Chapter 15
EVELYN BLACKWELL
Charlie and I returned to the summer house after our time at the waterfall only to find Mama and Papa searching for us when we arrived. “Where is Captain Calder?” Papa asked.
I pursed my lips. “He didn’t return here? We showed him the waterfall, but he tired of it before we did.”
Charlie kicked at the dirt. “I should have stopped him. I wanted to show him the forest path around the lawn.”
I was the one who should have stopped him.
Who knew where he was? It took only a few minutes for my brain to wake up and remember he knew where Hattie was and might be saddling his horse right now to ride into town.
I shouldn’t have told him where she went.
I didn’t want to be his nursemaid on the one day Hattie was away from the estate.
Mama hummed in concern. “With nearly everyone else in Peak Hollow, perhaps you two should find him.”
I couldn’t agree more. But maybe there was a way I could still have a day off. “Charlie, you should go. I’m certain Captain Calder would love to have you show him the grounds.”
“Shouldn’t you join them?” Mama asked
“I’d rather stay here with you.” And I’d rather not spend any more time with the captain.
He was . . . what was he? My mind went back to the feel of his arm brushing against mine on the bench.
As much as I’d tried to ignore it, I couldn’t.
Unsettling. That’s what he was. His entrance into my life had completely uprooted my plans..
Now instead of focusing on Hattie, every day I had to focus on him.
I needed a reprieve from such nonsense, and Charlie was the perfect person to give it to me.
“I don’t mind,” Charlie said, dashing along the path back toward the house, no doubt trying to take the decision away from my parents. “We’ll have more fun without Evelyn.”
“Check the stables first,” I called after him. “And make it clear you want to show him the grounds.” It was a risk to count on the captain being unwilling to disappoint Charlie, but it was a calculated one. I’d seen the way his eyes had softened earlier when Charlie had taken his hand.
I settled down on the cushion at Mama and Papa’s feet and we were quiet.
I loved so many places on the estate—the waterfall, this summer house, the upper garden overlooking the lawn and archery butts.
I inhaled deeply. The air in the Peak District was always invigorating. Thank the heavens for a clear day.
“What do you think of the captain?” Mama asked after a few moments of silence.
My shoulders stiffened and I silently cursed myself for the reaction. Fortunately my parents couldn’t see my face. Answering this question would require some evasive maneuvering. Papa loved Captain Calder.
“He is well-mannered,” I replied cautiously. “I don’t know him well yet.”
“It seems like you have spent a decent amount of time with him,” Mama mentioned with a careful quality in her voice. “You must have an opinion of him. I’ve seen you take a disliking to any number of men within minutes.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think of the captain. What matters is what Hattie thinks.”
Papa placed a hand on my shoulder. “You know, it took me a while to realize what kind of man he was,” Papa said.
“He was always on time and worked hard from the beginning, but many of my soldiers were the same. He would later prove himself a calm and intelligent leader on the battlefield, and I know I’ve told you enough about those stories.
But what first got my attention was how he treated the wounded and ill in Walcheren.
That story doesn’t have the happiest of endings, so I don’t think I’ve spoken of it. "
Was there really a story Papa hadn’t told me yet? How many stories of Captain Calder did he have?
“After we took Flushing, he carried man after man to our makeshift hospitals. He would deposit one and immediately leave to get another.”
“You have told me this story,” I said with relief. Perhaps we could move on to another topic. I knew Papa liked Captain Calder so much he wanted me to try to improve his chances with Hattie, but I simply couldn’t do it. He was possibly in love with another woman and he’d kissed me.
Even if he was telling the truth and he had only the most honorable of intentions toward Hattie, it would be excruciating for him to join this family.
When I was with the Pryors, I was comfortable.
We all loved and cared for one another and we could be ourselves together.
Captain Calder would ruin that. The only way I was going to be able to forget that kiss was if I simply never saw him again.
It was the only answer. Everything would have been better if the two of us could have departed that croft and remained strangers. “He brought back what? A dozen men?”
