Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
Liam
I lean against the front wall of the house as pain returns to my chest at full force. I’d peeked through the window, assuming that seeing the damn cat would have made him happy.
I never expected that Gabriel would start crying.
And it hurts.
Why the fuck does it hurt so much? I have to stay away from him. I have to keep him safe… so why is it so fucking painful?
How can I just keep hurting him?
I shake my head, knowing that of course stepping away will hurt him, but it’ll be better in the long run. He’ll be safer. He’ll be happier. He’ll find someone normal to love.
I sink down the wall, onto my ass, and tug at my hair while the world spins out of control around me. My whole life, I’ve been in control. I always had the answer, and if I didn’t have it yet, I knew how to find it.
But not this.
Not with Gabriel.
Everything about this man disrupts my world.
And it makes my whole body ache.
I push away from the wall and start down the driveway toward my car which I’d parked on the street.
About halfway there, I hear the front door open, and I find myself ducking out of sight behind my car.
I want to go to him so badly it hurts. I want to rush forward and tell him that I will give him everything.
But I don’t deserve to be loved by someone as good as him.
I don’t deserve him.
I sink down, hiding behind my car as the snow drops down onto my clothes.
“Liam… Liam, I can’t do this,” Gabriel calls.
“I thought I could give you space. I thought that if I let you have your space for a bit, you’d come to your senses, but I’m fucking terrified.
I’m absolutely terrified that you will just disappear out of my life, and I’ll never see you again.
You’re too unpredictable… and that scares me.
You know what you’re feeling? I’m feeling that too because I can’t lose you.
Everyone feels fear, Liam, everyone. You just have to suck it up and get used to it because it’s not going to go away. You just learn how to deal with it.”
I close my eyes while my brain tells me that I need to run. I can’t let him convince me with words that take control of me.
“I’m not asking, Liam,” Gabriel snaps as he steps around the front of the car. “I’m not asking you to come back. I’m fucking telling you. You can’t bust into my life, change my whole world, and leave as you please.”
He’s not crying now, no; his face is set hard while he stares down at me. “I own you, Liam. I know every dark deed you’ve committed. If you leave me, I will dedicate my life to putting you in prison where I can see you every fucking day.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that you would do that?”
Gabriel cups my chin, forcing me to look up at him.
“It would be better than never seeing you again.
I can be greedy too, Liam. I can be stubborn too.
You are not the only one in control of this relationship or my life.
I went out there on that ice. I joined you every step of the way through this case.
I was right there beside you when we chose to help Jesse instead of tossing him in jail.
Your methods might have been unorthodox, but Whitaker is dead because of you.
He is gone and he will never hurt another soul. And you…
“You’re going to push down all of this fear like we normal people have to do all the fucking time, and you’re going to stop this bullshit.”
I swallow the lump in my throat as I reach out to him, but I’m afraid to touch him. “Everything hurts. All of it.”
“Yeah? That’s what happens when you’re anxious, when you’re afraid.”
“I don’t have anxieties or fear,” I counter.
“Well… it looks like you do when it comes to me.”
“You could have died because I pushed Whitaker.”
“He would have responded no matter what we did, and because of it, he’s dead.”
“I put you in danger,” I say.
Gabriel runs his fingers through my hair, and then his grip tightens. “I don’t care. I don’t fucking care. You’re either going to willingly come home or I’m going to drag you inside.”
My hand touches his thigh before I wrap my arms around his legs. “I don’t know how to survive without you.”
He pushes my arms apart and kneels down in front of me so he can pull me into him.
“You do, Liam. You could survive without me, but why the fuck try when you don’t need to?
You’re mine. I will continue to love you, even knowing all about the darkness inside of you.
Because I need you more than I’ve ever needed anything. ”
“I love you. But I’m not good for you.”
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Now, I’m freezing, so we’re going in the house. This is not a question,” Gabriel says as he grabs my hand and we both get to our feet.
“I’ll give you everything,” I whisper, staring down at where his hand is clasped around mine.
“Dammit, Liam, stop. You don’t have to apologize or make it up to me or whatever you think you need to do. We are both aware this job is dangerous. The only thing you need to apologize for is the fact that you tried to leave me. You’re never fucking leaving me again, do you understand?”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur as he pulls me out of the cold and into the house. “I will never leave you again.”
