Chapter 34
HOLLY
It’s been four months since Lou died and we’ve somehow survived a series of firsts without her.
The tenth wedding anniversary that should have been such a celebration, and a family Christmas filled with love and tears in almost equal measure.
It’s January now and I promised myself this will be the year I fulfil my final promise to Lou.
Tom has gone back to work part-time, and we’re managing the children between us, with support from some of Lou’s most trusted friends.
There’s someone new in Tom and the children’s lives already, a beautiful little Jack Russell called Molly, who we all adore.
Even Tigs is learning to tolerate her.
My working life has changed significantly and I’m going back to university to study part time, on a campus twenty minutes’ drive from Castlebourne.
My old firm were making some redundancies after a change of direction.
I shouldn’t have been one of them, but I put my name forward and, I think because of what I’d told them about needing to be there for Flo and Stan, they agreed.
I got a healthy payout after almost twenty years of unbroken service, apart from extended sick leave during my treatment for breast cancer, and it was more than enough to pay off the last of my mortgage.
The rest will see me through until I finish my studies.
I’m finally following my heart and retraining as an art therapist, so that I can turn my passion into a career, and I think Lou would have approved.
The charity work I’ve done since my own brush with cancer has always been important to me, but it’s taken on a whole new dimension since losing Lou.
I only need to be in university two days a week and I wanted to do something to honour my sister, something that would make a much bigger difference than helping out at fundraisers, or monitoring online cancer support forums.
All of those things are great, but they weren’t quite enough to be a legacy for Lou, and that’s the other half of my Plan A, just like Lou was the other half of me.
She’d probably pull a face at that, me putting her right at the centre of my plans, but we were always indivisible and her death hasn’t changed that.
I’ve thought of little else in any windows of spare time I’ve had over the last four months, and I suppose I might be accused of burying myself in this project, but I know that’s not true.
I spend so much time with the people I love most, and I’ve made sure to reciprocate when friends have reached out, because every time I’m in danger of getting tunnel vision about this, it’s almost as if I can hear my sister telling me not to let the project swallow me up.
All of the research I’ve done to try and find a way of helping people like Lou kept coming back to one thing: when she was diagnosed, she felt lost.
She had no one to talk to about her greatest fears except strangers on an anonymous forum.
There was nowhere she could be honest about the terror of a faceless woman – some other mother – one day raising her children.
It sent her into a kind of madness at first, and it got me thinking that creating a real place to go, where those kinds of conversations aren’t taboo, would be the best possible legacy I could create for my sister.
I read all about Maggie’s centres, which provide a place where cancer patients and others affected by the disease can go for support, as well as information and advice.
The trouble is, there’s nothing even vaguely similar within sixty miles of our home, and a journey like that would have been too much for Lou quite quickly after her diagnosis.
So I came up with the idea of fundraising to create something similar, on a much smaller scale, and closer to home, specifically for those affected by an incurable diagnosis.
I’ve approached some of my current and existing clients about funding, selling them the angle that their donations can be written off against tax, and I think I’ve got enough to get the project off the ground.
The next thing I need to do is to locate a venue, where we could site a cabin initially, to house a drop-in centre, or even just a space for people to meet and chat.
Lou’s Lodge, that’s the idea I’ve got in my head, but I’m a long way from pinning down the specifics of it yet.
The grounds of St Joseph’s are stunning, and there’d certainly be room to accommodate a lodge, but when the idea first popped into my head I had no idea if they’d turn me down flat.
I spoke to some of the staff who helped set up a meeting with the CEO, Alison Jefferies, and the new operational director, who hadn’t even been appointed to the role when the meeting was arranged, but today’s the day I get to meet them both and finally put forward my pitch.
Pulling into the car park of St Joseph’s brings back so many memories.
The trees are bare now and it looks so different from when Lou was here, yet as I get out of the car and see a sign for the chapel, I almost expect to see her.
Taking a deep breath, I head through the doors into reception.
The man behind the counter smiles and asks how he can help me.
I’m almost tempted to enquire whether he’s got any idea how I can stop my legs from shaking, as my nerves about being here start to kick in.
You’ve got to have a lot of confidence to turn up somewhere like this and make the kind of request I’m about to make, but Lou was always the more assured of the two of us.
I just need to think about how she’d have handled it and I’ll be okay.
I know what she’d have done, she’d already have been thinking through a Plan B, in case the pitch got turned down, and just knowing she had one would have made her more confident.
I’ll start thinking about that while I’m waiting, in the hope that it can help me calm my nerves too.
I smile at the receptionist and announce why I’m here.
‘Hi, I’m Holly Champion.
I’ve got a meeting with Alison Jefferies and the new operational director.’
‘Ah yes.’ The receptionist looks at his computer.
‘Dan said to give him a call when you were here.’
