Chapter 17
I was heartsick. I was grieving. But I could not wallow.
I had no use for it. Besides the fact that it was unmanly, it was impractical and unflattering to succumb to the urge.
I had only to think of what impression I would make upon the person upon whom I dwelt at all hours of both day and night.
She would be disgusted to see me sunk in self-pity with only a bottle for company.
Besides, there was a great deal to be done.
Mr Parker, my butler since before my father died, always stayed at Pemberley where he was most needed.
In town, I had Mr Stevens, a younger man who had served as Parker’s under-butler and had been groomed as his likely successor.
It fell to him to take a bottle of fine brandy to the mews for Keller, along with a voucher for new boots for John and Charles.
Theirs had been ruined beyond what could be stitched and polished, and while Keller had the means to replace his with a new pair, they did not.
I had some sense that money, in this instance, would have been a paltry gesture by comparison.
Carsten, meanwhile, made no bones about sending my own boots, coat, hat—everything I had worn on that escapade—directly to the rag seller with my compliments.
By his urging, I also visited my tailor.
It was unnecessary, but this was perhaps his way of absolving himself of the sin of having sent me into the world in less than top condition.
I agreed to this alteration to my wardrobe upon the condition that he would also be fitted out with a new suit at my expense.
I was in a particularly indulgent frame of mind. I made some little jest to Mrs Spencer about my desire for cabbage soup to make up for such rich food as I would soon be forced to eat as I ushered Georgiana through a Season. She seemed to swell with pleasure at my having unbent enough to do so.
I also sent Stevens to procure for me several items I did not truly need, only to see to it he rode the new mare rather than take a hackney. What young man in service would not want to be seen riding a horse through town of a purpose? None that I knew.
As to the new horse and the cadre of footmen who talked anxiously of when they would be given a chance to ride her, only Keller had objections. He had come to me in the library in the afternoon on the day after his arrival.
“Yes?” I had said with a show of indifference, trying hard to stifle my amusement because, by the look of harassment on his face, I thought I knew already what he had come to say.
“And the new hack, Mr Darcy? What am I to do with it?”
“What you would do for any other horse in my stable, I suppose. Why do you ask?”
“She is not fit for you to ride, sir.”
“She was fit enough when I needed her to be. Besides, I have told Stevens that he is free to make use of that horse as he wishes.”
“Very well, Mr Darcy,” he replied, but with such horrible stiffness I could no longer hold back a chuckle.
“You are lucky I did not buy that mule you brought me. I admit to having thought of it. He turned out to be a sporting little beast. Perhaps I yet may. Where should we put him, do you think?”
“Put him, sir?” he roared. “We should put him in the shed behind the Widow Hamilton’s cottage!”
He was clearly being satirical, but the notion struck me and I said, “Do you know, that is not the worst idea I have heard from you. Do that, if you would.”
“You do not mean it! What would she feed him? Is she to have the cart too? What next? Am I to send a groom to her to feed and house when she cannot even afford a back house man?” He was by this time so incensed by my suggestion, he had entirely forgotten to address me properly.
However, I was so amused by his rant, I failed to correct him and even bore his objections with an air of bland patience in order to keep from openly laughing at him.
“Very well,” I managed to say. “If it annoys you to that degree, I shall refrain. Might that be all you wish to scold me about this morning, then?”
All of my newfound liberality had somehow opened a gate of even more generosity within me. Giving freely was immensely satisfying, I realised. And talk of Mrs Hamilton gave to me a somewhat nostalgic feeling for her kindness and a sincere wish that she be happy.
That evening, as he helped me off with my coat, I said, “Carsten, how much did you give Mrs Hamilton for her trouble?”
“Enough to easily sustain her for a year, sir. I am afraid I fairly squandered your purse on that journey.”
“As you should have. Well, I suppose I should be satisfied. Still, I would do more for her if I could.”
“You are very benevolent, sir.”
“You say so as if I never have been.”
“You are always open-handed, but never…well, at the risk of annoying you, I would say you are being a little sentimental, Mr Darcy.”
“I do not deny it. Did Keller tell you I nearly bought Trusty Snail?”
Most uncharacteristically, my valet laughed aloud. “What is so funny?” I demanded with my good humour still intact.
“You would have to buy him from me, Mr Darcy.”
“What? What have you done?”
“You are not the only one who has been struck down by this sentimental ailment, sir. I returned him to his owner in Binton, but to such conditions as—well, let us say I succumbed to the overwhelming urge to do something for that mule after he willingly carried me back to meet Mr Keller.”
“Where is he now?”
He was still chuckling. “I left him and his cart in the care of the Widow Hamilton, sir.”
“Lord, do not tell Keller. He raged at me when I suggested it. He was greatly offended and pointed out that she could not even feed him.”
“Well, clearly she could not, and so I am paying her to house him and gave her leave to use both the animal and the cart however she wishes.”
It was my turn to laugh. “My word. Will we come to our senses soon I hope?”
That night I marvelled at myself. My heart was well and truly broken. How could I laugh? I did not know, but I could—and I did.
This flow of benevolence was just an excess of love, I supposed, which I could not direct where I would wish to place so much feeling, so much tenderness. It spilt over onto others and had become a most unexpected consolation.
There was no other tribute I could offer to Elizabeth Bennet than to care, as she cared, for the well-being of everyone around me.