Chapter 19 #2
Some of the results are obvious and predictable – Josh and Jake are brothers, Cally is Sam’s mum, Rose is Lucy’s daughter – but some are amusing surprises.
I don’t suppose it’s a huge shock in such a small place, where families tend to have lived for multiple generations, but there are quite a few distant connections that nobody was aware of.
Trevor finds out he is a third cousin once removed from Frank Williams, Ged’s dad, and the baking Betties – who are actually married – discover that they’re fourth cousins, whatever that means.
It’s a lot of fun, and Dan tells us he’s planning on putting together an interactive map for us all to access, as well as printing a version that can be put on display in the community centre.
It gives me a warm feeling to look at all the little matches that ping up in my app, showing those connections between us all.
I’m still smiling when I look up and notice that Guy very much isn’t.
In fact he’s gone completely quiet and is staring at the screen of his phone with intense concentration.
His lips are pressed tight together, and he looks a little pale compared to normal.
Something is off. He glances up, sensing my scrutiny, and stares at me with shocked eyes.
‘I’m just getting some fresh air,’ he mutters to me over the general hubbub. ‘Be back soon. You stay here, okay?’
He gets up and makes his way outside the pub, and I follow as quickly as my ever-increasing bulk will allow. I find him pacing around the village green, and we are the only people out here – every other person who lives in Starshine is inside the inn, having a DNA party.
He spots me walking towards him and shoves his hands in his pockets. It’s a weirdly negative gesture, defensive almost, and his face is set and closed as I approach him.
‘I told you to stay in the pub,’ he says. ‘You didn’t need to follow me.’
‘Yeah, well. I’ve never been very good at doing what I’m told. What’s wrong? Something’s upset you. Is it thinking about your family, or lack thereof? Because we could do what Dan suggested and join one of the bigger databases. Maybe you’d find someone other than Miranda?’
He lets out a bitter laugh and stares off into the distance.
It’s a cool and pleasant autumn evening, the sky clear and star-studded, the sea whispering in the background.
None of it seems to matter to him, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so upset.
So silent and seething. I reach out and lay my hand flat on his chest, trying to calm him.
‘Guy, you’re taking this Viking warrior thing too far. Tell me what’s wrong, please – don’t shut me out like this!’
I’ve become so used to being completely in tune with this man that I’m finding his distance incredibly upsetting.
We are usually in sync, on the same page or at the very least same-page adjacent.
All the time we have known each other, there has been nothing we could not eventually share, nothing that has come between us.
Now, I can see him putting barriers up, and I hate it.
Tears sting my eyes, and I look up at him desperately.
‘Please, Guy, whatever it is, you can tell me. Don’t do this, okay?’
The tears escape and trickle down my cheeks, and that finally seems to get through to him. He wipes them away tenderly and says: ‘I’m sorry. I’m being a dick, Suzie. I’m just… upset.’
‘I can see that, sweetie – and please, let me help!’
‘I don’t think you can. But you were partially right. It is about the DNA results. It showed that I have no familial matches in the sample.’
I frown, confused. ‘Apart from Miranda, you mean? I know Evan was too little to get tested, but there’s still Miranda.’
‘Apparently there’s not,’ he answers, sounding sad and angry and resigned all at once. ‘Apparently I am related to nobody at all, not even my own daughter.’
‘I don’t understand… What are you saying?’
‘I suppose what I’m saying is that Miranda isn’t mine. That her mum must have lied to me all those years ago. That she is not my daughter, and Evan is not my grandson.’
I freeze solid, turning it over in mind. None of it makes any sense. ‘Could there be a mistake?’ I ask. ‘With the way the test was done, or the science, or whatever?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t think so. That’s why I needed to come outside.
I needed to try and think it through, to calm down a bit.
I need to talk to her as well. This is probably going to be as much of a shock to her as it’s been to me.
I’ve spent all these years thinking I was a terrible father, and it turns out I’m not her father at all. ’
I can’t really imagine what he’s going through right now, but he is obviously in pain, and what hurts him hurts me. I need to help him, but I’m not totally sure how.
I stand on tippy toes so I can kiss him and place my palms on his cheeks. I gaze deep into his eyes, and say: ‘I love you, and I’m here for you, and right now, I’m going to get Dan to come out here and talk to you about it all. Okay?’
He shrugs and nods, and I feel that distance creeping in between us again. I dash back inside and ask my nephew to come out with me. He’s slightly confused by the request, and he’s also on his third beer, so I keep it simple.
