Chapter 22
Mr. and Mrs. Kendall generously loaned me their carriage to take me halfway home, sending a servant to accompany me, and we traveled the rest of the way by hired coach.
“I do not mind lending you the carriage, but I must confess, I don’t understand why you don’t simply wait for Mr. Beaumont to take you home,” Mrs. Kendall said.
I had a lot of time to think about her words, as well as Jeremy’s, on the long carriage ride.
Should I believe what he said about loving me?
How could I know he was telling the truth?
Men said a lot of things they didn’t mean.
My experiences in London this Season had taught me that, if nothing else.
I tried to display in my mind all the things I knew about him.
Actions spoke louder than words, after all.
I tried to think of things he had done and said.
Had I ever caught him in a lie? Had he ever been deliberately cruel to anyone?
How did he treat the servants? These were the kinds of things that would reveal his character.
The more I thought about him, the more I couldn’t think of anything to accuse him of, besides how he had jumped to a wrong conclusion about me as soon as he made my acquaintance.
And that was just his overzealous desire to keep his sister safe from people who would use her.
There were certainly enough people in the world with selfish, even evil motives, who would use Juliet for their own gain, and so I probably could have easily forgiven him—had it not been for the fact that it was me he was trying to protect Juliet from.
But why the sudden change in his feelings toward me?
Looking back on the past several weeks, I realized he’d shown more attention toward me before he kissed me and even before we went to Mr. Shelley’s estate in the Lake District.
We’d had many conversations, just the two of us.
He’d smiled and even laughed. I’d just assumed it was because Juliet and Mr. Shelley were always talking with each other and didn’t require anyone else, that Jeremy had talked with me because there was no one else to talk to.
And it was true that he had danced with me, at least once, at every ball we attended together. Perhaps he had shown more of a preference for me than I’d realized.
Perhaps I’d been blinded by my prejudice against him, the grudge I’d held for the way he’d judged me.
I whispered, “I forgive him, God. Help me forgive and forget.”
Perhaps it was my imagination, but I instantly felt better, my shoulders lighter.
By the time I arrived at my home in Buckinghamshire, it was nearly dark. My brothers ran out of the house as the hired coach came to a stop. Matthew and Nathaniel bombarded me with complaints about each other and began telling tales of the adventures they’d had while I was away.
“I cannot listen to you both at once,” I said. “You can tell me in a few moments. Will you get my bags, please?” I asked the older two, Adam and Jonathan, who were home.
My mother met me at the door. “Darling Amelia! This is a surprise. Are you well?”
“Yes, Mama, I am well. All is well.”
She was holding my baby brother in her arms. “Come in. Tell me about your aunt and uncle. Are they well? And Algernon?”
“Yes, they are all well.”
Before I could finish speaking, she was calling for Lavinia.
“Yes, Mama?”
“Your sister is home. Talk to her while I speak to Cook. The rector is coming for dinner tonight,” Mama said, the latter directed toward me.
“Shall I hold the baby?” I asked.
“No, he will just get fussy. He will need to eat in a few minutes.”
“Why are you home early?” Lavinia asked, as she crossed her arms and stared at me.
“I wanted to see my family,” I said. “Are you not glad to see me?” I gave her a challenging look, trying to appear lighthearted.
I’d pictured the reunion with my family so differently.
I thought they would embrace me, all smiles, and tell me how happy they were that I was home.
They’d ask me if I’d caught myself a rich husband, and I would tell them very demurely, “I am engaged.” Then they’d shout excitedly and ask for details about this man who dared to ask for the hand of their sister or daughter.
The rest was hazy, since I wasn’t sure how I’d answer them.
Would I tell them I wasn’t certain if I would marry him or not?
Now I wasn’t sure if anyone would even ask me.
Then I saw little Diana toddle up beside Lavinia.
“There’s my little darling,” I cried, and held my arms out to her. I could hardly wait to hold her.
Diana grabbed Lavinia’s leg through her skirt and held on, looking at me as if I were a stranger.
“It’s Amelia,” I said. “You cannot have forgotten me.” I tried to talk in a soothing tone. “Come, Diana. Come and let me see you.”
She hid her face in Lavinia’s skirt.
“Do you want to go outside? We can go sit in the hammock.”
“No. Want Lavie.” She raised her hands up to Lavinia, who picked her up.
“She’s probably hungry,” Lavinia said. “I’ll feed her and give her a bath. You can see her tomorrow.” And she carried Diana back toward the kitchen as my heart sank into my stomach.
My brothers had dropped my bags and my trunk just inside the door and were nowhere in sight. I picked up my bags and went to the room I shared with Diana and Lavinia. I lay across my bed and turned toward the wall.
It was as I’d feared. Diana must have thought I’d abandoned her and now wanted nothing to do with me. My mother didn’t need me, and my brothers hadn’t missed me.
I’d come home knowing Juliet didn’t need me anymore, but my family obviously didn’t need me either.
And I was engaged to marry Jeremy Beaumont, but I wondered if he loved me.
And if he didn’t love me, and if I decided not to marry him, my reputation would be ruined, and everyone I loved would be affected.
My tears soaked my pillow as I tried to ease the unbearable weight in my chest.
The next morning, Diana still wouldn’t let me hold her. When I tried to help her get dressed, she said, “No,” and carried her dress in her little fist to Lavinia, who helped her pull it over her head.
