Chapter Fourteen
Biddleton House
St. James Place
Mayfair, London
It had been one month since that last volatile coupling with Gregory. She hadn’t seen him in the intervening weeks, and though her heart was still shattered, at least she didn’t end each day in tears as had been her wont since their parting.
Of course, having outings and events to look forward to on her schedule helped, and when she hid herself in her house for days, Lydia always swept in to drag her out or spend time with her.
Adding to the emotional quagmire she battled through was the fact her menses had come.
In the grand scheme, it was a good thing, for a baby would further complicate her life, especially since she was being courted by the viscount she’d mentioned to Gregory when they’d last spoken.
However, knowing she wouldn’t have a living memory of him from the one time he hadn’t taken measures to prevent a pregnancy had left her at the lowest point she’d ever been.
Then she shoved the thoughts away. If that was the type of man he wished to portray himself as, so be it. She was making inroads into creating a future she would be satisfied with, perhaps content, but would happiness also follow? There was no way to know that.
When a footman brought in a tea service on a silver tray, Constance gave him a small smile of gratitude, for she was a bit peckish. Being battered by emotions made her both lacking an appetite and ravenous by turns.
By the time she was midway through sipping her first cup of tea, the Countess of Biddleton came into the room amidst a rustle of light blue taffeta.
“Thank you for joining me today.”
“Thank you for inviting me.” It was the second time she’d come to tea with the other woman. She gave the countess an easy smile even as knots of anxiety pulled in her belly. “I must confess, I was surprised to receive it.”
Her expression was enigmatic. After pouring out a cup of tea for herself, the countess asked, “Did you truly believe that I wouldn’t wish to further our friendship even though you are no longer under Mr. Hamilton’s protection?”
“Truthfully? That is exactly what I thought. The position of mistress isn’t one that cultivates friends in high powered places, and without being that, I have returned to being a nobody in society.”
“Don’t disparage yourself in such a way, Mrs. Knight.”
“Please call me Constance. We are friends.” And she appreciated that so much.
“Of course. I am Clarissa.”
For the next several minutes, they indulged in small talk about the weather, the events they’d both attended, or what they looked forward to for the summer.
“My husband is removing the household to his country estate soon. Originally, he wished to leave London by the end of this month, but duties to parliament prevented that, so we will go by the end of June.”
“That sounds wonderful. Your family will surely enjoy the time together.”
“I think so too.” The countess glanced over to the spot on the floor where her small son played with toys on a blanket spread over the Aubusson carpet. “It will be lovely to have my husband all to myself and to breathe fresh air.”
“I am delighted for you.” Constance took a sip of her tea as she watched the countess. The woman was so elegant in a way she could only aspire to become.
“Well, I am excited for you today.”
“Why?” Utterly confused, she frowned.
The countess smiled, and the gesture danced in her eyes.
“The last time you and I spoke, you had given me a glimpse of a dream of yours.” When Constance nodded, Clarissa continued.
“After thinking things over and talking about it with Biddleton, I would adore partnering with you in making a safe place for women who have been sexually accosted or have escaped abusive relationships.”
“What?” Surprise slammed into her chest. “Truly?” Ever since the idea had come to her mind when she’d been with Gregory, she hadn’t stopped thinking about it.
“Of course! It is a good idea, and a much needed one.” With a wink, the countess took another sip of tea. “In fact, I will provide monetary backing for the project.”
Tears welled in Constance’s eyes. “That is so generous of you. Thank you.”
“You are quite welcome. And I’m happy to help.” Her smile certainly reflected that fact.
“Where will we meet?”
“For the time being, we can use the downstairs parlor here until we organize enough and puzzle out how many women will come to the meetings.”
“How many times will we meet?”
“I’m thinking once a month to start. With light refreshments afterward. Then we shall go from there.”
“That sounds perfect.” With her linen napkin, she dabbed at her tears.
“It will mean so much to those women.” Every person she’d spoken to about the idea thus far had declined to help, thinking there was no need and such circumstances were merely how life was in London.
Even Lydia had said the idea was a bit silly.
Constance never thought it would come to this point.
