19. Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Once they were alone, Jules scooted her chair closer to her grandma’s bed.
“What is it?” she asked, holding her hand that felt like soft tissue paper.
“You don’t know the entire truth about what happened all those years ago on your prom night and you should—” Rosa began.
“I know enough, Grandma,” Jules said, shifting in her seat.
“No, you don’t. I’d hoped that Miles would tell you someday, but I don’t think he will.” She took a deep breath in and continued, “Your grandfather was police commissioner back then and heard what really happened from the patrol officers on duty.” She paused. “Miles did indeed get arrested for stealing a car with his cousin…I forgot his name, but the one who was always getting himself into trouble.”
“Ricky,” said Jules.
“Yes, that’s the one. As you know, the boys crashed the car into a ditch near the community center that night. Officers were called to the scene by someone who’d witnessed it. That’s how they were caught.” Jules knew this much. She’d hated Ricky for getting Miles tangled up in his illegal activity.
“By the time they’d arrived, both boys were standing outside of the car, so they couldn’t tell who was actually driving. But Ricky was intoxicated.” She looked at Jules with hooded eyes, trying to convey a point that Jules wasn’t understanding. Everyone knew Miles was driving. That’s why he went to jail; it’s the reason his life spun out of control for so many years. Jules never understood why, though.
“Jules, honey, they didn’t think Miles was driving. They thought it was the other boy. That he had picked Miles up in the stolen car and crashed it because he was drunk. Turns out, his cousin had a warrant, so this would have sent him to jail for a very long time. And Miles knew that. The police tried to get them to tell the truth, but they both stuck to the story that Miles stole the car and swerved to avoid hitting a deer.”
Jules had tried for years to block that night out. After Miles didn’t come to pick her up for their senior prom like planned, she called him furiously for hours until the calls went straight to voicemail. Jules assumed he’d turned his phone off. She spent the evening watching old movies with her grandma, fighting back tears. It wasn’t until the next morning that she’d been told what happened: Miles had been arrested for stealing a car from the parking lot of a convenience store and was being held in county jail.
At first, Jules didn’t believe it. He’d never do that. Not Miles. He knew what was at stake. He had a full ride scholarship, for God’s sake. She waited for him to call and sort everything out. It had to be a mix-up. But day after day, her phone went silent. Not so much as a text from him. Eventually, doubt crept in. It didn’t help rumors were swirling the next week at school.
A few days later, Jules cracked. Her anger at him standing her up subsided, turning into worry. When she asked Grandpa Lou to help her get in touch with him at the county jail, he said Miles had already been released. That’s when it became clear: he didn’t want to talk to her. If he did, he would have called when he got out to set things straight and apologize or at the very least show up to school to talk to her.
Her concern turned back into hurt and furry, wondering how he could so easily walk away when she needed him more than ever. Soon, the pain morphed into indignation.
If he didn’t need her, she didn’t need him , she’d told herself. A few weeks later, she left Riverbend, skipping their graduation ceremony, to move with her mom to Lincoln, Nebraska. Barb had a boyfriend there who was working as a farmhand on a large soybean farm and the job came with a rustic hunting cabin. To her eighteen-year-old brain, it was the perfect solution for Jules since she’d be attending school there in the fall, anyways.
After Grandma Rosa finished telling Jules the truth about that night, they were told visiting time was over, but they could come back tomorrow when she was being discharged at noon. Hugs were given all around and Jules told Barb to call if she needed anything at all.
Still processing what her grandma had told her, she followed Miles to the large and almost empty parking lot, stopping abruptly at the edge of the sidewalk.
“Um, I don’t have a car,” she said, looking around in a daze, her mind elsewhere.
How could he have not told her? Why did he push her away? Was he trying to protect her?
“Don’t worry. I’ve got you,” he said, taking her hand again and leading her to his white pick-up truck that was still full of his gear from playing at the dinner earlier.
Jules let him take the lead, feeling a mixture of comfort at his touch but also revulsion at herself for believing the worst about him. Of course, he wasn’t the one driving. Of course, he wanted to protect her by keeping her as far away from his problems as possible. She was angry with herself for not fighting hard enough for him.
Lost in her thoughts, she kept quiet as the truck hugged the dark, curving back roads from the hospital to her grandma’s neighborhood. After a few minutes, Miles pulled over to the side of the road.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I don’t think you should stay by yourself tonight,” he said, holding his palms up to let him continue. “Hear me out. You’ve had a long, stressful day that ended with an emergency. I think you should stay at my place so you’re not alone." He stared at her with one hand on the wheel and the other reaching across the dash to squeeze her shoulder.
She cocked her head to the side, suspicious but also touched he cared that much. Could she trust herself to be with him right now? Wasn’t there too much to process?
“You can have the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch. Tomorrow is a school improvement day, so I don’t have to be there until the afternoon. I can drop you back at the Golden Kernel to pick up your grandma’s car,” he explained.
Miles was right; Jules didn’t want to be alone tonight. So, against her better judgment, she agreed, and Miles threw the truck in reverse, turning around to drive towards his house before she could change her mind.
The familiar house was dark and motionless as they drove up, but it still gave Jules the same cozy feeling as they crossed the threshold of the front door. Sir-Toots-A-Lot was doing figure eights around her legs before she could even get her shoes off.
“I think someone missed you,” Miles said as he hung their jackets on the hand-made hall tree by the front door. Jules bent down to run her fingers through the cat’s thick fur, and he purred in return. “Come on, let's get you some pajamas."
Miles made his way towards the bedroom hallway as she followed behind. Her body was on the brink of giving out, but her mind was awake and firing questions all over the place. Should she talk to him about what her grandma told her? Did it matter now?
