Chapter 21
Rowan
Ileaned back in the chair in my room, stretching my neck so Hastings could shave it better.
I normally preferred to see to this task myself, but I was in no condition to wield a razor.
With how preoccupied I was with my time spent with Arabella last night, combing a sharp object against my neck would be disastrous.
“Are you all right, sir?” Hastings asked, stepping back for a moment.
“Yes. Why do you ask?”
“You keep moaning.”
“I do?” I had not even realized it. “I’m just mulling over a few things. You may continue.”
Hastings brought the razor back to my neck, allowing my mind to wander once more.
When I arrived at Elmhurst, I did not believe in love.
I had planned to marry, start a family, and find purpose in the action thereof.
What a fool I’d been to think I could do all those things without my heart being entirely invested. It had been a selfish agenda.
Now I found my thoughts and desires were for someone else.
I could not bear seeing Arabella unhappy.
She had invaded my heart, likely from the moment I had met her again in Quillsbury, and somewhere between there and now had taken up permanent residence.
Like a cold, I had developed one symptom and then another, and before I knew it, I had succumbed to loving her.
Was there a cure? Would it pass in time?
Because I think I was reaching a fever pitch moment where it either took a turn for the better or did me in. While it had hurt to sever my promise of intention to Arabella, I had lived through it. Surely, my feelings would start to improve at any moment.
Hastings wiped my face clean and turned to do the same to the razor.
“Hastings,” I hedged.
“Yes?”
I tapped my hand on my leg. “I plan to speak with Mr. Delafield at the first opportunity and quit Elmhurst.”
“Sir?”
I shrugged. “I am not going to marry Miss Delafield after all.”
Hastings frowned. “I am sorry to hear this. Has something happened?”
I tipped my head back again and stared at the ceiling, wishing it had the answers for me. “Yes, I fell in love with her.”
There was a long pause, and I looked up to see Hastings’s reaction. His frown had only deepened.
“It’s the right thing to do,” I explained.
Hastings suddenly chuckled. “You are in love with her.”
“I already said that, didn’t I?”
“Yes, but this is proof.”
I stood and reached for my riding jacket. “I suppose it is. I’m not certain when I’ll find the right opportunity to speak with Mr. Delafield, but I wanted to prepare you.”
“Thank you, sir. I wish you luck with both Mr. Delafield and his daughter.”
I sighed. “I’ll need both.”
I avoided the others in the house and strode right to the front door.
At times like this, a man needed fresh air and the steady bounce of a horse beneath him.
Or rather, any distracting activity to keep from facing the grueling task of speaking with Mr. Delafield.
I hated to be the one to disappoint him. He was like family to me.
After a hard ride and stalling as long as possible in the stables grooming my horse, I made my way back to the house.
Once I had changed, I forced myself to go to the drawing room.
I doubted I would find Mr. Delafield there, but like a glutton for punishment, I still hoped for a glimpse of Arabella.
Mayhap she would smile at me when I entered the room. There was a first time for everything.
One smile would be enough to strengthen me for the task ahead.
Though, I would not complain if her warm blue eyes beckoned me nearer or her willowy fingers reached for mine.
I violently shook my head. It would be better if a glimpse of Arabella helped regulate my growing obsession to a reasonable level.
I stepped into the drawing room just as Arabella embraced Harriet in a firm hug. It was hard not to be jealous. I had been in those arms just last night, and they were a wondrous place to be.
“I am here if you need anything at all,” Arabella said to Harriet.
“Thank you,” Harriet said, pulling back.
They both seemed to see me at the same moment.
“Excuse me. I am interrupting.” I took a step back toward the door.
“Not at all,” Harriet said. “I was just leaving.” She turned back to Arabella. “I will come again as soon as I can.”
Arabella nodded. “See that you do, and we will have an afternoon of music where you can play to your heart’s content. I will even have cook prepare the lemon cake you enjoy so much.”
Harriet grinned. “With the almonds and that delicious glaze I love?”
Such a description was making me hungry.
Harriet clasped her hands in front of her chest. “Now you will not be able to keep me away.”
“Nor me,” I said, speaking before thinking. I cleared my throat when they looked at me. “But I will have my cake in a separate room. Alone. Where I am not intruding.”
Harriet glanced at Arabella and shared a secret smile. “I will see myself out.”
Arabella nodded and took a seat, much more relaxed and happier than she had been last night when I had found her in the library. I was relieved to see Harriet had helped restore her mood.
