17. Chapter 17 - Liam
“Are you alright, love? You’re shivering,” I say apprehensively.
I tug her to me, our shoes crunching over the dead leaves as we make our way back to the house. Where earlier her feet had been glued to the floor watching Diego dismantle Mateo, now she is nervously scampering back to the house. My hand curls around her arm to stop her as we approach my back deck.
Wide glassy eyes greet mine as the sunlight catches them, changing her irises from warm brown to honey. Her bronze skin glowing in the morning light has me itching to reach out and run my fingers over its softness. I raise my hand, ready to do so, but then stop myself. Maddy is on the verge of having another breakdown.
Fucking, Diego. I knew sending her in there was a mistake.
“Did you come to my bed before you went to the shed? Around 3 AM?” The desperation in her voice has me on edge.
Why is she panicking about the answer to that question and not what she just witnessed?
“I did, I wasn’t there long. We talked, remember? You were pretty much half asleep, but we talked, we cuddled, we kissed. You fell asleep on my chest before I left to go back to interrogating. I had some time before Diego got here.”
Releasing a shaky breath, she turns to walk up the three steps of the deck, crossing it and pulling the sliding door open with force. This woman has no idea what is going on in her mind right now. She’s spiraling. And the worst part is, I don’t know how to help her.
“Madison. What’s going on, sweetheart? Talk to me.” I follow her, picking up my strides through the kitchen and down the hall to the guest room.
“I just need some rest. I…I don’t understand what I feel right now. You were here…earlier. And then Diego… he… I woke up to him and you… we were…I was dreaming of…” She throws her hands in the air exasperatedly. “It doesn’t fucking matter!” she shouts. “It was just a dream…” she quietly trails off.
I lean against the door frame and cross my arms over my chest. “What did you dream of, Madison?” My voice grows deeper, downright huskier with the need to strip her naked and remove all of her anxiety—and quite frankly— mine .
Her only focus would be me.
I would take away all the chaos swarming her beautiful mind.
“So your speech earlier, about wanting to protect me and feeling defenseless when you couldn’t find me in the club. Your apology for not staying with me. That was all real?”
She sits at the edge of the bed, kicking off my slides that are way too big for her sexy feet. The ones I can’t stop thinking about hanging over my shoulders.
“Yes. That was all real.” I slowly approach her until I am standing between her legs that are draped over the bed. “What am I missing here, Maddy?”
She lifts her head to stare up at me, gnawing on her lower lip. “I must have fallen asleep after. I had an interesting dream and it made me question whether parts of it were real or not. ”
I place my bent index finger beneath her jaw and press the pad of my thumb to her chin.
“Ya wanna talk about it?” I ask hoarsely.
Cherry red paints her cheeks as her eyes dart from mine to land on my lips. I hover over her as she leans back on her elbows, my arms extended on either side of her head.
“No,” she whispers in the most agonizingly sultry voice.
I lower my body until there are only inches between us, her warm breath fanning my face, her breast pressing against my chest.
Adrenaline always does this to me. I can imagine she’s looking to escape in the throes of passion. I would be fully invested as well, no questions asked, if she wasn’t just freaking the fuck out. Not to mention the fact that she’s injured.
Warm hands run through my beard and up higher until they are tangled in my hair. Her thumbs rub the apples of my cheeks as she lowers my head the rest of the way.
The second our lips touch, I know we aren’t going further. That usual spark we always have isn’t there. It’s flickering, but there isn’t any wick left to burn.
Madison must notice, too, pulling back as she recognizes her fantasy or that dream she had isn’t comparable to this moment. I roll over and land next to her on the bed, lying on my back. My hands come up to wipe over my face as I release a massive sigh the same time she does.
A good long shower is in order. The fact that she even kissed me with another man’s blood caked on my skin is traumatizing in itself.
“ Liam .” She doesn’t look at me as she says my name, drawing it out, eyes focused on the ceiling. There is a wobble to her voice that I don’t like.
Not one fucking bit.
I tilt my head to watch her.
This is it. I feel it down to my bones .
The end of her and I.
The words she is about to say are going to have a ring of finality to them. After the night she had, I should be the one to do it. Make it easier on her. She is struggling to get the words out, I can see it in the way her eyebrows are scrunched together; the way her lower lip trembles.
But all I can whisper is, “ Madison .”
Because I am a fucking pussy and don’t want to let this go. Let her go. Doing so would only give her a reason to really end this.
“This isn’t working,” she says solemnly, her voice breaking.
“I know, baby.” I grab her shaking hand glued to her stomach and bring it to my lips, kissing it gently before entwining our fingers and laying them between us.
We lie there for a while. Sniffles fill the space as my thumb rubs the back of her hand.
“When you once promised me forever, you meant it then, ya?” I barely recognize the sound of my own voice as it breaks with grief.
Of what could have been.
Of what we had at one time.
“Of course I did. I never expected for my feelings to ever falter for you. I love you, Liam. I really do. I just don’t feel that we are ever going to go back to who we were. I’m never going to be that girl you met.”
“Tell me why. I’d do anything for you, Madison. You’re my fucking soul, don’t you see that?” I beg, my chest tightening with each beat.
“You’re more protective of me than ever. Being the leader of your syndicate is going to make you even more on edge, caging me in…and I can’t have that. I can’t breathe when you are like that. The night I got taken, everything changed for us. I wanted to get back to us more than anything. Those months leading up to last New Year’s Eve, I wanted to try again. Had Diego not sh owed up and thrown off my equilibrium, I would have asked you if we could have had a fresh start. But he did. ”
I shake my head against the mattress in denial. “You left us both . Doesn’t that say something? We could have hit the restart button. You could have told Diego to fuck off.”
