Chapter Two #3
“Sweet. I have Creed donating some metal pieces, you with your fashion sketches and gown, and then Boone with his landscape boards. Brax is doing photos of his cakes and dishes, plus he’ll be catering, so that will be his live presentation, Rory Finnegan will show his tattoos, and he’s agreed to do temporary Christmas tattoos for everyone who attends.
And I have this cute florist whose arrangements are divine.
I also will have an actor doing some scenes from It’s a Wonderful Life and Scrooge , and for the kids, a puppet show by some amazing puppet masters. Here’s the logo.”
“Booker will read from one of his novels with an exhibition of his books.”
“That sounds cool. What a great idea.”
“Thanks. But, my most wonderful idea is the Letters to Santa wall. Could Duel be part of that? You know, with your help?”
“That sounds so cute, River. Yes, he can participate.”
She looked around. “Where is the little munchkin?”
“With Grandma.”
“Okay, I’ll need a letter from Santa.” She went to her briefcase and tucked the sketches inside, laying the gown across her lap.
She pulled out some stylized notebook paper with happy Santa faces all over it and a box of crayons.
“Here are the supplies. I need it by December 15, along with a picture of him, or you can do a family selfie that might be more fun.”
Her words set off a chain reaction of cascading emotions. How much my family means to me. How much I love Boone, miss him, the loneliness of the last few days piling up on me and taking me down. I covered my face.
“Oh, Verity. We knew something was wrong,” Aubree said. “Booker told me straight out that he was almost feeling sick from the vibes he was getting from Boone. What happened?”
“Yeah, spill it, sugar, because we aren’t leaving until we know all the deets,” River said.
Resting my arms on my thighs, I closed my eyes and tried to collect some control.
My voice was uneven when I finally answered around the lump in my throat.
“I screwed up, guys.” I told them everything and they, bless them, listened without saying a word.
“I didn’t exactly keep it from him, but now he’s upset and freaked about something happening to me if I got pregnant. ”
“No kidding,” Aubree said, her voice hushed, her eyes so soft and sympathetic. “As if you haven’t been through enough. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Sorry my momma brought it up.”
“It wasn’t her fault. It was mine. I should have told him everything, but like I said, I was dealing with so much, and so was he. I just felt it could wait. Might even be a non-issue.”
There was a taut silence; River Pearl glanced at Aubree, her brow furrowing.
“Verity, I think you’re downplaying this situation.
It sounds very serious to me, and Boone was a complete mess when you got stabbed.
He was devastated, torn in two. His grief was palatable.
This has to be resurrecting all those protective instincts, all that helplessness, and desperation he felt when he came close to losing you.
So the fear and the anger are natural. Arguing with him isn’t going to help. ”
“That’s true, River,” Aubree said, “But she has a right to voice her fears and opinions as well. Boone is refusing to hear her, which is squarely on his shoulders. You probably just need to give him time to get over this news.”
I couldn’t answer. Tears tracked down my cheeks. I just wished this would all go away. “I don’t want to be barren,” I whispered. “I’m not infertile.”
“No, of course not,” River said, mimicking Boone and sitting on the coffee table, taking my hands into hers, and it hurt like hell to remember how he had been so sweet. “But, Verity, you could consider that there are options.”
“What options? Not bearing my own children? That’s such a failure.”
Aubree slipped her arm around my shoulders and squeezed.
“As a doctor in training, let me just say, it’s not a failure.
It’s just beyond your control, honey. It’s no one’s fault.
It is not easy to take when our bodies don’t do the things we want them to.
But that’s no one’s fault. However, there is something else to consider here,” she said.
“And I think it needs to be addressed. Your marriage, your very connection to each other has taken a blow. Boone may be masking how he feels about that part by getting angry. Sounds about right for a man’s reaction to a threat that hits him hard in the feel zone.
I know how Booker reacts, and we all saw how Braxton kept River Pearl at a distance. ”
The pain was nearly crippling me; it had never occurred to me that Boone might question our foundation of love and commitment.
But there was so much to deal with, the emotions so overwhelming, I should have realized it.
The night I told him, he’d comforted me, but it had felt…
as if a very important component was missing, now I had some distance and hindsight.
“Oh, God, I hadn’t considered that. But you’re right. He’s hurting way worse than I thought. No wonder he won’t listen.”
After more sympathy, and after making me pinky swear to keep in touch with them, they left.
It was about trusting Boone with all of it.
Even the truly awful stuff. It was about partnering, listening, and being open to hearing what the other had to say.
Instead of letting Boone find a way to tell me about his fear, I was reacting to the thought of him refusing to have children…
which was such a predictable reaction for him.
I would suggest that I go to the doctor, get a full workup, show him there was no cause for alarm.
But even as I called to make an appointment, sure that I’d get a clean bill of health and I could go off the pill, and we could start working on baby number two, I was hoping he would get past this and come back to me.
Please come home, Boone.
I texted it to him, but there was no response.
I guess it was too hard to let go of the fantasy of conceiving a child together and going through all the everyday, natural progression of pregnancy and birth.
He’d missed Duel’s birth, and I wanted to experience the next one with him, together, committed.
The first time around had been under such stressful circumstances. I didn’t want this to be the same.
But I wanted even more to get back that easy connection to my husband. Boone had such a big heart, and he was so strong. I couldn’t bear the thought that he was having doubts about me and my love and trust in him.
Worse than that, had I somehow damaged our relationship?
Beyond repair?