Once Harriet had vacated the room, I clasped my hands behind my back and strode slowly to the opposite end of the sofa from Arabella. “Harriet seemed well.”
“Yes, I think a break from her husband was just the medicine she needed.”
I nodded slowly. “I am sorry she is so unhappy.”
She shrugged. “I tried to be a listening ear and even managed to make her laugh once. It sounds pitiful saying it out loud when my efforts have not really changed her situation at all. I wish there was more I could do to help.”
“Simply being her friend is enough.” The irony of my words hit their mark. Arabella’s friendship would have to be enough for me as well.
She leaned forward to tidy the tea things, avoiding my eyes. “Being there for her will be harder after I marry Mr. Clodwick and move to Quillsbury.”
My hands tightened their hold on each other. “Indeed.” It was the only word I could muster. It was somewhere between an affirmative and a question, and as vague as I could manage without balking outright. “Where is the lucky man, anyway?” I asked, barely keeping my tone civil.
“He went to town with Mr. Mason and my sister and mother.” She motioned to the tea things. “Would you like me to have a cup sent up for you?”
“No, thank you.” I paused for a moment. “Did Elizabeth not join the outing to town?”
Arabella’s look said she was thinking the same thing I was. “No, she insisted on taking a ride instead.”
“That could be worse,” I said under my breath.
She nodded, apparently having heard me. “I attempted to sway her, but Harriet arrived at the same time, and I missed my opportunity.”
I perched on the edge of the sofa, not certain if it was a good idea to stay and torture myself with Arabella’s fetching appearance. I swear, she became lovelier with each passing day. “Have you had a chance to speak with Elizabeth about this groomsman? Is it a passing fancy?”
I could only hope my own attraction to Arabella would be so fleeting.
“It very well could be,” she said. “I brought it up, but instead of answering, she claimed she’d left a candle burning in her room and fled my side to extinguish it.”
“Do you plan to speak to your father about it?”
“I do hate to upset him prematurely. I thought to wait a few days after you left before I broached the subject. Not that I am rushing you away.”
“No, I understand. It will be too much for him at once.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
I ran my hands down my thighs and rested them on my knees. “I haven’t spoken with your father yet, but I intend to.”
“I believe you.”
I raised my brows.
“Don’t look so shocked. Last night . . . last night was nice. I admit, you’re not the same ill-tempered boy I remember.”
I grinned at her. “I was only a merciless tease with you, you know. No one got under my skin like you did.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I considered myself a sweet girl until you were around. You brought out the worst in me.” She smiled. “You still do.”
I sucked in my breath through my teeth. “If I did not apologize enough last night, I will continue to do so.”
“No, you said sorry at least a dozen times.”
I relaxed into my seat. “We have progressed to mature adults who can have civil conversations. We should be very proud of ourselves.”
Her look turned uncomfortable. “So you have forgiven me for pushing you in the lake?”
I shifted toward her. “I forgive you for all your wicked pranks.”
“Wicked?” Arabella sputtered. “They were not as wicked as yours. You used to pull my hair.”
“The perfect excuse to touch it. It’s astonishingly soft.”
“Your charm won’t work on me. I know you weren’t thinking of how soft my hair was when you were ten or twelve or even fourteen.”
I shrugged. “Maybe when I was fourteen.”
She shook her head. “I don’t believe it.”
“Very well, then I have something I cannot believe either. You enjoy books now?”
She folded her hands together in her lap—a hand I wanted to clasp in my own. “If we are being honest now, then yes. I do. The truth is . . . well, the truth is that I’ve always loved to read. I didn’t want you to know we had something in common when we were younger.”
I gaped at her. “You aren’t deceiving me again? You’ve truly liked books since you were a child?”
“Books have always been my greatest joy.”
“Then why did you burn a book that day in the library?”
Arabella winced. “You saw that?”
“It haunts my dreams.”
She did not laugh this time or even smile. “That wasn’t a good day.”
“What happened?”
“We might be starting on a fresh page, you and I, but we are not so good of friends yet that I want to confess all my secrets.”
Her tone was full of jest, but her words did not settle. A few weeks ago, I could have let her silence alone. Now, I wanted to be her very best secret keeper; the one she told everything to. Her hesitation served to remind me that though we were friends, we were nothing more.
“Someday,” I said.
“Someday?” she repeated in question.
I nodded. “Someday I hope you’ll feel safe enough with me to tell me.”
I don’t know why I said it. She was marrying someone else, and I was leaving. When would she have the chance to learn to trust me? I stood and forced a smile. “I should see if I can find your father. Excuse me.”