Chapter 12 #2
Further immersing myself, I let my eyes drift close.
The moment they block out the light of the world around me, I find myself falling through air.
There is no sense of panic, for my feet are still solid on the deck.
No, I’m flying through the air as a 10-year-old girl swimming for the first time.
A girl leaping from a stone into the arms of my father, who waits in the water below. M?e watching nearby.
It was one of my favorite memories of my family.
Swimming where the rivers met at that age, I wasn’t aware of anything other than my parents' happiness.
It was the only time my father ever encouraged that wild spirit in me, and the only time I can remember him truly enjoying life in Brazil.
Yes, they visited often, but more and more, when I look back on it, neither of them seemed to enjoy it in a way a holiday should be enjoyed.
The memory fizzles out, and I find myself scrambling for the railing in front of me.
Reliving that moment with my parents has torn back a piece of my heart that has attempted to heal since my father’s betrayal.
It pains me to think of that night he made his intentions known.
Panicking at the emotions brought forth by the memory, I squeeze the rail in front of me with all my might, willing the happiness to find me again.
It doesn’t.
The river shows me something new. The life it provides.
That joy with my father that day morphs into something different, into the butterflies I felt the first time Ben offered me a smile, which changes into the time we shared at the waterfall, and then it all gives way to the memory of the mothers of M?e’s village who carried their young with them everywhere, even in their dances.
A forest so full of life and healing, and we were here to take from it.
“Desculpe,” I whisper into the night.
I’m sorry.
As I think more and more about what we’ve taken, the world around me transforms again, darker this time.
The night I lost my mother, the raising of the dead, the bloodshed, the death, the caves. It all reawakens stronger than this morning and doesn’t stop. That fearsome creature that tore men limb from limb bares its phantom teeth and snaps.
The dagger, it whispers with a laugh. I know there’s more it could add to my list if I let it.
Well, I won’t let it. Won’t let it warp my affection and care for the lovely parts of this land. As I expel it from my mind, a harsh hand grabs my upper arm and pulls hard. I’m completely stripped away from the sphere I’ve been lost in. It leaves me feeling raw and a little nauseous.
Wide, wild brown eyes meet mine. They quickly turn to shock at the realization of what has been done, and that hard grip releases me in a panic.
“I’m sorry.” Ben runs a hand through his hair, pinning his floppy bangs back on his head. “I was worried you were being dragged under by another vision again. I shouldn’t have touched you in such a way.”
“It’s alright, Ben.” I’m still a bit shaky as if pulling away from the vision went against my very existence. Glancing back at the forest, I find it to be all shadows now. “I was just admiring this part of the rainforest.”
He relaxes at the news and steps up to the railing next to me.
He tries to see what I see, but I’m sure all he can find are the shadows.
So many people hear of the Amazon and think it to be all danger, a wild place with dark waters and people with a lifestyle that would have them turning up their noses without a second thought.
I’d like to think I’ve shattered those prejudices when it comes to the people in our group, Ben most of all.
Despite the pride I feel in being an ambassador, there is still far too much to be done to make the rest of the world see it how I do.
Suddenly feeling heavy, I lean against the railing and sigh.
“When all of this is over, I should like us to teach people about this place that I love.”
I hadn’t meant to say it out loud. I’m mortified of what Ben might think; I’ve been terrified to speak of any future with him. The soft caress of his fingers meets the bare skin of my wrist, and for a second, I think maybe I didn’t say it out loud.
“Lillian, when it’s all over, we can do whatever you’d like. I will follow you anywhere.” He says it so simply, without any hesitation whatsoever. Why must he make everything so confusing?
I force myself to step away at his admission.
I want nothing more than to marry Ben, to make him my entire future.
I come close, so damn close to mentioning it, to making him promise me a future, but the shadows turn from welcoming to something far darker.
The nausea grows and a splitting pain cracks like lightning through my head.
The mountain. The mountain waits for you. Not long now.
I turn away as the fever hits and those awful teeth snap again. That phantom had more to show me, and he does not appreciate being kept waiting.
My vision flashes black, and then the Corpo Seco is underneath my hands. The dagger is buried to the hilt in his chest, never meant to be removed again, and yet my hands wrap around it and pull. The moment my hands attempt to lift, my body jolts and my knees give out.
Ben’s hands are instantly on me; my name escaping his lips is the only thing I can hear as he lowers me to the deck. My hearing returns slowly, but my sight, not so much. Visions of the mountain and what lies underneath keep screaming through my thoughts. It’s too much. I can barely think.
“I need… I need to talk to Diederick.” I manage to grit out.
“The necklace is glowing, Lillian.” Though I can feel it thrumming against my skin, the vivid images of the colony are too strong. I want to ask for help, but if I open my mouth again, I will surely empty my stomach. All I can do is strengthen my hold on Ben as he pulls me tighter against him.
I feel him respectfully tuck the necklace between the buttons of my blouse.
His fingers brush against my chest, and I sigh at the impropriety of it all.
There’s no time for me to linger on the way he’s made me blush because he’s already hoisted me to my feet.
Somehow, despite my fumbling, he is able to keep me upright with ease.
“Just hold on for a minute longer. I’ll get you to Diederick,” he whispers against the crown of my head as we stumble along.
“I just can’t help but think we should not be doing this.
” I pause to fan my face. The headache has come and gone, but the uncomfortable heat remains.
“The closer we get, the more questions I have about what’s waiting for us.
No one has any answers for me except for whatever it is that is in my head.
I don’t see how I can trust such a creature. ”
Diederick paces; he’s been pacing since the moment Ben and I arrived. Ben has not left the corner, his hand rests on his jaw, deep in thought.
“You say that on this body, this Corpo Seco, is where the dagger is waiting?”
“I think the dagger was a gift to him from his wife.” The woman I so often see in my visions. “I think he used it in a way that was not pleasing to the forest and to the tribe, and that’s what caused all the destruction. He was killed in the midst of it.”
He was a guest in their land, became their family, and yet he betrayed them still.
Diederick stops to stare at me as if all of this sounds impossible.
“Please don’t look at me like I’m crazy, Diederick.” I pull my knees up onto the bed to my chest. “I’ve had a decade to think about this.”