Chapter 33
33
‘Are you too tired to walk back?’ Finn asked when they finally rolled out of the door at half eleven. ‘I could get an Uber.’
‘No, let’s walk. I’m just getting my second wind. What’s the nightlife like here?’
‘You never stop surprising me.’ He shook his head. ‘I haven’t a clue. But if you’re not tired, I could give you the grand tour. Dad brought me here quite a bit when I was a kid. It was the closest beach.’
‘Then lead on, McTaggart.’
They went past a theme park and he pointed out the big wheel and the roller coaster, which were shadowed and silent, like great, hulking monsters, asleep until daylight.
‘We used to come for the day quite often,’ Finn said. ‘And a day was a whole day. No messing about. We’d catch the train, get here about eight and then walk around shivering in our shorts and tee-shirts until the sun warmed us up. Dad always insisted we wore our shorts because we were at the beach and it was bound to be sunny.’
‘I thought Skegness had a reputation for bracing winds. ’
‘It does, but whatever the weather we had a strict routine. Breakfast in a beach café, slot machines until lunchtime and then the theme park. That was always Dad’s favourite.’
‘He liked going on rides?’
‘Oh, he didn’t go on anything. He liked watching me clinging on for dear life. He used to stand on the ground slapping his leg and roaring with laughter every time my carriage came past. I bet he didn’t strike you as sadistic, did he? I was terrified most of the time.’
‘You weren’t, were you? I can’t imagine you being terrified of anything.’
‘You’d be surprised.’ His face darkened and then he grinned. ‘I’m winding you up, Jade. It was a good sort of terror. The sort that gets your heart thumping, even though you know you’re quite safe, really.’
She nodded, aware that her own heart was thumping a bit. She couldn’t decide whether it was his proximity, or simply because they were in an unfamiliar town at night.
They went past a closed-up ice cream kiosk with red and white striped shutters, a shop that sold buckets and spades and inflatable animals in garish colours, and then finally he led her along a dark street that went past a golf course.
‘Where are we going?’
‘Wait and see.’
At the end of the street, the tarmac gave way to a track and then to sand and there was a new, salt freshness in the air. Finn gestured her down some steps ahead of him and she realised they were on the beach. The tide was out, leaving a great expanse of sand stretching towards the dark sea. A moon path lay across the water, a strip of silver glitter on a piece of black paper. Like a child’s drawing, Jade thought, reminded of Ben and his pictures, as she followed Finn towards the hard sand at the water’s edge .
She was amazed how easy she felt in his company. Or maybe it was the alcohol relaxing her. They’d followed up their pizzas with espressos and Amaretto on ice, which Finn said was the only way to finish a meal, but rather to Jade’s surprise, she didn’t feel tired or particularly drunk. She just felt warm and happy.
‘Your turn,’ Finn said as they listened to the soft swish of the waves. ‘Tell me about your childhood.’
‘It was great. I had a pony and a dog and a cat. I was really lucky.’
‘No brothers or sisters?’
‘No. Mum was a businesswoman. She didn’t really want any children. Neither did my dad. I was a mistake. She told me once that’s why he left.’
‘I’m sure that wasn’t true,’ Finn murmured, his eyes narrowing. ‘Parents say a lot of stupid things.’
‘Mum didn’t have time for children anyway. She was too busy building up her business empire.’
‘And your dad didn’t stay in touch with you?’
‘No.’ She glanced at his face. ‘The same thing happened to you, didn’t it? Only it was your mum.’
‘We’re talking about you, not me.’ His voice was light, but his eyes darkened. If she wasn’t mistaken, Finn was still hurting over that. So he wasn’t as indifferent as he liked people to think.
‘So, come on, what else?’ he went on.
‘I spent most of my time living a life of luxury,’ she said flippantly. ‘I was utterly spoilt.’
She gazed into the frill of the tide, remembering, and Finn reached for her hand and said, ‘Then why do you look so sad? What are you thinking?’ And she wished for the hundredth time that he couldn’t read her so easily.
‘I’m not sad,’ she said, leaving her hand where it was, but not looking at him. ‘This is a lovely beach, isn’t it? Did you have animals when you were little?’
‘We had the odd dog, but not till I was older. Dad worked long hours at the pit and I was at school and he didn’t think it was fair to leave a dog on its own all day.’