‘Thank you.’ I busy myself with reading some of the posters on the noticeboard in the reception area, too nervous to sit down, while I wait to be collected.
‘Good to see you again, Holly.’ Even before I look up, I recognise the voice.
This isn’t any Dan, it’s Dan Kingston, the last person I went on a date with.
Well, I call it a date, I’m not quite sure if that’s what it was.
I know it was supposed to be.
I’d liked him right from the start, but we never made it to dinner or drinks, because it was the day that Tom turned up outside the cinema, desperate to talk to me, when Lou’s cancer had started to escalate at a pace that had knocked us all off our feet.
Colour floods my cheeks at the way I treated Dan, just disappearing with a man he knew nothing about and barely apologising for the fact that I’d bailed on our date.
He was very understanding at the time, but I didn’t keep the promise I made to get in touch again when I was ready, because Lou’s illness consumed us all.
If he holds that against me, any chance I might have had of trying to persuade St Joseph’s to site Lou’s Lodge in their grounds might be gone, but at least my nerves have evaporated, All I can do is try my best, and I know that would have been enough for my sister.
‘I think that was really positive.’ Dan smiles as we walk out together to the car park and all I can do is murmur my agreement, as I try not to notice how nice his aftershave is.
I pitched the idea flawlessly because I had nothing to lose, having convinced myself that it was already a lost cause.
When Alison asked me why the project was so important to me and said she’d heard a little bit about Lou, I filled her in on the rest.
I even found myself telling her that I’d left Dan high and dry, heat colouring my cheeks all over again as I gave him a belated apology for not getting back in touch again once things had calmed down, like I’d promised to.
He’d said it was nothing and that there was no need to apologise, which should have been a relief to hear, but I found myself feeling disappointed that it hadn’t mattered to him at all that he didn’t hear from me again and that he’d clearly meant every word when he’d said it was nothing.
‘You and Alison were very kind; you made it easy for me.
Thank you.’ I return Dan’s smile, and he tilts his head slightly as he looks at me.
‘I wish you’d told me about how bad things were with Lou at the time.
The volunteer coordinator mentioned it a couple of days later, when she told us you wouldn’t be able to return for the foreseeable future.
I picked up the phone to call you or text you God knows how many times, but I had no idea if you’d want to hear from me and the last thing I wanted to do was to intrude when you were going through so much.
I was preparing for this job and tying things up at the old one.
I should have texted to tell you how sorry I was to hear about Lou, but I put my own worries about whether you’d want to hear from me above doing the right thing and I really am sorry.’ Dan has the most open face I think I’ve ever seen, and the kindest eyes too.
And suddenly I feel it again, that force urging me forward, like a hand in the small of my back.
‘I’m the one who should be sorry.
I didn’t explain things properly at the time.’ I clench the muscles in my jaw for a moment, wrestling with whether to clamp my mouth shut, or let go of the words that seem to be bubbling up inside me.
But I know what it is Lou would have wanted me to do.
‘If it’s not too late and it doesn’t muddy the waters too much with you and Alison considering my proposal for the lodge, maybe I could make it up to you? Dinner, as my treat?’
I’ve never in my life been this bold, and the second or two of silence before he responds seems to stretch on for days.
‘I’d absolutely love that.’ Dan smiles that lovely warm smile of his again and I remember how to breathe.
‘I’ll speak to Alison and if she thinks there’s any potential conflict of interest, I’m sure we can get the Director of Finance involved instead of me, before it’s taken to the board.
I don’t think she’ll have any issues with it, but I’ve only been here a couple of weeks, and I can’t say for sure.
Either way, dinner sounds great.’
‘If there’s a particular restaurant you fancy, just let me know.
From what Alison said, I know you’ve got a lot of evening fundraisers coming up, so I could always cook Sunday lunch at mine, if that’s easier?’
‘I really don’t mind, either Plan A or B works for me.
It’s the company that matters.’
‘It really is.’ I can’t stop a slow smile from creeping across my face at Dan’s words, which he couldn’t have chosen more perfectly if he’d tried.
‘I’ll text you some dates when I get home and you can let me know which works best, as well as if there’s anything that you don’t eat.’
‘I can’t wait.’
‘Me neither, see you soon.’ Leaning forward, I kiss his cheek before getting into my car and driving away.
It’s far too early to say whether Dan will be a part of my future, but I know Lou would have approved that I’m open to the possibility.
It turns out fate can come up with Plan Bs of its own when you give it enough space.
I think, in the end, my sister must have realised that too and it was what allowed her to spend the time she had left cherishing every moment, instead of planning for a future she couldn’t control.
Everyone could learn a valuable lesson from that and I’m going to carry it with me whatever the future might bring.
Having a plan is all well and good, but being open to new possibilities brings a joy of its own and, for the first time in a long time, I’m excited to discover what lies ahead.