Chapter 9
NINE
A few nights later, I decide to take him up on his offer.
I am lying in bed, in a slight huff with the world, and feeling the need to separate myself from it.
I have been working hard on recognising these moods since I arrived, and then on dealing with them appropriately, rather than being a sulky cow or deciding to book a flight to the Galapagos Islands.
That’s not always as easy as it sounds, and right now I am struggling.
I’ve had another busy day, helping Connie out at the café and stepping in to host an afternoon Yoga for Kids session at the community centre.
That was a lot of fun, as you’d imagine, and left me feeling very zen and optimistic.
Lilly and Meg were there taking part, and I walked back to the cottage with them and Cally afterwards.
Archie made us all tea, and Cally tried not to eat too many biscuits, and I tried not to disappear down a rabbit hole of family memories as we sat together in the kitchen.
I caught him watching me and forced a smile onto my face.
This is his home now, the home where he is raising his beautiful, blended family, and I have no right to haunt it.
He is still slightly reticent around me, which bothers me more than I like to admit.
He has every right to be cautious, because he isn’t just letting me into his life, he’s letting me into his daughters’ lives too.
He doesn’t know the full story behind my no-show for their mum’s funeral because I asked Connie and George not to share it around.
It’s a painful and difficult thing to remember, and it was hard enough talking to two people about it, never mind more.
Bearing that in mind, I know it is understandable that Archie has reservations.
I know he’s protective of the girls and who can blame him?
From his perspective, I’m the wacky wild-card aunt who could go maverick at any minute, and he doesn’t want Lilly and Meg to get too dependent on having me around.
Or maybe I’m overthinking it and he just doesn’t like me. That is also eminently possible.
As I was leaving, Cally was talking to him about her son, Sam.
Everyone keeps telling me how much I’m going to love Sam, but so far he remains mysterious.
He was due to be back here by now but apparently got the offer of an internship at Zack’s TV company, so he’s staying in London for the summer.
The change in plans means they’re having to sort out childcare for a long-planned mini-break to Paris.
Now, even with my limited amount of time spent in modern-era Starshine Cove, I know that finding childcare is not a big challenge.
There’s Connie, and Dad, and Ella the GP, and the two Betties who run the local bakery.
There’s Lucy, the local vet, whose daughter Rose is Archie’s gardening apprentice, and there’s an entire world of school friends and their parents.
Yet despite knowing all of this, I decided that what Archie and Cally needed in that exact moment was me.
‘I’ll look after them,’ I’d piped up. ‘I’ll stay here if you like. We can have movie nights and eat popcorn and talk about boys.’
The girls were immediately all in, jumping up and down and screeching and announcing that it would be the best sleepover ever.
Cally seemed pretty down with the idea too, until she looked at Archie’s face.
Then her smile fell a little, and she muttered something about ‘Well we’ll have to wait and see a bit nearer the time. ’
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and left rapidly after that in case I died of actual shame. Archie walked me to the door and I paused before I left. There was an awkward atmosphere hovering between us that would only get worse if we didn’t address it.
‘I get it, Archie,’ I’d said gently. ‘You don’t really trust me yet, do you?’
‘It’s not even that, Suzie,’ he’d replied, not at all unkindly.
‘It’s that I don’t really know you. You were like some kind of ghost in Sandy’s life, in all our lives, and…
Look, I’m glad you’re back, I really am.
George is so happy about it, and the girls think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, and…
I suppose I just need a bit more time. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I also don’t want to lie. ’
I’d assured him that it was absolutely one hundred per cent okay, that I completely understood where he was coming from, and plastered yet another fake smile on my face.
I was due to have dinner with my dad at the inn but ended up crying off.
I was wiped out with it all, my social battery well and truly dead, and I didn’t have even one more fake smile left in me.
Dad went there with Connie anyway, so I didn’t feel like I’d let him down at least.
I lay in bed for a while, staring at the ceiling, feeling like the walls were starting to close in on me.
Wondering how skin-deep my resilience was if it could be so easily dented by one teeny-tiny almost-snub, delivered in the kindest of ways.
I used to be a tough cookie. I used to be the kind of woman who hitch-hiked through Peru and drank grown men under the table and had face-offs with angry ostriches.
Now I’m having a meltdown because a perfectly lovely man said a perfectly reasonable and not at all mean thing to me.
I kick the covers off and clamber out of bed. I feel a little like I’m sneaking out, even though I’m an adult, and even though my dad isn’t actually here to see me so I don’t need to climb down the drainpipe or anything.
I grab my phone and head off around the back of the village towards the field where Guy is camping.
Archie and Rose have their greenhouses here, as well as their extensive vegetable patch and a whole area for cultivating cut flowers.
Any profits made from the produce or bouquets are ploughed back into the project, which provides fresh food boxes for people in need.
He also holds masterclasses and Q maybe more comfortable with canvas than the confines of a house.
‘Well, this is cosy,’ I say, waggling my eyebrows at him. ‘Are you not worried in case I take advantage of you?’
‘No. You’re all talk, woman,’ he replies. ‘So, what brings you out to my des res this evening?’
‘The fact that I’m a great big giant baby.’
‘Ah. I see. About anything in particular?’
I fill him in on the conversation I’d had with Archie and feel like an absolute idiot once I put it all into words.
‘I know I’m being silly,’ I add. ‘I know I’m overreacting.
And I know that I’m the only one casting myself in this role as the pantomime villain – but it still hurt, you know?
Made me realise that maybe I’d started to relax into things here.
Started to enjoy being part of it all, in my own stunted way.
It all feels so fragile, though. Like if I put one foot wrong, it’ll all blow up in my face… ’
He nods, and sighs out loud. ‘Yeah. I get that. Either it’ll blow up, or you’ll blow it up, and either way there’ll be carnage.
I know. I had a similar thing too. I offered to watch Evan for Miranda, if she wanted to go and join the others at the inn for dinner.
She flat out said no. She wasn’t trying to hurt me, she just said it was too soon.
I guess we both feel like we’re on trial, and that isn’t easy, is it?
All we can do is keep on keeping on, and see if things change. ’
I feel a sharp stab of sympathy as he speaks, completely understanding where Miranda is coming from, but also sharing my friend’s pain.