“Even if something like this happens again?” Gabriel asks, and when I hesitate, he gives me a look. “Liam, do you love me?”
“Do you even have to ask that?”
“Then you are going to listen to me. You’re not leaving me over something so fucking senseless ever again, do you understand? And don’t you dare lie to me.”
I pull him in and kiss the tips of his fingers, brushing my lips over those prints I love so much. I’d vowed to never touch him again. To walk away.
“I’m selfish,” I admit.
“Then so am I.”
“I’m possessive.”
“Then so am I.”
“I could destroy you,” I say.
“And so could I. We’re in this together.”
Gabriel withdraws his hand from mine, and I immediately want it back. It feels like torture to be away from him, but I deserve worse.
“Come with me.” He walks into the bedroom, and I follow him over to a safe sitting on the desk. He opens it and reaches in for a small piece of paper lying on the bottom.
I’m confused by this as he pulls the cardstock out and flips the white paper around to face me.
“Before I went to the diner, I stopped by work to talk to Michaels,” he says.
I step forward, unsure of what he’s saying. Slowly, I wrap my fingers around the hand that’s holding the cardstock up in front of me. I study it for a long moment before my eyes flick over to meet his.
“Is this Whitaker’s fingerprint?” I ask, not sure I can even trust the words coming out of my mouth because they sound so unbelievable.
“I assumed you didn’t have time to grab one,” he says, his expression steady, his eyes searching mine.
My fingers gradually slide off his and onto the card as I realize what this means.
Gabriel stole a fingerprint from a dead man… from one of my kills to add to my collection.
“Why?” I whisper.
He stares at the back side of the paper until I lower it to set it on the desk.
“I want to say something here… something about doing it for you or doing it so you don’t get caught doing it or…
some other bullshit… but honestly? I have no fucking idea.
My mind has been consumed by you since you left.
It’s all I could think about. It’s all I cared about.
I was going fucking crazy. And when I saw where he was…
when I knew he was in there… I wanted it for you… so there it is.”
I lean into him, careful of his side while I capture his lips, needing to feel his touch—this man who drives me crazy, who can push me to the brink and draw me back again, and the only one who makes me feel like this.
His lips press against mine, parting, asking for more. He backs up, pulling me after him as he lies down on the bed, drawing me down on top of him while I kiss him deeper before hesitating.
“Your side.”
“It’s fine,” he promises me, but I shake my head.
“I love you, I love every inch of you,” I murmur as I kiss a line to his neck. “I can never ask you to forgive me for what I’ve done. For putting you in danger, for leaving you when you needed me most.”
His fingers trail over my hair before they tangle in it and tug. It doesn’t hurt, but if he yanked, it might. “You’re never going to leave me again, are you?”
“Never,” I whisper, pulling against his grip so I can kiss him again. So my lips can travel down his neck to his collarbone. So I can kiss away the bruises on his beautiful skin left behind by the ice and the explosion.
I push his shirt up and he releases my hair, allowing me to gently unbutton his shirt and slide it off his shoulders.
“I’ll never fuck up again,” I tell him.
“It’s only human to fuck up.”
“Which is why I’ll never fuck up again.”
Gabriel grins. “Ah, back to not being human, I see.”
I smirk up at him before kissing a line down his chest, careful to avoid going anywhere too close to his wound. “Does it still hurt?”
“Not unless I do something really stupid like twist hard. It’s significantly better, I promise.”
My fingers skim around the area as irritation eats through me. “I want to kill him again.”
Gabriel’s lips quirk. “I don’t think you really get do-overs.”
“I want to make him suffer a bit more.”
“I think you’re good just killing him.”
“Suffering sounds more ideal,” I say while he shivers under my touch.
I’d been trying so hard to convince myself that I never needed this again, but now that I have it, I can’t get enough of it.
I kiss Gabriel’s chest and when he reaches for me, I gather his hand and kiss the tips of his fingers again.
“You’re going to have to contend with what’s going on down there,” he comments as he points.
“Down there will just have to suffer, I suppose,” I say, and his hand tightens in my hair.
“Then stop kissing everywhere and touching me all over!”
“You told me to be greedy.”