Chapter 13 Becky
Becky
I can’t believe they’re already married.
” Becky stared at her phone, reading the message for the hundredth time.
“What is wrong with my family? They meet someone and wham, suddenly they’re in love.
There must be something faulty in our DNA.
Does it really happen that way? Has that ever happened to you? ”
“No.” Will’s attention was focused on the road. “It hasn’t.”
“So generally speaking, you find you need to know someone before you fall in love.”
There was a pause. “Generally speaking, I do find that, yes.”
“Good to know. I’m glad I know at least one normal person.”
They’d been driving for a few hours and hadn’t said much to each other until the message had come in from Rosie.
She sneaked a glance at him, aware that something had changed.
Yesterday it had been relaxed and—well—normal.
Today everything felt tense. He seemed tense.
She was pretty tense herself, but that was mostly because she kept reliving the moment when he’d walked out of the shower with only a towel around his hips (she’d known him for her whole life and suddenly she couldn’t stop thinking about his shoulders).
But he couldn’t possibly know that. He couldn’t possibly know what was going on in her head so he must have his own reasons for behaving strangely.
Maybe he was bored with her family drama. Or maybe he was just tired.
She wanted to ask if he was okay, which was definitely something Rosie would have done, but she hated being asked that question herself so she kept it to herself and focused on the latest drama emanating from her family.
“I’m glad Rosie warned me. At least now I can practice rearranging my features into a delighted expression.”
“You’re not delighted?”
“I don’t know. My emotions about things tend to be more neutral, you know that. I’m not like Rosie. Roller Coaster Rosie. Up one minute and down the next.”
He smiled. “I remember you calling her that. It was an apt name.”
“You’ve known Jamie forever. Does this seem weird to you? Suddenly getting married? I’m sure Granny will immediately assume she’s pregnant. I hope she doesn’t say it out loud. But I doubt it’s that. What do you think?”
He didn’t answer immediately. “I suppose if you know you’ve met the right person, then it’s not weird.”
“But people don’t know, do they? Not really. It’s not an exact science. If it was, no one would ever get it wrong. People think they’re in love and then suddenly they’re not. Or they think they’re not in love, and suddenly discover they are.”
Like her, for example. She’d had no clue she was in love with Declan until Rosie’s wedding.
She’d seen him almost every day for the five years they’d worked together.
They’d sat side by side. Worked on projects together.
Brought each other coffee and chocolate from the snack bar that the company made available to employees.
Ranted to each other in the corridor when no one was listening.
Gone for the occasional drink and pizza after work.
They were friends. And she hadn’t known she’d wanted anything more than that until the day he’d married her sister.
Her feelings had crept up on her and she hadn’t even noticed.
How did that happen? Why did that happen?
She stared at the road, pondering.
The snow had been cleared and lay in soft piles along the side of the road, the surface glinting in the sunlight.
Will slowed down as they approached a sharp bend. “That’s a very Becky thing to say.”
She turned to look at him. “What? What do you mean?”
“You want a logical explanation for everything. Evidence. You always have. You don’t let feelings influence your decisions.”
“Because feelings are weird, unpredictable things that come and go, and change, which is why I try not to pay attention to them.”
“So if you feel something strongly—”
“I wait until the feeling passes. I certainly don’t use it as a basis for decision making. And what’s wrong with that? If you’re doing a trial into a new treatment for some medical condition you look for evidence that it works, don’t you? You don’t rely on gut instinct.”
“No. As you say, evidence. Lots of evidence, from different sources.”
“Exactly. Because you don’t want to get it wrong and risk damaging the patient. And yet time and time again people rely on gut instinct to make the biggest decision of their lives and yes, when it goes wrong, they’re damaged. There has to be a better way.”
“You’ve never made a decision based on feelings?”
She shrugged. “I suppose choosing what to eat is driven by my feelings. Burger or pizza. Which am I in the mood for. Does that count?”
“Yes. And chocolate. Eating chocolate is always an emotional decision.”
“True. But that’s the limit to which I let feelings dictate my actions.
Feelings are unregulated and unreliable.
And that’s probably why I’m dreading Christmas.
I’m going to be drowning in everyone’s feelings.
Jamie’s, Rosie’s, definitely my mother’s because I can’t imagine she isn’t hurt that she didn’t get invited to the wedding—” And her own.
She’d be drowning in her own feelings too.
This was going to be the first time she’d seen Declan in months and she was dreading it. She’d made it easier for herself by never being in the same room as him, but that was about to change.
However she felt about seeing Declan and Rosie together, she had to hide it.
She adored her sister and she would never do anything to hurt her.
But Rosie was intuitive, and that was one of the other reasons Becky had been avoiding her.
She was terrified she might not be able to hide the way she felt.
She’d tried to push it out of her mind, but they were going to be home in an hour and there would be no more avoiding it.
She groaned. “My Christmas is going to be full of other people’s romances.
Lots of kissing and cuddling. Kill me now.
” She should have made an excuse. It would have been awful, but better than this alternative.
“I can’t do this. Can we just drive straight to Scotland and find a cute bothy in the middle of nowhere to hide out?
Tell everything we were snowed in on the journey? ”
“Sure.” His tone was light. “If that’s what you’d like.”
She slid lower in her seat, imagining it. “Right now, it’s exactly what I’d like.”
“You’re just tired, Becks. You’re always cranky when you’re tired.”
“I’m not cranky.” She stared ahead and then looked at him. He knew her too well, that was the problem. “Okay, maybe I’m a little cranky. But I’m not tired. That bed was comfortable. Like sleeping on a cloud. I slept brilliantly.”
