Chapter 5
I had a long plank of wood out, and I was in the process of reinforcing it and attaching the wheels.
I had pulled Rend out of storage, and the large meatball immediately moved to the side of the road and fell in the water, trying to eat the pieces of manatee gore.
I’d had to jump in to haul him out. The damn thing weighed a literal ton.
Now I had him sitting on the cart, using his weight while I secured a crossbeam.
He giggled furiously every time the drill made the board vibrate.
Donut was complaining loudly about how much he now smelled because he’d gotten the bug’s innards on him.
I had Donut keep Mongo in the truck. We weren’t allowed to steal each other’s vehicles, but it was good to have security just in case. Mongo was not a fan of the arrangement. He had discovered the horn on the food truck and he kept banging into it.
Unfortunately, the horn wasn’t a normal honk, but a recording of a gangster’s voice saying, Make way for the big shot, followed by a chicken squawk and the rat-a-tat shooting sound of a tommy gun.
It was funny the first time. By the twentieth time, I was ready to go over there and rip the whole horn out.
Across from me, the two bugbears were energized with the thought of not yet dying.
A part of me felt bad about this arrangement because I knew I was helping them now, but I wouldn’t think twice about letting them die during the next race.
I supposed that was the point. The cruelty of this all was a feature, not a bug.
At least they knew this, too, and that somewhat eased the small amount of guilt.
It felt like regression, having to fight against NPCs, especially after the chaos of the last floor.
They were using awakened NPCs for this floor because it actually helped the storyline, not hurt it.
If the NPCs knew they’d be “safe” at the end of this, many would be willing to do anything to win.
But at the same time, the very nature of the floor meant most would end up dead.
It was like a purge of the problem-causing components.
We still had five hours to complete the race, and so far nobody else had come down the road.
“Who are the other teams?” I asked the bugbears as I quickly worked.
“It was dark, and we didn’t get a good view of them,” Jasha said. “We only met the triplets, who are now dead, and the other team. Team Sparkles.”
“Team Sparkles?” Donut asked. She was peering back the way we’d come. “Was that the unicorn? I think they’re coming now.”
Sure enough, a light appeared a moment later. My minimap didn’t have them, but I could soon see the outline of the tumbleweed thing with a unicorn head coming up.
“That’s them,” Jasha said.
As the silhouette approached, I tried to figure out what I was looking at.
The “tumbleweed” part wasn’t rolling but just moving along the ground, like it was magically gliding.
Not fast, but at a steady pace. The head of the unicorn popped out the top, and the second, smaller, rodent-like creature rode on the unicorn’s head.
“What is that thing?” I asked.
“The mount is biological,” Jasha said. “It’s an Avernus Creeper. A plant that walks on the ground with thousands of little feet. Almost like bug.”
“A plant?” Donut asked as the thing approached.
She moved to the center of the road, keeping the under-construction trailer behind her.
Her tiara glittered, and I knew she was using her Sniper ability to examine it better.
The light was coming from a Torch spell similar to Donut’s.
“I bet Mordecai would know all about it.”
“Don’t know how that thing is steering it, honestly,” Jasha said.
“So the unicorn isn’t the mount? It’s the racer?” I asked, watching it approach. “That’s weird.”
As soon as I spoke, it was close enough for me to properly examine it.
Avernus Creeper.
This is the biological mount of Team Sparkles for the purpose of the tenth floor.
This is a tangle of not-quite-sentient vines.
Under normal circumstances, these things are pretty bad news.
They’re loosely related to the Gehenna Brambles you guys loved from the sixth floor.
They’re almost impossible to kill because even a tiny branch or thorn off one will rapidly grow to full size.
Luckily for us all, this particular shrub is limited to half size and is being prevented from procreating outside their garage.
“Names are Dwight and Lucienne,” Jasha said. “We met just before the race. Lucienne is the small one. She’s got a mouth on her.”
The round bunch of brambles came to a stop. Donut remained in the middle of the road.
“Yo, fatty, get out of the road,” the unicorn shouted down at Donut. He had a surprising voice that did not match his colorful exterior. It was a deep, surly, three-packs-a-day Boston accent.
“Fatty?” Donut asked, incredulous. “Are you talking to me?”
