Chapter 3
Nell
‘Help yourself to a drink from the machine,’ said the receptionist, after checking her in.
There were distinct advantages in seeing a private doctor, Nell thought, as she sat down in a squishy leather armchair with a fresh cup of decaf coffee in her hand. Not that she didn’t love the GP surgery in Wetherley where she’d been going for years, knew all the reception team and exactly which chair to avoid with its wobbly leg. They’d only gone private because she and Olek wouldn’t be entitled to fertility investigation on the NHS until they’d been unsuccessful in conceiving for two years and Nell hadn’t wanted to wait that long. Dr Bajek was Polish and Olek’s family had known hers for years, and there was something comforting about embarking on such a personal journey with someone they had implicit trust in.
If the issue was on her side, she’d do anything the doctor suggested, she vowed: give up alcohol forever, do yoga every morning, cut out caffeine. Anything. She crossed her legs and pressed them together to stop them jiggling with nerves. She wouldn’t get despondent, this was just the beginning. There’d probably be a magic fertility pill she could take to solve all the problems. Or IVF, if Olek agreed. She had money in the bank from the sale of her market stall last year; she’d gladly use all of it. She’d wanted to pay off a chunk of the mortgage with it at the time, but Olek had said she should keep it in case it didn’t work out at Merry and Bright and she decided to set up another business. She’d loved him for the suggestion, but, in truth, she had no interest in that. Her focus on becoming a mother was pin-sharp at the moment, eclipsing any career aspirations. She didn’t feel guilty about that; female empowerment should be about having the choice to do what felt right for you and not being obliged to fit a mould defined by someone else.
As she sipped her coffee, her phone pinged with a message. It would be Merry, she knew without even looking. There was a woman whose work/life balance needed a bit of tinkering with. What Merry could use was some rest, at least while she was in hospital. But, instead, her brain was working overtime. Nell read over her best friend’s latest thought.
I thought we could have a little January sale after Christmas, what do you think? We could clear all the stock with festive names and make room for all the new-year stuff. If we’ve got any gift wrap left, we can sell that off at bargain prices too.
Nell had to admit, that was a good idea and sent her a reply.
Good thinking! Tell you what, I’ll bring in a notebook and pen later and you can make a list of the things you think of, rather than text me with each idea.
Lol!! Am I getting on your nerves?
Nooooooo – only slightly;)
Sorry, I’m just itching to get out of here!
Merry was like a bottle of pop today. Nell understood; her friend was feeling like the birth of the baby was a ticking time bomb: one false move on her part and … boom, she’d go into labour. She sighed wistfully; if it was her, she’d want the baby to arrive as soon as possible so she could meet her child, hold her own baby in her arms and feel her heart melt with love. She was fairly sure that work would be the last thing on her mind.
It was hard not to feel envious of Merry, especially watching her stomach swell over the last few months, from the tiny bump you’d only notice if you were looking for it, to the almost comic spherical belly she had now. And it wasn’t just her shape that had changed. While Nell had become more anxious and had lost weight along with her sparkle, Merry had bloomed and looked ever more adorable. It didn’t seem fair. She flicked away her uncharitable thoughts; if anyone deserved a happy ending, it was Merry, and despite her own situation, Nell was thrilled that everything seemed to be finally falling into place for her best friend.
She finished her coffee and picked up her phone. Olek should be here by now. Their appointment was only ten minutes away, and they were always seen promptly.
She opened their WhatsApp chat and typed him a message.
Are you far away?
Sorry, darling. Still stuck at my last job. I was just about to message you. I don’t think I’m going to make it. I’m gutted.
She groaned inwardly: not today of all days.
Please, darling, this is important.
Olek ran a successful business as a locksmith. Sometimes, a little too successful. He was in demand and worked long hours, many of which were at inconvenient times.
I know it is. Hold on, I’ll go outside and call you.
She decided to do the same, and by the time she stepped out of the surgery, Olek had rung.
‘I’m sorry, Nell. It has been crazy here,’ he said. ‘The customer is a woman with two small children. The ex-boyfriend smashed the lock on the door with a hammer because she wouldn’t let him see the kids. By the time the police arrived, he’d put the hammer through all the downstairs windows.’