‘Dan, is there any way the DNA can be wrong?’ I ask him.
‘No,’ he replies. ‘The DNA doesn’t lie. There can be errors in sample collection, but that shows up during the analysis.
Why? What’s wrong? Is it the Betties? Because they’re such distant relations it really doesn’t matter that they’re married, and it’s not like they’re going to have kids or anything, ’cos they’re both women and they’re in their seventies—’
‘No. No, it’s not that, it’s Guy and Miranda. They’re… they’re not matching.’
Dan looks at Guy with a gaping mouth, understanding dawning as he takes in the implications of what I’ve just said. Guy seems slightly embarrassed, like he’d prefer to be anywhere other than here right now.
‘Oh. Right. I’m sorry,’ Dan says, sounding flustered. ‘I don’t know what to say. Have you spoken to Miranda about it?’
‘No,’ Guy says, ‘not yet. She was busy. Probably still is. It’s fine. Go back inside, Dan. I’m sorry to have bothered you.’
Dan looks decidedly unhappy at the idea, but I pat his arm and tell him to go. ‘It’s okay, love. It’s not your fault.’
I can tell he feels like it is, and he glances back over his shoulder as he walks back towards the pub. His expression is one of regret and sympathy, and I know Guy will hate that.
‘Come back to the cottage with me,’ I say, taking hold of his hands and squeezing his fingers reassuringly.
‘We can have a cup of green tea, eat some biscuits, and cuddle on the sofa. I know you’re freaked out, and I totally understand, but we can get through this.
What is it you always say – one foot in front of the other?
Let’s put one foot in front of the other right now and go home. ’
He considers it, and for a moment I am hopeful, but eventually he shakes his head slowly side to side.
He drops a perfunctory kiss on my cheek, and replies: ‘Look, Suzie, I need to be on my own for a bit, all right? We’ve always had that deal, haven’t we, that we can ask for that space when we need it?
That’s me, right now. I’ll be okay, but I have to spend a bit of time alone with this before I speak to Miranda. ’
I nod, biting my lip. He’s right, of course, we have always had that deal – but for a long time now, neither of us has invoked the time alone clause.
Logically, I understand why he is doing it now, that he needs to process a shocking piece of information, deal with something that has undermined everything he believed about his life and his relationships. Logically, I totally get it.
Logic, though, has little to do with the way I feel. I am devastated for him, I am desperate to reach him and support him, and I am scared. I want to cling to him, to keep him close. To break down this wall between us.
‘Are you sure?’ I ask quietly. ‘You could just come back with me and I could ignore you. Or I could come and sit with you in the tent and you could pretend I’m not there. I’m just not sure that being alone is actually the right thing for you right now, Guy.’
He manages a small smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. I’ve never seen him so sad, and it is breaking my heart.
‘Thank you, but no. I’m going to go for a walk on the beach and try and sort myself out.
This is… this is big. I was never under the illusion that my ex and I had the perfect relationship, or even a halfway decent one, but I also never imagined this.
That she felt the need to lie. I still don’t know why she’d do such a thing. ’
I have a few ideas about why, but now is not the time to say.
She was so young, she’d had a difficult life, she’d found herself in a position she didn’t know how to handle.
Maybe she felt like Guy was slipping away and wanted to keep him close.
Maybe she felt like he was better father material than the actual dad.
Maybe it was nothing that cynical, and she didn’t even know – she could have made a simple mistake, spent the night with somebody else but still thought the baby was Guy’s.
Lord knows I’m the last person to comment on an accidental pregnancy.
The truth is that we do not know why she lied, or even if she did. We may never find out. That’s a conundrum that cannot be solved tonight, no matter how long a walk he takes, or how much he tries to clear his head.
‘Let me come with you,’ I say. ‘We can go to the caves and sit together. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but please, let me come with you.’
A momentary flash of irritation crosses his face, and I get it.
I know how I would feel if the roles were reversed; if I said I wanted to be alone and he refused to accept that.
When we first met, we bonded over a shared understanding of a need for independence, and now I am one of the people intruding.
I am on the outside looking in, and I feel myself crumble at the hurt of it.
‘Okay, I’m sorry,’ I add quickly. ‘Now I’m being a dick.’
‘Not really. I think it might still be me. Look, just let me go, all right? It’ll be fine. Go home, get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
I nod and do as he asks. I let him go.