Chapter Fifteen
Niamh
My wedding night.
Growing up, I had moments when I would think about my wedding and the man I was going to marry. It was strange, as I could barely picture him. I’d always been able to picture the future. I could imagine a couple of kids. I didn’t care what sex they were, as long as they were healthy. I’d think about special events like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, even New Years, and then of course there were special birthdays. I wanted to be the kind of mom my kids could come to for anything. Needed brownies for a bake sale, I was your gal. A costume for a Halloween party, I totally could whip one up. Gifts at Christmas, I was the queen of the shopping mall. I’d have a man who loved me for me. The perfect family. In my head, that was.
Instead, I was sitting on the edge of a bed in a very expensive hotel, with complete strangers around me. Well, not in the hotel room, but all the guests were complete strangers. Even my half-brother was a stranger. I also knew he didn’t like me. He certainly didn’t like that I was now married into the Volkov Bratva.
It was hard for me to wrap my head around, because I’d never even heard of the Volkov Bratva, but then I’d been kept out of the loop about everything. I wasn’t allowed to know anything or anyone. My place was just to serve, and that was exactly what I di d— served.
I didn’t have a clue what my place was here. What did they expect of me?
The door to the bedroom closed and I glanced over to see Peter flicking the lock into place.
“Do we have to worry about them … breaking in?”
“No, but I figured you’d be happier with a lock on the door.”
I didn’t know if he was right or not.
Rubbing my head, I tried to stifle a yawn. I was exhausted. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and I knew I’d lost a little bit of weight as my clothes were hanging off me. Eating didn’t appeal to me, not in the slightest.
“Are you okay?” Peter asked.
I took a deep breath and shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just trying to figure everything out, you know.” I rubbed at my temple. I didn’t know if I was ready to do this. I’d done everything in my power to avoid this man for the past month.
So much had happened in such little time, and I didn’t know what to do or think. I’d not had time to comprehend either option.
I tensed up as Peter came to sit on the edge of the bed, right next to me. I wrapped my arms around myself, I didn’t know what or who I was protecting myself from.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“What?”
“Pretend to be him?”
“Who?”
“Peter Shadows,” I said. The truth was, I missed him so much. My father had truly come into our lives and made a total mess of everything. I felt tears fill my eyes and I quickly glanced down. I was not going to cry.
“I’m still here.”
“No, you’re not. He was a lie. You said so yourself. You were just acting the part. He doesn’t exist. Peter Shadows had never killed anyone. Peter was a nice guy.” I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him as I was attempting to control the tears that filled my eyes. They were being stubborn.
“Peter Shadows didn’t exist, Niamh. You can pretend all you want, but I was that man, and I am still that man.”
At first, I didn’t know how to respond, so a few seconds passed as I tried to get my bearings.
“You’re right, and that man was ordered to have sex with me. Just like now. You’re not here of your own free will. You are being forced to be with me, and do you know what that feels like?” I asked, but I didn’t give him time to answer. “It sucks, in a real big way. It sucks more than you could imagine.”
I hated to admit it, but it did. Knowing he’d been forced to be with me. I was nothing more than a job to him, and it hurt. Staring down at the floor, I willed myself not to let the tears fall, but it would seem my tears had other ideas, and that pissed me off. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to feel this way.
“Niamh, I may have gone to Pickle Quest to find you, to protect you, and to put a baby inside you. It was an order, but I didn’t do it out of force.”
I shook my head. “Stop.”
“I did it because I wanted to.”
“I said stop!” I got up from the bed, and then pressed my hands to my ears. “I get it, okay? I know I’m not beautiful. I know I’m not pretty, and I know you were only there because your boss ordered you to be. It’s the only reason you’re married to me.”
I didn’t know why I was freaking out. In that moment, I felt so tired. So … lost.
All my life, I’d grown accustomed to feeling unwanted. My mother had told me regularly that she had thought about aborting me. She’d even considered killing me as a baby, but my father had always shown up at the right moment, which convinced her to keep me alive.
It was strange, because I only had a vague memory of the older lady coming to see me. A woman who said she was my grandmother, and from the moment she said those words, I’d loved her. I ran into her arms and instantly told her I loved her. She stayed with me for a couple of day s— sporadic visits that I always looked forward t o— until she eventually stopped coming.
