Thirty-nine
‘Sorry if I spoiled things for you last night,’ Freya said at breakfast next morning. She’d skipped the morning swim again, and Gill was beginning to wonder if, now her daughter had reconnected with old friends, she was going to see less of her. But she couldn’t complain. She was pleased Freya was enjoying being back in Pelican Crossing and happy to have whatever time her daughter chose to spend with her.
‘You didn’t. There was nothing to spoil. We were just enjoying a few moments of peace.’ Gill wasn’t sure whether she’d been pleased or disappointed when Freya interrupted the moment when she and Joe had been about to… what? Surely they hadn’t been going to…? But the atmosphere had certainly been heated. Joe had left soon afterwards, and Gill had gone to bed to lie there trying to work out exactly what had happened, or been about to happen, or could have happened, if Freya hadn’t arrived home when she did. But she had. There was no need for recrimination. So why did she have this feeling of regret ?
‘Didn’t look that way to me. But it’s okay, Mum. You’re allowed to have a relationship, to have feelings. It’s not as if Dad and you…’ She drained her coffee.
‘Leave your dad out of it. It’s nothing to do with him. Speaking of which, have you spoken to him yet?’
‘No.’ Freya’s expression was bullish. ‘I have nothing to say to him.’
‘He wasn’t always like this, Freya,’ Gill began, not sure why she was defending Max to her. ‘When you were small, he loved both of us so much. We had some good times.’ It hurt Gill to think maybe it was her fault everything had gone wrong. If she hadn’t pursued her career, become so successful…
‘It wasn’t your fault, Mum,’ Freya said, as if reading her mind. ‘Dad was always going to be a dick. I know I blamed you for a while but with this last escapade…’ she shook her head, ‘… it’s too much, even for him.’
Gill looked affectionately at her daughter. At least Max’s latest caper had brought Freya back to her.
But Freya hadn’t finished. ‘I like the mayor,’ she said. ‘You make a good couple. I think…’
‘Freya, there’s no couple. I’m not free. I’m still married, and unlike your father… I do have some principles.’ Where were these principles last night, she wondered, when she and Joe had almost… But they wouldn’t have, would they? She’d never know, and she intended to make sure the opportunity never arose again. So why did she feel a niggle of sadness at the prospect?
‘Well, maybe you should do something about it.’
For a moment Gill, caught up in her own thoughts, assumed Freya was talking about her and Joe. Then she realised it was her and Max she was referring to. ‘It’s not so simple, sweetheart. Divorce can be complicated, ours more so than most with all your dad’s demands. You have no idea.’
‘Why don’t you tell me?’
‘I don’t think so.’ The dispute between her and Max wasn’t something she wanted to share with their daughter. But seeing Freya’s concerned expression reminded Gill that her daughter wasn’t a child. She was thirty and had had her own troubles to deal with. ‘Okay,’ she said, and began to enumerate Max’s latest litany of demands.
‘But he can’t do that,’ Freya exclaimed, when Gill came to his claim for a percentage of her future income.
‘I’m afraid he can… he has. It’s what’s keeping us from settling things. I don’t want to lose this apartment, either.’
‘Of course not.’ Freya looked around the room, at the sun streaming in through the window, the view of the marina in the distance. ‘Couldn’t you… I don’t know… put it in my name or something?’
‘It’s a lovely thought, darling, but no, I can’t. It’s one of our shared assets.’ She sighed, reminded again of the burden hanging over her. ‘It’s not your problem. And I do think you should talk to him.’
‘Hmm.’ Freya looked thoughtful. ‘Maybe I will,’ she said, her expression sending a shiver down Gill’s spine. What did her daughter have in mind? Perhaps she’d been wrong to be so open with her.
*
Joe couldn’t stop thinking about Gill and cursing the fact Freya had interrupted what was promising to be the realisation of his dreams. Or was he mistaken? Had Gill really been about to move their relationship to the next step, or had she been relieved when the light flashed on and broke the mood? Things had been going so well. It had been a perfect evening, the ideal ending to a splendid day. Then Freya arrived, and everything changed. He’d left soon after, recognising Gill’s embarrassment at being caught in an almost compromising position. But Freya wasn’t a child. Joe was sure she’d understood.
Erica had been in bed when he got home, and after a night when he’d tossed and turned for what seemed for ever, he’d wakened early and left before she returned from her swim. He didn’t want to rehash his day with her, preferring to keep his thoughts to himself.
Coco was surprised to be out and about so early, padding happily along at Joe’s side as they walked past the marina to The Blue Dolphin Café where Joe ordered breakfast and a large mug of coffee. The café had only just opened for the day, and he was its only customer at this time in the morning.
