Chapter 25
Sometimes I wonder if biology got it wrong, because what did I do to deserve Sonnet or this pack?
They’re all so good. Even Kai. But I’ve done nothing in the time I’ve known each of them to be worthy as their alpha.
They were all following me and I lead them straight off a cliff, and a part of me hopes they’ll never follow me again.
Sonnet was beautiful. His perfect little mate who, in such a short time, had become the muse to his every song. He had managed to write lyrics to two new songs, and he could only imagine a lifetime more. He just couldn’t imagine being worthy of a lifetime.
He cleared his throat, checked his watch, and sighed. They were running late.
After scolding Felix and Kai for taking so long, he managed to convince Sonnet to wait in the car with him.
She had her pink hair pulled back into two long, messy braids with some strands sticking out on her forehead.
She was wearing white short overalls, one strap unbuttoned, and a baby blue t-shirt.
Zayden leaned closer to her without meaning to, and he noticed for the first time that she wore a layer of concealer under her eyes and that her lip gloss smelled like watermelon.
“What?” She asked sharply, which made the corner of Zayden’s lips twitch.
She was so grumpy in the morning.
He hummed softly, pulling back and looking behind him as the boys were getting into a tiff on the front porch. It was too early in the morning for him to even try to break it up.
“I didn’t know you wore makeup,” he said matter-of-factly.
She huffed. “Don’t tell me you’re going to be one of those guys who tries to convince me I don’t need makeup, that I’d look prettier all natural, just because you think it’s some weird heroic thing to say?”
He chuckled.
I like our mate spunky.
“No. I’m not.”
“Good.” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared. “I get bags under my eyes. I’ve tried every skin care routine, but it doesn’t matter. Summer used to tease me and say I looked like I stayed up each night studying, but she knew that couldn’t be true because I never studied.”
“You didn’t?”
She smiled shyly. “I guess you could say I was my dog ate my homework kid. That’s why I never went to college.
I preferred the dog over the schoolwork.
” Zayden absorbed every word that tumbled from her mouth.
She talked almost as much as Jude did, getting carried away.
It was cute. Way cuter than when Jude did it.
“I kind of always pictured myself opening one of those doggy day care centers. I think that would be a cool promotion from a dog walker, and I wouldn’t need a college degree for it.
You and Felix have a degree, don’t you?”
Zayden cleared his throat. “Yeah. Well, Felix has two bachelor's degrees and is considering going to school for his master's.”
Zayden cringed. That was another agonizing reminder of his failures, because a year ago Felix was going to start his Master's, but then Zayden bulldozed his plans, and he hadn’t gone back since.
“And you?”
He cleared his throat. “I have my AA.”
Zayden was the opposite of Sonnet. He loved school.
It was how Felix and him became friends in college, because they were both total teacher pets.
But he was young and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life like any twenty-year old, so he dropped out to pursue the one thing he did like which was music.
Now he was older, he knew more about himself, and he couldn’t help but wish he knew everything back then.
Sometimes he wished he would never have become a musician so that he could pursue something else.
Fuck. That's so stupid.
“Hey!” He barked, just as Kai was about to pummel Jude, with Felix looking like the exhausted mother behind his two bratty children. “Get in the car.”
They all loaded up, and Zayden zoned everyone out as he drove them to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. About a forty-minute drive, with everyone in the car engaging in conversation, even Kai with his snide comments and scoffs.
When he pulled up, everyone got out of the car except for her. Sonnet swiveled her head, her eyes softer, her expression livelier than when they had left.
She pinched her eyes and mouth. “You really can’t come in with us? We can go do something else and save the aquarium for another day.”
“No, that’s okay. The aquarium is Jude’s favorite, and he’s not very patient.”
“He isn’t,” she laughed, her hand reaching for the door handle but pausing. “What’s your favorite thing to do at the beach? I mean, you know everyone else’s, but what’s yours?”
Mine?
Zayden’s eyebrows furrowed together. “I, uh…I don’t know.”
