A Recipe for Love

Chapter Seventeen

Adam’s mother took a deep breath in. ‘I got your message.’

‘I sent that a month ago.’

‘I wasn’t sure if you’d want me here.’

The exhilaration of seeing her was hardening into something more familiar. ‘Well if only there’d been some way of finding out.’

‘I’m sorry.’ He scanned her face, as he always did when she popped back into his life, for some sign of regret or sorrow or guilt for having missed all of the moments when Adam had needed somebody. ‘I wanted to pay my respects though.’

They both glanced down at the tiny bouquet, insignificant looking against the solidity of the castle wall.

‘This seemed like the best place. I think he loved this garden more than any of us.’

Adam wouldn’t let that pass. ‘Not more than he loved us. No.’

‘Maybe not you.’

‘How would you know?’

‘What do you mean?’

What did she think he meant? ‘You weren’t here.’

She wrapped her coat around herself against the early morning nip in the air. ‘I got here yesterday, stayed at the pub at Locharron. Didn’t really want to see anyone who might remember.’

Adam folded his arms. He wasn’t going to offer sympathy for the social awkwardness of wandering back into a community that might well have views about a mother who abandoned her child.

The thought of that last conversation that he would never be able to have with his father lingered in Adam’s head. There was another conversation he’d never been able to have. ‘Why did you go?’

‘Oh sweetie, you don’t want to…’

‘Yes. I do.’

‘Shall we walk?’ She set out up the path Adam had come down, leaving him no choice but to follow her. ‘I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. That’s fair, but the first thing is that it was never about you. You were a gorgeous little boy. You were clever and creative and funny.’ She was smiling. ‘And I thought about you, still think about you, every single day.’

‘And?’ Because that was obviously only part of the story.

‘And it was everything else. I did love your dad. I adored him. He was kind and thoughtful and we were really happy for a few years.’

Still not the whole story.

‘But this place felt like a prison. There was a role I had to play, someone I had to be, and I was awful at it.’ She gestured towards her unkempt purple-streaked hair and pulled up her sleeve to show him an arm covered in tattoos. ‘I mean I’m not really the garden party opening sort.’ She half-laughed and then stopped, apparently catching the distinct lack of humour in Adam’s expression. ‘You won’t understand what it’s like when you’re stuck in a place with all these expectations and you know you don’t fit. All I could think about was being somewhere else. It was like I wanted to peel off my skin and climb out of this body and out of the life I was trapped in and float away.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not explaining it very well.’

Adam barely realised he was crying until he tried to speak and felt his throat gulp around the sobs. ‘You explained it perfectly. I understand.’

‘You do?’ He could hear the glimmer of hope in her voice, but he was too wracked with tears to respond.

Bella woke that morning with the fuzzy head of just slightly too much wine, and the fuzzy glow of Adam’s touch the night before. She lay back, eyes still closed, and remembered the tracks of his fingers over her body, and the brush of his lips against her skin. She let out a small, involuntary gasp as her mind wandered to the urgency and the need between them.

She rolled towards her fiancé and reached out her hand. Adam’s side of the bed was cold.

She tried not to feel empty at his absence. He must have woken early and decided not to disturb her. Instead she showered, dressed and headed downstairs. Today was a red letter day in terms of the castle’s relationship with the village, at least in Bella’s eyes. Other community groups had met here and had a lovely time already, but today was the first Lowbridge Castle meeting for the only group that really mattered. Today the Ladies’ Group came to the Blue – still yellow – Room.

Flinty was already in the kitchen, baking bowl in front of her. She held out a teaspoon as soon as Bella came in. ‘Taste my buttercream.’

Bella did as she was told. ‘Perfect.’

‘Really? Because I’ll not have Anna say a word about my butterfly buns.’

‘I’m sure she wouldn’t dare.’

‘You weren’t there for the demolition job she did on Netty’s fruit loaf in 2014. The poor woman barely said a word for months.’ Flinty shook her head. ‘If you can even imagine Netty not chattering on the whole time.’

Veronica came quietly into the kitchen and cleared her throat. ‘I wondered if I might join you all this morning.’

Bella’s jaw dropped. Veronica was very clear on her views about the boundaries between the castle and the village.

Flinty nodded firmly. ‘I think that’s a marvellous idea. The Blue Room at ten.’ A glimmer of something naughty twinkled in her eye. ‘Of course all those who live here will be sharing the hosting.’

Bella didn’t point out that Flinty was baking away quite happily but didn’t technically live at the castle.

‘So you’ll have to help pouring teas and clearing away and all that.’

Veronica paled visibly before nodding. ‘I’m sure that can’t be too hard.’

