Chapter 27
27
LOUISA
I haven’t told my family yet, but I won’t be coming home from St Joseph’s after the party. I’ve told Mira and she’s made the arrangements. The room I’m getting ready in for the vow renewal, is the room where I’ll spend most of the rest of my life and it’s beautiful. There are French windows with a view out to a water fountain in the garden, and even this late in the morning there are still birds singing in the trees. I really thought I’d want to stay at home, but I feel at peace with the decision I’ve made, the ultimate contingency for the woman who has always needed a back-up plan to feel safe. I thought a lot about what Mira and Judy said on the day they visited, when they first raised the idea of me coming here, and I think it’s the right decision for the children too. If I’m at home at the end, they’ll always associate our house – their safe haven – with the place where their mummy died.
I don’t know what the end is going to look like and being at the hospice means Tom can decide when the time is right for the children to say goodbye. I don’t want them seeing me in my final days, if I can’t talk to them, or hold them, and reassure them that it’s going to be okay. It might sound like a ridiculous thing to say, but I know now that it’s true. They will be okay, more than okay, because they’ve got Tom, Holly and a whole other army of people who care for them, right down to the staff at the school who’ve been so kind and supportive.
They’re going to miss me, I don’t doubt that any more, and it’s going to hurt, not just in the immediate aftermath, but at different and sometimes unexpected moments throughout their lives. It will hurt because they know how good it feels to be loved, and to love in return, and there will be a gap where that love should be exchanged between me and my children. But the fact they know how much love matters is what makes them lucky, despite losing their mother at such a young age. Not everyone gets that, but there’ll be no shortage of love for my children.
I chose the best man I’ve ever known to be my children’s father, and fate gave them the most wonderful auntie they could have asked for too. So they’re not just going to be okay, they’re going to be so much more than that, and the thought of letting go hurts a tiny bit less with that knowledge.
‘Are you ready?’ Holly smiles as she comes into the room, the sight of her and the children making me gasp as another wave of love for them washes over me. Holly and Flo are in ruby red bridesmaid’s dresses, and Stan has a little waistcoat to match, but it’s covered in holly leaves too, which match the emerald green of my own dress. It had always been the plan to wear my original wedding dress, but despite not being able to zip it up since before I got pregnant with Flo, it now hangs off me like it was made for another woman altogether, and it was. That woman, the one I was before my diagnosis, has already gone.
‘Yes, I’m ready.’ I look over to Mum and she’s clutching Dad’s hand like her life depends upon it. There’s no sign of either of them having had a drink; Dad’s hands are shaky and I don’t know how long he’ll last before he caves in, but I’m still glad they’re here and trying their best.
Jonathan and Billie will be at the ceremony with their children, although Jonathan has now been edged out of the best man role by Stan. He told Tom that Billie has cancelled their holiday away without the children, in favour of a trip to Disney and a weekend in Center Parcs, because she’s realised how precious the time with them is. I still can’t imagine Billie queuing to meet Mickey, or with her perfectly styled hair plastered to the side of her head as she hurtles down the rapids with her children, but the idea makes me smile for all the right reasons and I hope they make memories that will stay with them forever. I never needed a wakeup call to realise how important the chance to do that is, and I’m so glad we snatched every opportunity we got. I’m not thinking about today as being the last time I’ll get to do that, it’s just one more chance to make memories that will last forever, no matter how long or short that might be.
I’ve cried so much since my diagnosis, mostly the bitter, heart-rending, headache-inducing kind of tears that come with the knowledge you are losing something you desperately want to keep. The tears I have cried today have been very different. There have been moments of sadness, but what I’ve felt more than anything today is love. Everyone involved has put so much effort into the event. There are six Christmas trees all decorated in our red, green and gold theme in the room that St Joseph’s have let us use for the party. Another big Christmas tree had been put in the chapel, and I spotted it as my father pushed my wheelchair down the aisle to meet Tom, while I gripped my mother’s hand. There’s an archway of balloons that leads into the reception room, and the centrepieces have been made to look like birthday cakes. Holly even had two gold brooches made, saying forty-three, which she pinned on to us after the vow renewal. It’s definitely a step up from the sashes and deely-boppers I’d envisaged.
I loved every word Tom said in the vows he wrote for me, but one part in particular seemed to sum it all up.
‘I don’t think I ever really knew what love was until I met you, but that’s because I was trying to define something that is never just one thing. It’s about sharing the best times and the hardest and knowing that whatever the situation there’s nowhere else you’d rather be, and no one else you’d rather share that moment with. It’s as messy and ugly, as it is perfect and beautiful, but there is no one else I would have wanted to share my life with, and no place I’ve ever preferred to be than right by your side. We’ve made an amazing family and the love I had for you ten years ago has grown so much bigger. Whatever happens, it will continue to grow, through Flo and Stan, and that’s the vow that I make you, because nothing can take away what we’ve built, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. So I’ve had something made to mark the occasion.’
There wasn’t a dry eye in the house even before he slipped the ring on to my finger that was set with the diamond from my grandmother’s remaining earring, which I’d kept in a drawer for more than a decade and it meant so much that he’d done that. Then it was my turn.
