Chapter 26
26
They walked back with a little space between them, although Jade wasn’t sure who was creating it.
When they reached the cottage, he went ahead of her into the kitchen and leaned back on the worktop beside the kettle. ‘I think I’ll skip coffee; I could do without the caffeine.’
‘There’s half a bottle of wine in the fridge.’ Jade liberated it and when he nodded, she poured them both a glass. ‘Shall we drink these in the other room?’
They went through and sat where they usually sat: Jade on the sofa and Finn on the armchair opposite. Mickey, who’d come to greet them, got back in his basket and went back to sleep.
‘It’s very peaceful here,’ Finn said after a few moments’ silence. ‘Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t sleep when I first came here. I was so used to the noise of the traffic. My flat in Nottingham was close to a main road and there was always traffic. Even in the early hours of the morning.’
‘Yes, I found the same thing when I first came back from Bristol. Although to be honest I don’t think I’d have slept wherever I was. I felt too guilty about Mum. If I’d have taken over Arleston Court like she wanted me to, she wouldn’t have been so stressed. But I couldn’t do it. I loathed that place and Mum and I always had such a difficult relationship.’ She stared at her hands.
‘With hindsight, I wonder if I was just being selfish. Maybe she wouldn’t have had that final stroke if I’d done what she wanted me to do.’ Where had all that come from? She definitely shouldn’t have had that last glass of wine. She shifted uncomfortably, aware of Finn’s eyes on her.
‘You came back when she needed you. You gave up your dreams of being a vet.’ His eyes were soft. ‘I don’t call that selfish.’
‘That wasn’t the only reason I gave up being a vet. I realised I couldn’t do it anyway.’ She told him about the slaughterhouse, expecting him to make light of it – say it was a hard fact of life she needed to get used to – like her mother had said, and since then one or two other people had echoed.
But Finn didn’t make any trite remark. He just nodded and listened and so she went on.
‘It was too little, too late,’ she whispered, feeling the familiar ache of grief inside her and for once putting how she felt into words because it was easy to talk to Finn in the peace of this little room. ‘She might not have died if I’d have been a better daughter – if I’d done what she wanted.’
Now he leaned forward in his chair, chin on hands, his eyes serious. ‘Don’t torture yourself, Jade. Everything’s easy with the benefit of hindsight. You did what you thought was right at the time.’ He paused. ‘So why this place? Why an animal rescue?’
‘Because by then I’d realised that a vet is a silly place to work anyway if you really love animals.’ She gave him a bittersweet smile. ‘People used to bring them in and ask us to put them down. For all sorts of reasons. They were moving house, having babies, changing jobs. It used to break my heart.’ She sipped her wine and looked at him. ‘Am I being boring? ’
‘Not at all, I’m interested.’
So she carried on – telling him how the vets almost always became philosophical across the years. It was better for a dog to be humanely destroyed than dumped on a motorway.
‘I knew that they were right – well, the logical part of me did, but I wanted to do something concrete. When I was at the practice where I did day release, I felt so helpless about all those unwanted animals. I set up a mini-rescue scheme, but I used to dream about having a place like this. Then, when I lost Mum, well, I thought it was a good time. I had the money from the sale of the hotels. They were bought by a big chain, and I wanted to do something with it. Something all-consuming. Something that would help me get over her death.’
She glanced at him. ‘I got dumped by my boyfriend, too. He was a couple of years older than me – he was a vet at the practice in Bristol. We used to work together – but what I didn’t realise was that he didn’t restrict himself to one woman at a time. He had three of us on the go.’
‘Tosser,’ Finn said, and she glanced at him.
‘You don’t approve, then? Some men would.’
‘I’d say that one woman at a time was more than enough trouble.’ His eyes were warm. ‘It’s gone midnight, Jade.’
‘I know. I suppose we’d better go up. Although I can’t say I feel particularly tired.’ She took their glasses back out into the kitchen. When she came back, he was waiting for her at the foot of the stairs.
