Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Aurelia
W hen I retire to my chambers at the end of the evening, Jinalle and Eusette are waiting to tend to me. They murmur pleasantries as they help pull off the elaborate dress and the heavy jewelry that adored my neck and hair. Then they carefully unpin the brown strands so they tumble free across my shoulders for the first time since this morning.
“What will you wear for the emperor’s confirmation rite tomorrow?” Eusette asks, peering into my wardrobe. “I think the blue gown would look very fine.”
Jinalle hums to herself and peeks at me shyly. “Or maybe that lovely green one, to match Estera’s colors in her honor?”
The thought of tomorrow’s ceremony makes my stomach clench. I’m glad that we’re getting on with seeing Marclinus officially confirmed as emperor, which will also solidify my place as his wife. But what can I expect from the civilians who’ll be watching us every step of the way?
How many of them still feel the same way as whoever hurled that bloody animal organ at my mourning dress? What else can I do to prove to them that I support their new emperor and the empire?
If there was a potion that could win over the hearts of a country permanently, I’d be making it right now.
I contemplate the two suggested dresses in the wardrobe. The midnight blue silk will emphasize my eyes and set off my tanned skin nicely, but I do like the idea of showing my respects to the godlen we’re appealing to. Not that Estera, overseer of learning and wisdom, generally cares all that much about fashion.
It’s a light grass-green that reminds me of Elox’s peaceful fields. I can honor my own godlen at the same time.
“Let’s go with the green.” I reach for my nightgown where it’s folded on my dressing table. “Thank you for your help. I can take care of my washing up on my own.”
My maids curtsy and slip out of my bedroom with no sign of offense. After a few days in their role, they’re already used to my independent streak.
The moment the door has shut behind them, I exhale in relief. For a brief time, I have no one to perform for.
A familiar pain fills my chest. It’d be better if I could be myself with company once in a while. To sit here and chat with Rochelle like I used to as she brushed my hair or fixed my gowns so they emphasized all of my figure’s best qualities…
I couldn’t tell her everything, but I could be so much more open with her than with any of the other ladies of the court. She gave up so much so I could make it to this point.
There’s no way left for me to repay her. I can’t secret her off to the medic she’d fallen for. I couldn’t even see to a proper funeral. Tarquin sent her savaged body to her home province before I was in any position to have a say.
Even having Cici, my maid from Accasy, by my side would be a comfort. But as the idea flits through my head that I could summon her back now that I’m empress, I’m already dismissing it.
I can’t drag her into all the dangers I’m facing here. When I still have so little sway over my own fate, it would be pure selfishness.
Until I can establish my standing with both Marclinus and his people, I can’t offer any real protection to anyone I care about.
The last thing Rochelle said to me was that I have to win. The trials may be over, but I haven’t truly triumphed yet.
I can do that much for her and everyone else who’s counting on me.
Right now, though, I don’t even know whether my husband intends to call on me tonight.
My thumb rubs over the side of my ring, too lightly to trigger the needle that dips into the hidden cavity. Then I reach for my nightgown and tug it on.
Perhaps if I’m already in bed and at least appear to be asleep when Marclinus comes by, he’ll leave me to my rest rather than disturbing me. There’ll be no need for the full pretense, no need to share my chambers with him.
It’s a small chance, but better than none at all.
I hurry over to the expansive bathing room at the far end of my chambers. On the threshold, I jerk to a halt. My hand shoots to the gilded doorframe to grasp for balance.
Lorenzo stands up from where he was perched on the edge of the empty marble bathtub. The prince’s dark gaze holds mine, his stance tense as if braced for my reaction.
My heart restarts at twice its usual pace. All my thoughts about Marclinus barging in come racing back to me, sending the frantic thudding right up my throat.
I take a step into the room to make it even less likely that the guards stationed outside will hear my voice, as low as I keep it. The door to my apartments is thick, but I don’t want to take a single unnecessary risk.
“What are you doing in here? Marclinus could come by any second—even if you hide yourself, his guards will sense your magic?—”
Lorenzo stays where he is on the other side of the tub. It yawns like a chasm between us.
His hand jerks through the air to cut me off. It’s okay.
As anxious as I am, I can’t help frowning at him. “It’s not. It was risky enough when you all would sneak into my old rooms, but now…”
The prince attempts another gesture that he aborts partway through, perhaps realizing that what he needs to say is too complicated to convey by his more furtive means.
His illusionary voice, the rich baritone I haven’t heard since he asked me to run away with him, resonates into my head. “Raul is distracting Marclinus. He promised I’d have until at least the eleventh bell to speak with you uninterrupted.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “I don’t see how he could guarantee that.”
Although knowing how the princes look out for each other, I find it hard to believe Raul would have made the promise if he wasn’t sure he could follow through.
Lorenzo simply shrugs. We eye each other across the tub, which suddenly feels tiny compared to the vast gulf my refusal opened up between us days ago.
A lump rises in my throat. It’s still difficult for me to imagine that I won so much affection and devotion from any of these men that they were willing to throw away their entire future to be with me .
