Chapter 2 Rosie #3
“Even if you don’t feel you’ve got to know them properly yet, whatever happened to supporting each other?
Isn’t that what married couples are supposed to do?
Maybe you didn’t want to be there, but you could have done it for me.
Because I wanted you there. Just as the reason I’m sitting in this car now is because you want us to spend Christmas with your family. ”
His words knocked the air from her lungs.
“Are you saying you don’t want to spend Christmas with my family? You’re making it sound like some sort of chore or obligation.”
He hesitated just a moment too long and she felt as if the bottom had dropped out of her world.
“Fine then, don’t come.” The words rushed out of her.
Had they really reached this point just because she’d decided not to go to his work Christmas party?
No. There was more to it than that, there had to be.
“If spending Christmas with my family sounds so terrible to you, then don’t come.
I would hate to inflict a big family Christmas on you if you’re going to hate it. ”
“Rosie—”
“I’ll say you’re sick. That’s the excuse you gave to your friends, wasn’t it?”
She couldn’t believe that happiness could turn to misery so quickly. Emotions boiled inside her. She wished she could turn the clock back. From now on she was making lists for every decision she made. And she was going to take more time over it. No more impulsive moments.
There was a tense, swollen silence and then he looked at her and something in his eyes made her heart turn over. “I don’t understand what’s going on here. I can’t talk to you when you’re this upset.”
The more upset she became, the more he withdrew from it, but how was she supposed to not be upset?
Tears stung her eyes. “Do you wish you’d never married me?”
He frowned. “Rosie—”
“Do you?”
He sighed. “I think we should have this conversation when we’re calmer.”
So he did regret it.
Her heart ached and she turned her head and looked out of the window so that he wouldn’t see her tears fall.
She was so cold. Absolutely freezing. She would have done anything for a hug, but something about this new tension between them had impacted on their usual chemistry.
Normally she couldn’t stop touching him, and he couldn’t stop touching her, but the emotional distance had become a physical distance.
Was that her fault? She’d never been good at separating her emotions from her actions.
If she didn’t feel warm and loved on the inside, she couldn’t be warm and loving on the outside.
“I didn’t know you didn’t want to spend Christmas with me. I don’t want you to force yourself so just unload your one single bag and I’ll drive myself up north.”
“Rosie—”
“I don’t want to spend Christmas with someone who doesn’t want to be there. It will be miserable for both of us.”
He sighed. “Rosie—”
“You think I’m being over emotional, but maybe you should try being a little more emotional and then you might have some insight into my feelings! But you’re such a level, calm kind of guy.”
“Yes. And in the beginning, you said you liked that about me. You said I calmed you down. Made you feel safe. You couldn’t wait to get married. You were excited. You were the one who picked February.”
It was all true. Her stupid impulsive emotional nature had been in full flow.
Would he have taken more time? Had she somehow swept him along?
Her fingers were freezing and she tugged on her gloves. “Maybe I should go on a computer programming course or something.”
He looked bemused. “Why would you want to do that?”
“So I can hold a conversation with your colleagues. So that when you talk about time series regression or something, I know what you’re talking about. Do they do a course called Coding for Clueless Creatives? I’ll ask Becky.”
“You’ve talked to Becky about this? About us?”
“No, I haven’t talked to Becky about us.” She’d barely talked to Becky at all lately, unfortunately. And that was another problem. “This is our marriage. I’m not going to talk to my sister about us. And anyway I hardly see her these days. She doesn’t want to burst our happy little romantic bubble.”
If only.
“Is that why you’re so upset with me? Because you’re missing your sister?”
“You’re the one who is upset with me. But it’s true it does feel weird without Becky around all the time. She has been the main person in my life for—well—my whole life.”
She didn’t expect Declan to understand. An only child, he had no idea what it was like to be close to a sibling, let alone have a twin.
And some twins probably couldn’t stand the sight of each other, but that wasn’t the case for her and Becky.
From the moment they were born—twelve minutes apart—their lives had been intertwined.
