Chapter 9 – Juliana
“A re you sure, Liam?”
“Positive. Let me help you do this. You’ll be a fantastic mom, Jules. I just know it.”
My heart still speeds up remembering the sincerity in his eyes when he’d held my hand and said those words. If only I wasn’t confused over why exactly my heart speeds up when I remember it.
I rarely pay attention to the time when I’m in a therapy session. Becca had a nasty cold which prevented us from meeting the past two times, and I’ve been looking forward to catching her up on everything.
But today, I glance at my watch when she asks another question in that tone, the one meant to challenge me. “And, he agreed to father your child? Just like that?”
“Not just like that. I said we could forget about it, but he said he was willing. We had a long and very good talk about it. I listed all the pros and cons, told him he has every right to say no or change his mind, but he’s going with me to the fertility appointment and says he’ll be by my side every step of the way. ”
The hedge maze on the grounds of Grant Barclay’s Napa Valley estate gave us ample time alone to wander and talk while everyone else was preoccupied by champagne and cake.
The setting had been incredibly romantic, honestly.
Not that we’re anything like that. We’re friends, and he’s agreed to help me with something very special.
Becca’s quiet appraisal makes me glance at my watch again. I figured she’d be questioning me about raising a baby on my own, not who I asked to father the baby. “What?” I ask at last, matching her challenging tone.
“You said it was your first fight, and you asked for space after the fight.”
“I’d been staying with him, and it seemed like a break was needed.” I haven’t mentioned the sauna incident or my blossoming (and very inconvenient) desire for Liam. It complicates something that’s already complicated enough.
“You’ve told me before how important Liam’s friendship is to you. Does he feel almost like a security blanket at times?”
“You make me sound immature… and selfish.”
“I didn’t intend it that way, Juliana. You’re a strong, successful woman with a giving heart, but you have a lot of doubts when it comes to one particular area of your life.”
“Meaning men and romance.”
“Yes. I’m just trying to gauge Liam’s place in that part of your life. Have you ever considered that he might fear losing you too much to tell you no?”
I don’t want to admit that I haven’t. Surely, it would be far simpler for a man like Liam to walk away from me than the other way around. My own husband had no trouble stepping out on me after all.
My non-answer is all the answer she needs. My mouth is full of marbles for the rest of our time and my earlier confidence feels attacked by her questions until I find myself wanting to postpone our next few sessions. Why does Becca have to put all this extra pressure on me now?
∞∞∞
“Because that’s what it’s about,” Wendy says during lunch. “Therapy isn’t having your own personal cheerleader. It’s facing our truths, feeling our feelings and learning how to cope with the things we can’t change, isn’t it?”
“As the older sister, it’s my job to drop the pearls of wisdom around here,” I grumble though I’m grateful she called and asked to take me out today. Miles’ attempts to probe me about my mysterious afternoon appointment he didn’t help schedule was getting annoying.
“Wisdom? Tell Mom and Dad that the next time you see them,” she says, chuckling.
It’s true Wendy was considered their wild child while I’ve been Old Reliable since birth.
Juliana, the good girl who did everything as expected until her divorce, poor thing.
If only she’d tried harder to work things out with Chad.
I respect them as my parents, but their idea of marriage was shaped very differently than mine.
I mean, Jesus Christ, he cheated . If ever there were grounds for divorce, that's got to be one of the biggies.
“Have you made yourself a mini bucket list yet, mama?”
I grin at ‘mama’ but am thrown off by her question. “Mini bucket list?”
“If this works out and you’re a mom or close to being one a year from now, you’re going to have your hands full.
I’m not saying you’ve got to sail around the world but what things will you wish you’d done before that?
Not to mention all the things you can’t do during the pregnancy and the fertility process. ”
“I don’t smoke and giving up drinking isn’t a hardship for me.”
“Yeah, but what about sex?”
“Pregnant women have sex.”
“True but, for women going through IVF, hetero intercourse can be uncomfortable and even painful, I’ve heard. Some doctors discourage it until there’s a healthy implantation. And, I had the most awful nausea the first trimester which seriously dinged my desire.”
I stare at my salad and recall glossing over those warnings during my research phase. “Well, it’s not like I’m having…” I trail off because my dry spell has been on my mind lately and every time I remember seeing Liam in the sauna my hormones start doing the conga.
Wendy smirks as if she can read my mind. “I’m just saying you might want to think about some things you’d like to get out of your system before you get too far into the process… or someone you’d like to get under.”
∞∞∞
A couple of hours later, Wendy’s ‘someone you’d like to get under’ is still rolling around my head when I arrive at the building where we’re meeting.
Liam’s Jeep pulls into the spot beside mine an instant later and he flashes me a sexy grin while pointing toward his phone.
He’s on a call. Good. Because that sexy grin just made my lady bits sit up and take notice.
Dammit, I’ve known he’s incredibly attractive since we met. Why am I letting that get to me now?
I pretend I’m busy with some papers until my own phone rings – Santiago Morales. Hmm. Unlike Hudson, who I was convinced hated me until I got to know him better, Santi’s always been friendly and easy to talk to, but it’s been a while since he called me directly. “Hey, Santi.”
“Juliana, thank God. Is Liam with you?”
I glance toward the Jeep where he’s now scowling at the windshield and clearly still in the middle of a conversation. “Not right now.”
“Okay, good. Hudson and I want you to come to Sable tonight and Liam’s being an asshole about it, but we need a fill-in for something fun…”
“If a dancer called in, I’m afraid to tell you I can’t dance in platform heels and I avoid thongs like the plague.
” His chuckle makes me smile as he explains their quandary – a special event tonight, all for a good cause, but a participant dropped out suddenly.
“Wait… I’d have to get on stage? The one and only time I stood on a stage in front of people, I threw up, Santi. ”
“Interesting but it’s not a particularly popular kink at Sable.”
“Ew.”
He laughs again, nothing phasing him. “You won’t have to perform or even speak. You just stand there while Felicity does the talking. As always,” he assures me, “consent is one of our cardinal rules so no one is under any obligation to go further than they wish. However, if you’re inclined…”
My face heats up considering it. Old Reliable Juliana would never. Just the thought of being on a stage makes me feel queasy, but maybe Santi’s special event would help me work through these fluttery feelings Liam’s bringing on lately and help me say goodbye to my dry spell.
I’ve barely agreed to Santi’s proposal before Liam’s pecking on my window. I squeak and end the call. “Hope I didn’t interrupt anything important,” he says as he opens my car door.
Why do I suddenly feel the need to explain things to him?
If I want to do something wild with a stranger before I jump into mama mode, that’s my business, isn’t it?
And why did Santi say Liam was being an asshole about them asking me?
It’s not like I haven’t participated at Sable in the past. “Nothing important,” I say, stepping out of the car.
I glance toward the building and a monsoon of fresh nervousness sweeps through me. “It’s going to be okay, Jules. One step at a time.” His deep voice and that steady hand resting at the small of my back has me believing it.
“Thank you. For everything. But, before we go inside, are you sure you’re-”
He cuts off my rambling with a kiss on the cheek which sets those butterflies in my pussy loose again. “I’m positive, honey. Let’s do this.”
We turn toward the building… just in time for me to spot my ex-husband and Addison walking inside.