My father told me cruelly that she was now dead and wasn’t coming back. He’d told me she’d been getting senile and she didn’t love me at all. She didn’t even remember who I was.
I’d gotten used to experiencing a lot of hate. Knowing no one was capable of loving me.
Then Peter Shadows came along.
I tried to keep him at arm’s length. To not have anything to do with him. It was odd, because I wasn’t angry at him for following orders. I wasn’t angry at Peter for anything. I was angry at myself for believing it.
Only one person in my life showed me love. Then out of nowhere an amazing guy suddenly showed an interest in me, and I lapped it up like a puppy dog after a bone. I was pathetic.
Peter had given me a taste of something I’d been trying to bury deep. He’d given me a taste of love. He’d made me feel wanted, cared for, needed, and that hurt more than rejection, especially now. Because it had all been a lie.
I felt like I was losing my mind. I certainly was losing my senses, but then, all too soon, Peter’s there, and he slid his hands beneath mine and cupped my face.
“No,” he said. “I’m not going to stop.”
He slammed us both against the wall and tilted my head back. I didn’t get time to ask him what he was doing before his lips were on mine. He kissed me hard.
He’d not kissed me since that day at the picnic. The picni c — it already felt like a lifetime ago.
All sense of reasoning left my mind as he kissed me. I knew I should fight him, tell him to let me go, tell him to fuck off. But in the craziness of our world right now, this felt like the only thing that was right.
I could make sense of this.
I knew what he wanted.
I knew who I was.
I belonged to Peter.
The only problem was, this wasn’t the Peter I wanted.
****
Peter
Ivan had told me it was now my time to take care of her. I had no problem doing that, because in the last month I had gotten a clear picture of who Niamh Byrne was.
She was scared. Lost. Alone. And I knew for a fact she was unwanted. At least, that was what she thought.
Ivan had sent me to collect her, to knock her up. She’d been a job, but when it came down to the final act, I’d never wanted to do anything more than I did with her. I wasn’t acting with Niamh. I wasn’t faking it. The moment I touched her, I wanted her.
Even now as I tried to handle her emotions, I took possession of her lips, kissed her, and had no intention of doing anything more tonight, even though I wanted to. I wanted to break this fucking void between us, which I knew would happen the moment she found out the truth.
Ivan was just too fucking stubborn to accept that this kind of shit was going to happen regardless of what he did.
It was a fucked-up mess with Niamh and me. That I could accept, but I refused to give up on her.
Breaking the kiss, I stared down into her tear-stained face. Some of her makeup had started to smudge. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt her. Stroking her cheek, I couldn’t look away. I needed to take care of her.
As I reached for her hand, Niamh didn’t fight me, which I was thankful for. I’d still fight her if I had to.
I walked with her through to our en-suite bathroom, and I didn’t say a word. Ivan loved his creature comforts, so the weddings were always luxurious. I didn’t know if this was his way of trying to win women over, or just because he liked to show off his power and influence.
There were many rumors, some true. I was aware that Ivan had spent a lot of time on the streets after being rejected by his father. He had to learn to survive. I believe he lived with Slavik, as well as a woman. I feel her name was Cara, who would later betray him.
I also believed this was Ivan’s way of giving the women he was taking under his wing, the perfect day. The perfect wedding. I didn’t know why it mattered to him. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Victor’s face when it came time to his wedding.
Letting go of Niamh, I stepped toward the shower and switched it on. I tested the water to make sure it was at the right temperature, and then I turned toward Niamh. Tears fell down her face, and she wasn’t making a sound. I saw her heartache. There was no room for words.
I walked behind her and reached for the zipper of her dress. The seamstress had complained about this dress. When Niamh first tried it on, it had fit like a dream. Niamh had lost too much weight in the past months, and they had to quickly pin and tuck it all in to fit.
With the zipper released, the dress fell to Niamh’s hips. I stepped close, and with her unable to see me, I couldn’t resist leaning in and sniffing her hair. She smelled so good. Like vanilla and honey. I’d missed being this close to her.
Pushing the dress past her hips, she wore a white padded bra and a thong that was not helping the state of my dick.
She wasn’t ready for us, for a true wedding night. I’d already taken her virginity, I didn’t need to fuck her again until we were both damn good and ready. Although I wanted to. Tonight was certainly not the night.