They’d shared a cot for the first few months of their lives and then a bedroom.
They were identical on the outside but inside they couldn’t have been more different.
Rosie loved ballet and dresses. Becky refused to ever wear a dress and at eight years old her idea of fun was jumping into muddy puddles and creating the biggest mess possible.
Rosie made clothes for her dolls—elaborate ballgowns and tutus covered in glittery sequins.
Becky was addicted to puzzles and was moved up two classes in maths.
Rosie had to have extra help. Despite these differences (or perhaps because of them because they were never in competition), they were best friends.
They’d both gone to college in London—Becky to study computer engineering, and Rosie to study costume production.
They’d shared a small apartment and laughed over each other’s dating exploits (mostly Rosie’s).
When they graduated, Becky had landed a job in a large tech company and Rosie had been offered her dream role working for a ballet company.
Neither of them had expected to stay in the same place for long, but that was what had happened and for almost five years they’d shared almost every aspect of their lives.
They’d joked that they’d still be living together in their nineties, and then Becky had introduced Rosie to her longtime work colleague Declan.
Rosie hadn’t believed in love at first sight until Declan, and maybe that first evening hadn’t been love exactly, but it had been a strong connection.
A connection powerful enough to propel them towards a date, and then another date.
Within weeks they were saying I love you and a few weeks after that she’d packed up her things and moved out of the apartment she’d shared with her sister since college and moved in with Declan.
He lived in a small apartment north of the river in London that had views of rooftops.
If you stood on tiptoe you could see the local park.
It was sparsely decorated when she arrived but she’d added bookshelves, upgraded his ancient frayed sofa by covering it in ruby velvet and added piles of bright cushions.
She’d hidden his scratched wooden floor under a large rug and filled the place with plants.
They’d offered the spare room to Becky, and Rosie had been disappointed when she’d refused. Instead Becky had rented out Rosie’s old room in the flat they’d shared.
You have Declan now , Becky had said.
Rosie had told herself it was fine because it meant she could use the spare room for all her creative projects, but deep down she’d been hurt and more than a little confused.
She hadn’t understood it. It wasn’t as if Becky didn’t like Declan. They’d worked together for years and were good friends. As far as Rosie was concerned nothing needed to change, but Becky seemed to want to give them space.
Rosie hadn’t anticipated that being with Declan would change her relationship with her sister.
You two need to build a life together , Becky had said when Rosie had pointed out that they rarely saw each other. You don’t need me hanging around.
Rosie would have been more than happy to have her twin hanging around, but had decided maybe Becky was right, so she’d put her mind to building a life where, for the first time, she was closer to someone than she was to her sister.
But so far it wasn’t working out that way. For the first time in her life she felt lonely.
How could you feel lonely when you were married?
She wanted to tell Declan how she was feeling, but she sensed that every emotional sentence she uttered was driving him deeper into his shell so she said nothing, her stress levels soaring in the tense silence.
She wasn’t good with atmospheres. They disturbed her equilibrium.
She preferred to solve any problems instantly rather than let them simmer.
The family who lived in the apartment below theirs appeared on the street ahead, dragging a Christmas tree, the youngest child holding out her hands to catch the snowflakes that swirled in front of her.
Spotting Rosie and Declan in the car, the parents waved and mouthed Merry Christmas, and Rosie waved back, her smile an automatic response to their friendly greeting.
She watched them maneuver the tree through the front door, laughing together as the branches got stuck on the frame. They were probably going to make hot chocolate and sing Christmas songs. It was all so enviably cheery. It was how a family Christmas was supposed to be.
And then the front door closed behind them, cocooning them in their own private world of fairy lights and fantasy.
In the meantime, Rose was in her own private world, which was a lot chillier and nothing like Christmas was supposed to be.
Declan was her family now, and it didn’t feel the way she’d imagined it would.
He peered through the swirling snow. “We should leave. It’s going to take us forever to get up north in this weather. Have you set the SatNav?”
She felt a rush of relief. She’d been terrified he might actually say he didn’t want to spend Christmas with her family.