Chapter 11
"Are you quite ready?"
"No." Eliza gripped her hands tightly together as the carriage approached Almack's.
"Aunt, I am not at all sure that this is wise.
Continuing to press into society when it is clear that they have already made up their minds about who I am and what it is I have done — or my family has done — will, I fear, only bring me more difficulty and shame. "
Lady Newark shook her head. "You have done nothing to deserve any shame," she said stoutly. "We will not allow society to push you away. Recall that after what Lord Ashcombe did in standing up for you, many will not reject you."
Eliza said nothing in response, having no choice but to climb down from the carriage on slightly wobbly legs.
Yes, she had to admit that Lord Ashcombe's actions had been wonderful indeed and she had been filled with gratitude towards him for it.
In fact, she had barely been able to stop thinking of him these last few days.
"Lady Margaret sat with you for the entirety of the picnic, did she not?
" her aunt reminded her, taking Eliza's arm and walking with her towards Almack's.
"And her mother was most concerned for you, given all that she and I shared.
It may appear, Eliza, that there are many against you, but that is simply not true.
Do not let the loud voices overcome your senses.
Look for the quieter ones, the ones that whisper their support towards you, even if they are afraid to offer it aloud. "
Eliza wilted inwardly. Her aunt was correct in all that she said; Eliza knew that, but there was also the quiet realization that even though there might be some who did not think as poorly of her as others, those voices would not make themselves known, not in a situation such as this.
Almack's was a place where one had to be of a certain standing to even have a ticket, and quite how her aunt had managed to procure one, Eliza did not know.
"Lord Ashcombe will be here this evening, I am sure of it," her aunt continued warmly, as they stepped inside. "I am sure that must bring you some delight."
For the second time, Eliza did not answer.
Her feelings for Lord Ashcombe at present were much too confusing even to be acknowledged, especially when there was so much else for her to consider.
Dropping her gaze, she did not look into another face as she took hesitant steps through the heavy, velvet draped doors of Almack's.
She could not bring herself to raise her eyes and look across the room, certain she would see judgement in every face.
The murmur of conversation and the soft rustle of satin and silk told her the room was full of other guests, making her fingers tighten around the clasp of her reticule.
"Raise your eyes, my dear," she heard her aunt whisper. "Whether you feel it or not, show them that you are not ashamed."
It took every bit of inner strength that Eliza had to do as her aunt suggested.
Drawing in a long breath, she lifted her chin and dragged her gaze upwards, taking in the polished floor in the center of the room that was now waiting for dancers to set their feet upon it.
Her skin felt clammy, a tightness wrapping around her ribs as her aunt led her through the room.
She was sure the faint mutterings near her were of recognition of her presence, noting how a few pairs of eyes drifted towards her and then snapped back again sharply.
No one took a step forward towards her, no one sent a smile of greeting in her direction.
Lady Newark touched her arm and steered her gently toward the refreshment table. "A drink, mayhap? Come, Eliza. Do not fear their whispers."
Eliza could barely hear her aunt over the rushing of blood in her ears. Picking up a glass of ratafia, she turned her back to the crowd for just a moment, wishing that she could find a place where the shadows might wrap around her to hide her away.
"My dear Eliza! You have come."
The warmth of Lady Sarah's voice pushed back the chill that threatened to sweep over Eliza's frame. A long, ragged breath escaped her as Sarah threw her arms around her shoulders, embracing her warmly. "Sarah. I — I am glad indeed to see you."
Sarah's eyes rounded as she took in Eliza's expression. "You are concerned about being here this evening, it seems."
"Yes, I am."
"You need not be," Sarah replied stoutly. "I have heard many a muttering about Lady Ravenshill's manner towards you and how inappropriate it was for a lady of society to speak so." She smiled. "Not every person present thinks ill of you, Eliza."
"That is precisely what I have been saying," Lady Newark added, sounding triumphant as Eliza managed a rueful smile. "Not everyone present is an enemy."
Sarah took Eliza's arm. "Come, let us take a turn about the room and I will prove that to you," she said, giving Eliza no choice but to step out with her, her aunt giving her a nod of consent as she remained where she was.
"Besides, I must ask you if you have made any further progress in the matter of Lady Warrington's will. "
"Some," Eliza admitted, her eyes darting from left to right and then back again, afraid of who else might be watching her with darkness in their gaze.
"I believe that Lady Warrington might have been of aid to my father when he was in the very depths of debt and shame.
" Seeing Sarah's eyebrows lift, she managed to smile a little.
"I do not know why she would do so. Lord Ashcombe, however, is doing all he can to discover whether or not that is true and, if it is, the purpose behind her actions. "
"That is good." Sarah smiled, a glimmer of curiosity in her eyes. "Lord Ashcombe has become a close companion of yours, I think."
"You know that he offered to be of assistance to me in this," Eliza responded quickly. "That should come as no surprise."
Sarah's lips curved. "That is not what I meant," she said plainly as they continued to meander slowly around the room. "When he came to your defense at the picnic, I thought I might have detected a little more in his voice, something that did not come solely from a sense of duty."
The memory came before she could stop it — how he had stood, tall and strong, in front of her, shielding her from Lady Ravenshill.
He had not only come to her defense, but he had made certain that everyone present knew precisely what he thought of Eliza — and how he was not going to step back from her.
"In case you are unaware, you are smiling at present."
Quickly wiping the expression from her face, Eliza shot what she hoped was a hard look towards her friend, only to make Sarah laugh.
"Your attempts to pretend that there is nothing in your heart for Lord Ashcombe will not do anything to prevent me from believing it to be true," Sarah said, pitching her voice low so the words fell only between them.
"I am afraid I will not relent, my dear friend.
" She drew Eliza's arm closer, tilting her head near.
"Tell me the truth: are you as taken with him as I believe? "
Heat curled in Eliza's stomach at how near her friend had come to the truth.
Hesitating, Eliza bit her lip, glanced at her friend and then averted her gaze to the floor.
She had not spoken of her feelings for Lord Ashcombe to anyone, had barely even admitted them to herself.
There were so many other things to consider, so many other matters that required her full attention, but here, in this moment, she found herself faced with the opportunity to speak freely.
She could not lie.
"When he first came to speak with me, I could not have thought anything good of him, I confess it," she said slowly, making sure to keep her voice soft and quiet.
"Now, however, I must admit that my feelings have...
changed. I did not expect them to change, to alter with such strength.
They have taken me quite by surprise, to the point that I do not even want to admit to them for fear of what that will do. "
Sarah's gaze softened. "Do?" she asked, as Eliza, her face hot, struggled to look at her friend. "Whatever do you mean?"
"I can never admit to them," Eliza responded quickly. "He has done so much for me; he has given me so much of himself, and if I were to tell him of my heart... I fear that it would send him back from all we have built."
Much to her surprise, Sarah threw back her head and laughed, making Eliza's face burn all the hotter.
"My dear Eliza!" she exclaimed, although Eliza quickly quieted her with a grasp of her hand and a tiny shake of her head.
"My dear Eliza," Sarah said again, a good deal more quietly this time, "if you believe that Lord Ashcombe has nothing but duty or a sense of gentlemanly behavior as his motivations, then I must assure you that you are quite mistaken. "
Eliza blinked, her chest tightening. "Sarah, he desires to protect the good name of his family and — "
"So why speak with such forthrightness at St James' Park, when all and sundry could see him do so?
" Sarah asked, turning to Eliza, stopping in their walk as she steadied her gaze.
"That does not protect his family name but protects you.
Why should he do such a thing as that? It is no longer about duty, Eliza, but about something more than that. Something a good deal more powerful."