The pinkish furry thing on the unicorn’s head had a tail wrapped around the base of the opalescent horn, presumably anchoring it in place.
The thing was just a little smaller than Donut.
She was like a mix between a rat and a chinchilla.
She had two legs, two monkey-like arms, and a rodent head.
She’d have been cute if her vein-covered, red eyes hadn’t been bulging out of her head, giving the impression she was on the verge of literally exploding.
She also wore a mini race-car-driver helmet that was white with a blue stripe down the center.
When the fuzzy, bug-eyed creature spoke, she had a high-pitched French accent completely at odds with the voice of her partner.
“Who else would he be talking to, you corpulent swine?” the rodent shouted. “Move before we are forced to make you roadkill.”
The creature whispered something to Dwight the unicorn, who laughed.
“What? What did you say?” Donut yelled, getting more outraged by the second.
“If you think I’m going to allow myself to just get insulted by a tumor donkey and a crack-addict Mickey Mouse, you both are in for a rude awakening.
I’ll have you know I am practically twice both of your levels, and I’m quite sure that stupid mount of yours is flammable. In fact, let’s test—”
“Donut,” I called before she did something stupid, “let them go around.”
I examined the two creatures, starting with the rat.
Lucienne. Mandagot. Level 81 Fink.
One of two members of Team Sparkles.
Warning: This creature worships Diwata and will be automatically hostile toward you because Diwata HATES your ass.
A mandagot is a Fairy-class creature that comes in many shapes, though most are stomach-churning monstrosities that are supposed to be “cute.” These things are a combination of two or three fuzzy woodland creatures.
Legend has it that they are born of regular fairies who’ve had relations with forest animals, which is a pretty common occurrence with the freaks who worship Diwata.
They have multiple magical abilities and can punch well over their level class, so be wary.
I grunted as I moved my attention to the larger of the two. The unicorn.
Dwight. Sparkling Unicorn. Level 87 Enchanter.
One of two members of Team Sparkles.
I bet you already know what a unicorn is. A sparkling unicorn is pretty much the same thing, but they sparkle because they have even more magic permeating them. Their horns are quite valuable to certain parties, so if you kill him, it’s recommended to grab the horn as quickly as possible.
Most unicorns are regarded for their beauty and their grace and their childlike innocence. They’re generally known for their overly gentle manner.
But not Dwight. Dwight is known for being a complete prick.
He’s the type of guy who would call the police on a kid setting up a lemonade stand.
He’s the type of guy who would one-star an upcoming video game because the artists had the temerity to draw a female character who didn’t give him an instant erection.
He’s the type of guy who, at the office pizza party, would take three pieces, knowing there’s not enough to go around.
Donut continued to sputter in outrage. She did not move.
Just behind the round tumbleweed, parked at the entrance to the cave, sat our food truck, and within that truck Mongo screeched with outrage and leaned against the horn.
Make way for the big shot! Bawk!
The plant mount reacted negatively to the horn and burst forward.
There was a strange rustling noise, like multiple twigs snapping, but not all at the exact same time.
“Gah!” Dwight shouted as the whole thing lurched.
We all dove out of the way. Donut jumped upward and over the mount as I dove off the side of the road and fell into the slimy cave water.
The two bugbears did the same, but jumped to the other side of the road.
The tumbleweed crawled right over the trailer, skittered over the van, and continued on its way.
“Fuck yoooouuuu!” Dwight called as they disappeared into the darkness.
Sputtering, I pulled myself from the water. I had a level 5 leech attached to my leg, but it immediately died from the Damage Reflect and fell off.
Rend remained in the center of the trailer.
He’d been run over by the tumbleweed, and he’d taken a small amount of damage from it.
He’d fallen over, and his elephant legs waved in the air before he righted himself.
I quickly made sure he was all right. He giggled as I ran my hand over him.
He had multiple thorns in his hard skin.
“Poky,” he said as I plucked each one out.
Avernus Creeper Thorn.
Each one of these has the ability to grow into a full-sized Avernus plant. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It is one of the most invasive plant species known to the universe. Whole planets have been lost to this stuff. Seriously.
This thorn will not sprout on this floor. Consider yourself lucky.