There was a pause. “Really?”
“Ten hours straight. Which is so unusual for me. Normally I’m like a meercat, on full alert for most of the night. You?”
“I didn’t sleep that well.” He adjusted his grip on the wheel. “I had things on my mind.”
Things? What things? Was she supposed to ask?
“You probably slept more than you think.”
She knew for a fact she’d woken up before him.
In the end they’d agreed that Will sleeping in the chair was just too stupid for words.
The bed was big enough for both of them and they’d known each other forever, so it made perfect sense for him to lie down on one half of the bed and get a proper night’s sleep so that they would both be fresh for the journey.
To begin with it had felt strange and she’d lain there rigid, afraid to move in case she accidently touched him, but then finally she’d drifted off and had the best night’s sleep she could remember having in years.
She’d woken feeling warm and comfortable and it had taken a moment for her to realise she was snuggled against him with her head on his chest. Turned out those shoulders of his made a very satisfactory pillow.
She’d unpeeled herself carefully, trying not to wake him because she didn’t want to risk an awkward moment, but luckily for her he hadn’t stirred. Which was how she knew he’d slept for at least part of the night.
But his sleep pattern wasn’t her main problem right now.
“So how am I supposed to handle this?”
“Handle what?” He slowed down as a car pulled out in front of them. “You need to be specific. Is it Declan? Seeing your family? Their feelings? Your feelings?”
“All of the above.”
“I’m sure it will be easier than you think.”
“Maybe, but what if it isn’t. We’re friends, right?”
“Yes. We’re friends.”
She frowned. “You hesitated.”
“I did not hesitate.”
“You definitely hesitated.”
“What is it you want from me, Becky?”
He sounded tired. Maybe he really hadn’t slept the night before. After all she wouldn’t have known, would she? She’d been asleep.
“Friends help each other out. Isn’t that what you said?”
He paused. “Yes. That’s the general idea. What help do you need?”
“I need help working out how I handle the meeting. Those first few moments. I walk into the room and—” She glanced at him. “And what? What do I do?”
“What would you normally do?”
“I’d hug everyone. Generally I’m not much of a hugger, but if you don’t hug family they just hug you anyway so you might as well go along with it and get it done.” She narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. “Are you laughing?”
“No. Definitely not laughing.”
“Are you sure? Because your eyes have gone crinkly at the corners.”
“It’s the sun.”
“Oh.”
“So what exactly are you asking me?”
“Do I hug Hayley? I’ve never met her before. Seems a bit much. Will she think it’s a bit much or will she expect it?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you take the lead from her.”
“Wait to see if she grabs me, you mean? Good plan. Okay, so that’s Hayley sorted out. The others are obvious, so that just leaves Declan. Am I supposed to hug Declan? I’ve been avoiding him for so long I have no idea what a normal greeting would be.”
He kept his eyes on the road. “Did you used to hug him?”
“Never. He was a colleague. If I’d hugged him we both would have been hauled up in front of management. And when we were outside work he was just a friend so hugging would have been weird. Trust me, he would have found it weird too. But now? We’re related. It’s different. It’s going to be awkward.”
“Does it have to be awkward? It’s not as if anyone knows you have feelings for him.” He took the road that ran adjacent to the coast.
“ You know.”
“I don’t count. There are plenty of things I know about you that other people don’t.”
“That’s true.”
In the distance she could see the jagged outline of a castle.
They were almost home. She felt slightly sick.
“Will you come in with me?” She blurted the words out. “I mean, you’re Jamie’s closest friend. It would be entirely normal for you to want to say hi right away and roast him about the fact he didn’t ask you to be best man and all those male bonding type of insults.”
He glanced at her briefly. “You want me to come in with you?”
“Yes. That’s pathetic, isn’t it?” She slumped slightly in her seat. “I’m pathetic. Since when have I needed to ask a man to hold my hand through something difficult? I hate myself.”
“But you’re not asking me because I’m a man, are you? You’re asking me because I’m a friend.” His attention was back on the road, so she could no longer see his expression.
“Yeah, you’re right. A friend.” And when you thought of it like that it sounded different. Better. “And it would mean I’d owe you. So you can call in the favour any time. If your printer breaks, or you click on a link you shouldn’t have clicked on and download a virus—whatever. I’m your woman.”
A faint smile touched his mouth. “You don’t owe me, Becks. A friendship isn’t transactional.”
“Maybe not, but I won’t forget.” She studied him, wondering if she was asking too much. “So will you do it?”
He turned into the lane that led to the house.
“Will I come in with you and hold your hand?”
“Yes. Well, not literally. Metaphorically. Obviously I don’t expect us to walk in there clinging to each other. I just—it would be nice if you were by my side, that’s all. It would take some of the heat off me.”
Becky held her breath as she waited for his answer.
He followed the curve of the driveaway and parked alongside Jamie’s car.
He sat for a moment and turned off the engine. “You want me by your side. As a friend.”
“Yes, of course as a friend.”
But now she was thinking of the way he’d looked when he’d walked out of the shower. The width of his shoulders. The swell of hard muscle. The intense blue of his eyes.
Her mouth went dry.
She sneaked a look at him and saw him nod.
“Of course I’ll come in with you. No problem.”
She should have felt instant relief and she did, but that relief was threaded with something else. Something she didn’t recognize or understand.
Something that made her wonder if, maybe, his presence wasn’t going to make things easier after all.