Chapter 33
Through this process, I’ve discovered I have a habit of digging my issues in a deep hole, but it’s not a proper burial.
There’s no headstone, no funeral, no parting words.
I’m letting myself be haunted, yet I carry the illusion that I am perfect, content, and satisfied.
If Sonnet or my brothers could only see the ghosts I carry, how would they treat me?
Dr. Burdough meant business, and she was not willing to let any of them half-ass their way out of the mess they’d created.
Felix felt like applauding her for her intelligence and blunt execution, but he was also caught in her determined stare, and a lump was beginning to form in the back of his throat.
Felix clutched his journal tightly. He was slightly embarrassed by how many pages he had managed to fill, some insightful, others metaphorical, and others ending in the middle of a thought.
Writing had always been a more soothing way to work through his inner issues, but now he couldn’t hide behind his pen and paper.
Dr. Burdough cleared her throat, ending the painfully long stretch of silence.
“I’ve gone over all my notes concerning each of your individual meetings for our first week together, and I must say, I see a very hopeful and clear path forward.
Each of you has been very vulnerable, and I am thankful.
I’d now like to push on that vulnerability and create a space for honesty and openness. I’d like to talk about Juliana.”
All four of them looked at each other, and Felix wondered if they were even half as annoyed as he was to hear her name. He was ready to bury it and walk away for good.
“I’ve discovered that each of you has interpreted Juliana as the destruction of your relationship.
However, I have a different perspective, which is that she may have caused the crack, but deeper problems solidified your issues.
” Dr. Burdough fixed her notepad on her lap and sighed.
“I’d like us all to walk through the Juliana situation together, so that later we may leave her behind and walk forward into the real, raw issues keeping your pack from coming together. ”
She’s caught us.
Good. This is what we need.
Felix kept a tight hold on his notebook and tried to settle into his sofa.
Kai sat closest to the door, like he was preparing to bolt out of it during any minor, uncomfortable moment.
Zayden wasn’t far behind, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.
Jude leaned forward, welcoming any moment of difficulty with a determined grin.
This was going to make for an interesting first group therapy appointment.
Zayden was forced to go first and recount when he met Juliana and all the time he spent with her.
He kept it vague, factual, to the point, and leaned far from the rest of them.
Dr. Burdough stopped him just as he spoke about bringing her home to meet the guys for the first time for their first group date.
“And how was the first date?” she asked.
Felix frowned. He didn’t remember it being too exciting.
Juliana was one of the first omegas whose scent didn’t make him uncomfortable, but that was because her scent had no importance.
It was bland, boring, and unassuming. He remembered her calling it luxurious, and Felix remembered thinking he’d never spend money on a bottle of perfume that didn’t have a lasting scent.
“She was bold,” he ended up stating, shifting on the couch uncomfortably and looking at Kai and Jude for their opinion as well.
“She wore bold clothing and said bold things. I was impressed by how she held herself. She very much owned her confidence and treated the date like a gift she was giving us, not the other way around.”
“That’s one way to put it,” Kai scoffed.
“How would you put it?” asked Dr. Burdough.
“She was arrogant, entitled. I hated that.” Kai growled and glared over at the three of them. “I didn’t want a second date. I knew right away she wasn’t our omega.”
Dr. Burdough listened carefully before flipping through all the notes she’d taken.
She looked up and pointed at Jude, Zayden, and Felix.
“I understand Zayden was more willing and eager to pursue her. What happened during or after the first date that made the two of you more accepting of trying again?”
“I trust Zayden,” Jude said quickly.
Not past tense. Presence.
Did Felix feel the same way?
He loved Zayden and considered him a great leader, but he hardly even recognized him as one of his best friends or brothers now. Zayden was struggling hard, and in that struggle, Felix realized he was losing faith, and worst of all, trust.
“Zayden felt confident about Juliana,” Jude continued.
“She did have a very bold personality that I wasn’t sure I liked, but I know all of us were really trying to find our mate.
We’ve had a lot of bad first dates. Juliana was the first one who wasn’t horrible, and since Zayden wanted to keep trying with her, I was hopeful. ”
“I agree,” Felix said.
“And?” Dr. Burdough pushed, her eyes settling on Felix. “With your agreement, what part would you say allowed you to accept Juliana into your home only a month after dating her. Was it the hope or trust?”
“Both. It was both. Hope, trust, and desperation.”
“What makes a very young, successful pack so desperate to complete an official bonding that you allow a woman to move in whom none of you were completely sold on?”
“I didn’t allow anything,” Kai growled. “I didn’t know until she showed up with all her bags and boxes and barked at me to help carry them inside.”
Felix frowned. The truth was, Felix and Jude didn’t know either, but they knew sooner than Kai did.
Zayden had told them the day before what he had decided, calling it a necessary decision as the lead alpha, and at the time, Felix still trusted him to make healthy decisions for their pack.
But Kai’s anger was valid. Felix would never forget the moment Kai saw Juliana outside their house, realizing what Zayden had done, and how his expression fell into complete betrayal and misery.
Zayden cleared his throat. “It wasn’t the pack. It was me. It was my desperation.”
“Don’t stop. Keep going with that thought.”
Zayden looked pale and miserable, but Felix caught Jude leaning his shoulder into him for comfort.
“I felt the pressure to ensure we had a mate to keep our bond strong and healthy. With so many failed dates before Juliana, I didn’t want to lose her as a potential match.