I took care of her bra, flicking open the clasp, and then helping it find its way onto the floor. Her thong was easy. The flimsy fabric gave way, and I tossed it to the floor.
I stayed behind her, staring at her naked back, not liking the weight she had lost, but also knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I stripped out of my clothes, and then put my hands on her hips and guided her into the shower. She didn’t fight me.
When I touched her, I felt her tense. I moved her into the shower, and the water had now gotten nice and warm. We stepped beneath the water and I closed the door.
Niamh tilted her head back, eyes closed, and allowed the water to wash over her. I was able to just watch her. I didn’t need to talk or to ruin the moment. Neither of us did.
With her distracted, I reached for the soap and a sponge, lathering it up. I pulled Niamh into my arms, and the moment I touched her, she flinched, which I wasn’t happy about, but there was nothing I could do.
Keeping one hand on her at all times, I began to soap her body.
“Do you ever wonder what our kid would be like?” I asked.
“Don’t,” she said.
“Just the other day, I was in my office at the penthouse. I’ve not taken you to my other home yet, but I’ve got a yard. Even a basketball court and a tennis court. I couldn’t help but imagine our son shooting hoops on that court. Our daughter dribbling the ball down the court.”
“Please,” she said.
I never planned to tell her about my past, about who I was. My past was exactly that, in the past. “I don’t know how to be a father. I’m not going to compare or compete with your father. Your father is an asshole. My father is dead and I killed him. Don’t feel any kind of sadness or pity. My dad was evil to the core.” She didn’t make a sound. I’d always tried to avoid talking about my personal life back in Pickle Quest. “My dad was a different kind of father. To him, he didn’t want anyone weak or feeble. To him, there was nothing worse than having a weak kid, because they were going to grow into a weak adult. He couldn’t stand that. So, he came up with this marvelous idea where he would test his children’s strength. I was put through a lot of tests by my father.”
I massaged the sponge into her flesh, and waited for my words to sink in.
“I know what you’re thinking. Math tests? Spelling? Arithmetic? My dad didn’t give a fuck about how educated we were. I’ll tell you about one of the tests. None of us could learn to swim, and he always felt that the best way to learn was by throwing you into the deep end. That is how I learned to swim.”
Niamh gasped and she tried to turn, but I didn’t want to look at her while I talked about a time I promised myself I would never speak of again. This was all in the past. I was more than happy to let it go. The people were all dead.
“He grabbed me, threw me in the deep end of the pool, and told me I’d win by learning to swim and not drown. I was so tired by the end of that day. My arms ached like I’d been fighting a superhero or something. And to make sure I knew how to swim, he did it again, immediately after. So even tired, I had no choice but to fight for my life.”
“That is awful.”
“My sister and brother were not so lucky.”
This made Niamh gasp. “They died.”
“Yes.”
“Another tes t— he dumped me and other kids out into the woods to survive. It was freezing cold, so not only was I fighting the elements to survive, he’d also sent men in there to hunt us down.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. There is no way that could happen.”
“I got out. I killed the hunter, and I knew there were others that didn’t survive. He attempted to brand me.” This time, I did spin her around, taking hold of her fingers, and placing it at a patch of my thigh I had covered with ink. “Some of us died of sepsis. He refused to treat us, and he even left us outside. I was able to take care of myself. Others were not so lucky.” I hadn’t thought of the other boys and girls, who had struggled against the fever.
Some had gotten the wounds infected and it had spread through their bodies, until eventually they couldn’t fight any longer.
They had gone.
“You speak as if you had … so many brothers and sisters.”
“I did, or at least that is what I was told. I would later find that my father was paying an orphanage to send their unwanted children to him. He’d turned his tests into a game, and he was recording it. There were others, wealthy men and women, who were paying to watch. Seeing who would be able to survive. We were like a bunch of dogs in a cage, and they were priming us ready to fight. The only thing I know for sure is I am an Orlov.”
Niamh had tears in her eyes and she reached up and touched my cheek. “I’m so sorry.”
“You do not have to cry. I dealt with it. That man is no longer alive and he’s never going to hurt another child again.”
“But, don’t you get it? Your father. My father. I don’t imagine it stops there, does it?”
“The world is full of men that do evil things. We’re not going to be able to change that,” I said.
“Why did you tell me this?” she asked.
“I wanted you to know who I am, so you could understand.”