Chapter 27
Lauren’s insomnia was an infrequent but annoying guest in her life.
When it did come to call, she found herself staring at her bedroom ceiling, willing sleep to come until the dawn’s grey fingers crept across the room.
In extremis, she’d sneak out of the house and go for a walk, no matter how dark or late it was, in the hope that the exercise would be enough to send her to sleep.
This, clearly, was going to be one of those nights.
Sighing, she swung her legs out of bed and threw on a pair of leggings, some thick socks and a heavy knitted jumper over her nightshirt. Grabbing her woolly hat and gloves and a thick jacket, she slid her feet into her wellies and set out, hoping a meander would settle her mind and her body.
Sometimes the ‘noise’ around her was to blame for her insomnia.
The café had been unusually busy that afternoon; a lot of people in Lower Brambleton were now off for the Christmas holidays and so she’d been rushed off her feet preparing drink after drink and eking out the slices of cake and sweet treats so everyone could get what they wanted.
There had been lots of children in, too, which, while lovely, added its own brand of unpredictability to the mix.
She’d been glad of the little boxes of crayons and colouring sheets she’d bought – most of the kids appreciated them while the adults had a chat.
Closing at gone five thirty, Lauren’s tiredness had overwhelmed her.
So much so that she’d dropped off on the settee and only woken up three hours later.
That was probably more likely to be the reason for her alertness at midnight.
She’d made herself a sandwich and then gone to bed at her usual time.
Well, if a walk was what it took, then a walk it was going to be.
The moonlight lit her way as she strode out, muscle memory taking her along the footpath that led to the lake.
Bright stars in the clear, cold night looked watchfully down.
Lauren relished the quiet. This was what she needed to decompress.
Reaching the lake, she began her usual route around it.
She tried to clear her mind of the anxieties of the day and focus on her surroundings.
The bare trees, stripped of their leaves for winter, looked silvered in the moonlight, and the lake was a black, rippling mass of darkness, the slight breeze ruffling its surface as a reminder of its presence. There wasn’t a soul in sight.
She thought back to the text she’d received from Marc that afternoon – clearly, he hadn’t been put off by her response to his suggestion of a drink.
It was lovely to know that the boys liked their cakes.
Thinking about them all having a great time made her smile, and she was still meandering in her own train of thought when she gave a start.
Up ahead, someone was sitting on the bench near the lake house.
About a hundred or so feet from the back of the house, it was a popular spot, just far enough away not to intrude on the property’s boundaries and privacy.
In the daylight it attracted walkers who wanted a breather, but Lauren hadn’t expected to see anyone there at night.
Perhaps it was someone, the worse for wear, after a Christmas night out, sobering up before going home, or maybe, like her, a fellow insomniac.
She quickened her pace. She didn’t want to disturb whomever it was.
As Lauren drew closer, though, her plans of just hurrying past were forgotten.
She recognised the figure hunched on the bench.
Feeling a combination of relief that it was someone familiar but also concerned that he should be out here by himself in the dark, she dithered about whether or not to approach him.
Perhaps he was out here, just snatching a few moments alone and wouldn’t want to be disturbed.
She thought about turning around and retracing her own steps, but she’d walked most of the lake’s circumference and the thought of going all the way back round so late at night made her feel nervous.
It had been a bit of a mad decision to take a nocturnal amble around the lake as it was; she didn’t want to extend that now that she herself felt so much calmer.
Making the decision just to hurry on past and not disturb him, she firmly shone her torch on the path in front of her and made to walk by the bench.
Drawing closer though, she could see that Marc had his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking and his breathing ragged.
She could not in all conscience carry on walking once she realised he was upset.
‘Marc?’ Lauren said softly as she came within three or four yards of him. ‘Is everything all right?’
Marc’s head snapped up from his hands, and he hurriedly scrubbed at his eyes before turning in her direction.
‘Oh, hi,’ he said gruffly. ‘I didn’t think anyone would be out here so late.’
‘I couldn’t sleep. I often take a wander if I know I’m just not gonna get back to sleep.
Something about this place, probably the fresh air, makes me feel better.
And I’m sure you already know this since you live right by the lakeside, but it feels different at night.
’ Lauren was aware that she was trying to fill an awkward meeting with chatter, but she could do little to stop herself.
‘What brings you out so late?’ she added gently.
Marc sighed. ‘I couldn’t sleep, either. Silly, really, I’ve been on the go all day, but…’ He trailed off with a slight break in his voice that made Lauren’s heart ache.
‘Sometimes a bit of time and space is what you need.’ Lauren didn’t move any closer, unsure whether or not she should try to sit down on the bench. She couldn’t work out if it would be better to leave Marc alone to his thoughts, or whether he wanted to talk. The darkness didn’t help.
Marc nodded. ‘I think you’re right.’
Well, that seemed conclusive. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then.’ Lauren took a step away.
‘No, please don’t.’ This time, there was an audible shake in Marc’s voice. ‘If you’ve got a minute or two… would you come and sit down?’
Lauren nodded, and then realised Marc couldn’t see her very well. ‘Yes, of course I will.’ She seated herself carefully on the bench, leaving a little space between them.
‘I suppose it’s days like this that I realise what a gap there is in mine and the kids’ lives,’ Marc said quietly, half to himself and half to Lauren.
‘We had a great day. Noah and Bella came over, and the boys had invited a couple of friends.’ He glanced over at her, and Lauren could see that his eyes were reddened.
‘But it’s not the same, doing it alone.’
‘I can’t imagine how that must feel,’ Lauren replied gently. ‘But I’m sure you did a great job.’