She’s going to hate that answer.
“Perfect!”
He blinked, then blinked again. “Huh?”
“You're a mystery, Zayden, and I’m going to demystify you. By the end of this trip, I’m going to make sure you have a favorite and that we all know what it is for next time.”
She opened the door and stepped out; the air lodged in his throat. “Next time?”
She didn’t hear him. “I’ll make sure to buy you something at the gift shop,” she promised, holding out her pinkie finger and wiggling it before closing the door.
All four of them stood at the sidewalk, none of them turning their backs or walking away until he had driven out of view. None of them. Not even that punk, Kai, with his hands shoved into his pockets and a scowl on his face.
If even Kai was willing to stand there, then Zayden had to be the problem in all of this. Which is what Dr. Burdough was going to find out for herself.
It felt fitting that Zayden was the first booked appointment, and the entire drive back into town to meet with Dr. Borough was spent considering every direction the conversation could go.
By the time he made it into her office, he felt exhausted from the conversation he had simulated in his mind, and he felt worried he wouldn’t have anything to contribute during this session.
When Dr. Burdough sat down, tucked her glasses up on her nose, and clicked her pen; he knew she meant business.
She was intense. Too intense. Zayden lost count of how many times he avoided eye contact and cleared his throat. He had never been trapped in such a tangling silence before, and he almost missed the migraines brought on by his pack.
Where was Jude to talk someone’s ear off when he needed him?
Zayden popped his knuckles for the fifth time—another terrible habit—and raised his eyes to the clock. It had only been ten minutes into the hour-long session. Fuck.
Dr. Burdough smiled, and he hated it, because it was a smile that said she knew something just from the ten minutes of silence.
“I’ve noticed you have quite a few anxious tics. Would you consider yourself an anxious individual?”
“No,” he said, way too quickly. “I have things I get anxious about, but, uh, I wouldn’t say I’m anxious. I’m just normal. Like everyone else.”
“Normal.” She hummed and wrote something down.
He popped his knuckles again and refrained from pinching the bridge of his nose as his familiar migraine started.
“It’s common for lead alphas, especially in packs that are still young, like yours, to feel anxiety.
You admitted feeling anxious about things.
Would these things be related to the responsibilities of a lead alpha? ”
He tried to answer more slowly. “No.” And failed.
He cleared his throat and shifted on the leather seat. He hated leather couches, yet they had one back home. They should never have spent money on a decorator. Now their house is dark and empty.
“Can you explain to me situations that do make you anxious, then?”
Easy. Making decisions that would impact his pack, barking orders, breaking up fights, being an emotionally centered and mature anchor to ground everyone, because he was supposed to be confident and know what to do, but he only knew how to make things worse.
And then there was Sonnet, and everything about Sonnet made him feel like he was swallowing a swarm of angry butterflies.
Tell her the truth.
He tangled his hands into his long hair and groaned. He should just cut it off. Or, maybe like Kai, cut ties with everyone and everything and start over where he didn’t have to lead anyone ever again. “I guess there is a correlation between my anxiety and being a lead alpha.”
“Would you like to elaborate on these correlations?”
“Not really.”
She chuckled. “That’s okay. I understand. I won’t dig in that area, but I do have some other areas I’d like to open up. Think of these beginning meetings as me locating the wound, and then we re-open them, and then we start properly healing them.”
Oh boy.
Okay, I agree. That sounds awful. Good luck.
Jackass.
“There’s no pressure right now. Just questions that do not need deep answers or explanations. Shall I continue?”
Zayden nodded his head, painfully. “Yes.”
“Then, I’d like to switch over to discussing Juliana.”
“I change my mind.”
She smiled and tapped her pen against her notebook while Zayden considered jumping out the window. Here, he thought he would handle therapy with much more openness and dignity than he was currently showing.
“Your pack went through quite the scandal with the rising actress, Juliana. The tabloids were running every story possible. However, Juliana is not my client, and I do not run my business on rumors. I want to know your story. Tell me, how did you first meet her, and what was your thought process to initiating a meet and greet with your pack and her?”