‘Oh my word. Poor woman.’
‘I know. I couldn’t leave her, not until she feels safe.’
‘Of course not, I understand, you did the right thing.’
He let out a breath of relief. ‘Thank you for understanding. What sort of man would put his own children through that sort of trauma? How can he ever hope to have any sort of relationship with them after behaving that way? It is very sad, Nell. I am doing my best to show that not all men are animals.’
Nell felt a wave of tenderness for her big-hearted man. ‘No one could ever mistake you for an animal, unless it was a big cuddly teddy bear.’
He laughed softly. ‘Only where you are concerned. I can be tough if I have to.’
‘I know.’ Olek had had to be tough over the years. At fifteen years old, when he and his family had moved to the UK from Poland, he was thrust into a secondary school with only the barest grasp of the language. And later, when Yvonna, his wife of two years, announced that she didn’t love him anymore and asked him to move out, Olek had behaved with dignity and done as his wife had asked. It had only been a matter of weeks before he’d discovered that his place in the marital bed had been taken over by his best friend, Viktor, with whom Yvonna had been conducting an affair for some time. Olek had been devastated by her betrayal but had made sure Max knew his father would always be there for him and that his parents’ love for him hadn’t changed even though their love for each other had.
Nell realised that Olek was still telling her about the job he was on and tuned in again.
‘Her sister is here looking after them all, but the customer asked me to put new security bolts on the back door too. So I did that and now she’s begging me not to leave until the glazers have been to mend the windows so that the house is secure again. I know it’s not ideal, but could we rearrange today’s appointment?’
‘I don’t want to rearrange.’ Nell felt a flutter of panic. This appointment had been indelibly engraved in her brain for weeks. ‘I didn’t sleep last night, mulling over it all, working through the possible permutations and trying to decide what Plan B should be if the investigations uncover a problem. I need to know, Olek, it’s eating me up.’
‘Darling, whatever the results are,’ he said gently, ‘we can get through this together, you know.’
‘I know, and I love you.’ She felt her throat tighten with emotion as she returned to the waiting room, still with Olek on the line. She knew he meant what he said, but if the issue was on her side, as she predicted, she was going to be crushed with guilt. She didn’t think she’d be able to get past that, however much he tried to support her.
‘Mrs Dowmunt? Would you like to go through to the consulting room, please.’
‘Too late to cancel now, I’m being called through,’ said Nell. ‘I’ll only be able to get my results, but it’s better than nothing.’
There were advantages of being alone, she reasoned. At least this way, he wouldn’t see her crumble when the doctor delivered the news; she wouldn’t have to put on a brave face and pretend that she was coping.
‘Just an idea, but how about if I’m on the phone to you during the appointment?’ Olek offered. ‘I’m sure Dr Bajek won’t mind; it’s not as if she doesn’t know us.’
Nell smiled. ‘Good thinking, Batman. I knew I loved you for a reason. I’ll suggest it and call you back.’
The doctor stood to shake Nell’s hand and gestured for her to take one of the two velvet chairs on the other side of her white glossy desk.
‘I’m afraid my husband has been held up,’ said Nell, aware of the quaver in her voice.
This was it, the moment she’d been both desperate for and dreading in equal measure.
But at least you’ll know for sure , said a little voice inside her head. And then you can take action.
‘So it’s just me today.’
‘Ah,’ said the doctor, looking down at the folder in front of her. ‘That is regrettable.’
‘I thought you could give me my results first,’ Nell began, before outlining Olek’s suggestion to get him on a call so he could listen in.
‘You don’t want him to hear your results?’ the doctor queried.
Nell felt her face heat. ‘No. I mean, not no, I will tell him, obviously, but … It might be easier if I hear that by myself.’
Dr Bajek frowned and Nell worried that she was going to object.
‘Please put me out of my misery, doctor. It’s me, isn’t it? I’m the one with the fertility problem.’
Dr Bajek picked up a sheet of paper, scanned it and put it down again. Nell was so on edge that she thought her heart might burst out of her chest.
‘Your results show nothing abnormal. In fact, quite the contrary, you are in excellent health and there is absolutely nothing to indicate any fertility issues at all.’