But Lorenzo was. And I turned my back on him. I wouldn’t make a different decision even now.
What am I supposed to say to him?
“Was there something specific you wanted to talk about?” I ask tentatively.
It’s hard to read the emotions that travel across Lorenzo’s deep brown face. His jaw flexes, his gaze flicking down and up again, his stance swaying slightly as if he almost stepped closer but thought better of it.
“Raul says you dealt with Tarquin. That you stayed here in order to do it.”
I never admitted to the murder in so many words even to Raul, as accepting as he was of the act. My lungs constrict against the idea of voicing my crime out loud.
How much loyalty can I count on from a man whose heart I broke?
I lift my chin toward Lorenzo. “Does the possibility bother you? He told me that you all were planning to do the same for years before I ever showed up.”
“Because we were angry and a little scared, and it seemed like the whole continent would be better off without Tarquin, back then. Now it’s just been handed over to Marclinus.”
The despair in his words wrenches at me. Gazing back into his dark eyes, I see those boys of ten or eleven years old whispering in hallways and secret rooms. Planning their immense sacrifices around the idea of bringing down their tormenter and saving their kingdoms.
Watching that dream crumble to dust just a few years later when the eldest of them snapped and fell in a bloody heap at a stab of a guard’s sword.
Despite the tension between us, I want to challenge that despair. Perhaps because I’ve teetered so close to the edge of it myself.
My voice softens. “And I’m married to him. I’d think I have a better chance of steering the empire in a more peaceful direction as the emperor’s wife than as Tarquin’s daughter-in-law.”
Lorenzo is silent for a moment, simply staring at me. “And that’s what you intended to be, as quickly as possible, all along.”
The lump in my throat expands until I feel as if I’ll choke. I will it down as well as I can. “I never lied to you. I told you I had to marry Marclinus. I told you I was here to do whatever I could to see my country—and yours—have a better future. I just didn’t tell you exactly how far I was willing to go.”
“But you… You’re dedicated to the godlen of healing . You were always trying to stop the violence…”
My mouth twists. “I didn’t say I enjoyed what was required of me. But Elox gave his blessing. You aren’t very familiar with him if you think I’ve strayed from his teachings. He’s always believed that violence is sometimes necessary to save more lives in the end. I’m the one who could come here. I’m the one who could clear the way. So I did.”
Lorenzo’s expression twitches. All at once, he strides around the tub. His expression is so intense, my body goes rigid when he reaches for my arm. “Lorenzo, don’t?—”
He freezes with his hand simply touching my elbow. “I’m not going to hurt you, Rell. I wouldn’t. I just— It’s not only up to you. I’m here with you now. I might not be able to do much, but I can hold you and take on a little of that burden. It shouldn’t have been all yours to begin with.”
The fond nickname brings a burn of tears to the back of my eyes. I blink hard, my heart still thudding fast, but I’m not sure what there really is to be afraid of now.
Ever so tentatively, I tilt toward Lorenzo. With a raw sound, he gathers me against his chest.
I rest my forehead against his shoulders and breathe in the warm, tangy scent I’ve missed. My next words come up in a mumble muffled by his shirt. “I’m sorry.”
The prince’s embrace tightens. “ I’m sorry. I was thinking too much about what would make me happiest and not enough about what matters to you. I should have known you well enough to be sure you had good reasons.”
“I mean, the whole point was for it to not look as if I could have had anything to do with it, so I can’t really blame you for having trouble believing I did.”
“Raul knew. I should have trusted him and you more.”
A soft laugh tumbles out of me. “Well, he hasn’t always been right about me, so I think you can be forgiven there too.”
Lorenzo draws back a few inches, his fingers brushing over my cheek and his head dipping toward mine. My breath catches with the longing to experience the press of his mouth once more, but a quiver of ice races through my veins at the same time.
I’ve already indulged in more pleasure than I was owed. I have to think about the security of the men I care about as well as my own.
I set my hand on his chest with a gentle nudge, just enough force to halt him. Lorenzo peers down at me with a question in his eyes that he doesn’t need to put into words.
My voice comes out in a whisper. “I want to, but I have to see things through with Marclinus. It’s going to take everything I have if I’m going to win him over enough to make a difference. I can’t afford to lose focus. And… and I don’t want to put you in any danger.”
I already lost my head once with Raul. I swore I’d fortify my self-control.
Lorenzo knits his brow. “I don’t want to put you at any more risk than you already are. You don’t have to worry about me. Whatever you need from me, I’ll be happy to give it. Happy that I’m finally accomplishing something that might matter.”
“I know. It’s only—with that?—”
I stumble over my words, the ache in my chest squeezing tighter.
But maybe Lorenzo should know this. He’s shared his heart the most freely with me from the start.
Knowing my history might make it easier for him to keep his distance when it’ll keep him safe.
I can’t quite bring myself to pull right out of his embrace. My head droops, my cheek grazing his jaw.