His story with Juliana?
An hour wasn’t long enough to cover the chaos that she embodied.
It felt wrong to think about Juliana when he had his omega, but Dr. Burdough was right. Juliana was only a part of his life for four months, and yet it felt like she took up half of his life.
Her scent was nothing like Sonnet’s. Juliana’s scent was dark, rich, like walking into a luxurious perfume store. Luxurious was definitely the perfect word to describe Juliana, and that was what first drew him to her.
The pack had only been a pack for two years, yet everyone was desperate and ready to find their purpose; their mate.
Zayden was feeling that pressure, especially when every girl his pack met before her was an automatic no.
Kai was the worst out of everyone, saying no for any small reason.
No one would know it now, but he was the biggest hopeless romantic.
When Zayden met Juliana at the club, she was the first omega whose scent didn’t make him feel anything, and at the time, he convinced himself it was a sign. He didn’t believe they’d find a Link match, and he wanted that for them. He wanted that so bad. God, he was so blind to everything.
“She bought me a drink,” he said softly, folding and unfolding his hands together, staring at all the ink covering his knuckles.
“She knew right away what I liked. Said alcohol was a hobby of hers, and when I brought her to our house a week after meeting her, she brought each of us a bottle of something she thought we’d like. ”
“And did they?”
He flinched. “No.”
“How did they react?”
“They were polite,” he rushed. “They tried hard to like her. I planned three dates and they all willingly came and willingly tried.”
“What changed?”
“I, uh…”
I took advantage of their willingness to try.
After that third date, all three of them told Zayden how they felt.
They knew Juliana wasn’t the one, and they didn’t want her to be, and they all had valid reasons for it, and yet…
Zayden took advantage of them. Four more dates he made them go on before Felix and Jude sank into contentment, and he took advantage of that, moving Juliana into their house without even asking for permission because he knew what they would say.
I knew.
“How did you feel about Juliana?” She asked, her pen scribbling.
“Fine. I mean, she’s a beautiful girl with high taste and a love for the spotlight.
The opposite of who I am, but at the time, our band was still new.
We were all playing a part, a character, and I felt like Juliana made that feeling of pretending a bit better.
Worth it, almost, if it meant having a mate. ”
“Ah, I see. What was it about having a mate that made you make the decisions you did?”
“My pack. They were ready to have an omega to bond us together.”
“And you?”
He looked up, guilt lodged in the center of his throat. “To be honest, I just wanted a mate to make me feel secure in my position as lead alpha.”
He was expecting a reaction, perhaps a scolding, but Dr. Burdough remained neutral. “Is that why you were drawn to Juliana? Because her character felt like a validation of your position and leadership?”
“Yes.”
“I see. Then, I guess the question is, what happened before Juliana that sparked this insecurity of yours that made you seek validation from someone other than yourself and your alpha.”
Before Juliana?
But Zayden always thought his insecurity and anxiety came after her.
Shit. Everything he did, all those stupid decisions that led to Juliana, he never even thought about why he made them. He had been stuck on everything that happened afterwards. He never even stopped to think why everything happened the way it did.
Dr. Burdough asked another question, but Zayden couldn’t recover in time. Five minutes of silence blurred past them before the sound of Dr. Burdough closing her notebook made him look up.
“This was a promising first session, Zayden. Thank you for being willing to participate and trusting me with your past, thoughts, and feelings. I was most curious about how my sessions with you would go, and I’d like to leave you with hope, because I see a very happy future for you.”
She saw hope?
Thank God, his alpha howled, because after all of that, I feel like we’re more screwed than before.
His shoulders sagged as he walked out of her office. Really?
No! I feel like she’s right. This is going to be a long, terrible journey. But she’s right. I see a happy future for us, too. One with our pack and our mate. I hope by the end of the month you’ll see it, too.
Zayden said nothing, but he felt a bit more relaxed and completely exhausted. Therapy was hard work, and he felt almost entitled to be paid for it.