Chapter 6
Beth
It was quiet outside. Cold and dark. Beth pulled away from the window, glad to see the back of another day. It was bad enough watching couples walk hand in hand the previous night for Valentine’s Day. She didn’t want to see love. It didn’t belong to her, and now she was slowly losing her mind, the chances of having that sort of love in her life was slim to none. Who’d want her? A broken mess of a woman.
Beth couldn’t get Spencer out of her head. She knew his name now, thanks to an online search of his shop. She felt so intrusive looking, but she had to. A family-run business, and just that line alone in the info section made her scoff. A rush of adrenaline had hit her heart when she saw Lottie’s name, but she soon settled when it became clear Lottie was his sister not wife.
Another search later, and she discovered he lived above the premises. He also had ties with the Happy to Help Hub in Port Berry, and the Sunshine Centre over in Penzance. Seemed he was one of life’s helpers, not just a florist. He was in the mental health care profession for children. There was so much about him she didn’t know. Everything in fact. Her heart pounded each time she set eyes on something about him on the screen. She was sure her finger would slip, hit the wrong key, and somehow let him know someone was online stalking him.
Closing her eyes as she slouched onto the sofa, she took a minute to dissect her life. She was beyond tired, in every way, and couldn’t function properly. Why, oh why couldn’t she just be like other mums? Everyone else seemed to cope.
She sat up, glancing at her son sleeping in a cream Moses basket on the living-room floor.
Poor Archie. You deserve better .
Numbness held off any tears.
Grabbing the phone, she decided it would be for the best if she called her cousin, if only to help clear her head.
‘Hello, Pearl.’
‘You okay, Beth? You’re calling late.’
Beth glanced at her phone to see it was half eight. The noise of Pearl’s children in the background met her ears as she returned to the call. ‘Sorry, lost track of time.’
Pearl’s voice softened. ‘How’s it going in the new place? You unboxed everything yet?’
‘Still waiting for you, aren’t I?’
‘Sorry, yes, I know I said I’d be over, but what with the kids, work, and Raj, I don’t know where the time’s gone.’
Beth let her off the hook. ‘It’s done, stop flapping.’ She glanced at one stack by the telly. Telling a small fib would ease her busy cousin, so what did it matter?
‘I got you to move this way so we’d be closer now the baby’s here, and there’s me never around.’
‘I’m okay, Pearl. I was just calling for a chat, that’s all. Archie’s fast asleep, but I can hear yours are still up.’
‘Raj is on bath duty tonight, that’s why the pair of them are running around like it’s Christmas Eve night.’
‘Don’t blame me,’ called out Pearl’s husband.
Beth listened to their conversation involving quiet time, too many bubbles in the tub, and the kids giggling. She smiled at their happiness, always loving being in Pearl’s home. The whole atmosphere of the place was as soothing as hot chocolate on a snowy night.
Beth’s living room suddenly looked bleak. Was that how her life would be from now on? Lifeless. No laughter. No bubble baths. No one to kiss her cheek, as she heard down the phone before her cousin came back to her.
‘Sorry about that, Beth. So, how’s the little man?’
Archie looked his adorable self, peaceful with his dreams. She’d ignored his cries at five a.m. the other day, as sleep was needed, not his racket ringing in her ears. How much longer could she hold out before he was silent? Not long, it turned out. She’d seen to his needs, then spent the rest of the day feeling guilty she’d left him to cry for a solid ten minutes. What kind of mother did that? His nappy was dirty. He wasn’t asking for much. He needed her, and she’d clasped her hands over her ears and buried her head in the pillow. The shame of the moment still haunted her.
‘He’s good.’ Beth hesitated, wondering if she could confide in Pearl about how lousy she was at motherhood, or what was happening to her mind. At the very least she could mention seeing Spencer Jordan.
Pearl’s children were close to the phone again, causing Beth to pull back a touch. Their high-pitched screams weren’t the calm chat she was expecting.
‘Look, Pearl, I can hear you’re busy. I’ll call another time.’
‘Sorry, babe. Honestly, it’s all go here tonight.’
‘Speak soon.’
‘Bye, Beth. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’ And with that, Beth ended the call.