Nina, Netty and Anna were all firmly ensconced in the Blue Room by ten to ten. The curiosity and novelty of meeting at the castle hadn’t quite worn off enough yet for them to be fashionably late. Jill’s lateness, however, was not a question of fashion but of pure chaotic disorganisation, so she rolled in, with a volley of apologies and half-explanations, somewhere closer to a quarter past. ‘Sorry. Had to visit Old Man Strachan up past Hartfield.’

Netty whispered something.

Nina nodded. ‘She’s right. He died two years back. There’s just Young Strachan.’

Jill shrugged. ‘He must be eighty if he’s a day.’

‘Right,’ replied Nina. ‘And Old Man Strachan was a hundred and change.’

‘But he died,’ Flinty pointed out. ‘So they all move up a notch. Otherwise you end up with Baby Strachan and, I don’t know, Tadpole Strachan.’

Nina shook her head. ‘I don’t think that’s how it works at all.’

‘Was Mr Strachan well?’ Veronica’s voice cut through the babbling.

‘He broke his ankle, so he’s making…’ Jill paused. ‘I don’t know, Adolescent Strachan, run around after him.’

Veronica nodded. ‘Poor chap. We should send…’ She looked at Flinty. ‘Something?’

‘Flowers?’

‘To the Strachans?’ Anna laughed. ‘Wouldn’t know what to do with them.’

‘I could make shortbread?’ Bella offered.

Veronica nodded. ‘Excellent idea.’

Jill approved, too. ‘I honestly think they just eat toast and bacon butties up there. I’m surprised they don’t all have heart attacks at fifty.’ She stopped and glanced at Darcy. ‘I’m sorry.’

Darcy nodded mutely. The silence that fell felt heavy and laden with awkwardness.

Flinty cleared her throat. ‘Well it’d save all this Old Man debate if they did.’

There was a moment where people seemed to be debating with themselves whether it was all right to break the tension by laughing or whether that would be even more inappropriate. Netty broke first, letting out a booming guffaw that rose from her belly and shook her whole body.

And that, in itself, set Bella off, and then Jill and Anna and Nina and Flinty, and eventually even Darcy. Bella caught sight of Veronica out of the corner of her eye and saw that she permitted herself a small tight smile and a tiny nod of the head, before going back to sipping her too milky tea.

‘So we haven’t seen you for a good long time, Lady Lowbridge?’ Anna turned pointedly towards the elder Lady Lowbridge. ‘Making sure we don’t damage the good china?’ There was an edge to Anna’s tone that Bella recognised from her first visit to the village shop.

‘Not at all. You’re in our home. I simply wanted to extend a welcome.’

‘Which is very kind of you.’ Jill cut off whatever Anna might have been going to say next.

The other women murmured vague agreement.

‘So are we going to see you at more village events?’ Anna’s tone was softer now, but Bella couldn’t escape the sense that there was something underlying it. ‘I’m sure Maggie would love to see more of you.’ She paused. Flinty was glaring. ‘In the village,’ Anna added.

‘I haven’t really thought about it.’ Veronica’s voice was as cool as ever.

Jill and Darcy exchanged a look. Bella suspected they were every bit as in the dark as she was about what was actually going on here. Netty was staring at her teacup with sudden intense interest. Nina cleared her throat. ‘Well I’m hosting a little garden party next week, for the bridge appeal. I’m sure we’d all love to see you there.’ She turned towards Darcy. ‘You as well Lady, other Lady, Lowbridge. Gosh, this is going to get even more confusing when you marry the laird, isn’t it?’

Bella shook her head. ‘I’m sure you can still call me Bella.’

The further pursing of Veronica’s lips suggested there would be a conversation about that idea later.

‘You know Nina’s place, don’t you Lady Lowbridge?’ Anna was smiling now. ‘It used to be Maggie’s parents’ house. Pavel’s got his gym in the back shed now.’

Where on earth was she going with that?

‘He does personal training,’ Nina added.

‘Oh yes, women from all over Lowbridge work up a sweat in there these days.’ Anna’s face was innocent, but there was definitely something going on that Bella didn’t understand.

Veronica looked as though the bee she was permanently chewing had finally decided to sting.

‘These fairy cakes are delicious,’ Jill announced loudly and non-sequiturially. ‘Did you make these, Bella?’

‘No. They’re Flinty’s.’

‘Well they’re excellent.’ Jill smiled broadly in Veronica’s direction. ‘You’re so lucky to have Flinty taking care of you.’

Anna opened her mouth, but Veronica got in first. ‘She’s a wonderful cook. I don’t know what I, well we, would do without her.’

