Chapter 47
47
C aught in a shaft of sunlight, the embroidered pearl on Caro’s dress shimmied like a mirage. Deep in thought, she sat towards the back of the room, because who would want a jilted bride in the front row?
Lizzie, that’s who.
It had been Lizzie who had asked if she wanted to stay. Lizzie who had pressed Caro’s hand between her own and whispered the story of a wedding bouquet she had once ordered. And, as Caro sat gazing up at the dripping tiers of the chandelier, she was trying to understand why she had agreed. Why, instead of escaping to the solitude of her flat, she was still in a designer wedding dress, about to watch another bride take their vows. Maybe it was Lizzie herself? A woman who had taken the word the world had forced upon her – spinster - and re-spun it, threading it through with seams of achievement and adventure. A woman, who as Kay had explained, had lived life on her own terms, in a time when women didn’t do that. Who had taught thousands of children, travelled extensively. A woman who was an example and a reassurance, reminding Caro as she did, of herself. Who wouldn’t want to stay and witness this? Who wouldn’t want to enjoy such a last-minute bloom?
Behind her, the creak of a hinge pulled her out of her daydream. She turned just in time to see Lizzie wheeled in, the bouquet in her hands almost taller than her. Caro smiled. How perfect. Lizzie would not have suited the blousy heads of a hydrangea, either.
‘You, OK?’ The whisper came from Kay.
‘Fine.’
‘Sure?’ This time it came from the other side. Helen.
‘I’m sure.’
And as everyone settled back in their seats and waited for the service to begin, Caro put a hand to her chair to steady herself. Across London, when it was all over, the silence of empty rooms beckoned. She could see it clearly, her sofa with its plumped-up cushions, that only she would sit on, the empty space in the toothbrush holder. This was where she would land, right back where she had started. The thought wasn’t anything more frightening than a wide-open door she wasn’t quite ready to walk through. Not right now. Not just yet. Still gripping the seat, she glanced first to Kay, then back at Helen, and then she knew. Nestled between them like this soothed like a rocking chair, held her like a safety net that soon enough she knew she would be able to get up and walk away from, but right now she really needed. And that was why she had stayed. To be with her friends.