Chapter 3 #2
Diederick reaches my side quickly, and I forcefully open my palm for him to take the stone from me. It slips from my fingers, and the relief of its pulsing magic is snuffed out immediately. At the release, I let out a sigh and ease back onto my haunches.
The thrum dulls slightly as Diederick tucks it away into his pocket. Perhaps I will find some relief with it further away from me. Hopefully Ben isn’t mad at our decision. “We should tell Ben of this movement.”
“Do what you must,” I answer, trying my damndest to force out the memory that comes with the mention of his name.
Truthfulness with Ben is a hard balance.
Most days, he takes what I have to offer in stride and does what he can to make everything all right, but other days…
Other days, the truth of my needs leaves me shattered.
I swallow the emotions that bubble up, but the pain of it can’t stop me from falling back in time.
“I simply don’t understand! We cannot be together because of silly fears from your past. I would never leave you. You know that! Do not compare me to past trysts!”
Ben takes a step away from me like I’ve slapped him. “And if you die, Lillian. What then? What will I do without you?”
I can’t think of the unknown; I’ve been living it for half a decade. “I’ve been dead to the world for years.”
“Not to me,” he whispers back. I suddenly remember where I am and that if anyone heard any of this, we’d be questioned immediately.
Composing myself, I take a steadying breath and rise from the bed. “You are the only one who truly knows the extent of my existence. Please allow me to live beside you as we do in this world of make-believe, but in our real world back in England. It’s all I’ve wanted since Brazil.”
He seems to ponder it for a moment. His eyes slouch in utter melancholy, and he absentmindedly raises his hand toward me, reaching for me.
I’m quick to move for him, but realization takes over and he turns away.
Leaving me barefoot and in my nightgown, he escapes through our hotel room door, knowing I can’t follow.
My hands slip from the lid of the trunk as the memory disappears. His selfishness disguised as care left me broken that night; I’m still finding pieces.
“Where did you go just now, Frauline?”
“Nowhere important,” I answer with a whisper.
It had been a bad time to share my desires; he had been so focused on my safety that he forgot how to love me, how to love anyone.
Still, there were so many days in Germany that I had worried over the same things.
What if Ben were to get caught? What if they were to kill him?
I asked those questions, but it never once deterred me from wanting more with him.
Diederick reaches across the space to take my hand in his, but he’s interrupted by a fervent knock at the door. The two of us share a look of panic before we rush to pack away our artifacts and secret notes.
“It’s me!” I recognize the voice immediately and quickly step away from my frenzied packing.
Smoothing my skirt and pushing my growing hair behind my shoulder I wipe away the tears that have lingered and place a hand upon the doorknob.
I have to take three deep breaths to calm myself enough to pull the door wide open.
Ben’s searching eyes do a sweep over me before he invites himself past my arm and to the table where Diederick resides.
It might seem like he’s overlooked my heightened state of emotion, but when he clears his throat and his fingers tighten around the tabletop, I know he’s noticed.
Gaining myself a few extra seconds, I take a look up and down the hallway before closing the door.
“You shouldn’t have all this out in the open,” Ben states, as if Diederick and I don’t know the risks.
“Margaret only just left,” I begin, as I finally make my way back to the table. “I don’t expect she’ll be back until after dinner.”
“I and the trinkets will be long gone before then,” Diederick answers before straightening his bow tie. Ben shoots me a pointed look before glancing over at my open trunk.
Smoothing my skirt over my knees as I sit in the open chair, I set the record straight. “Diederick is going to be taking the necklace and journal to your room. Margaret is much too persistent for her own good. I don’t need her wrapped up in anything before she needs to be.”
Ben tongues his cheek, contemplating this change of plan. “And what of our radioman?” he questions, seemingly in agreement.
“Oliver?” Diederick asks with a laugh. “That kid doesn’t have a deceitful bone in his body; he’s up on B Deck in the library. I hardly believe we’ll see him before this evening either.”
This seems to relax Ben slightly. I place a hand on his arm, hoping to calm him further, but it seems to have the opposite effect.
