Chapter 8
Beth
‘I can’t believe this!’ yelled Pearl.
It had been the worst night of Beth’s life. She was sure her mind had left her altogether. Not much else could explain the madness.
Pearl’s dark hair was almost touching her cheek, she was bent over so close, and Beth wanted to flick it away. Flick her cousin away, but she had made the mistake of calling her, and now she had to suffer the consequences. Not that anything Pearl said mattered. She could scream the building down and yell out all sorts of insults, but nothing would make Beth feel as bad as she already did.
‘Beth, you need to get up. Do you hear me?’ Pearl tried to drag her off the sofa, but Beth groaned and pulled away.
‘Please leave me,’ she whispered, a wedge of guilt lodged in her throat. ‘I don’t want to do anything.’
‘You have to do something. You can’t stay in this state.’ Pearl gave up tugging and flopped to the other end of the seat. ‘You left your baby with a stranger. I need you to talk to me so I can go get him back.’
‘He’s safe. With his dad.’
Pearl’s dark eyes widened. ‘What do you mean, his dad ? You told me you didn’t know who his dad was. One-night stand, wasn’t it? You being footloose and fancy free, right? Flipping heck, Beth, wake up!’
Beth groaned to an upright position, sinking her body as close to the arm of the seat as possible so she wasn’t touching Pearl. It was understandable her cousin would be fuming, but there was no way Pearl would understand the reasons for the abandonment. Beth couldn’t understand it much herself.
All night, she thought she’d be able to breathe more freely, but that didn’t work. The long, cold walk home hadn’t snapped her out of zombie mode, and staring at the ceiling for the best part of the night only drained her even further.
Beth looked to the door, half expecting men in white coats to burst in and carry her away. If only someone could make her mind work properly again. Perhaps feel. She was so numb, tired, lonely, and quite possibly the worst person on the planet.
Pearl’s words weren’t sinking in much. Everything fading in and out. All Beth wanted was to curl up and be left to die. She didn’t deserve any kind words or sympathy from her cousin. She just needed quiet.
‘That will be Jan,’ said Pearl.
Beth became alert. ‘Who?’ Her bloodshot eyes moved to the doorway as she realized someone was knocking on her front door.
‘I told you I called Raj’s friend, January Riley. She’s here to help.’ Pearl moved to open the door, and Beth felt too exhausted to care. ‘She’s a therapist,’ added Pearl. ‘What you need right now.’
Before Beth had time to blink, a middle-aged woman with dark eyes was smiling gently down at her. Beth focused on the woman’s mass of blonde curls, thinking them pretty against the woman’s dark skin. Her own head was greasy and no doubt smelled.
‘Hello, Beth. I’m January Riley, but everyone calls me Jan.’ She sat on the sofa while Pearl announced she was off to make some tea. ‘How you feeling?’
If I knew that, I could help myself, thanks!
Beth took a calming breath as best she could, then burst out crying, which really was unexpected. Pearl came running in, tissues in hand, and cradled her into her arms.
‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ Pearl mumbled to Jan, but Beth heard.
‘Whatever is going on,’ said Jan, a little louder so Beth could definitely hear over her slowing sobs, ‘we’re going to figure it out, and I can promise you, everything’s going to be all right.’
It was reassuring to hear, but that was all.
Beth loosened Pearl’s grip, then wiped her nose when her cousin stood to fetch the tea.
‘Why don’t we start at the beginning, Beth. See if we can spot the trigger for all this.’ Jan’s voice was as soothing as the lullabies she’d sing to Archie.
Oh no, she couldn’t start crying again. How dare she feel sorry for herself after the stunt she had pulled last night? She needed to reach for some focus. Talk to the woman. It could hardly make matters worse.
Thinking back, Beth recalled the day fear overtook her mind, body, and soul. It wasn’t hard to remember.
‘You can pinpoint the moment, can’t you?’ said Jan, offering a reassuring smile.
Beth gave a slight nod. ‘I was in my last stage of pregnancy.’ She continued to share her nightmare, wondering what the therapist would make of the journey from hell she’d been on. She was still figuring it out herself.
‘Ah, I see,’ said Jan, once more had been explained. ‘What happened to you during that time were panic attacks. What’s happening to you now is PTSD.’
Beth didn’t mean to scoff. It just came out. Jan was making her sound like she was ex-forces or something. ‘I haven’t been to war,’ she said quietly, even though part of her felt she had. ‘I don’t have flashbacks.’
Jan smiled softly as she closed a notebook on her lap that Beth had only just noticed. ‘People always think that’s what PTSD is all about. But there is so much more to the condition, and it’s not just linked to the military. It’s caused by all sorts of trauma, and what you went through was traumatic. It didn’t help not knowing what was happening to you. It’s always worse when you have no label for your problem.’
The therapist was right, just handing out medical terms had made things slightly clearer.
‘But I do know some stuff about anxiety,’ said Beth. ‘I’m a primary school teacher, and I’ve had a few kids in my class who suffer with their nerves.’
‘Knowing about it and having a full-blown panic attack swipe you off your feet are two very different things.’ Jan thanked Pearl for the tea she passed over. ‘You now know what it feels like, and you have discovered there is so much more to the issue than just the fear it causes.’
‘So, that’s it?’ asked Pearl, sitting on the chair opposite Beth. ‘Trauma is causing this?’ She turned to Beth. ‘I wish I had known about your pregnancy problem. I would have tried to help you.’
‘I didn’t know what was happening to me. I assumed I was cracking up. I wouldn’t let the doctors near me at first. I wasn’t just afraid, I was petrified, and I couldn’t do anything about it because I kept freezing. It was such a weird feeling. I felt stuck.’ Beth glanced at Jan.
