Chapter 8 #2
Maybe Nat was right. Maybe this was more about him.
Maybe the boxes were a bridge too far for him at the moment and he’d been resisting them because of the emotions they were bound to stir.
The guilt had been too much to bear as it was.
But… her reprimand earlier was still ringing in his eyes.
These were Julian’s memories too. And if it helped reach him, then he’d have to just suck it up.
Still, he worried.
What if Julian couldn’t handle what was in these boxes? What if it upset him too much? If he became inconsolable?
You might be surprised what he can handle.
Her words rattled through his brain and Alessandro flicked a quick look in her direction.
She was looking at him earnestly, her eyes urging him to pick up the Stanley knife and just do it already.
Rip the Band-Aid – or the packing tape, as the case might be – straight off.
It was a nice change from the reprimand in her gaze earlier when he’d been distracted by those damn bows sitting snugly atop her shoulders.
He’d been fascinated the second he laid eyes on them, trying not to – after the incident in his bedroom with the towel – think about what would happen if he pulled one of those little bows.
How easy would it be? Just reach out and tug.
Would her whole dress just slide off? Would he get to see as much of her as she had got to seen of him last night? The urge to reach out and do just that had been so strong he’d had to curl his fingers into his palms to quell it.
Sitting opposite him at the table hadn’t helped. The bows had been in his direct line of sight – just taunting him. So, yeah, he’d been distracted. By his raging, unwanted erection…
‘Alessandro?’ she prompted quietly.
Dragging his thoughts off his undisciplined cock – which was now behaving – and definitely not looking at those bows, Alessandro slit the box open. There, on top, sat Julian’s old rabbit.
‘George!’ Julian snatched up the rather bedraggled creature that had obviously seen better days and gave it an enthusiastic hug. ‘I missed you, George!’
Watching the reunion, Alessandro felt utterly dreadful. Julian could have had George weeks ago. He hadn’t even been aware that the toy had been packed. Or even noticed that Julian had been without him until Nat had prompted him that day at the crèche.
Christ, he was making a total hash of this solo parenting business.
He glanced at Nat and she smiled at him – not gloating but happy nonetheless. ‘What else have we got in here?’ she said, addressing Julian.
Clinging to his rabbit, Julian peered inside expectantly as Alessandro dipped in.
By the time they’d emptied all the boxes, he’d pulled out clothes and toys and books and delightful wall hangings.
The last thing to emerge was the exquisite mobile of stars and moons that had hung in Julian’s nursery.
Made of brightly coloured glass, it formed a kaleidoscope-like blur when the pieces twirled.
Nat gasped. ‘This is beautiful.’
‘Nonna gave it to me,’ Julian murmured.
Alessandro looked at his son as Julian reached out and pushed one of the stars with a finger. He smiled. ‘That’s right.’
His mother had bought it in Murano when she’d been visiting relatives in Venice. He remembered how Julian would lie on his back for ages as a baby in his cot and watch the constellations swing above him in bright disorder.
Julian looked at him as he clutched George tighter. ‘Can you hang it above my bed like in London?’
Alessandro expelled a breath. It was probably the first time Julian had directly addressed him for anything remotely personal. Was this the kind of breakthrough Nat had been hoping for? He swallowed down a tightening in his throat as he nodded briskly. ‘Of course.’
They spent the next couple of hours putting things to rights in Julian’s room, hanging and placing, Julian actually engaged in the process, filling Alessandro’s heart to brimming. Almost like old times. When they were done, his room was hardly recognisable.
It actually looked like a child lived there.
‘What’s this?’
He and Julian both turned from admiring the transformation to see Nat holding up a box of fish food, a slight frown on her face. She held it up and raised her eyebrows at him but it was Julian who answered. ‘It’s Gilbert and Sullivan’s food.’
Alessandro remembered buying the two goldfish for his son’s third birthday. Julian had thought he was Superman. Camilla, however, had not been impressed. She certainly hadn’t mourned their passing.
‘You had fish?’ Nat asked Julian.
Julian nodded. ‘Daddy bought them for my birthday. But they got sick and died.’
‘Oh. I’m so sorry,’ she said.
His little shoulders moved in the tiniest of shrugs. ‘Fish don’t live very long.’
He said it so matter-of-factly it broke Alessandro’s heart. Julian had been through so much. His mother’s death, his pet fishing dying, and he’d had to leave his cat behind. No wonder he’d been so withdrawn. Today was the most animated he’d seen his son in a long time.
Apart from when he was with Nat – of course.
Alessandro’s heart thudded in his chest as he contemplated taking the next step forward.
He’d been terrified of going too far too fast but Nat had said that sometimes pushing was needed.
And this felt like one of those moments he could take a firm step in his son’s direction.
‘I can buy you some more,’ he offered tentatively.
Julian’s face lit up. ‘Really?’
A lump lodged in Alessandro’s throat at the hope in Julian’s eyes. ‘Really.’
Hugging himself and hopping from foot to foot on the spot, Julian nodded vigorously. ‘Yes please!’
The lump grew to the size of the room. Julian hadn’t run into his arms and hugged him effusively but it felt like a true moment of connection. Like their first father–son moment in a very long time.
Sure, there was a long way to go but it was a start.
Flicking a glance at Nat, he found her grinning so big it snatched his breath away. Clearly, he’d finally done something right and he grinned back.