‘I know you’re all expecting this to be about me making a vow to Tom, and celebrating the last ten years, and I’ll get to that I promise, but today is also mine and Holly’s birthday, and a kind of Christmas in September. Birthdays and Christmas are times when you share heartfelt words with people too and so there are some other things that I want to say, but I’ll start with Tom.’
I turned to look directly at him, taking his hand, as he sat in a chair facing my wheelchair, a world away from how we exchanged our vows all those years before. ‘Tom, I want to thank you for loving me from the first moment, right through to the last. For giving me the life I dreamt of ever since I can remember, and the best children in the world. I want to thank you for never asking anything of me, except to love you and our children, which was always so easy. It’s been a blast, and I feel so lucky to have shared it all with you. I love you now more than ever, but there’s one special vow I need to make to you today and it’s this. If you ever think about trying to replace me, you’ll never do better.’ I paused then and a roar of laughter filled the room. ‘But I want you to know that if she makes you even half as happy as you’ve made me, then she has my blessing.’
As I glanced towards Stan and Flo, after Tom and I had kissed, relief flooded my body that they were smiling. I’d been worried that saying this in front of them might upset them, but I’d thought long and hard about making it sound like a general what-if, rather than something that’s very likely to happen one day. I’d also prepared Holly so she could reassure them if it made them worry more than they already were, but thankfully they seemed to be taking it in their stride.
‘Now for my parents.’ Tom stood up and turned my wheelchair, so that I was facing out towards where they sat, in the front row. They were probably nervous about what I was going to say, but they didn’t need to be. This wasn’t a time for recriminations, it was a time to make peace. ‘We’ve been through some tough times, but I’ve always known that you love me. I want you to know that all of the bad times are forgiven, and all I ask in return is that you find a way to love yourselves as much as I love you.’
I wasn’t sure at that point if I could carry on. I was already crying, but there was still so much I needed to say and I knew this might be my only chance. I could have said these things to the people I loved most in private, but I needed it to be imprinted on the memories of everyone sharing the day. That way, in years to come, when they talk about it with people who were there, they’ll know how much I loved them and all the hopes I had for their future. They won’t have to wonder if they’ve remembered what I said correctly, or what it felt like to be in that room, because everyone there will have experienced it and they’ll be able to help the children fill in any gaps that might develop over time too.
‘Holly, my other half. My partner in crime, confidante and lifelong best friend. You’re the person who makes me laugh until I cry, knows my deepest secrets and has seen me at my worst, but has never once made me feel any less than loved. You’re my rock and the person I trust most in the world, and I know that if I leave things in your hands, I’ll be leaving them in the best possible place, but I want you to grab all that life has to offer. Do it for us and don’t play it safe, because you deserve the world and I want you to experience it all. I love you in a way that only two people who met before they were even born can ever really love each other and I’m so incredibly grateful that you are my sister, and the best auntie ever.’
I’d almost got through it, but when Holly came up with Stan and Flo, it felt as if I was choking on the tears. I still had the hardest part to say, a public goodbye to my children that the videographer would record for them to watch back in the future, and I couldn’t let them down.
‘Don’t worry everyone, I’m almost done. This isn’t an Oscar speech, and I’m not going to list everyone from the postman to my hairdresser, I promise. Luckily, this comes ready done these days anyway.’ I pointed to my wig and laughter spread around the room for a second time. I’m sure the guests were grateful that I’d lightened the mood, but it was more for me than them. It was the only way I could get through the last part. ‘I want to thank all of you for coming today and for the role you’ve played in my wonderful life, because it really has been the best. But my final words are for my amazing children. Stan and Flo, you have been my everything in a way I never fully understood until recent months. Getting to be your mummy has been the best thing I’ve ever done and I’m so incredibly proud of how kind and thoughtful and loving you are. When I became your mummy, I got to be everything I ever wanted to be and I hope, when you grow up, that you remember you can be whatever you want to be too. It doesn’t matter what that is, as long as you love and are loved in return, because that’s all that really counts in the end.’
I don’t know if they really understood, but when I held them both in turn, they clung on tight, and I think deep down they can sense that the end is approaching. We told them what we felt they could cope with, when I was first diagnosed, enough so the ending won’t be a total shock, but not so much that they were unable to enjoy the time we had left. Things are changing quickly now and, once the party is over, we’re going to have to tell them the truth. But for today there are still magical moments to be had, untainted for them by the knowledge that our time together has almost run out. And as I look at them now, charging towards me, I’m so grateful that I made it to this day and got to share all of this with them.
‘You’re the prettiest mummy here!’ Flo presses her face against mine, her cheeks flushed from being chased around the room by her brother, as the DJ works his way through all my favourite songs.
‘And you’re the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.’
‘Can I have this dance?’ Tom suddenly appears beside our daughter, and gestures towards where Holly is now resting Stan on her hip, and spinning them both around in circles.
‘Which one of us are you asking?’ I look up at Tom and he smiles.
‘Both of my girls.’ Hoisting Flo on to my lap, he leans down so that he can hold my hands and gently pull us around in something that could pass for a slow dance shuffle. My parents join us on the dance floor, and Stan squeals with delight as his auntie dips her hip and tips him down towards the floor and back up again. I want to hold on to this perfect moment and never let go, but that’s the thing about perfect moments, it’s the knowledge that they will pass that makes them so beautiful, and all any of us can do is enjoy them while they last, and never, ever take them for granted.