A wave of gentleness flashed through Jan’s eyes. ‘Well, now I know your story and what led you to where we are today, we can work on getting you better.’
Beth swiped away a tear. ‘I thought I’d gone insane. I lost my voice, Jan. I couldn’t communicate with anyone, and I just wanted the world to leave me to die. Are you sure that was just anxiety doing that to me? I honestly thought the condition was just about fear, not irrational behaviour and feeling lost.’
‘Oh, there’s a lot more to all mental health problems than most people think. Look at you just now with the PTSD subject. Like most, you linked it to the armed forces, and all you knew about its symptoms was flashbacks. Your night sweats, hypervigilance, thinking you’re going to die, your baby might die. It’s all increased alertness, keeping you triggered at all times. That’s PTSD.’
Pearl folded her arms in a huff. ‘Why didn’t the hospital staff tell her that?’
‘I wasn’t having most of that then,’ said Beth. ‘Just the panic. It waved through me whenever they came near me, wanting to induce labour, but I didn’t know what was happening to me. I wanted to give birth, I really did, but it was as though a wall appeared from nowhere and just brought me to a stop. I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t even speak.’
Pearl turned to Jan. ‘But why wouldn’t the doctors and nurses recognize that?’
Beth shook her hands, clutching her fingers to calm the tremble. ‘Not one person in that hospital mentioned anything to do with mental illness.’ She cast her mind back to clarify. It was true, no one said a word. ‘I guess they just thought I was scared.’
‘Okay,’ said Jan. ‘At least we know how this started, so let’s take some time to work out a recovery plan for you, Beth. It’s for the best if we stay focused on your healing.’
The thought alone made Beth feel as though air was back in her lungs. From the way Jan was speaking, it might just be possible she’d be able to get back to normal at some point. Hope filled her from head to toe. It was a start, and way more than she’d had for months.
‘We need to talk about Archie now,’ added Jan, and that small light in Beth suddenly dimmed to a dot.
‘It’s okay, Beth,’ said Pearl. ‘We’ll get him back.’
‘I think he’s better off where he is for now,’ she told her cousin, then looked to Jan for her reaction.
Jan still held the warmest smile. ‘I need to know where he is, Beth. I know you’re safe, and now I need to make sure Archie’s in the best place.’
‘He can always stay with me,’ said Pearl.
‘He’s safe,’ snapped Beth, not meaning to. ‘Sorry.’
Jan’s head bobbed. ‘It’s okay, Beth.’
‘He’s with his dad.’
‘Who she doesn’t know,’ said Pearl.
Beth locked eyes with her. ‘I do now.’ She turned to Jan. ‘It was a one-night stand. But recently I bumped into him again, sort of. Anyway, once I knew his name, I looked him up. He works with kids, which means he’s been vetted.’ She took a moment to explain that to herself again, then glared at Pearl. ‘I wasn’t thinking straight, okay.’
Pearl sipped her tea, obviously deciding not to respond.
Jan leaned a touch closer. ‘It would be helpful all round if I knew where this man lived.’
A flutter hit Beth’s solar plexus. ‘No. You’ll take Archie away or someone else will. He’ll be put into a foster home.’ She swiped away another tear.
‘No, not at all,’ said Jan. ‘Archie has two parents, and if one of them wants him, then he’ll have a home with them. Children aren’t taken from their parents for no reason.’
‘But I have a reason. I left him on a doorstep.’
Pearl looked at Jan. ‘For all we know, Archie’s dad might have already called social services and handed him over.’
A cold chill came over Beth. ‘But I wrote him a letter. I told him he was Archie’s father, and I said I’ll be back soon. Surely he wouldn’t . . .’ Another tear fell.
‘Best thing we can do right now is find out,’ said Jan. ‘Do you think you could tell me his name, Beth? I promise everything I do from this moment forward will be in yours and Archie’s best interests. Hey, I’m on your side. If you need some time, that’s fine. If you want your son back, I’ll make it happen. But I will feel a lot better knowing Archie is safe right now.’
‘Tell her, Beth. I’m worried about Archie too, you know,’ said Pearl.
Beth took a deep breath, trying to loosen her tight lungs. ‘His name is Spencer Jordan.’
Jan’s eyebrows lifted. ‘Spencer?’
‘You know him?’ asked Pearl.
‘Yes, I work closely with the Happy to Help Hub where he volunteers. He’s one of the creators of the place.’
Pearl nodded. ‘Not seen it myself, but heard of it. But I thought he worked with children.’
‘His name came up linked to the Sunshine Centre as well,’ Beth told her.
‘That’s right,’ said Jan. ‘He’s trained in health care for children.’
‘And he’s a florist,’ Beth told Pearl, whose eyes had gone as wide as they could go.
‘Flipping heck, he gets around.’
Jan smiled softly. ‘Spencer is a good man.’ It sounded as though her exhale was filled with relief, which lightened the load for Beth a touch.
‘He is?’ she asked, earning an eye roll from her cousin.
Jan’s curls bounced as her head bobbed. ‘He is. Archie is in good hands. At least we don’t have to worry about that.’
‘How do you know he hasn’t called in a social worker?’ asked Pearl.
Beth narrowed her eyes at Jan’s expression, as it seemed to hold a secret.
‘Because I know Spencer,’ replied Jan. ‘He wouldn’t give up Archie for all the tea in China.’
Instead of feeling reassured, Beth was suddenly worried. Had she lost her son to the stranger? Was she about to go into battle with more than her mental health?