‘Would you like to come and count stars?’
For a moment, she just stared at him. ‘I’m not propositioning you, Jade. I’m serious. I bet you’ve never looked out of that skylight at night, have you?’
‘I don’t think I’ve looked out of it in the daytime, either.’
He started up the stairs and she followed him. On the landing by her bedroom door he glanced at her, the hint of a challenge on his face, and she amazed herself by going straight past her room and following him up the rickety staircase to his. He opened the door and gestured her ahead of him, but he didn’t put on the light, and she had to stand for a few seconds to let her eyes adjust.
His room smelled faintly of citrus and that indefinable scent of man that was so hard to put into words. Jade felt relaxed and also emboldened by the wine. She glanced at the outline of his face. She could scarcely breathe.
‘There’s a perfect view if you lie on the bed,’ he said, ‘but to prove my intentions are honourable, you can probably see just as well if you sit on the end of it.’
She giggled and sat down and he came and sat beside her, the bed dipping under his weight. Their legs were touching. It was impossible not to touch, sitting side by side on the end of his single bed. Did he feel like she did? If he did, he must have had amazing self-control. If he made the tiniest move towards her, she knew she’d have no defence. She so badly wanted him to make the first move.
He didn’t. Instead, he tilted his head back. ‘We should have more or less the same angle like this. Let’s see if we can beat twenty-three.’
They sat in silence and Jade began to count. At first, she could only see six, but then she realised he was right, there were a lot more. Much fainter, but just discernible. She still couldn’t get past sixteen, though. Disappointed, she told him, ‘I’m sure I could see more if I cleaned the skylight. It’s got bird droppings all over it.’
‘I can see twenty-seven,’ he said with obvious satisfaction. ‘Try looking harder.’
They sat a bit longer. It was odd how comfortable she felt sitting on Finn’s bed in the dark. She sneaked a glance at him. His head was still tilted back, his strong face in profile, but he had his eyes closed.
‘You’re asleep,’ she accused.
‘No, I’m not.’ He opened his eyes and gave her a sideways glance. ‘I was just thinking how peaceful it was.’ He held her gaze for a few seconds, his eyes soft in the half-light. She stared back at him. It was like being on the edge of a precipice. One more step and she’d be lost. The moment stretched out and she knew he was aware of it too.
‘Still not tired?’ he murmured.
‘No, but we’ve got to get up early in the morning.’ She felt so short of breath she could hardly speak. Dragging her gaze away from his, she said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m keeping you up.’
‘I’d be happy if you kept me up all night, Jade.’ He touched her face with his fingers, the most fleeting, the most gentle of touches. ‘But we’d probably regret that tomorrow.’
‘Yes.’ She ached for him to touch her again, but she made herself stand up, wondering exactly what they might regret. Then he stood up too, slightly taller than her. They were still facing each other, but they weren’t as close as they’d been on the bed. It was easier to get things in perspective standing up. Easier to control her breathing and the frantic thumping of her heart.
‘Night, Finn.’ She forced herself to move across the room. When she reached the door, she looked back at him. He was still standing beneath the skylight, his face in shadow so it was impossible to tell what he was thinking.
‘Night, Jade. Sweet dreams.’
It was only as she closed her own bedroom door that she realised how much tension was tightening her muscles. Tension because she’d ached for him to touch her, or because she was terrified he would? It was impossible to tell; she felt so weak and giddy. She undressed and got into bed, shivering slightly as the duvet touched her over-sensitised skin.
‘Get a grip, Jade,’ she told herself. But when she closed her eyes, all she could see was his face. And she knew she’d been kidding herself thinking that it didn’t matter that a huge lie stood between them. She wanted nothing between them. She wanted him totally and utterly and she thought of Sarah’s words: ‘I want you to be as happy as I am, Jade.’ And she thought how ironic it was that the one man she knew she could be happy with was as out of her reach as the stars.