Chapter 23
23
TOM
Having Lou home again is amazing, because I was worried she might not come back. I’ve joined a support group for the partners of people with terminal illnesses, and it’s not uncommon for those people to want to return to their parents’ care in the last weeks of their lives. Their parents were the people who nurtured them and cared for them the last time they were vulnerable and reliant on others – as children – so it’s probably no surprise that the same environment feels like the best and safest place to be in the final stage of their lives. Except none of that was the case for Lou. There are other reasons people choose to spend their final days elsewhere, though, not least because they don’t want their partners and children to have to live in the house where they died. I wonder if that’s been on Lou’s mind, but I can’t ask her, because even after the conversations we’ve been forced to have, I still can’t bear to talk about her death as if it’s just around the corner. Even though we both know it is.
For now I’m just relieved she didn’t make the choice to stay with them until the end, and not just because I was worried that she wouldn’t be safe there. Our house without her didn’t feel like our home and the truth is it wasn’t, because it’s Lou that makes somewhere home for me. I’m trying not to think too much about what that might mean for the future, so that I don’t spend the rest of the time we have together focusing on that.
She’s been different since she came home, in a good way. She’s trying to find ways of doing things with Flo and Stan that might not look like they used to, but which still involve her as much as possible. She hasn’t felt able to go swimming with them for weeks and, because she couldn’t go in, she didn’t want to go at all. It was like she was punishing herself for not being the person she was before, but Lou has always been an all-or-nothing kind of person when it comes to parenting. When we talked about having children, she said she only wanted them if she could be around for them all the time, she didn’t want to have to juggle a career with motherhood, and rely on other people to take her place when she couldn’t make it back in time to pick them up, or take care of them when they were sick. It’s not that Lou would judge anyone else for choosing that kind of juggling act, and we know we’re lucky to even have the option, it’s just that her own childhood meant that was a non-negotiable for her.
So I shouldn’t have been surprised that she couldn’t bear to do half a job since becoming so poorly, and that she was starting to withdraw and let more and more of it fall to me and Holly. Except now she’s back from her parents’ flat she seems transformed, as back to her old self as her physical limitations allow her to be.
It’s been a huge relief, because I’d been convinced we’d have to continue walking on eggshells when she came home, and I wasn’t the only one who was nervous about her return. When Lou texted to say she was coming back, I called Holly and asked if she’d be able to take the children out to give Lou and me the chance to talk.
‘You can pick the children up from me later if that’s easier.’ Holly had looked almost furtive as she closed the door of the car after strapping the children in, as though she was looking over her shoulder for Lou to arrive, and didn’t want to be caught standing on the driveway when she did. After what I’d told Holly I’m not surprised she felt that way. I should have kept my big mouth shut and if I could have taken back the words as soon as I said them, I would have. Hurting Holly didn’t achieve anything, and a problem shared wasn’t a problem halved. It just made us both unhappy.
‘No, I think you should bring them here. Lou will want to see you.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Because she told me she wants to go home to her family, and you’re as big a part of that as me or the kids.’
‘No, I’m not. I know you probably both feel sorry for me, and I’ve loved sharing in your family, but it’s time I gave you some space. Lou needs to be able to focus on the three of you; she hasn’t got forever any more. I’ve just latched on to her family because I didn’t have one of my own, and I can’t keep doing that.’
‘You didn’t latch on to Lou’s family, you are our family. She told me on our first date that the two of you came as a package deal. You were engaged to Jacob then and planning a family of your own, so she didn’t say it because she felt sorry for you, she said it because she loves you and not seeing you all the time would have made her sad. If you’d stayed with Jacob and had children of your own, then all of us would have been just as entwined as we are now. So when she says she’s coming home to her family, I know she means you too.’
‘Talk to her about what she wants. What she really wants, and whatever that is, it’s okay with me.’ Holly had got into the car then and driven the children to a trampoline park. I knew Lou would probably be desperate to see Stan and Flo, but there were things we needed to discuss that couldn’t be said in front of the children.
‘I’m sorry.’ They were the first words Lou said after Kate dropped her off. ‘I just started to feel like a spare part in my own life and that no one would even miss me if I was gone.’
‘Oh darling, you know that’s not true. I miss you already.’ I’d rehearsed what I was going to say when she came back and that wasn’t it. I definitely wasn’t supposed to make any of it about me, but then I’d never expected her to say what she did either.
‘I miss you too. I miss everything about my life before the diagnosis and it feels like I’ve been letting the time I’ve got left just slip away. I need to hold on to whatever bits I’m able to, while I still can, and find a way for the old me to come out, even if that looks different, but I’m going to need your help.’
‘I’ll do anything, you know that.’
‘I want to plan a big party, another thing the kids might remember when I’m gone, and I want to celebrate what an amazing life I’ve had. I’ve been so scared that the kids will forget me, even with all the memories we’ve tried to make lately. This will be an opportunity for them to have photographs and videos of me, with all the people who were an important part of my life, so they’ll understand who I was. A party will give me a chance to say goodbye to everyone too.’ She’d held my gaze then, and I’d been so tempted to deny we needed to plan anything like that, but if Lou is going to make the most of the time she’s got left, I needed to be honest.
‘Okay, and what about Holly?’
‘I don’t need to say goodbye to her at a party, because I’m going to want her around right to the end. I came into the world with her by my side, and I want her to be by my side when I leave it.’