The only match that, before Sonnet, made the most sense. ”
“Most sense?” Kai rolled his eyes, and his hands tightened into fists. “I didn’t want her in our home. I didn’t want to mate with her. You knew that.”
“I thought with time—”
“Shut up. I’m so sick and tired of your excuses. And I’m tired of being the only one pissed off about it all.”
“You’re not the only one.” Dr. Burdough tilted her head, an unassuming yet confident smile forming on her lips. “I overheard a very revealing conversation between Jude and Zayden yesterday.”
Jude’s face turned bright pink. “You heard that?”
“I keep a very close eye and ear on all my clients,” she hummed. “I want to know when you felt the height of that anger, Jude, towards the situation and your pack mates.”
“Jude? Angry?” Kai scoffed.
Even Felix was surprised. He had, at times, been very emotional and showed signs of depression towards the end of their relationship with Juliana and the fall of their pack, but he always seemed to pick himself up. Did he struggle like Felix did to express how much he truly felt hatred?
“Yes, angry. I tried really hard to make everything work and fix everything without being in anyone's way. I tried to like Juliana, make her feel at home, and make sure she wasn’t stepping on our toes and crossing boundaries. I really tried. But then Kai had to throw that stupid party, and it all fell apart, and no one gave a crap about me or how I felt or what I had done.”
Felix’s eyebrows narrowed. When he thought about it, Jude was at the back burner of it all. He smiled so much that when shit hit the fan, he was forgotten about.
Fuck. Even Felix forgot to check in on him or to validate what he did for the pack during and after their failed attempt to find a mate.
No wonder Jude was so surprised Felix wanted to make this work with the pack and Sonnet. Until that moment, Felix hadn’t bothered to say or do anything encouraging to show that he didn’t want the pack to break up.
“That party and the night Juliana left seemed to be what you all consider the thorn of your problems. I want to dive into that party specifically and understand each of your perspectives. Kai. Why did you decide to throw such an elaborate party?”
Kai smirked proudly, leaning back and crossed his ankles. “I knew it would piss Juliana enough that she’d want to leave, and she did.”
“You threw the party to make a statement for Juliana, or for your pack?”
He choked. “What?”
“It just seems to me that the statement of your party may have been an attempt to make Juliana flee, but in a greater attempt to get the attention of your packmates. To push your perspective, is there any possibility that your bold attempt wasn’t just to make the lady flee, but to finally be heard by your pack, and most of all Zayden? ”
Kai looked appalled, and it would be an amusing expression if the situation weren’t so serious. He opened and closed his mouth numerous times before shrinking down onto the sofa, defeated.
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “Maybe.”
Dr. Burdough nodded, satisfied. “Felix. What was your perspective on the party? What were your thoughts and feelings?”
Now Felix is sick. That party was one of those annoying memories he tried to keep buried and had failed.
“I was annoyed, which had been building up the last few days. I had just returned from a trip to see my grandparents, and all I wanted to do was go to bed. When I got home and saw the shit-show of a party, I was ticked.”
Not just ticked, livid. Felix wasn’t great at expressing himself, but anger came the quickest, especially that night.
The pack had a rule that parties had to be approved by everyone, and it was always a meticulous task.
Even Maddox had to approve the guest list to preserve their reputation, one that Kai practically destroyed that night by inviting loud, obnoxious party animals who drank themselves into fools and took no issue with openly doing drugs, another broken rule in their house, since the pack took an oath not to consume anything of the sort.
It was no wonder that Juliana called them drug addicts and alcoholics. From that party alone, it was easy to spread rumors like wildfire.
As obnoxious as Juliana was, she also held herself to high standards, the one thing Felix did appreciate about her character. That party alone and the destruction it had on their house and reputation was enough to make her pack up her bags and flee in an embarrassed rage.
Kai may have had valid reasons to feel betrayed by Zayden and even by the rest of them, but that night, Felix felt betrayed, too.
Especially when he found some of his deceased mother’s jewelry stolen by some of the party members.
It took him months and the help of investigators to track down every missing piece, which was now all in a safe at the bank.
Thinking about it all made him tired all over again and ashamed.
If he had only recognized and acknowledged Kai’s struggle, he would never have acted out.
“I’m the one who started the fight,” Felix said, the weight of his words heavy in his mouth. “I called the police to kick everyone out, getting a few in trouble even, and when Kai tried fleeing to his bedroom, I’m the one who sought him out and initiated the fight.”
“And what did you say to him?”
Felix sighed. “Things I shouldn’t have. Things I regret.
” He finally looked at Kai, who was doing everything to avoid him.
“I didn’t understand why you threw that party.
I was angry and should have waited before speaking.
Everything I called you, everything I said, I think I felt more that way about myself than I did you.
Because at the end of the day, I didn’t want Juliana in our house either, but I was too loyal and too prideful to say or do anything. ”
Kai finally looked at him, and for the first time, Felix saw actual hope flash in his eyes. Hope and forgiveness, and gratefulness.
All along, Felix thought of him as a childish adult acting out, but for someone who overthought so much, he never stopped to think why Kai was acting out.
Felix proved to be more selfish than he thought, and even though he was too much of a coward to say it out loud, he made himself a promise that he would come out of himself and be a part of this pack and a part of his brothers’ lives.
This wasn’t just about getting to a place where he could properly love Sonnet.
No. This was about strengthening his love for his brothers, too.