‘You’re an early bird.’
Joe looked up to see Jamie Whittaker carrying a takeaway coffee. ‘Hi, Jamie. Felt like making an early start.’
‘Is your sister still staying with you?’ Jamie glanced around as if expecting Erica to appear.
‘She is, yes. She’s joined the group of wild swimmers and is out there enjoying herself right now.’
‘She always was one for extreme sports,’ Jamie said.
Joe stared at him in surprise. How well had Jamie known Erica back then? He didn’t remember too much about what his sister had got up to. He hadn’t mentioned Jamie’s earlier remarks to Erica. He wondered how she’d react. But she had enough on her plate with her worry about Geoff. The last thing she needed was a shadow from her past.
‘I can’t stop. I have a group of guys from Melbourne booked in for a fishing trip. We must catch up sometime for a beer,’ Jamie said.
‘Sure.’ Joe was relieved. He’d come here to be alone, to think about Gill, to work out what to do next.
By the time he’d consumed the café’s big breakfast, allowing Coco half a sausage, and was wired from two mugs of coffee, Joe headed to the office. He’d decided he and Gill needed to talk. He’d call her and arrange to meet for lunch if her schedule permitted. He was disappointed their evening had been cut short and he needed to discover if she was too.
The office was deserted. Joe ensured Coco had water and settled at his desk. Was it too early to call Gill? When did she leave for the office? Should he wait till she was at work? Wracked by indecision, he looked down at Coco who raised her head. ‘What do you think, Coco, now or later?’
Coco merely yawned, her long pink tongue flicking out, then back in again. She was no help.
Joe picked up his phone and stared at it for a full two minutes before pressing Gill’s number on the speed dial.
*
Gill had just arrived in the office and was still thinking about her conversation with Freya when her phone rang. Seeing Joe’s number on the screen sent a quiver of excitement down her spine. She pressed to accept the call. ‘Joe?’
‘Gill, how are you this morning? I can’t stop thinking about you. Last night…’
Gill didn’t reply immediately. His words brought back the previous evening so clearly, that heady moment when they had almost…
‘I wanted to ask if you’re free for lunch. I think we need to talk.’
‘Sounds ominous,’ Gill said, trying to still the tremor in her voice.
‘It’s not. But I think we need to clear the air after…’
Couldn’t he form a complete sentence ? Gill mentally flicked through her diary. There was the partners’ meeting at nine, then she had three client appointments. ‘I could be free around one. Does that work for you?’
‘Perfect.’
Gill heard him give a sigh of relief. She had the impression any time she’d mentioned would have got the same response. He was such an amenable man, so unlike Max. What on earth was she doing thinking about Max in the same breath as Joe? It was the conversation about him with Freya. It had brought it all back – the betrayal, the evasions, the straight out lies, then the demands… Freya was right about one thing. Joe was one of the good guys, probably too good for her. Gill had never pretended she was anything special. She was good at her job – her success rate spoke for itself – but apart from that, what did she have going for her? It was her turn to sigh. ‘ Books and Coffee ?’ she asked.
‘If it’s okay with you. I’ll have Coco with me, so I’ll snag an outside table.’
‘See you there.’
After a busy morning, Gill walked along to meet Joe. She was filled with warring emotions. On the one hand, she was looking forward to seeing him again, the memory of the previous evening fresh in her mind, on the other, there was the thought of what had almost happened, how she had almost allowed herself to succumb, to give in to the heat of the moment, to lose the control she fought so hard to maintain.
Coco saw her first and barked excitedly. ‘Quiet, Coco.’ Joe’s calm voice sent tremors through Gill. How could she have doubted her feelings for him ?
‘Hello, Coco,’ she said, greeting the dog first, and ruffling her ears. Then she raised her eyes to meet Joe’s. ‘Hello,’ she said.
‘Hello, you.’ Joe rose to give her a kiss on the cheek.
Gill’s heart missed a beat. For a moment, she was tempted to turn her head so their lips met, then she remembered where she was and sat down quickly, before she was embarrassed by making a public exhibition of herself.
‘It’s good to see you.’ Joe took Gill’s hand in his, and her heart leapt, making it difficult to remember her decision.
‘Good to see you too,’ she managed to say, her voice shaking. This was crazy. She needed to get control.
‘Shall we order?’
‘Of course. I’ll have a quiche with salad… and coffee.’
‘Too easy. I’ll leave you with Coco while I order.’