“Yes, but I haven’t told you of the last one he brought in. I’ve shielded you from it. Most of the men had stopped looking for wounded, but not Captain Calder—he stayed out half an hour longer than anyone else, and when he returned, he was carrying a man not much older than a boy.
“I immediately sent two men to relieve him of his burden, but he wouldn’t have it.
He accepted help from one of them, but wouldn’t relinquish the soldier completely.
The boy didn’t look good. I wasn’t even certain he was alive.
I’ll spare you the details, but my guess is he hadn’t been brought in earlier because other soldiers passing him must have assumed he’d already perished.
“When they arrived at the hospital, I expected Captain Calder to lay him down and go out to look for more. I’d been prepared to stop him before he became a patient himself.
But he didn’t. He stayed with the boy. He made certain the surgeons didn’t overlook him, and when they refused to operate on him, he demanded they at least dose him with laudanum. ”
Mama made a choking sound, and I swallowed hard.
Papa never would have told this story while he was in the service.
I’d rather not be hearing it now. It was easier to think of Captain Calder only as a man who dined with us each evening and not as a man who’d lived through battles and seen death.
It was easier not to think of Papa in the same situations as well.
Papa squeezed my shoulder and I started. “He stayed with that boy for twelve hours, Evelyn. After a day of fighting and hours of bringing in the wounded, he wouldn’t leave his side.” His voice quieted. “I did everything but command him to go to bed and do you know what he said to me?”
Did I want to know? It was going to be something brave and kind, and it was easier to think of Captain Calder as a man here to woo Hattie while also at least half in love with another woman.
I didn’t want him to be the best match for her.
If he was, then I was meddling in a way that could hurt Hattie once again.
“What?” Mama asked, her voice quavering.
“He looked me in the eye and said, ‘No one should ever be left alone.’” Papa cleared his throat, emotions catching in his voice at the memory. “‘Especially not when hope is gone.’”
I took in a long, slow breath, hoping to steady myself.
Could I have mistaken Captain Calder’s intentions with Hattie?
The man Papa had just described—the man Papa had always described—didn’t seem to be the kind that would be in love with one woman while pursuing another.
He’d been delusional in that cottage, and while his anguish and longing had seemed genuine, what if everything had been a result of the fever?
Maybe May wasn’t real, or perhaps it hadn’t been a person he’d been calling out for.
Perhaps he’d wanted something and was starting a sentence he was never able to finish.
All of my prejudices against Captain Calder came from one night when he’d been in the throes of a fever.
Judging him only on that seemed suddenly unjustifiable.
And if I’d been wrong about him, was my discomfort over the fact that he’d kissed me when he was out of his mind enough to keep him from Hattie?
I sighed heavily.
Most likely not.
I turned so I could face them. Mama had tears in her eyes.
They both looked at me expectantly, as if I should add to what I’d said of the captain earlier.
They wanted Captain Calder to be given the respect and the opportunity they felt he deserved.
They must have noticed my efforts to keep him from Hattie.
“I shall try to see the best in him, Papa. It sounds as though that won’t be hard. ”
They both smiled with relief.
Which didn’t make me feel more confident about my decision.
As vexing as it had been to oppose Captain Calder at every turn, it was going to be at least as taxing to befriend him.
First of all, there was my pride, I hated swallowing it with a passion and I would have to.
If I suddenly became kind to Captain Calder, he was certain to notice.
And then what? Was I supposed to tell him I’d come to my senses and realized he was an honorable man after all?
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give the man compliments and allow myself to like him.
That night and both of our actions during it still held power over me.
My memories of it were an ever burning ember I’d only been able to keep at bay by dousing it with willful hostility.
I’d held Captain Calder when I’d thought he was dying.
I knew he had a scar on his chest that matched the one through his eyebrow.
He’d kissed me and I’d spent nearly a week reflecting on the softness of his lips and the tenderness of his touch.
How was I going to replace hostility with friendship and still keep that ember from bursting into flame?
And the worst of it was I had no choice but to do it. All of my excuses were only going to affect me, and this house party was never about me. It was about Hattie. And so my pride would be swallowed, and I would find another way to push aside the thoughts of that night for her sake.