Flinty’s face coloured deeper red. Veronica and Anna were still glaring daggers at one another.

The penny in Bella’s head refused to drop.

Adam knelt on the slightly damp ground, leaning on the outer wall to his father’s garden. His mother was sitting, legs crossed neatly in front of her, opposite him. He wasn’t sure how long they’d been here like this, but he knew it was the longest he’d spent with his mother in twenty years.

‘I know I have no right to say anything.’ She leaned forward and took his hand in hers. ‘I know I gave up the right to barge in and tell you what to do.’

He shrugged. ‘I wish someone would.’

‘Well it sounds like you’re feeling trapped.’

He couldn’t argue with that.

‘And I do know what that’s like.’ She turned her head towards the view up the cliff. ‘It’s mad. A place like this where everything’s so open and so beautiful feeling like a prison, but for me it did. So all I can say is that you can walk away. I did. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’ She extended a hand as if to touch his cheek and then pulled it away. ‘Leaving you was…’ She shook her head. ‘But leaving here, it was the right thing. I would have withered away. I don’t know if there’d have been anything of me by now left if I’d stayed.’

Adam shook his head. ‘You weren’t the laird though. I have a responsibility.’

‘You have a responsibility to yourself as well though. You’re young. You’re single…’

‘Actually I’m engaged.’

His mother stopped. He could see shock on her face but then she smiled and nodded. ‘Right. Well congratulations. I don’t know why I assumed.’ She pulled her hand back from his. ‘I suppose I still imagine you as a kid, even though…’ She pointed at the man in front of her. ‘Silly of me. So what does this fiancée want you to do?’

‘I think Bella is fine anywhere.’ That was the truth. She had an adaptability and an ability to fit in that Adam didn’t share.

‘So what do you want?’

‘I want to be home.’

‘Isn’t this home?’

Of course it was. When he was in Edinburgh he referred to visiting Lowbridge as ‘going home’, so why didn’t it feel like that now he was here? Because this was home for Adam the child and now he was expected to be the grown-up in every single room. ‘It was Dad’s home.’

His mother stared down at her knees. ‘It certainly was. He would never even think about leaving,’ she added with a hint of bitterness in her tone. ‘But why shouldn’t you? What would you do if you weren’t here?’

That was easy. He’d go back to Edinburgh and carry on with the life he’d promised Bella when he’d asked her to marry him. Realistically Lowbridge would be better off without him as well. The McKenzie estate had money and a vision and probably offices full of accountants who would be horrified of the mess Adam was making of everything. He knew his grandmother would be furious, and he was pretty sure Darcy would see it as betraying his father, but without a laird who was worthy of the title the whole thing was hanging by a thread already. Letting Lowbridge go might be the best thing for everyone.

The Ladies’ Group dispersed. Bella followed Flinty into the kitchen. Veronica and Darcy had tried to help by stacking cups on a tray but Flinty had taken over when Veronica had been defeated by the challenge of making space for the cake plates.

Standing alongside Flinty with a tea towel in her hand and the white noise of the hot water tap filling the sink gave Bella a moment of relative calm. She told herself it was none of her business and she should keep her nose out. She told herself that Flinty’s reaction to whatever Anna had been insinuating was a clear signal that she did not want to talk about whatever it was. But there clearly was something. ‘Flinty?’

‘Yes.’

‘What was Anna driving at in there?’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’ Flinty had been wiping the same cup with her washing up sponge for way too long, but she clearly wasn’t a woman about to give up her secrets.

Bella thought back over the conversation. Maggie’s always taken care of the Lowbridge women… working up a sweat in Nina’s back shed… Maggie would love to see more of you…

Surely not. But at the same time, why not? It definitely wasn’t her place to ask. Bella dried a saucer in silence and tried to think of something else, anything else, to talk about. She told herself not to ask. Who was she kidding? ‘So you and Veronica?’ she let the question hang.

‘What about us?’ Flinty’s gaze was fixed straight ahead.

‘You’ve known each other a long time?’

‘Since we were girls,’ Flinty confirmed.

‘And… Anna seemed to be implying that you were…’ Bella was wishing she hadn’t started the sentence.

Flinty put down her washing up brush, flicked the soap suds from her fingers and turned to face Bella. ‘Well, spit it out love.’

‘…that you were close.’

Flinty didn’t budge. ‘Well we’ve known each other our whole lives, like I said. Say what you mean, lass.’

Right. In for a penny. ‘Are you banging Lady Lowbridge?’

‘No, I am not currently, as you put it, “banging” Veronica Lowbridge.’ Flinty turned back towards her washing up.