The dog looked up at Gill expectantly, and she leant down to ruffle her ears again. ‘Your master is a good man,’ she said. ‘I don’t deserve someone like him.’
Coco gave a sigh, whether in agreement or not, Gill couldn’t determine. She was still trying to decide when Joe returned.
‘Done,’ he said, rubbing his hands together. ‘Denny twisted my arm to order two slices of lemon meringue pie too. Hope that’s okay with you.’
‘Fine.’ Gill loved lemon meringue pie but didn’t know if she could face it today. ‘You wanted to talk,’ she said. Best to get it out of the way.
Joe rubbed his chin. ‘About last night…’ He paused. ‘I was sorry when we were interrupted. I was… it was… I thought…’
‘I was too, but it was probably for the best, Joe. When Freya arrived home, we were on the point of taking things too far, of letting our emotions take over, of forgetting ourselves.’ Even as she spoke, Gill felt herself redden at the memory of how she’d felt in Joe’s embrace, his lips on hers, his…
‘Would it have been so wrong?’
‘I’m still married, Joe. I’m not free to give in to my impulses, even if I want to.’
‘So, you admit you wanted to? I wasn’t imagining your response?’
‘What do you think?’ she asked, aware she might be sounding flirtatious.
‘I think you’re a very beautiful and desirable woman who is making it very difficult for me to think about anything else,’ Joe said with a smile which almost took Gill’s breath away.
‘Oh!’ was all she could manage in response.
‘But I have no idea how you feel about me,’ Joe continued. ‘You seem to blow hot and cold. I know you are still married, but you are in the midst of a divorce and, from what you’ve told me about your husband, he kicked over the traces long ago. You don’t owe him anything, least of all loyalty and faithfulness.’
Gill sighed. Joe was right, but… ‘You’re right, and I’m sorry. I do like you… a lot. And when we’re together, I have trouble thinking straight. It’s why I don’t know if I was pleased or disappointed when Freya broke in on us last night. One part of me was annoyed we’d been interrupted when all I wanted was to finish what we’d started, but another – the more sensible part – was glad we’d been forced to stop in time. No…’ she held up one hand, ‘… I know I’m not some young girl desperate to maintain my virtue, but I’m not sure I’m ready to move on to what would be a serious relationship. I don’t do things by halves, Joe, so if we…’ she took a deep breath, ‘… it would have to mean something.’
She looked across the table at Joe who seemed to be struggling with something.
He took her hand in his before speaking. ‘I’m with you there, Gill. You already mean a lot to me. After Barb… I never thought I’d find anyone who could replace her in my affections.’ He shook his head. ‘No, that’s not what I mean. I never thought I’d find someone who’d make me feel the way you do. Some people never find the person they want to spend their life with. I’ve been lucky enough to find a special one twice. I think you may share my feelings, and if you do, there’s nothing wrong with expressing them in the most meaningful way possible.’
Gill tried to focus on what Joe was saying, The touch of his hand on hers was sending waves of longing through her, but she was helpless to remove it. She had no idea how to respond and was relieved when Denny appeared with their lunch.
‘Enjoy, folks,’ he said, placing their meals and coffees on the table, as Joe removed his hand.
Gill was still trying to stop the trembling Joe’s touch had set in motion. She picked up her cup and took a gulp, almost choking as the hot liquid burned her tongue. Joe was right. They were two consenting adults. So, why was she finding it all so difficult? ‘I do, Joe… share your feelings, but it’s difficult for me.’ She sighed. ‘After Max left, I buried myself in my work. I vowed to remain single and told anyone who’d listen what I thought of all men, and my decision never to allow one into my life again. Then I met you… and all my good intentions flew out of the window. But I can’t help wondering if I’m imagining it, if it’s all a dream, and I’ll wake up to discover I’m back where I started.’
‘I promise I’m not a dream,’ Joe chuckled, ‘not even a bad one.’
A sense of release washing over her at Joe’s words, Gill laughed. ‘No one could accuse you of that.’
‘So, are we good?’
‘We’re good,’ Gill said, not quite sure what she’d agreed to, but relieved to have the conversation over. She hated all this talk about feelings and emotions. They were complicated, and she saw on a daily basis how they messed up people’s lives. It was one of the reasons she’d maintained her single status since Max left, avoided the risk of becoming involved again. And the other ? She hated losing control , as she’d been about to do with Joe before Freya’s arrival rescued her. But had she really wanted to be rescued?
‘We should eat before this gets cold.’
Joe’s words interrupted Gill’s thoughts and brought her back to the present. She picked up her cutlery only to discover her appetite had gone.