And all because she’d been attacked then rescued, and now she would help others.
The countess continued to smile. “If there is enough interest, we can increase the meetings to twice monthly.”
She nodded. “Why would you do this at all?”
“It is good to have charities and causes to lend my support for people who need it, and with you in charge of its organization, I know it will prove a success.”
“I don’t know about that.” As she stared into her teacup, a soft sigh escaped her. If only Gregory was still in her life, she could tell him the glorious news, that would never have been born without his rescue. “I fear I’m far too much of a nobody to lend credence to this venture.”
“That doesn’t mean you won’t be a somebody to the women you help.”
Warmth of gratitude welled in Constance’s chest. “That we will help.” The smile she offered felt wobbly at best. “Thank you.”
“Yes, indeed.” As Clarissa cast a glance to her son who squealed and kicked his feet in apparent delight at one of his stuffed toys, she sighed.
“Has there ever been a more perfect boy?” The question was said in a dreamy sort of voice.
Was she already thinking of expanding her nursery?
Then she gave her head a bit of a shake and focused on Constance.
“How have you been these past couple of weeks?”
“To be honest, it’s been a struggle. There is grief, of course, but there are also things to look forward to.”
The other woman nodded. “Are you enjoying the time with your new suitor?”
“He is lovely, of course, and he speaks highly of your husband.” At one of the routs she’d attended this month in the viscount’s company, they’d had the opportunity to speak with the countess and the earl.
Clarissa snorted in amusement. “Everyone does, and some of those praises are from sycophants who wish to get close to Biddleton to promote their own positions.”
“Oh, I think Philip’s admiration is genuine.
” She put her cup and saucer on the table in front of her.
“Everything about him is genuine. I’ve spent enough time in his company by this time to know that.
” Heat seeped into her cheeks, for she’d shared a few kisses with the man, but hadn’t let him do anything further.
Quite frankly, she simply wasn’t ready for that, and she certainly wasn’t over what she felt for Gregory.
“In fact, he’s preparing to remove to his country estate the same time your husband is.
” With him being a viscount, he was anxious to begin his summer away from Town with riding and all the other entertainments gentlemen get up to.
“Ah, yes.” Clarissa peered closely at her as she sipped her tea. “Has he invited you to accompany him there?”
“At the moment, no, but I feel an invitation is forthcoming. He wishes for me to meet his mother and sister, as well as his young daughter.” Another wave of heat went into her cheeks. “Philip has called on me quite a few times, actually, so I suppose this is the expected next step.”
Silence reigned between them for the space of a few heartbeats. “How do you feel about him after the whirlwind of your relationship with Mr. Hamilton?”
“Oh…” As she dropped her gaze to her hands in her lap, Constance shrugged. “He is lovely, of course.”
“So you’ve said before,” the countess rejoined with a hint of humor in her voice.
“And he’s titled, which makes my father happy, for my future will be settled if he and I go further in this relationship.
” She pressed her lips together as she contemplated her next words.
“He’s a widower, but then, I’m a widow, and he has a young child, so I will become a mother immediately.
” A sigh left her throat, as if she were trying to convince herself that this was a good thing for her.
“He’s only five years older than me, so relatively young and with his life ahead of him… ”
“Constance…” The countess chuckled. “That is all well and good, but none of that tells me how you feel about him.”
“No, I suppose it doesn’t.” As confusion fogged her brain, she focused on Clarissa. “The viscount is a good man. I should be properly grateful, but…”
The countess laid a hand over hers. “But you still think about Gregory.”
“Yes. All the time, when I know I should be thinking about Philip instead.” Heated anxiousness rose in her chest. Her breath came in short pants.
That panic would strangle her soon if she wasn’t careful.
As she sat there thinking, her heartbeat raced.
“I miss him, Clarissa. I don’t know how to not miss him, for I thought we’d had something special…
” Their relationship had ended suddenly and in high emotion. “I, uh, I only hope he’s doing well.”
“Oh, dear Constance, those eyes of yours hold a thousand secrets and heartbreaks.” The countess moved closer to her, gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. “I’m so sorry about what happened. It must hurt dreadfully.”