‘I’m sorry.’ Bella couldn’t imagine now what had come over her. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything. Anna got me wondering, and it was silly and…’ Flinty’s reply ran through Bella’s mind again. Wait a second. She stared at her friend. ‘What do you mean “currently”?’

Was there the tug of a smile at the corner of Flinty’s lips?

Bella felt of surge of anger on Flinty’s behalf. ‘Oh my God! So she was outing you? That’s not OK.’

‘I don’t think she was trying to “out” us, as you put it.’ Flinty paused. ‘She’s protective of me; her and Hugh both are. They think I gave my life up to drag along after her. And maybe I did, but that was my decision. It was never asked for or expected.’

Bella was still processing. ‘So, can I ask?’

‘You can ask whatever you like. Not to say I’ll answer.’

‘So when? What happened? Is it still a thing? Are you still into her?’ Flinty was here every day, despite claims of retirement. ‘You are still into her, aren’t you? Does she know?’

Flinty let out a deep sigh. ‘Well…’

Whatever she had been intending to say next was cut off by a shout from the front hallway. Bella thought of Darcy straight away. She was the one most given to histrionics. Veronica was more of a cold-hearted assassin type, but it wasn’t Darcy yelling this time. Bella dropped her tea towel and ran towards the voices.

‘Get that woman out of my house this second!’

Adam was standing by the front doors with a woman Bella had never seen before. Veronica was opposite them with a demeanour that Bella only recognised from nature documentaries. It was somewhere in the region of rabid lioness defending her cub. Darcy came down the stairs and stopped when she saw the newcomer.

‘Penny!’

The stranger nodded. ‘I was sorry when I heard about Alexander. He was a good man.’

Darcy didn’t reply. She was frozen in place on the bottom step.

‘Well,’ Flinty broke the standoff. ‘Why don’t we all take this into the Blue Room?’

‘No.’ Veronica hadn’t budged.

‘Grandmother.’ Adam’s voice was tense.

The newcomer shook her head. ‘It’s fine. I’m not going to stay. I just wanted to meet…’ She scanned around the group until her gaze landed on Bella. ‘You must be the fiancée.’

‘Yeah. I’m sorry. Who are…?’

Bella’s question seemed to jerk Adam back into life. ‘Sorry. Bel, this is my mother. Mother, this is Bella Smith.’

Adam’s mother. She was such an ephemeral figure in the way he spoke about his life that Bella had never anticipated meeting her. She stepped forward and held out her hand, only to find herself enveloped in a hug scented with seaweed and lavender. It reminded her in an instant of the fragrance and soap packs her nan used to make to sell at festivals in the summertime.

Penny pulled back from the hug and looked Bella up and down. ‘So how are you finding Lowbridge?’

‘I’m settling in.’

‘A bit different from where you’ve been before though?’

That was true. Even if Adam had only told her the bare essentials about his bride-to-be there was no arguing with simple fact. Bella wasn’t from here. She shouldn’t belong, but there was something about the tone Penny adopted – about the way it seemed to imply that they were both the same – that got Bella’s back up. She’d run away from her child with no explanation. Only in her darkest terrors could Bella imagine doing that. ‘Like I said, I’m settling in.’

‘Ow!’ Penny shuddered.

‘What’s wrong?’ Adam was looking at his mother with concern.

‘Oh. I just felt like something prodded me.’ She rubbed the side of her leg. ‘Hard. Here.’

‘Poppy,’ said Bella.

Penny frowned. ‘Oh for goodness’ sake. They’re not still pedalling that nonsense.’

It was one thing for Bella to think that but quite another for this person to come in here and cast aspersions. ‘Poppy isn’t nonsense.’

‘Whatever. She never liked me.’

‘No.’ Veronica’s tone was cool.

Penny turned back to Bella. ‘I’m sure moving on won’t be a problem for you anyway,’ Penny replied.

‘I don’t have any plans to…’ Bella looked past Penny and caught the look on Adam’s face. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Maybe we should go and sit down,’ Adam suggested.

‘We’re fine here,’ Veronica insisted.

Adam was staring at Bella. ‘Can’t we go through to the Yellow Room?’

She shook her head. It felt as though a line was being drawn, and somehow Bella was scared that she and the man she loved were going to be on different sides.

Adam took a sharp breath in. Bella could see that he was steeling himself for something. ‘I’m going to accept the McKenzie offer.’

He couldn’t. ‘What?’

‘No.’ Darcy and Veronica both spoke at once.

‘It’s his decision,’ his mother pointed out. If she was trying to help, it had the opposite effect.

Veronica shook her head. ‘It’s a family decision.’

