Chapter 22 #2
‘Possibly Sir Harry Eager does not, but otherwise yes, it may be so,’ he said with a brief, wintry gleam of humour that swiftly vanished.
‘But there are different kinds of secrets, you must know. Ones that are discreditable, and ones that are actually dangerous. Many men are addicted to gambling, or have mistresses and illegitimate offspring, or even an embarrassing ailment that might be communicated to an innocent woman they married.’ He saw her face and hastened to add, ‘It’s none of those things.
I do have a lover, I have had a lover for many years, and so my heart is no longer in my keeping and I cannot give it to you, but…
not a mistress, no natural children. Never that. ’
She did not understand what he was saying to her for a moment. And then everything fell into place. ‘Not a woman.’
Whatever he saw in her face, it prompted him to continue with a little more confidence.
‘No. Not a woman, Allegra. And it’s true, I do need an heir to carry on my name, or so I’m told.
I wouldn’t care so much myself – I’m only a baron, it’s a recent title from the last century, I’m not the Holy Roman Emperor or heir to some ancient dukedom.
But my mother feels differently, and says I owe her that much.
’ He was speaking more naturally than she had ever heard him, and now he made a helpless sort of a gesture. His mother, indeed.
‘She knows.’ That explained so much about the woman’s manner last night.
‘We’ve never talked about it openly, not in so many words, but she does.
To match your frankness, Miss Constantine, I think that’s why she’s willing to accept you when otherwise she might not.
She covers it well in public, but I am the gravest possible disappointment to her.
’ His mouth quirked in bitter self-mockery.
‘Her only child. Look at me, a pattern-card of the man of fashion. I appear so much like the son she feels she deserved, and the whole world – or most of it – thinks I am all of that, and yet, I am not. I never can be. She feels it very deeply, and never neglects an opportunity to make me aware of her extreme dissatisfaction.’
‘So a woman of my obscure origins will do for her?’ she said bluntly.
‘I’m afraid that’s about the measure of it. Her pride of birth wars with her disgust at me, and this is the result.’ Now he had begun to share his feelings, he did not seem able to stop.
‘I imagine some part of her thinks that when one day I bring disgrace upon the family and mire her neck-deep in scandal, at least she will not face harsh reproaches from my wife’s noble family.
Obviously, she believes that such a downfall is inevitable, because in her mind I spend my every evening drinking pints of gin in some molly house in Covent Garden with a costermonger’s boy in my lap, before coming home to promiscuously fondle the better-looking footmen.
I assure you I do none of these things, and never have, but that is of no matter to her.
She doesn’t much care, I daresay, what any number of Constantines think of her or me, if everything should come crashing down on us one day because of my…
proclivities. It is a very particular sort of pride she has, and indeed not very flattering, to me, to you, or to your kin – I am sorry. ’
‘I’m sorry too,’ she said. ‘That must be dreadful for you, living with such a pressure upon you, and such hurtful knowledge of her feelings.’
He shrugged with casual elegance. She saw the veneer of the cool man of the world creeping back over him like a film of ice over a pond, concealing the genuine emotion he had so briefly allowed her to see, and her heart ached for him. And for herself.
‘I promise that’s not why I have chosen you, even if my mother thinks it is. But Allegra, I would not make excessive demands on you,’ he said. ‘Though if we were to have a child, or children, obviously that would mean…’
‘Obviously.’
‘You would be free to live as you pleased, afterwards. The London house would be yours for life, and our marriage settlement would be most generous. I have a hunting box in Leicestershire; I would prefer to spend most of my time there, for reasons I imagine I need not say aloud. My mother lives on my estate in Wiltshire, and rules it with a rod of iron, but I understand that you might not…’
‘No. I should think she might not, as well. Half an hour in her company convinced me that we could never live under the same roof.’
‘God knows I can sympathise with that.’
Allegra was well aware that she had not yet answered him.
‘May I have some time to think, sir? I… I don’t know what I should say to you.
’ She’d never liked him better than she did just now, though she might pause to wonder why a man in his difficult situation could not be a little more tolerant of others who were also in some respects pariahs, like Mr Severin.
But she did not know if mere liking could ever be enough.
And she could not – she really could not, she found – so much as hint at the idea that she might wish to be free one day to take a lover, once her responsibilities to him were discharged, assuming they ever were.
Now that she knew the truth, she thought he might say yes, he would be obliged in common justice to give her that freedom.
He didn’t seem like a bully or a tyrant, though he might reveal those disagreeable qualities if he ever knew the identity of her lover, a man he already disliked and looked on with most disagreeable prejudice.
But was that clandestine existence any way to live?
She could see that Lord Milton had no other option – but that did not mean she should choose such a life willingly for herself.
It was not the prospect of scandal she feared – it was the loneliness.
Her situation would be little better than Viola’s.
Her suitor smiled wryly. ‘Of course you must take all the time you need. I am glad I have told you the truth, whatever comes of it. Thank you for listening. And for even considering my offer. I know it isn’t what you might have hoped for.’
‘Nor you.’
He stood, as did she, and took her hand, bending over it to kiss it with his usual languid grace. ‘Life is like that, I have found. We must play the hands we are dealt. I don’t suppose Winterflood was all your sister ever dreamed of, either.’
‘No. And since we are sharing secrets, I may tell you that she is by no means happy in his company. He’s older than our father, they have nothing in common but the children, and he has not always treated her well. She warned me straitly to be cautious when it came to choosing between suitors.’
‘And so you should be. I am sorry I cannot offer you all you deserve, Allegra. But at least I have not stooped to lie to you. I will give you as long as you need to make up your mind; it would be grossly unfair to do anything else.’
And with that he took his leave, and she stood staring after him, long after the door had closed.