Chapter 19 #3
I might tell them that I was accustomed to rambling in the woods alone, as I was a country girl with a love of nature, as well as the independence that came with being the eldest girl of twelve children. Instead, I said, “If we hurry, they may never hear of it.”
“Let us be off, then.” He offered his arm, and I laid my hand upon it as we started toward the house.
A wave of confusion washed over me along with a sinking disappointment. Was I sad that Jeremy wasn’t trying to kiss me?
I never knew myself, apparently, for I never would have imagined how much I would want to kiss Jeremy Beaumont. Truly, I was weak, so attracted to a man I wasn’t even sure I wanted to marry. And his vulnerability. . . He was so appealing when he was like this.
But most of my confusion was from the thought of how embarrassed I’d be if he knew how much I wanted him to kiss me—or at least wanted him to hold my hand again.
It was all so absurd, since I disliked him.
Something stirred inside me, reminding me that he had apologized, that he admitted he’d been conceited in his accusations against me. And he’d been so humble about his sketches.
He also said he enjoyed my singing. My cheeks grew warm just thinking about him hearing me sing.
I’d only sung with Juliet because she asked me to, and only when I thought Jeremy wouldn’t hear.
He hadn’t ridiculed me the way my brothers always did when I sang.
He’d complimented me, and without a hint of sarcasm or facetiousness.
Was this the same Jeremy Beaumont I’d known for the past two and a half months? The one who was always tense and rarely smiled?
Perhaps I didn’t dislike him anymore, but that didn’t mean I should marry him. I must be careful to guard my heart until I was sure.
“You truly do like the Lake District,” I said, as he helped me step over a fallen tree trunk.
“Why do you say that?”
“You just seem less angry.”
He paused a moment to look at me. “Is that how I seem? Angry?”
“Sometimes.” I thought about it. “Or not so much angry as weighed down with responsibility.”
He was quiet for several moments, then said, “It is true, I suppose. My father always handled most family business, and our mother was always the one who made sure Juliet stayed within the bounds of propriety.” He sighed.
“She has a lot of spirit, but sometimes I think she is deliberately rebelling against what society says is proper.”
“I can see why that would be frustrating for an older brother. You obviously care a great deal for your sister, which is commendable.”
“It should help that I have hired Mrs. Wilson. She seems very capable of keeping an eye on Juliet—at least when she’s not ill.
” He let out a long sigh. “I want to protect her. She took it hard when our parents died, and I couldn’t bear something terrible happening to her because I wasn’t attentive enough. ”
And he was right to worry about her, given what had happened with Mr. Fairweather.
“But you, Amelia, are good for her. You are a calming influence, and I’m very glad she has a friend like you.”
“Thank you. She is a good friend to me as well.” I couldn’t help glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.
“She was very close to our mother and was quite devastated when her prayers for her healing . . . Our father died suddenly—his heart—but our mother was ill for a month. Juliet truly believed she would be healed.”
“I am sure that was very painful. I can imagine how I will feel when my parents pass away. It must be very difficult.” I wanted to ask him if he had been devastated when his mother wasn’t healed, but I could see from the look in his eyes that he had.
It was probably easier to talk about his sister’s feelings than his own.
And come to think of it, his sister had talked of her brother’s feelings, his feelings of burden and responsibility, rather than telling me how she had felt about her mother’s passing. We were so guarded with our feelings.
He said, “Losing one’s parents, eventually, is a fact of life for everyone, but we should not talk of gloomy things here. The Lake District is for beauty and relaxation. I hope you are enjoying it.”
“Oh yes, very much. It is easing my homesickness a bit to be out in the country, to walk through woods and be among the fields and birds and waterfalls.”
“I am enjoying your enthusiasm.”
I did sound enthusiastic. Juliet was usually so enthusiastic, I often ended up just listening to her instead of expressing myself.
He took hold of a branch, holding it carefully until I was able to pass. Then he paused at a fallen tree and held my hand until I stepped over it. He was so attentive. At this moment, he seemed the epitome of patience and thoughtfulness. But how could I forget all the unkind things he’d said to me?
I knew I had to forgive him. After all, the Lord Jesus himself had said that if we did not forgive our enemies, God would not forgive us. And I knew I was not perfect; I needed God’s forgiveness just as everyone else did. But forgiving Jeremy Beaumont did not mean I should marry him.
He had misjudged me. Perhaps I had misjudged him as well.