“Yes.” It helped to have that physical connection, that sense of caring from another person, but she wished Gregory were with her.
She’d never been more at ease or calm than when she was with him.
For several moments, she concentrated on regulating her breathing, on calming herself so she wouldn’t embarrass herself with an episode.
“This past month has seemed like both an eternity and merely a day. I still think he’ll come into my house with that charming grin and the twinkle in his eye…
but then he doesn’t.” Then she had to suffer his absence all over again.
“All will be well, Constance.” Clarissa held her gaze. “In matters like these, after a fight or being lost to emotions, it always ends just as it should.”
If only she could take comfort in those words. “How can it be well? The things I said to him before he we parted… The things he said to me… The way he looked!” She shook her head. “I was so gutted when he left…”
“I don’t have answers for you, but when two people feel that deeply for each other? That tells me whatever is between you isn’t done. You must have hope.”
The tears welling in her eyes spilled over onto her cheeks. “I don’t know when I will ever not think of him, but to have hope that he might return?” She shook her head as tears fell to her cheeks. “Have you seen him recently?” Why did she ask that? It wasn’t her business, was it?
“To be honest, Biddleton and I have only had Mr. Hamilton to dinner once since you two parted.” The countess shrugged. Honesty reflected in her eyes. “He says a spate of cases have kept him busy. That very well may be true, but I’ll ask Biddleton how it really is.”
When she paused, stopped talking, Constance frowned. “What?”
“There’s been a bit of gossip that he’s been seen in the company of a marquess’ daughter for the past couple of weeks. I think their parents are friends.”
“Oh.” Pain radiated around heart. “How lovely for him. Does he fancy her?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps. I’ve been busy here with the boy and my duties…”
“Don’t apologize. It is not your responsibility.” She wiped her eyes. “Forgive me for being a ninny. It’s just that he was the first man after Samuel…”
“I know.” The countess nodded. “The two of you were close, friends of course, and lovers. Perhaps more than that?” Again, she held Constance’s gaze with her own.
“If we were, it didn’t matter, for he is of your world, not of mine.”
“Ha.” Clarissa shook her head. “If you marry Lord Conklin, you’ll be part of this world.”
“Too little too late, hmm?” She’d be a fool not to accept the viscount’s suit if he did indeed pursue it.
Yet if she did, she would run in the same circles as Gregory and the marquess’ daughter.
It would be pure torture. She shook her head.
“Time can’t stand still, and we can’t linger over disappointments, can we?
” Yet it felt as if her whole world was falling down around her.
Again.
“It is perfectly acceptable to feel how you feel, Constance.”
She wiped at the moisture on her cheeks.
“Yet it won’t change the outcome, will it?
” She’d done the stupid thing of falling in love with a man she couldn’t have.
Perhaps she deserved the pain. It served as a reminder to never let her emotions carry her away.
She needed a secure future, not a happy one.
“No, I suppose not.” Clarissa’s eyes were sad. “Have you ever thought to call on him, to plead your case?”
A trill of hysterical laughter escaped her. “I pleaded my case the night we parted. No wonder he is a barrister, for he defended his position as I did mine. Though he was emotional, he never said anything of how he felt for me, if anything.”
“Did you?”
“I did not.” She shook her head. “There was no point. He’d already made his decision.”
“But you hadn’t.”
“I think I did when I let Lord Conklin—Philip—lead me out into that first set.” For a few seconds, she remained silent as her heart broke anew.
“Please don’t worry about me, Clarissa. I’m fine.
Truly.” With a sniff, she tugged a handkerchief from her reticule, then she dabbed at her eyes.
“Give Gregory my best the next time you see him.”
“I will. Do you want me to try and have him call on you?”
“No.” She shook her head. “He needs to stay in my past. No good can come of stirring that pot.” It would only prolong the pain.
“I promise.”
“Good.” She pressed her lips together. “If we could draw up a schedule for the group over the summer? I’d like to fit it around other things in my diary.”
“Yes, of course. Let me ring for some paper and a pen,” the countess said as she rose to her feet.
“Thank you.” At least it would give her something to focus on. There was plenty of time to indulge in tears and regrets later.