My brothers had already had their breakfast and were playing behind the house, so I ate alone, with my mother passing through to say she hoped she would have time to sit down with me later and hear all about the parties and balls I’d attended in London.
My father came in just as I was getting up to go for a walk.
“There’s my girl,” he said, patting me on the head. “Break any hearts in London?”
“A few.” I smirked, but then regretted it, remembering Mr. Harper’s face when I said no to his marriage proposal. Which led to remembering what he had done, then to Fairweather and Juliet, and—
“Will you need the carriage to return to London?” he asked me. “I ask because my man says the rear axle will need to be replaced before it can be taken on any long trips.”
“I don’t think so.” I sighed. “I’m not sure I’m cut out for London.” But I also couldn’t say I was happy to be home, either.
“High society is not for everyone.” He looked me in the eye. “You’re a good girl, too good for those fancy folk. But don’t you worry. We’ll find you a husband yet. The rector’s wife died last winter, and I noticed he was looking at you a great deal at dinner.”
“I’m not interested in marrying the rector.
” His sermons were much too tepid and boring, and he rarely even mentioned God or any Bible verses, preferring to talk about philosophy.
I didn’t think I could marry someone who was a rector but seemed to have very little faith.
Besides, he was shorter than I was and was not handsome.
I started to tell Father that I was engaged to be married, but I stopped myself. I hadn’t told anyone yet, and the longer I waited the more awkward it seemed to broach the subject.
Just then, a courier rode up to the door. His sudden appearance caused the dogs to start barking, the servant yelled at the dogs, and finally, Father got up and went to the door.
He came back a few moments later holding up two letters.
“One for me and one for you. The return address says ‘Beaumont.’ Wasn’t that the friend you were staying with in London?”
“Yes.” I opened my letter right away, but my heart was in my throat as I wondered what Father’s letter would say.
“They must be very wealthy to send letters by special courier instead of through the post,” Father said, who hadn’t even opened his letter yet. He sometimes annoyed me with how little curiosity he showed.
I checked the signature. It was from Jeremy, not Juliet. I started from the beginning and read silently.
Dear Amelia,
I did not want more than a day to go by without you hearing from me. I think of you often. So often, in fact, that I dare not tell you how often.
I have written to your father to ask if I might come for a visit in three days, after Juliet’s wedding.
You may tell him if this is agreeable to you, as I do not wish to foist myself upon you if my presence is not wanted.
I do want to see you and to try and convince you of my sincere affection and love for you.
I will stay as long as you wish me to stay.
I hope you are enjoying your reunion with your family, as I know you have missed them while you were in London. I am eager to know them, but most of all, I am eager to see you again. I miss talking to you. Until then, I am
Your loving and faithful servant,
Jeremy Beaumont
I read the letter twice before I looked up to see my father staring at me with an amused smile.
“So, you have an admirer?” He was still holding his letter, but at least it looked as if he’d read it.
“He has asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”
“But you are unsure?”
“It was very sudden, and I am trying to understand if I love him or not.”
“Is he a good man? Or is he given to fits of anger? For I will not allow my daughter to live with a man who is violent.”
“He is not given to violence or fits of anger.” I would not tell him that he had challenged a man to a duel.
“And he is able to support you, to give you the kind of life you wish for?”
“Yes.”
“Well, then, it is up to you to make up your own mind.”
“Yes, Father.”
“Shall I give him permission to visit us?”
“Yes, Father.”
He went to write a brief note to give to the courier, who was waiting for our reply. I also wrote a short note: I shall enjoy seeing you in three days, and I pray you have a safe journey.
Unsure how to sign it, and as Father had already finished his note and he and the courier were waiting for mine, I quickly signed it, Yours affectionately, A. M.
As the day went by, Diana did begin to warm to me again, letting me pick her up, but she still seemed to prefer to have Lavinia take care of her. And on the third day of my homecoming, Mother sat down with me in the sitting room while the baby was taking a nap.
“Your father has told me that there is a gentleman coming tomorrow for a visit.”
“Yes, Mr. Jeremy Beaumont.”
“And do you like him?”
I only had to think about it a moment. “Yes, I do.”
“And your aunt, Mrs. Kendall, approves of him?”
“Yes, she does.” That was an understatement.
“And you spoke to him often when you were in London?”
“Yes, very often.”
“But your father says you have not decided whether or not you wish to marry him.”
How could I tell her that I didn’t trust my own judgment, especially after I’d disliked him for so long, after he had falsely accused me and wounded my pride?
“I believe I am close to making a decision.”
We talked some more about the balls and assemblies I’d attended in London, and she asked other questions about Jeremy.
“Is he a good brother to your friend Juliet?”
“Yes, a very good brother.”
“And he attends church as he should?”
“Yes.”
“And he says he loves you?”
“Yes.”
“And he is very rich?”
“Yes.”
“There must be something wrong with him, since you are not sure.”
What could I say? Truly, I couldn’t think of anything. Even his arrogance and conceit had seemed to vanish. And I had let him kiss me, twice! Perhaps I was in love with him without realizing it. Perhaps he was worthy of my love—if indeed he did love me.
“Well,” Mother went on, “we shall see him tomorrow.”
“Yes.” So it would seem.