It was as though someone just dumped a whole heap of darkness on her head, as the feeling of emptiness hit hard. If it weren’t for the low light from the lamp in the corner of the room, she would have been sure there was no light left in the world at all.
I want to be normal again .
She gazed at her son.
You deserve a life like Pearl’s kids have. I can’t give you that. I can’t give you anything .
Slowly and calmly Beth set about packing Archie’s pram bag. She filled it with some clothes, nappies, and a tub of baby milk. His bottles were packed, as was his washbag. She added an extra blanket to the pram, then sat at the small dining table squashed into one corner of the living room and started to write in the notebook she used for shopping lists.
As much as she knew Archie would be safe and loved with her cousin, she also knew Pearl would be on her case if she dumped the baby on her.
Carefully, she cradled Archie, placing him gently in his pram. He stirred slightly, wriggled his arms, then drifted back to sleep.
What was she doing? She knew exactly what she was doing. She just couldn’t stop herself. Even the bitter cold air failed to wake her from the trance she seemed captured in. Her feet moved by themselves. Her body forced to join the trip. Her mind unable to comment or complain.
The journey down to Harbour End Road seemed to take all of five minutes, and if one person passed her along the way, she didn’t see them.
Beth steered the pram to the harbour wall, looking out at the blackness of the sea. It looked deadly out there tonight. No stars or full moon to romanticize the scene. No jolly sailors singing sea shanties while aboard their vessels. Just the low hum of moving water.
She turned to face the shops on the other side, closed up for the night. Lights from the flats above were dimmed by drapes or blinds, and no shadows passed the windows.
Glancing over her shoulder, she wondered if the upturned dinghy could be another option. The shingles surrounding it were damp but accessible. No boulders or slippery seaweed to cause obstruction in the dark. How easy it would be to sail away to wherever the tide decided.
A gust of wind caught her mousey hair, flicking a long strand close to her eye, making her blink. It was enough to get her moving her weary limbs.
Checking the street and the windows up high for signs of life, Beth took a calming breath. No one was about, so she headed over to the door beside the flower shop.
Archie was snuggled, unaware of his fate. He was her life now, and she loved every inch of him, but it wasn’t fair he had a mother who was broken. Perhaps if she just had one week to herself to sleep, she would be able to think clearly, not feel scared, and figure out what to do.
If I left him, would he die? Would I?
Heart palpitations took centre stage. The hand reaching towards his warm cheek shook, and not from lack of gloves. Beth could feel parts of her cracking under the strain of what, she couldn’t say. It was just torture. Day in, day out. How was she still standing? How was she still alive when the fear that ran through her daily felt like death was upon her? Nothing made sense. Nothing but one thing.
She leaned into the pram, pushing a note into the side of the mattress. ‘I’ll not be far, baby boy,’ she whispered. ‘I love you so much.’ Closing her eyes, she raised her face to the sky, taking a moment to just breathe.
Something clanked over by the boats, and Beth looked around her once more. She wasn’t sure how she raised her index finger to the doorbell and pressed it. She felt as though she’d left her body and it was functioning on its own, under its own steam. She sprinted across the road and dipped low behind the harbour wall.
Each second passing could have been hours. Beth could barely breathe. Then it happened. The street door opened, the backlight revealing golden copper-brown streaked hair.
Beth peeked from her hiding spot, knowing the lack of lamps where she shivered would keep her hidden.
Spencer had one arm around the back of his neck as he stepped out to the pavement searching the street. He looked in doorways, then over to the boats. Shaking his head, he dipped low to the pram, then called out, ‘Hello?’
Beth lowered.
Take him. Take him inside .
She closed her eyes, willing the man to do what she asked. Not one part of her said it would be for the best if she just popped up and explained her situation.
Another call filled the air, then silence.
Beth slowly raised her head just in time to see Spencer lift the pram and carry it up the stairs to his flat. She waited awhile, knowing he would appear again to close his front door.
He peered down the street once more, hands on hips, and Beth could only imagine the scowl on his face. After what seemed like forever, he went back indoors, closing his world on hers.
Beth slumped to the cold ground and stared out to sea. If God should strike her down, she hoped it would be with immediate effect.