“I could have. I’d be lying if I said that the space from the both of you wasn’t important. I needed that time to get my head on straight.”
“The chemistry we can get back. We just need time. We don’t have to rush this. It can go at a slower pace.” I grasp on to anything that will keep her here. Even if only for a little bit longer. Perhaps I really am just clinging to desperation at this point.
A lone tear slips down her cheek as she maneuvers her whole body to her side to look at me.
“It’s not there anymore. I know you felt that confirmation just now. You felt it in the shower and you felt it back at your office. There are two people we share that flame with that we can’t forget about. That is what is preventing us from taking this further. The hesitancy is why we can’t do this.”
“Fuck, baby.” I turn to my side to get closer to her. She’s right. Doesn’t mean I want her to be. My heart beats frantically against my sternum as I prepare to agree with her. We will always be in each other’s lives. Just not how we had once imagined it.
“You are my soulmate, Liam. Maybe in this lifetime we just weren’t meant to be together. I want to thank you for always being there for me, always protecting me—even if you can be over the top with it. Thank you for always loving me until there wasn’t anything else to give. You were so fucking patient with me, especially after Diego died…You even respected my wishes while I was gone. You’re an extraordinary man. Inside and out, Liam. Lainey or whoever you end up with is going to be a lucky girl.”
A tear trickles over my lower lid, curving over the bridge of my nose and onto our conjoined hands. I sniffle and clear my throat, trying to get it the fuck together, but it’s been a hell of an emotional twenty-four hours.
“I love you, Madison. Always and forever. This life or the next. I can promise that. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give Lainey this side of me. You’re the only woman I have ever truly been this vulnerable with. So thank you , princess. For teaching me how to lower my guard for those I care about. I’ve lived a miserable existence up until your beautiful face came waltzing into my bar.” A laugh escapes me, elevating the moment from somber to reminiscent.
A little sob-laugh slips past her lips, which are attempting to form a melancholy smile.
She shimmies over to me and I lift my arm so she can snuggle in closer. Her face presses into my neck, probably the only place that doesn’t have blood on it, as my hand holds the back of her head. I place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. Her delicate hand clamps my back between my shoulder blades, gripping my sweatshirt. Tears land one by one onto my neck, dripping down my chest as our erratic breathing slows.
“Promise me no matter what happens now, we stay true to who we are. I will always protect you, Madison. If you are in danger, you bet your pretty arse I’m jumping into action.”
“Fine. But promise me in return that you’ll give your all to your relationship with Lainey. I want you to be happy. You deserve love and someone who brings you joy, Liam. Open up. Let her get close to you. You need to let me go.”
Placing another kiss to the top of her head, I nod. “Okay, sweetheart. I promise.”
I’m not sure if I really do plan on letting her go, but I have to try.
Madison’s breathing becomes steady, her back rising and falling under my hand. The warmth of her exhales tickle my neck .
She’s asleep.
Poor thing is exhausted from these last few days. Last night and this morning have been intense. I wrap my arms around her more firmly, adding this moment to my memories, for it is the last time I’ll ever get to hold her like this. Our hearts beat in sync like they always do.
Soulmate. Lover. Friend.
I’ll always be hers. Doesn’t matter what category she puts me in. I’d still jump in front of a bullet for her. I’d still empty my bank account for her. Where Lainey will have my love, my passion, respect, and honor, Madison will always have me as her protector.
And now she’ll have Diego to love her.
I’ve seen how they are. There’s no denying it anymore. He brings out a side of Madison that is dripping in regality. An absolute queen when she’s around him. She’s courageous, strong, and determined. I could never take that from her. She deserves to feel that way. If Diego is what makes her happy, then I’ll bow out.
That’s all I want.
To see Maddy smile.
From the moment I met her, she never fully smiled. Doubt and anxiety always plagued her. Seeing her smile while with me had given me hope I could keep it there. Seeing her with Diego—I can’t compete with how radiant that smile has grown or the confidence she imbues being in his presence.
At the mention of her husband, he materializes, shirtless and quietly standing at the threshold of the door. The man is only donning a pair of boxer briefs. His clothes must have been discarded and burned back at the shed. Like a peacock showing off his feathers, he puffs his chest, proudly sporting his tattooed chest. A thick coat of blood covers his face, making him look fresh off the scene of a goddamn horror film. His broken knuckles are saturated as well, all the way down to his nail beds. The majority caked onto his forearms and neck.
Relief courses through me knowing Madison is still asleep. My arms tighten around her protectively. She shouldn’t see this. It’s gruesome as fuck. Even I found it hard to stomach Diego’s torture. The fact that she lasted as long as she did is impressive. But that was child's play compared to what Diego had planned next.
He was only getting started…
“Well isn’t this cozy ,” Diego snorts before passing us and heading into the en suite. He barely spares a minute to glance at Madison curled up on my chest. Talk about dissociation.
The soothing sound of the shower turning on drowns out the array of emotions slicing through me. I attempt to leave, giving them the privacy they need and the space to get myself cleaned up. Maddy clings to me like a goddamn koala bear. She’s still asleep, so I cradle her closer until her knuckles relax and my sweatshirt goes slack.
Our flame may have burned out, but there’s no doubt our souls don’t yearn for the comfort of each other.
Unfortunately, that’s not enough.
And we both know it.