Chapter 15 #2
She frowns as she speaks, as though trying to remember is actually hurting her brain. That may well be true.
‘I left before him, but he’s probably not too bad. He didn’t drink because he was having Evan around for a sleepover.’ And because he’s doing his whole not-drinking-around-me-in-sympathy thing, which I don’t mention. She’d read too much into it.
Cally knows Evan – was in fact with Miranda when she went into labour – and looks understandably taken aback by the idea of such an extremely active toddler being confined to such a small space.
‘Evan? In a tent? With that much energy?’ she says, sounding horrified. ‘How would that even work? That’s got to break some fundamental rule of physics!’
‘I have no clue how it worked. It’ll either have been a lot of fun, or Guy is currently tied up and being attacked with a plastic hammer.’
She sniggers at the thought and says: ‘That was brave of him. Nice for Miranda and James to have a night off too. Looks like the extension on her place is coming along well. Every time I walk past it looks more like an actual place that a person could live in. Guy is very… useful, isn’t he?’
I nod. ‘Yep.’
She looks disappointed when I don’t expand on that, and adds: ‘Good dancer too, from what I saw last night.’
‘Yep.’
‘And he’s… Oh, for God’s sake, woman, are you bonking him?’
I burst out laughing, then she joins in, and much hilarity ensues. ‘Bonking?’ I repeat, once we’ve both calmed down. ‘Really?’
She stands up and wipes croissant crumbs off her pyjamas, then goes to make a fresh coffee for her, and a tea for me.
‘My God. Even laughing hurts. Look, I’m not at my most eloquent this morning, Suzie.
Probably that last shot of tequila that did it.
Or maybe the wine beforehand… Anyway. Bonking is a good word, and you know what I mean.
It seems to me like there’s a bit of a spark between you two. ’
I shake my head and wish I’d brought more cake. I should have guessed really that she’d eat both.
‘It’s… complicated,’ is all I manage. I don’t want to talk about this, because I haven’t as yet figured it all out myself.
I can’t deny the way I felt last night – the physical attraction, yes, but also the emotional pull of the man.
When we stood together in the caves, surrounded by their jewelled light, and he told me he was staying, that he was open to our friendship developing into something more, I felt…
a lot. More than I wanted to feel, and way more than I feel equipped to handle right now.
‘It is, yes,’ Cally says, sitting down opposite me. She looks almost human now. ‘All the best things are. Do you like him?’
‘Of course.’
‘And does he like you? In a potential bonking way I mean, not just a pals way?’
I nod and chew my lip. The irony is that ever since we met, there’s been a certain dynamic in action between Guy and me – I flirt, he pretends not to notice, we both go about our business.
I’ve played the breathless admirer, and he’s played the straight man.
It’s been harmless fun, but now I feel like it’s all been turned on its head.
‘Right. Well, what do you want from it all?’ Cally asks. ‘You look worried. I don’t like that you’re worried.’
‘Oh, Cally – I’m always worried about something, I’m just really good at hiding it!
I was worried about coming back here. I was worried about seeing my dad again, and how everyone would react to me being home.
I was worried about how I would react to me being home, and if I’d cope with it.
I’m worried about being pregnant at forty-three, about being a single mum; about being any kind of mum at all…
It’s been a lot, you know? And Guy has been…
I don’t want to say “a distraction”, because that belittles it, makes less of it than it is.
But he’s been outside it all somehow. He’s been someone I can talk to who isn’t as tied up in the Starshine strings, you know?
Does that make any sense at all or do I sound completely mad? ’
She nods and holds my hand across the table. ‘A bit mad, but not completely. I think I get it. I mean, I’m not you, but I can understand why you were worried about all those things. And maybe your friendship with Guy was a bit of a respite? A bit of relief from everything feeling so heavy?’
‘That’s it exactly! And now I’m not sure what will happen.
I do like him, but I also have way too much going on in my life to start something new.
Certainly something casual. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-casual.
In fact it’s how I ended up in this position in the first place.
But right now, it’s not for me – I’m not robust enough. It could do more harm than good.’