‘I spent more time with animals than with people,’ Jade said dreamily. ‘It was easier for us because we lived in the country. Right out in the sticks with no other houses within walking distance. I suppose Mum thought it would give me something to do. She wasn’t around very much.’ She paused, aware he was looking at her, his face soft in the light of the moon.
‘What have I said?’
‘Nothing that surprises me. Is that really why you didn’t go into the family business, Jade? Because you resented the hotels for keeping your mum from you?’
His eyes were gentle and she shook her head and then decided it was pointless denying what he’d already worked out and added, ‘Partly, I suppose. I did feel that the business came before me. Well, with hindsight, I guess it had to. It was what supported us.’
‘Is that why you sold the hotels?’
‘Yes. I needed to draw a line under the past.’ She met his gaze and said, ‘I thought it would make me feel better. But it just made me feel guilty.’
‘And so now you bury yourself in work. Just like your mother did.’
‘But I don’t have children,’ she said sharply. ‘So it’s hardly the same thing. Come on. Let’s walk.’
For a while, he didn’t say anything else. They were still holding hands and she was glad they were. It felt so natural walking along the beach with him, listening to the lap of the waves and being fanned by the faint sea breeze. Every so often they climbed over groynes that were barnacled and frilled with seaweed. At one of them, she’d just put her feet on the ground when she spotted something on the sand ahead of them, a dark shape. As they got closer, she realised it was a crab on its back, its legs paddling the air, but slowly, as if it had been there a long time and had given up hope of ever righting itself.
‘Let’s take it back to the sea,’ she said.
‘Never off duty, are you?’ His voice was teasing, but it was he who picked up the crab and he who got his feet wet when he misjudged the waves to put it back.
‘You’re a big softie at heart, aren’t you, Finn?’
‘No way. I just know better than to argue with my boss. Anyway, I seem to remember you’re scared of spiders. I thought you might not want to pick it up. All those legs wriggling about. Not so different, are they?’
‘I’m not that scared of spiders,’ Jade protested.
‘You could have fooled me. I’ve heard of rain dances, but never a spider dance.’ He sounded amused and she felt a prickle of embarrassment.
As though sensing her discomfort, he changed the subject and said, ‘How long have you known Sarah, Jade?’
‘Since we were small,’ she murmured, deciding she wanted to talk about Sarah even less than she wanted to talk about the spider dance.
But for once Finn was oblivious to her thoughts.
‘Have you always been close?’
She hesitated, knowing where this was leading, but not knowing how to stop it, and then she realised they’d come to a halt on the shoreline and that Finn was holding her hand once more, so there was no escape.
‘She was the sister I never had. Actually, I think we were probably closer than sisters. We were soulmates. When she got pregnant with Ben, she asked me to be his godmother because…’ She came to an abrupt halt, realising she’d almost given herself away.
‘Because what?’
‘Because we were close, I guess.’
‘Ben’s a great kid. It’s a pity we haven’t seen so much of him, lately.’
‘Yes.’ She didn’t meet his eyes, suddenly terribly afraid that he’d already guessed. And he’d brought her here to ask her for the truth. She was going to have to lie and he’d know she was lying.
‘Jade. Do you trust me?’
‘Of course I do. What sort of a question’s that?’ She could hear the bleakness in her voice. Here it came.
‘Then why do you keep me at arm’s length? Is it because of Sarah? Because of what happened at that party?’
‘No.’ She met his eyes, glad of the darkness. It was easier somehow to lie in the darkness.
‘Then why?’
‘I don’t know. I’m…’
‘Scared?’ he asked quietly. ‘I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not in the habit of having one-night stands. That time with Sarah was a one-off. A mistake I’ve regretted ever since, not because she wasn’t a lovely girl, but just because it wasn’t something I did. Not even then, and certainly not now.’ He paused. ‘Do you believe me?’
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and he stroked her hair. It was agonising, being so close to him. She felt dizzy with wanting him. All she had to do to stop this was to tell him the truth. Then he wouldn’t look at her like that, as if he wanted her, too, and was waiting for her to reciprocate. But she couldn’t find the words. And he was still looking.
‘I wanted you to know that, Jade. In case it made a difference. ’
‘It doesn’t.’ She forced brightness into her voice. ‘It was a long time ago.’
‘Then I assume there’s some other reason you don’t want things to go any further between us,’ he said lightly. ‘Or have I misinterpreted the situation completely? Have I just made a complete fool of myself?’