Nell stared at the doctor, processing the words. She had not expected that. ‘Wow.’ She sat back in the chair. Nothing abnormal, nothing to indicate any fertility issues … So it wasn’t her. She was fine. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. She let out a shuddering sigh and covered her mouth, feeling light-headed with relief. ‘Really? Are you sure?’
The doctor nodded.
‘But, in that case, why am I not already pregnant?’
Dr Bajek looked at the notes. ‘It says here that you’ve only been trying since Easter. That’s not long at all. Why did you think that any issue would lie with you?’
Nell squirmed in her chair. ‘Confidentially, I’ve been trying for a year, and I assumed the problem must be with me because, as you know, Olek already has a sixteen-year-old son, Max.’
The doctor’s expression grew earnest, she looked down at her notes. For a split second, a look of something akin to anguish crossed the doctor’s face before she regained her mask of professionalism. ‘Hmm.’
So if the problem wasn’t her, then it had to be Olek. Nell’s chest tightened. ‘Shall I call him?’
The doctor sucked in a breath. ‘It’s highly irregular, but if he consents to me delivering his results by telephone in front of you, I suppose I can make an exception.’
Nell called his number on speakerphone, and he answered immediately. There was a lot of shouting and crying in the background.
‘Nell, it’s chaos here, let me move away from the others.’
Once Olek had found a quieter spot and Dr Bajek was convinced he was content to continue, she picked up another sheet of paper.
‘OK, Olek, the tests show that there is an issue with your sperm count. Unfortunately, it appears very unlikely that you could impregnate your wife naturally. I wonder, is there some sort of injury or trauma in your medical history?’
Trauma? Nell leaned forward in her chair. What did the doctor mean by that? If there was, it must have been a long time ago, because he’d never mentioned anything to her.
The sound of glass shattering echoed through the neat office and Dr Bajek flinched. ‘This is not the right way to do things.’ She shook her head at Nell, clearly regretting consenting to Nell’s request.
‘Sorry, doctor, I missed that, can you repeat it please?’ said Olek.
Nell’s fingers acted almost without her thinking about it. She tapped the screen, taking it off speakerphone, and pressed it to her ear. ‘It’s OK, Olek, it sounds like it’s chaos where you are. We can do this another time. I’ll see you at home, darling.’ She ended the call, dropped the phone onto the desk and pressed her hands to her face. ‘He didn’t hear.’
‘And you did.’ The doctor regarded Nell so intensely that she felt heat rise to her face. ‘That was most unfortunate and a significant breach of confidentiality on my part.’
‘But the problem lies with him?’ she asked, skating quickly over the doctor’s point.
The doctor pressed her lips together; she looked like she’d rather be anywhere else in the world but here. Finally she spoke. ‘It’s certainly not you.’
‘I see.’ She’d assumed that she’d feel less badly about it if she wasn’t the one with fertility problems. How na?ve she’d been. This was as awful, if not worse. Her heart felt as heavy as a lead weight. ‘And you mentioned trauma, what do you mean?’
Dr Bajek shook her head. ‘I really can’t discuss my patient without him being present.’
‘I understand,’ said Nell. ‘I’ll go home and talk to Olek, and take it from there.’
‘Um. Right. Yes. Good idea, and there are always options. Sperm donors, et cetera. The important thing is that now we know what we’re dealing with.’
What they were dealing with was the fact that her much-desired child was a long way from being born.
Nell’s body was thrumming with sadness, a tidal wave of sorrow pushing her back out into reception. Somehow, she managed to pay the bill and find her way back to the car, her family plans in tatters.
Her dream to have a baby, to conceive naturally, to give birth to a child, their own biological child, had just turned into a nightmare. Nell prided herself on her positive outlook on life, but for once her inner sunshine had deserted her and her entire world had been eclipsed by this new information. Millions of other couples could have kids, so why couldn’t they? Because Olek was infertile, that was why. And depending on what Dr Bajek meant by previous trauma, he might possibly have been infertile for a long, long time. Which led Nell to another awful thought: if Olek couldn’t have ever had children, what did that mean for him and his son Max? Not only did today’s results have repercussions for their future children, but they could have inadvertently uncovered a terrible, secret about Olek’s relationship to his son. So what on earth was she going to tell Olek?