‘It was great at the time, but now I can’t stop thinking about what Tessa would’ve done,’ Marc continued, leaning forward and resting his hands on his knees.
‘Would she have played the games I did? Bought them the same presents? Done the same party bags?’ He shook his head.
‘It’s a total mind fuck, thinking about it, but I can’t help myself.
And whenever I do, I know I can’t measure up. I wish…’
Lauren’s breath hitched. She knew what he was wishing for, and her heart ached at the rawness of his voice.
‘I wish she’d been the one still here instead of me.
She’d know what to do. I just feel like I’m stumbling in the dark most of the time.
’ Marc’s hands were knotted at the back of his neck now, as if the weight of his thoughts was too heavy to contemplate.
Half talking to himself, he continued, ‘I still miss her, of course I do, but most of the time, now, I can cope with it. Day to day, things run fine, we all get through, and we’ve got a good routine.
I suppose I feel it more when it’s something out of the ordinary. It creeps up on you, you know.’
‘Well,’ Lauren said gently, ‘for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a great job.
’ She moved a little closer to him, and, taking a risk, put a hand on his back.
‘The boys are healthy, happy, and it sounds like they had a brilliant party. I overheard one of the mums talking about it when I popped into Saints’ Farm Store for some extra milk earlier this evening, and she said her son, Joe, is it, really enjoyed himself.
Although she was a little concerned that he’d eaten his body weight in Haribo! ’
Marc turned his head towards her and gave her the ghost of a smile. ‘That’s good to know. I wasn’t quite sure how much of the stuff to buy, and I might have over-egged it a bit.’
‘Maybe you should take the win,’ she added. She realised her hand was still on his back, and, blushing slightly, she broke contact.
‘Maybe.’ Marc’s eyes were still meeting hers, and Lauren felt her blush growing stronger.
She was glad it was so dark. ‘And I was going to pop into the café and let you know that the cakes were a roaring success, no pun intended! Luca loved Captain Barnacles, and Liam tried to build his cake in the Minecraft app this evening, when his friends had left. Thank you so much for all of your hard work.’
‘You’re welcome.’ Lauren’s smile covered her blushes, or so she hoped. ‘It was good for me to do something out of my comfort zone.’
They both sat back against the bench and looked out over the calm, dark expanse of Willowmere Lake.
‘This is going to sound weird,’ Marc said quietly, ‘but I wonder if it’s possible to be happy and sad for the same reason?
I miss Tessa and I always will, but today, all the way through the party, I also felt happy that the boys and I had had such a great time together.
Does that sound horrible? Does it make me a bad person for feeling proud that we did it by ourselves? ’
Lauren shook her head. ‘Not at all.’ She turned to look at him.
‘When my mum had her accident, for years afterwards I felt sad to have lost the version of her that I’d known.
She was so different from the person I loved.
She had to relearn so much, and I was the one who had to teach her, when the carers and the physios left for the day.
For a long time, I couldn’t reconcile the person she is now with the person she had been, and I was angry – with her, at the situation, at our life – until I realised something.
That anger, and that dwelling on what might’ve been, wasn’t hurting anyone but me.
I had to let go of all those feelings, and relearn, just like Mum had, how to be happy and grateful for the things we still had.
Maybe that’s what you and the boys need to hold on to. ’
‘Losing Tessa was so unbelievably hard,’ Marc said. ‘And it’s so easy to say let it go, but maybe you’ve got a point.’
‘I’m not saying let her go,’ Lauren added quickly. ‘It’s more like, celebrate what you all still have. Love the boys and the parts of Tessa that are in them, and enjoy that as a separate thing from your sadness about losing her. One doesn’t cancel out the other.’
‘Very wise.’ Marc shuffled on the bench, and with a jolt Lauren realised their knees were almost touching.
She stayed still, not wanting to break the moment.
They turned towards each other, and Marc’s eyes locked on hers.
She could see the length of his long, dark eyelashes and the moonlight reflected in his irises.
‘Thank you,’ Marc murmured. ‘I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, tonight, but you’ve been lovely.’ He laughed nervously. ‘I mean, it’s been lovely.’
‘It has.’ Lauren smiled again. ‘I know you’ve got all kinds of people around you to help, but if you need another chat… well, you know where to find me.’
They gazed at each other for a few more seconds.
Lauren’s heart was racing, and, had the situation been different, she would have been imagining bridging that gap between them with a kiss.
Marc seemed to be heading in the same direction, but, at that moment, a ping from his phone made them both move back.
‘Sorry,’ Marc said as he pulled it out of his pocket.
‘I have an Alexa set up in the boys’ room so I can hear them if they wake up.
The range is pretty good, about a hundred yards, so I can just about get away with being out here.
It’s far enough away to give me the illusion of a little space, but close enough that I can sprint back if they need me. ’
‘Very sensible.’ Lauren smiled. ‘I’d better get back, too. Although the café’s closed on a Sunday, I’ve got a bit more baking to do ready for Christmas Eve. We ran out of everything today.’ She stood up. ‘Take care, Marc.’
‘You too.’ Marc stood as well, and there was a moment of confusion and some nervous laughter when they both tried to go the same way.
Their bodies bumped a little in the dark, and Lauren’s heart jumped in her chest. She put out a hand and touched Marc’s arm as she moved past him. ‘See you soon, I hope.’
‘I hope so, too.’
As Lauren made her way back home, she mulled over the conversation. Marc was clearly still grieving, but the looks they’d exchanged at the end of the conversation felt like… something. Shaking her head, she tried to shake the feeling off, too.