No , she didn’t need to talk to him about it. And yes , it did matter. It was all so clear to her now, watching him lay out one of his t-shirts and a pair of boxers on the bed for her. He’d never do anything he thought would harm her. He’d always taken care of her. Even back then, although misguided.
Standing in his room, she could see it all and ached to feel connected to him again. Jules took a confident step towards Miles, who had his back to her as he closed the drawer on his large wooden dresser. He turned to face her as she grazed his neck with her fingertips.
“Jules,” he breathed into the space between them.
“I need to be honest with you,” she said in return, meeting his gaze. She wouldn’t give in to her need to feel his body against hers before he knew the whole truth about the darkness she’d been carrying since that summer. Miles deserved to know, even though it terrified her. He may never speak to her again after this, and she wouldn’t blame him. But she knew his secret now, so it was only fair he knew hers, too.
Miles could sense the seriousness in her voice. “Let’s go sit on the couch.”
Jules shook her head yes and walked back down the dark hall, dread forming a heavy pit in her stomach.
“What is it, Jules?” Miles face was contorted with concern.
Jules was about to hurt him, again. She hated herself for it.
“I need to be honest with you about what happened the summer after we graduated, and you might not look at me the same after,” she started.
Miles tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes as if to say, What do you mean ?
“Instead of going to our graduation ceremony, I left for Nebraska to live with my mom,” she continued.
“Yeah, I think I knew that. You left because of me. I’m so sorry I messed everything up." She held up a hand to stop him.
“You don’t have to explain. I know why you did what you did. Just please listen. You’re not the only reason I left for Nebraska early." Jules looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. It was hard to look him in the eyes. How could she say this out loud? She hadn’t talked about it since that summer, trying to put it all behind her. Now, though, sitting across from Miles, the old pain welled up, threatening to consume her again.
Taking a few steadying breaths, she forced herself to say it. It had to be done.
“I went because I was pregnant,” she whispered, lowering her chin but still watching for his reaction. Miles’ entire body went rigid, and he sat up ramrod straight, a puzzled look on his face. “I found out the morning of prom and was planning to tell you, but then, you know...so, I decided moving away would give me time to figure out what to do.”
Jules took in a long, steadying breath, stealing herself for the worst part. The part that still haunted her dreams and kept her from having any meaningful relationships since.
“But it turns out, I didn’t have to decide anything. I lost the baby a few weeks after."
For a long moment, Miles said nothing.
“I understand if you’re upset. But back then, I thought you didn’t want to be with me. That your silence was a way of telling me you didn’t care,” she said, feeling relieved it was now out in the open but still terrified she’d lose him all over again. “But now I know differently. I’m so sorry for not telling you, Miles.”
This time, she met his stare, trying to convey the depth of her regret through her eyes.
Miles looked down at the black and white striped rug tucked under the couch before closing the space between them and wrapping his arms around Jules in a deep hug. Jules could feel a tear escape down her cheek, but she didn’t care. For a moment, they just held each other.
“You’re so strong,” he said into her neck. “I can’t imagine how hard that was. Jesus, Jules, I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone.”
“Do you hate me?”
“I could never hate you.” They drew back to look at each other. “I have always loved you. I never stopped.”
Jules felt as if she were weightless, like a vise had loosened and she could breathe again. Without thinking, she told him that she loved him, too. And she meant it. It’d always been Miles. They could never be friends because they were meant for so much more.
Miles brought his hand up her neck to clasp the back of her head as he guided her to his lap. His lips covered hers in a kiss so intense, it drew the breath out of her. His hunger burned as he ran his other hand under her shirt and up her back, greedy for more. It was as if they were eighteen again, before they had secrets and could freely love each other.
Finally, Jules found the missing ingredient she’d been searching for all these years. One that she still craved.
Jules wrapped her legs around his waist as he lifted her up and carried her to his bed, lips never leaving hers. In the room, he lowered Jules to the bed, straddling her on all fours as he looked down at her with a gaze so deep it bored into her soul. He expertly lifted her shirt and unclasped her bra, taking them both off over her head in one fluid motion. Jules watched as he leaned down, taking her breast in his hand and closing his mouth around her nipple. She let a soft moan escape before he trailed his tongue down to her belly button and lifted his head to look at her. His eyes were an intense shade of green she’d never seen before, but it made her ache for him even more, and she squirmed in excitement under his weight.
“Don’t move,” he growled, pinning his hands on either side of her hips as his mouth continued down her stomach until he reached the waist on her jeans, which he unbuttoned and slid down.
“I want to taste you,” he whispered, lighting a blazing flame of heat low in her body. She wanted him—no, needed him more than ever. As he took her in his mouth, Jules wove her fingers through his hair and wrapped her legs around his upper back, lost in his touch.
Jules didn’t notice him remove his pants, but she thanked God he did, because she was close to the edge of control with his face between her legs. Before she knew it, their eyes locked again, and he thrust deep inside her as they moved together in a rhythm that felt natural, like their bodies had known each other over lifetimes. Jules grasped his back, and they came together, his muscular arms gripping her.
That night, Jules slept like she’d never slept before, deep and secure.
The next morning, bright sunlight poured into Miles’ bedroom through the row of windows behind his bed, waking them both. In their haste, they’d forgotten to close the curtains the night before. They rolled over to face each other, content but sleepy.
“Are you ok? Do you regret last night?” Jules asked. She knew it was too much to ask him to forgive her. He’d need time, of course, and she was willing to wait.
“No, I don't regret it at all. But I do have a question."
Jules froze.
“Will you stay in Riverbend?” he asked, smile stretching across his face.