‘And I’m as much part of his family as you are.’

When Veronica did lose her temper, even with Darcy when the two of them were at one another’s throats, she rarely shouted and she rarely screamed. Bella had only been here a few weeks but she already knew that the more furious Adam’s grandmother was, the quieter and more definite she became. She almost whispered her reply to Penny, pure rage dancing across every word. ‘No. You are not.’

‘I’m his—’

‘Do not say mother.’

‘I am—’

‘Where were you when he broke his wrist walking on Hartfield Hill? Where were you when him and Pavel Stone stole Hugh’s boat and went for a jolly in Portree? Were you here ringing the coastguard and scouring the loch for sight of them?’

‘I—’

‘Where were you when he was worrying himself into a frenzy about retaking maths again so he could get into college? Where were you when he graduated?’ Finally Veronica raised her voice. ‘I asked you a question, Penelope. Where were you?’

‘I was going crazy here.’ She looked from Veronica to Flinty and back again. ‘You were there. You saw.’

‘I was.’ Veronica’s tone softened ever so slightly. ‘I understood that you needed some time. But nearly twenty years? You missed everything.’

Penny didn’t reply.

Bella kept her gaze fixed on Adam. He hadn’t spoken since he’d announced that Lowbridge wasn’t going to be all the things Bella had hoped for. The place that she’d begun to think of as home seemed to be shifting under her feet. ‘Why?’ she asked.

‘I can’t…’ he started.

Bella didn’t want to hear, couldn’t face hearing. It wasn’t just that she was cross with him. She was cross with herself for thinking she could be somebody who put down roots. She was cross with herself for forgetting who she was. Bella Smith travelled light. Bella Smith didn’t join groups. She didn’t settle down. It didn’t matter one bit if she wanted those things or not. They simply weren’t for her.

‘It’s not about you,’ Adam started again.

That was evident. Whatever was going on in her supposed partner’s head, she hadn’t been part of it.

‘I have to go.’

‘What?’

Bella pushed past Darcy and ran up the stairs.

Adam watched her go. His mother and grandmother were still glaring at one another. His stepmother had tears rolling down her face. ‘You can’t sell Lowbridge,’ she whispered. ‘Your father loved this place.’ She gulped. ‘It’s home.’

This was why he’d pushed the feeling that he should accept John McKenzie’s offer and walk away deep down inside him. He’d known that doing what felt right for him would feel wrong for his family. ‘You can stay in the area. We’d be able to afford somewhere for everybody.’

‘Live across the river from the crumbling leftovers of the estate while McKenzie’s rich idiots barge around the rest of the place like it’s their personal playground?’ his grandmother asked. ‘Well thank goodness for that.’

Adam looked desperately to Flinty for some support. She met his gaze. ‘I think you ought to go and talk to your lassie.’

Of course he should. He couldn’t fix things here, but he could explain to Bella and he could get her to see that this decision would put them back onto the track that his father’s death had knocked them off.

He found her in the lady’s bedroom, stuffing her belongings into the rucksack she’d brought back from Spain. His blood froze. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I’ve been stupid.’

‘What do you mean?’

She picked up the waterproof she’d bought from Anna and Hugh a few weeks earlier and rolled it into a tight bundle. ‘All of this. The cookery school. Making plans.’

Adam didn’t know what to say. ‘I didn’t know it meant this much to you.’

‘How could it not? I was trying to make things work here.’ He’d never seen Bella this angry before. ‘It would have been nice to know you didn’t care before I let myself…’

‘Let yourself what?’

‘Feel at home,’ she muttered. It was more than that. ‘Fall in love.’

‘I’m sorry.’

She stared at him. ‘It’s too late.’

‘Wait.’

She watched him take a deep breath in.

‘What did you fall in love with?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well you came here because of me, right?’

She nodded.

‘And you love it here.’

‘Yes.’

‘But what about me?’

‘What about you?’

He forced himself to ask. ‘Do you still love me?’

‘Of course I do. And I understand it.’

‘What?’

It was what he’d explained to her weeks ago when he’d told her the story of the first baron and the girl from the village. ‘You are Lowbridge. I get it. Which is what makes selling even more insane, because…’ She stopped as she caught sight of his expression.

‘The baron is part of the place. The title. The laird. But I’m just Adam.’ His voice cracked. ‘I want to just be Adam. I thought you loved Adam.’

‘That’s not fair. You don’t get to make this my fault.’ She was yelling now. ‘You made a huge decision about all our futures and you didn’t even mention it to me.’ Bella stuffed the last handful of clothing into her pack, and marched past him. ‘Goodbye Lowbridge.’