Chapter 18
CLARK
B reakfast each morning with Colin had become a business meeting of sorts. We discussed the events of the day before and planned the day ahead, deciding which events I would attend and what I would wear. That day, Colin’s eyes were slightly swollen, his skin pale. “I hardly slept.”
I studied his dreadful appearance for a long moment.
He ate slowly from his plate, staring out the window.
He had hardly slept? I had been awake for hours reflecting on my interaction with Miss Sharp the day before.
I had nearly kissed her. She had seemed as if she wanted me to.
My complete lack of control over my heart was alarming, and I had been struggling to school it back into compliance.
The hours I had spent trying to do so had only resulted in me thinking even more of her and how delightful and beautiful and aggravating she was.
Even knowing what I did of her lies and deception, I still wanted her.
And I wanted her to know that I was not Colin.
My brother let out a long sigh, as if he had been the one burdened with the emotional turmoil and responsibility of bearing a false identity. I had been reining in my frustration toward him, but it was hanging by a thread.
“I never thought it possible, but I am growing rather bored being away from society,” he said. “My lack of exercise is making me sleep poorly. I haven’t been to any balls or parties since you arrived.”
“Exercise? If I recall, you don’t usually ask any ladies to dance.”
Colin’s brow furrowed. “That is true. But at least I walk through the streets of town and promenade in the gardens.”
“We can end the ruse whenever you wish.” I folded my arms. “I have no objection.”
Colin eyed me for a long moment. “The servants have been relaying gossip to me, and I have been informed that the courtship has become public knowledge.”
“I’ve been as discreet as possible.” I scowled as the realization came over me. “Mrs. Wickerton is in town. She must have already begun spreading rumors.”
Colin leaned forward in his chair. “Wickerton? From home?”
I gave a solemn nod, gritting my teeth. “Unfortunately, yes. She was at the Beresfords’ party. I didn’t think she had any reason to believe I—er— you were courting Miss Sharp, but she must have gathered enough evidence.”
Colin sighed. “Surely Miss Sharp has been telling all her acquaintances. It would only benefit her to have the public discover your attention toward her.”
“Let us cut it off then before it spreads even more.” I set down my fork, no longer interested in my plate. My heart pounded. “I will tell Miss Sharp the truth myself.”
“No.” Colin shook his head swiftly before placing his palm against it.
He took a deep breath. “Let town continue to gossip. I see nothing wrong with that. Once Miss Sharp learns that you don’t have a fortune, she will be embarrassed enough to keep the news quiet.
No one will believe her word above mine.
I will claim that I cut off the courtship because I learned of her intentions to secure my fortune, and she will be exposed as a fortune hunter.
That will be enough to encourage her to leave town and leave Sir William and all the rest of us alone for the rest of the season. ”
My stomach sank with dread. The thought of Miss Sharp being driven out of town and back to her unkind elder brother at my hands was too much to bear.
I didn’t want to have a hand in that at all.
She would never forgive me. But wasn’t it too late?
I had already been lying to her, and now she would suffer more for it.
Mrs. Wickerton was relentless. If servants were talking about the courtship, that meant their masters and mistresses were talking about the same thing above stairs. Mrs. Wickerton had likely been spilling all her assumptions to her acquaintances at the Pump Room each morning.
I caught sight of Colin’s smirk in the reflection of the window, and my frustration boiled over. “Don’t you have anything better to do than torment a young lady?”
Colin’s gaze snapped to mine. Even early in the morning, his hair was combed perfectly away from his forehead.
A deep crease appeared in it. “If it weren’t for me, you would never have been given an apprenticeship after what you did to Miss Merrick.
You wouldn’t have a home, food, or clothing on your back.
You are in no position to question how I spend my time or what I ask of you. ” His voice was dark.
I willed myself to relax, but my muscles remained tense. I tried to keep my voice even, but my anger broke through. “You wouldn’t have such control over me at all if you had been born little more than twelve minutes later.”
“You act as if I withheld everything from you!” Colin scoffed, his own voice raising. “You have no idea how difficult it has been to manage you and your recklessness. I also have Eloise and Sally and Mother to worry about and provide for.”
“Would you rather have been born with nothing?” I snapped. “With no money, no direction…no purpose? You might have done exactly as I did.”
“I suppose we will never know.” Colin’s eyes hardened.
“But you had an allowance and you gambled with it. You had the opportunity to marry a woman of high standing and you left her at the church. You cannot blame me for any of your circumstances, including the situation you now find yourself in. You owe me a debt, and this is what I have asked of you. I could have asked for much more. I could have withheld much more, and I still can.”
Heat boiled inside my veins. “Are you threatening me?”
“I told you I would recommend your services as a courtesy. Agreeing to resume your allowance was a result of a moment of generosity. If you continue to disrespect me, I will conclude our business with the repayment of your debt and offer nothing more. I might even like to see you court Miss Sharp a little longer than planned.”
I pushed away from the table, my jaw clenched tight.
Colin looked up at me, his features still thorny and cold.
Suddenly, I imagined him as a boy, when the two of us had made mischief on the grounds of the estate, staying up late to play cards, learning to fence and ride, shoot and hunt, and running around with the other young boys in our neighborhood.
All the anger that boiled under my skin collapsed into a moment of grief.
It was unfamiliar, but it beat painfully against my heart.
“When did we begin referring to our interactions as business?” I muttered.
The sudden drop in my tone seemed to take Colin by surprise.
A flicker of uncertainty crossed his features before he returned his gaze to the window.
He was silent for a long moment, the edges of his jaw tight.
Was he not going to answer at all? Perhaps he didn’t know the answer. I wasn’t certain I did either.
I could have told him that I had begun falling in love with Miss Sharp—for I was now quite certain that was what I was feeling—but I doubted he would care.
Colin seemed to care for nothing but himself of late, and it pained me to see it.
He was bitter and angry and overly distrustful.
The walls around him had grown thicker since the last time I had been in his company.
Colin shot a quick glance in my direction.
He seemed intent on ignoring my earlier question, asserting his dominance once again.
“Despite the gossip, continue to court Miss Sharp as long as I see fit,” he said in a firm voice.
“Perhaps you both will learn that there are consequences to fortune hunting.”
My brow furrowed, my heart sinking at the same time. “What do you mean?”
Colin turned in his chair with a sigh. “I know why you chose to pursue Miss Merrick. It was obvious that you wanted her dowry. There was a moment when I thought you had good intentions, but it all became clear when you left her at the church. I was surprised you were willing to give up your chance at the money, but changing your mind didn’t make you any more noble. ”
I took a step back, a deep sense of guilt enveloping my heart.
I didn’t want to try to defend myself. There was nothing to defend.
I deserved the pain that was surely coming when I was finally free to reveal the truth to Miss Sharp.
But she didn’t deserve it. There must have been a reason she was so desperate for an advantageous marriage.
She seemed eager for freedom from the control of her elder brother, and she might have thought marrying a man with power was the safest way to escape.
Her intentions were not as wicked as Colin assumed. I knew it.
I hadn’t made plans yet to see her again, but I was suddenly anxious to find her. She might have heard the gossip Mrs. Wickerton was spreading about the courtship, and I wanted to put her mind at ease.
Why should the courtship have to end when my identity was revealed?
Miss Sharp had lied to me, so perhaps she would be more forgiving than I thought. I had seen in her eyes that she had feelings for me too.
My heart pounded with hope.
Colin could not have his way with everything. How surprised would he be if he learned that I married the very woman he had been hoping to deceive? In time, I would explain everything to Miss Sharp, but today, I simply wanted to see her.
Arguing with Colin would achieve nothing, so I left him there at the breakfast table.