She frowns and tilts her head to one side. ‘Is that what he said? That it would be something casual?’
‘Um… I think so?’
She gives me a look that makes me feel like I’m back with my maths teacher. Maybe she has a point. I replay the conversation that Guy and I had last night, trying to remember the exact wording. What he said, and the way he said it.
‘He said we were friends,’ I tell Cally, my hand going to my own face, recalling the way it felt when he touched me. ‘Until maybe I decided I was ready for more.’
She sighs and leans back in her chair. She looks a little misty-eyed.
‘Oh. That’s really lovely, isn’t it? Saying you’re friends for as long as it suits you, but making it clear that for him, it’s more than friendship. That’s the best of both worlds right there. Why are you looking so concerned?’
‘Because this is all a bit more complicated than I imagined. Because I need to just concentrate on me and the baby right now and not be derailed by this other stuff. I’m not a teenager with a crush; I’m a grown woman who is growing another whole human being inside her.
And because my hormones are all over the place, and I can’t seem to think straight… ’
She laughs at me, which is annoying. I hope it hurts.
‘I don’t think it’s just your hormones, Suzie.
At least not just your pregnancy hormones.
And besides, thinking straight is overrated.
You look way too bothered by all of this, and I suspect it’s because you’re not even sure what you want yourself.
Okay, so finding someone special when you’re pregnant with another man’s baby isn’t right up there on the ideal meet-cute scenarios, I admit – and I know timing is pretty important in life – but it’s not something to be worried about, is it? What’s the worst that could happen?’
Death, destruction, the shifting of tectonic plates, tsunamis, volcanos, plagues of locusts. Or maybe something a little more mundane, something that feels almost as threatening.
‘I could hurt him,’ I say simply. ‘Or he could hurt me.’
It sounds so childish when I say it out loud.
The risk of hurt is part of the human condition, I know that logically.
But I’m starting to realise that I’ve spent so much of my life trying to avoid it that I’ve missed out on so much.
On being with my family, on building proper relationships, of putting down roots.
I rejected all of those things because I was scared of losing them, like I lost my mum.
Like I lost my babies, and like I lost David.
I couldn’t face that kind of pain again, so I closed myself down.
Now I’m pregnant, and there is no way to stay closed down to that.
I feel raw, vulnerable and exposed, made up of a million hopes and dreams and fears.
My hand drifts to my stomach, to the precious creature growing in there.
There can be no more running, no more emotional safety – I am at the mercy of this baby now, and that is terrifying.
Cally scoots her chair over to me, and wipes tears from my face with a make-up wipe. I didn’t even notice that I was crying.
‘It’s okay,’ she says gently, soothing me. ‘It’ll all be okay. I’m sorry I made you talk about it all.’
‘That’s all right. I probably needed to anyway. I… Look, I think I need to go. I need to find Guy and sort this out.’
‘Are you sure?’ she asks, frowning. ‘You could just hide out here all day. We could watch movies. I’ve got The Fifth Element on DVD, that always cheers me up.
Or Independence Day! That’s a great one for blocking out reality!
Or Highlander, eighties classic. I heard they’re remaking that with Henry Cavill in it. I almost fainted when I found out.’
Cally is a big fan of sci-fi, and her genuine enthusiasm makes me smile. ‘Some other time for sure,’ I tell her. ‘Maybe a Matrix marathon?’
‘I’ll hold you to that,’ she says, getting up and walking me to the door. ‘We can wear leather trench coats.’
She gives me a quick hug before I leave, squeezing me tight before she finally lets go. ‘It will all be okay, I promise.’
I give her a quick kiss on the cheek, and smooth down her wayward hair. ‘Thank you, Cally. You are such a lovely person. I can’t tell you how glad I am to have you in this family.’
She blushes slightly but looks delighted.
I leave, walking down the garden path awash with a weird mix of both settled and strange.
I do see Cally as family now, and more importantly, I don’t think of ‘family’ as a dirty word any more.
It is no longer something I am running from, something I feel burdened by, something I am afraid of.
Now, I think of it as something that comes in all shapes and sizes, something that might not be perfect, but which offers me love and support and comfort.