‘Lou, please, I can’t—’ I came so close in that moment to saying that I couldn’t bear to live without her, but I know I’ve got to, for the children and because she would have made damn sure she was there for them if things were the other way around. So I nodded, and as soon as I could I rang Holly to tell her what Lou had said. Within half an hour of my call she was back with the children. Stan and Flo had thrown themselves into Lou’s arms, as if they hadn’t seen her in weeks, and she’d hugged them tightly to her chest. When she’d asked what they wanted for dinner, and they’d said they wanted her to make pizzas, the way she always used to, she hadn’t got upset that she didn’t have the strength any more. Instead, she’d shown them the menu from a local pizza restaurant on her phone, and got them all fired and excited about ordering one that looked almost as big as the kitchen island. She was doing exactly what she’d said she would, making the best she could of a situation that had no chance of a happy ending.
It wasn’t until later, after I’d helped Lou up the stairs to put the children to bed, and she’d been resting in our room, that she and Holly really had a chance to talk. I was sitting on a chair by the window and Lou was lying down, close to the point of exhaustion.
‘I’ve put the plates in the dishwasher, hope that’s okay.’ Holly was so desperate not to make Lou feel like she was taking over that even the simplest of things clearly felt as though they might be off limits. ‘I’ll head off now and give you some peace.’
‘No.’ Lou patted the space beside her on the bed. ‘Come and lie next to me for a minute, please.’
Holly climbed on the bed, lying down next to her sister as instructed, and Lou reached out and took her hand.
‘Do you ever wonder if we used to lie side by side like this before we were born?’ Lou turned her head to look at Holly, who nodded in response.
‘I think we did.’
‘Me too. I’m so sorry I pushed you away. I don’t know why I did it, maybe some twisted way of trying to protect myself from losing the people I love, and controlling the situation by pushing you out of my life before cancer pushes me out of yours. I don’t know, but whatever it is I’m sorry, and I want you here, right to the end.’
I saw all the same emotions cross Holly’s face that I’d felt when Lou had forced me to face her death head on, but it was almost as if she and I had discussed it and agreed it’s time to stop denying that Lou is going to die. She needs us to accept it, so that we can make the most of whatever time she has left.
‘I love you so much and I promise I’ll be here whenever you want me to be, but if there’s ever a time when you don’t, I’ll understand that too.’
Lou nodded in response. There were tears in all of our eyes, but a look of peace had lifted the pinched expression she’d been wearing since we’d been given the diagnosis. I don’t know if it was acceptance, but whatever it was it seemed to help.
I still don’t know what I’d do without Holly. Knowing that she’s taking care of Lou and the kids allows me to get on with other stuff. I’m on an indefinite sabbatical from work, but I’ve picked up a few freelance bits of writing to help cover some of the bills, and right now the plan is to get on with a bit of work before everyone comes home.
When I go to the laptop, there are ten tabs open across the top of it. I close down Lou’s internet searches without looking at them. Last time I looked, and realised she’d been searching for wicker coffins, it physically winded me, but if making plans and lists of what she wants is helping her to cope, then that can only be a good thing. When I switch to Word there are files open too, and I don’t want to close them without saving them, in case it’s something she needs. The first one is a list of things she wants to have at the party; it already has a file name, so I just make sure I’ve saved the latest version, then I turn to the second file and start to read.
My darling Flo
You’ve got no idea how much I wish I was there with you today. Of course, you might not have wanted me in the delivery room with you, but trust me when I say I would have been pacing up and down the corridor waiting for news, no matter how long it took!
I know you are going to be a wonderful mother. You were so gentle and helpful when Stan came along, and you never once got jealous of your little brother. I hope the two of you are as close as you were when you were little, but if anything has come between you, now is the perfect time to build bridges. There’s nothing as important as family, as you’re about to find out.
There will be times that are tough, when you think you can’t keep going, and you’ll wonder every day if you’re doing a good enough job at being a mother. Guilt and fear come with the territory, but it’s the best job imaginable and one I’m so grateful I had the chance to do, especially as fate gave me the most wonderful children in the world. I wasn’t able to be your mum for nearly as long as I wanted to be, but I wouldn’t have swapped a handful of years with you and Stan for a whole lifetime with anyone else.
Try not to worry about all the little things because, although it might be cliché, whoever said all children really need is love, had it spot on. I hope you can still feel the love I have for you, but if that’s dimmed by the passing of so many years, I want you to remember just how fierce that love was. You and Stan brought me so much joy, and leaving you behind was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Soak in every moment of this new life you’re starting my beautiful girl, forgive yourself for any mistakes you might make, and remember that all parents make them.
I would have given anything to be around long enough to share this with you, but even though I can’t physically be there when you hold your baby in your arms, know that I’m there somewhere too, even if it’s just in the stories Dad and Auntie Holly can tell you about how much I loved being your mum. I know they’ll support you every step of the way, and I hope you’ve got a great partner too. But, whatever the situation, you’ll rise to the occasion and there’s nothing you can’t do, my brilliant, brilliant girl.
All my love, Mum xxxx
I can barely breathe by the time I finish reading and now I know why I often wake up and discover her tapping away on the keyboard. I had no idea this is what she was doing, and I feel like I’ve betrayed her and stolen a moment from Flo by reading such an intimate exchange. It means I’m not even tempted to go searching for more letters. These are Lou’s legacy and her gift to the children after she’s gone. I’ve always known she was amazing, and so much stronger than me, but I’ve never admired her more than I do right now. I’m going to do whatever it takes to help her fulfil the rest of her plans, no matter how ambitious they might be, and I know Holly will too.