Chapter 15 – Juliana
W hat have we done?
That question flashes behind my eyelids with every blink. It thunders between my eardrums with every heartbeat.
What have I done?
Had the best damn sex of your life, that’s what.
God, it was, but I can’t forget how quickly he climbed off of me after he came, the way he apologized and stepped away like maybe he needed to shake off what we’d done, the player ready to leave once he’d made his conquest. It made me feel vulnerable.
Like Chad’s betrayal, it’s a feeling I detest. I know he would never wish to hurt me.
I just can’t afford to give him the chance to. Too much is at stake.
He’s texted me multiple times. Hell, Santi even left me a voicemail late last night and I could tell it was prompted by Liam. Thinking of what Becca said yesterday, I don’t want my friend to be afraid I’m shutting him out. I just don’t know what to say.
“I had sex with Liam.”
Well, that’s a start.
Nell and Wendy blink at me over bagels. Then, Wendy slowly reaches down to cover Amelia’s little ears. Nell snorts and I do, too. “The baby won’t understand what we’re saying, Wen. How did this happen, Juliana?”
Wendy uncovers Amelia’s ears and I pluck the baby from her lap. I need baby cuddles. I need to remember what my primary goal was… is. I also need the world’s most adorable shield for this confession. I tell them the short version – minus tales of auctions, spankings and sex benches.
“We’re supposed to be making a baby together,” I sigh once it’s all out.
“As I understand it, I believe that’s considered the go-to method.”
I glare at Nell, but her unrepentant grin soon has me laughing. “I suppose you have a point. We were both pretty buzzed. Him even more than me.” That’s eating at me, too. His consent seemed as whole-hearted as mine, but how impaired was he?
“Drinks can loosen us up, make us give in to what we already wanted. I’d call it something you had to get out of your systems. You’re friends but you’re a woman, he’s a man, lots of procreation talk. It was bound to happen,” my sister says.
I’m not sure about that, but it happened alright.
He let me have it. I adjust in my seat, embarrassed by how much I’d like for it to happen again.
These past few weeks, my subconscious attraction to Liam has woken up.
Until last night, I hadn’t considered that Liam might truly be attracted to me, too.
I’ve let my self-doubt convince me of too many things these past few years.
“It’s been obvious to us for some time now that Liam is into you.”
It’s my turn to do the blinking thing. “I’m older than him.”
“So?” Nell says, unbothered.
Logically, it shouldn’t matter. It’s not like he’s a problematic age or we’re even that far apart. The problem is, self-doubt is far from finished with me. “I told him one night. He agreed. He’s hot, rich, owns a sex club and he…”
“He’s a player and you don’t want to get played. Yeah, we get it,” Wendy says, gently.
If my sister, who is the most positive person I know sees it, then my doubts aren’t all baseless, right? I cannot allow a man to hurt me again that way. Friendship and one night stands need to be it for me, and it’s best if they don’t get mixed together.
My phone starts buzzing. He’s given up on texts. He’s calling. I’ve avoided him before. I’m not doing it again. I pass Amelia back and pace away from the table to have a bit of privacy. “Good morning, Mr. Culver,” I answer, surprised at how natural I sound.
“Good morning, Ms. Davenport,” he replies, sounding a bit less Liam-ish than usual. “Jules, are you alright?”
“I’m doing very well as a very well-laid woman this morning.” His startled chuckling gives me a boost of confidence. “But, I’m a well-laid woman who hopes last night’s fun won’t screw up her friendship with the best guy around.”
The caution is back in his voice when he says, “Our friendship is extremely important to me.”
“I feel the same way. So, as wonderful as it was, we’re involved in something right now that’s complicated enough without… additional strings. Don’t you agree?”
He’s silent for several beats. I figured he’d be relieved to have me set our boundaries back where they belong. Or, might the player actually want-
“Yeah, agreed.One night only, you said.”
Swallowing hard, I wonder why my smile feels faker by the second. “I’m glad you understand. Would you like to get together later?”
“I have dinner plans with my siblings tonight.”
“Right. I forgot. Lots has happened since, um…” Damn, this is awkward now.
“Yeah. I’m glad you’re okay, Juliana. I’m planning to travel up to Oregon with Ethan tomorrow, but I’ll give you a call in a few days.”
He hangs up abruptly and disappointment hangs heavily in the air on this end of the line. I turn back to see Nell and Wendy watching me from the table with wide eyes. Fake smile is firmly in place as I put my phone away. “Well, that’s that,” I say with a shrug as I take my seat again.
Nell’s just opened her mouth and I’m bracing to be called out when my phone interrupts again. Is it Liam calling back to say something more? No, it’s Dean. Hopefully not calling to tell me to stop trying to rob his baby brother’s cradle.