He pulls away quickly and plants his hands on the back of the wicker chair at the table. “Okay, so what is it you two have found since risking our secrets?”
“We weren’t searching for anything; we only hoped to see if Lillian’s sight would return.” I want to send a searing stare in Diederick’s direction, but knowing Ben sees everything, I pry my gaze away to where my hand now rests where his arm was just a moment ago.
Wicker cracks under Ben’s grasp. “Tell me you didn’t try anything. Not while we’re on this ship.”
I draw my arm far from him and set clasped hands in my lap. “It’s alright, I wouldn't be foolish enough to say or try anything here.”
Diederick catches my eye, and we share a look of guilt. It wasn’t a total lie, but the conversation had come up between us.
Ben doesn’t miss a hint. When he sees our exchanged glance, he steps away. “Well, if the two of you have it under control, I suppose I will take my leave.”
It takes my whole body two seconds to understand that he’s leaving again.
Another second for that agonizing threat of separation to have me up and out of my chair.
“Ben, wait!” Quick on my feet, I chase him out into the hall.
Thankfully Diederick leaves us alone. “You can’t pull away from me now.
Please. We’ve been a…team for so long.” My voice breaks at the title.
“I couldn’t bear it if you distanced yourself.
I know you don’t like when Diederick dictates things, but he has so many answers; we need to trust him. ”
Ben glances over his shoulder to find the man, so I pull the door shut fully. I want him to focus on me; no more excuses. Annoyance paints his face, and his jaw clenches, but he remains silent.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, suddenly very worried about him.
Everything about him softens at the kindness in the question.
This time he’s the one to reach out. I wouldn’t dare pull away. “I just want you to be safe.”
I lose my breath at his confession. It’s the same truth he’s shared day after day, year after year, but I still feel loved when he says it.
Taking his hand in both of mine, I shake it firmly. “I am safe,” I promise him, though I don’t know if that has ever been true in the last 10 years.
“I’ll feel better when we get to Brazil.” The fact that he would feel safer in the wilds and supernatural unknown of the Amazon than on this ship unnerves me to no end.
“Talk to me,” I plead.
“I don’t know who we can trust here yet.” He glances up and down the hall twice before continuing, “I don’t feel secure here, being so far from you, with so many new faces.”
I nod. I’ve also felt the uneasy strain of our distance.
He, Diederick, and Oliver are two decks from the rest of us.
While I trust Margaret, Mr. Ward is only one level above us in a suite.
The charming man blinded me at first with his familiar accent and gentlemanly gestures, but now I see that he is bathed in dangerous secrets.
His behavior with Mr. Bennett this morning had shown me that.
Mr. Bennett had no interest in speaking to me.
Despite boarding together in a shared shroud of disguise, he took one glance at me and wrote me off immediately.
It became clear in that instant, that he and Mr. Ward were here for reasons that have not been honestly divulged.
Crossing my arms to ward off the darkness, I too take a glance down the hallway. “I will be sure to lock my door at night.”
Ben shakes his head. “That’s not good enough for me, sweetheart.” He takes a commanding step closer to me. I can’t help but raise my chin to meet him.
“Shall I stuff a chair beneath the door handle?” I hiss, combatting the delight of him worrying over me against his ridiculous need to be in control of me.
“It’s a start,” he mumbles before stepping back.
“I will take every precaution to safeguard Margaret and me when you cannot be near,” I huff, giving in to his commanding presence.
“There is no need to take any chances before we reach land.” It would all be easier if we were playing our pretend roles.
Better yet, if we were actually married, all this distance would be abolished, but I don’t mention that out of fear of falling back through time again.
“That–” His voice catches. “That would make me feel better.”
A cabin door three down opens and then shuts. A couple linked at the elbows falls out into the hallway. They are clearly very much too caught up in their laughter to notice us, but I dip my head anyway. Old habits die hard I suppose.
“Someday soon, I hope you’ll be able to stop hiding,” Ben whispers. I quickly raise my face to his again, but he’s already turned to go.
Watching him disappear down the hallway, I reach behind me and fish for the door before quietly slipping back inside.