“I thought once that I could have love and everything that comes with it. When I was sixteen, there was a man just a little older than me who joined the palace guard back home. He was often posted outside when I’d go for walks in the grounds, and we spoke a little, and then when he was off duty, he’d join me… I’d meet him secretly at night. After we’d been seeing each other for over a year, we started talking about running away together.”
Lorenzo strokes his fingers up and down my back in a soothing caress. He asks his question with a gentle twist of his other hand within my view: What happened?
“We got to the point of making detailed plans. I convinced myself that leaving wouldn’t be betraying my kingdom—that I’d find other ways of helping Accasy without needing to act as a princess…”
I wince at my past delusion. “He took a trip home to visit his family outside the capital. There was some kind of altercation with Darium soldiers who were passing through—he stepped in when they were harassing a couple of locals—it ended in a fight. One of them stabbed him right through the heart.”
Lorenzo hisses a breath through his teeth and pulls me back into an emphatic hug .
It’s been long enough, the pain dulled enough, that only a faint prickle touches my eyes with the memories. I just need this man to understand. “That’s what happened the last time I got selfish and put my desires over the duty that comes with all the privileges I was born into. That’s what happened to the man I built those fantasies around. I can’t let it happen again.”
“It wasn’t because of you or any plans you made. Those fucking soldiers ? —”
“It was their fault too,” I agree. “Theirs and Emperor Tarquin’s for letting them run wild up north. But I knew what was right, and I ignored it. If I hadn’t been dallying with him, he might have gone home at a different time or felt less bold—or perhaps even one of the godlen took offense and somehow nudged events to turn out that way.”
Lorenzo lets out a dismissive grunt. “You’re never responsible for anything that happens to me, Rell. I make my own decisions. I’d rather be punished for taking a stand with you than stay safe at a cowardly distance.”
“I don’t know what stand there is to take. I had no idea what Marclinus would be like when I came here—I had nothing specific planned beyond getting to this point. He’s so… set in his ways. Everyone in court is equally self-serving. The rest of the country doesn’t know what to make of me. I’m still figuring out how I can get anything important done.”
A little of my worry must bleed into my tone. Lorenzo draws back to gaze into my eyes, his own steady and determined. “I’ve known Marclinus since he was twelve. He was already much the way he is now. Sometimes he’d ignore me; sometimes he’d prod at me until I couldn’t bear it and ran away. But he did seem to care what Tarquin thought. If he could listen to one important person in his life, he could listen to another .
A little hope blooms inside me at his words. “It might take a long time, if I ever get there.”
“You’ve already done so much so quickly. When you’re ready to make another move, we’ll be here. Me and Raul—and Bastien will come around eventually. He’s just stubborn.”
A wry smile tugs at my lips. I suppose all four of us struggle with that particular fault. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
“Don’t apologize. You need what you need. I can figure out how to take joy in your presence even if it has to be from afar.”
Beyond the palace, ten peals of the city bells ring out. Lorenzo cocks his head, an avid glint coming into his eyes. “It isn’t very much compared to your heroics, but do you want to see how I’ve made the court pay in the small ways I can?”
Curiosity tugs at my gut. “Absolutely. But we can’t walk out the door when?—”
“We don’t need to. I work from the hidden passages.”
The prince ushers me across my bedroom and opens the secret panel that he must have entered through. When I step into the passage after him, the narrow space closes around us. The dim enchanted glow washes over us like twilight.
I try not to think about the passion I shared with Raul here just a few nights ago or how much I’d like to pull Lorenzo to me now.
As the prince of Rione guides me through the passages, his illusionary voice quiets as if he’s being more cautious of his power slipping away from him. “I learned in the first couple years of having my gift that I could cast illusions into people’s minds even when they’re asleep. Which is a very convenient time, since they’ll assume that anything they encountered in that state was only a natural dream. Or nightmare, as the case may be.”
“You disrupt a lot of the nobles’ slumber, do you?” I murmur with amusement.
“Only when they deserve it. Unfortunately, a lot of them do a lot of the time. It’s convenient that there are plenty of unnerving folk stories and supernatural tales in the library to offer inspiration.”
Ah, so that’s why he lurks in the library nearly as often as Bastien does. “Who are we paying a call on now?”
“I think Lord Connus, one of the viceroys’ sons, is a fair choice. His rooms aren’t far over from yours one flight down, and he was trying to goad Neven this afternoon.”
“Sounds reasonable to me.”
We ease down a cramped flight of stairs and stop several paces over from it. Lorenzo leans toward the wood-lined wall. I can barely make out his features in the darkened space, but I feel the concentration tensing his body.
After a few minutes, a wavering cry sounds in the room on the other side, loud enough to filter through the wall. It’s followed by another, and then a wordless shout as Lord Connus must thrash awake.
Lorenzo lets out a faint chuckle. I grin at him, and he beams back at me as if my approval has doubled the victory.
It might not be much, but it is something. Little by little, we can pick away at them.
Even a mountain crumbles in time.