CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
This is how it always goes
VANESSA
The light cascading through the open blinds wakes me before my alarm. Jake’s arm is deadweight over my naked body, the thin white sheet draping low on his hips.
Last night was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while. Well, besides my parents constant interruptions.
My mom messaged me last night after I kept dodging her calls, asking for me to call her this morning. Normally I’d leave her on Read, but the URGENT and the we pay your bills is reason enough for me to reach out later.I’ve been avoiding them all weekend. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of going home for the holiday weekend. Does it make me a bad daughter if I don’t want to go?
I wonder what my relationship with my parents would be like if I became the girl they always wanted me to be. Someone who chooses her career based on money rather than something she enjoys doing. Maybe we would spend every holiday together, be able to laugh and joke with one another, we could have family dinners when they visit—maybe in another life they would’ve cared about my interests.
Seeing Jake with his parents this weekend, I got to witness what an actual loving and supportive family is like. I know that both of his parents are hard workers, but they still managed to come all the way to Nashville to watch their son play his favorite sport. Even his younger sister missed one of her recitals this weekend to be here.
Unconditional love and support from my family is something I’ve always yearned for, but I think it’s time for me to come to terms that it will never happen. All I can do is fill my life with my chosen family, like Sydney and Maddie—even the boys at this point. I fill my life with people who actually care about me and my hobbies and don’t put me down for wanting to break the norm of my family.
An alarm breaks my train of thought, some random chime of bells ringing loudly next to Jake.
Lazily, Jake turns over, lifting his arm off me to grab his phone and shut off the annoying sound. “Sorry,” his deep voice mumbles, still half asleep.
“It’s okay, I was already up,” I say in a low tone, my voice still laced with sleep.
Jake moves to sit up in the bed, stretching his arms out wide and releases a sound that I can only describe as a groan mixed with a screech.
Slowly, he moves out of the bed and I get a peek at his very cute and very plump butt. They always say that boys who play baseball have the best butts, but I’ve seen enough athletes to know that hockey is definitely the supreme sport.
Every time I see him naked, I fight the urge to just take a little nibble of him.
“Do you wanna have breakfast with my family before we leave? They’re just downstairs in the hotel restaurant.” His voice is still groggy as he slips his jeans from last night back on.
His request takes me by surprise.I’ve heard countless stories about his family, so it feels like I already know them, but we haven’t officially met yet. I watched them from afar this weekend, supporting Jake and his passion for hockey, but I never went up to them and introduced myself. Mainly because I have no idea if Jake has even mentioned me to them.
My stomach twists thinking of meeting them this morning, especially after sleeping with their son last night—it’s a little unnerving.
“Uh, I—”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to meet them. I introduce all of my friends to my family ’cause they’re a little intrusive with everything in my life.” His confession lightens up the mood.
I wonder how they reacted to meeting Kieran. The dark and broody best friend. Or Nate, the stern but loving dad of the group. I’m sure meeting Eli and his bubbly himbo attitude made a good impression, and I can guarantee he hit on Mrs. Shepherd.
“No—I’d love to go for breakfast. I was just going to say that I need a minute to get dressed and pack my stuff.”
I look around the room and realize that most of my belongings are already in my suitcase or are at least somewhat organized on the floor.
Jake chuckles at my awkwardness. “Take your time. I’m gonna run to my room to shower and change. Meet me in the lobby once you’re ready.” He pulls on his shirt and grabs his plaid jacket from the ground before heading out.
Okay, this is going to be fine. I’m sure his family is warm and welcoming, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Well, except for them not liking me.
No, it’ll be fine. It’s just like when I had dinner with Maddie and her parents for the first time. We’ll chat and laugh, and then it’ll be over and I’ll realize that I was stressing over nothing.
I find a pair of bootcut leggings and slip them on with a black sweater. We have a long bus ride home today, so as much as I want to look nice for Jake’s parents, I also want to be comfortable for the ride back to campus.I brush my hair and my teeth and apply a tinted sunscreen to my face so I look a little more alive.
As I head out my door and down to the lobby, Jake is down the hallway with his bag in his hand, waiting for the elevator. He went for a similar outfit, gray sweatpants and his BCU hoodie. It’s one of my favorites and I love wearing it every time I go to his place.
“My mom and sister both love to pry, so if they come across a little strong, that’s just the way they are.”
“Nosey, just like me.” I do love to know what’s going on in everyone’s lives. I think I inherited that trait from Sydney.
We leave our bags outside next to our bus as everyone slowly wakes up and starts bringing their own luggage down.
As Coach Wilson walks out the front doors, we almost collide with him. He looks at Jake first, giving him a knowing nod, and then smiles at me. A sight not many people get to witness.
“Bus leaves at nine, so you make sure both of you are on it.”
We head inside to the small restaurant that’s attached to the hotel. Some of his teammates litter the tables, grabbing a quick bite before we all hit the road. I spot his family right away, sitting at the far booth next to a giant window, the morning sun peeking through the sheer curtains.
As we approach them, his parents both stand from their seats, immediately engulfing their son in a hug. It’s bittersweet, standing behind them, watching parents hug one of their children that they love endlessly. I don’t remember the last time I hugged either of my parents.
“Mom, Dad, this is Vanessa.” Jake steps to the side, letting his parents see me.
I extend a hand out to his mom first, then his dad, whose grip is firm and fingers calloused just like Jake’s.
“It’s so nice to meet the two of you, Jake has told me so much about all of you.”
The smiles on their faces are sweet and genuine as they motion for us to sit down, Jake taking the seat in between me and his sister.Jake and his dad immediately start talking hockey and my heart starts to beat at a more controlled pace as my anxiety starts to fade away.
“And I’m Autumn, but it seems my brother doesn’t think I need an introduction.” Her slender frame peeks out from behind Jake’s chair, extending her well-manicured hand to mine.
“Ah, yes, the infamous Autumn. Jake’s told me a lot about you.” My mind flashes over all the information Jake has given me over the past month.
Autumn is a kind-hearted girl who has a passion for dance. She loves to tease Jake, but he has the biggest soft spot for her. I think she’s one of the few people who Jake would do anything for. He told me that one year for Halloween he dressed up as a princess to go trick or treating with Autumn—like, c’mon, that’s just too sweet.
“Hopefully he told you good things too.”
“Maybe a little bit of both.” I wink at her and she laughs. “It’s really sweet of you to miss your dance recital to come out for Jake’s tournament.”
She flicks her hand, as if the gesture was nothing. “We already made it to regionals, this recital is just a chance for parents to see our routine before we perform in Philly. And my dance instructor loves me, so she didn’t mind if I skipped this weekend.”
She resembles Jake, but her attitude reminds me of Sydney. I wonder if Jake and Autumn bicker like Sydney and Nate do.
My phone buzzes on the table, rattling against the silverware.My mother’s name flashes across the screen as I quickly silence the call, sending her to voice mail for the fifth time this week.
“Sorry,” I mumble, but before anyone else can say anything, my phone immediately starts vibrating again.
Jake’s mom stares at my phone with concern. “It’s okay sweetie, you can answer it.”
“I’m sorry, it’ll only take a minute.” I excuse myself from the table, silently cursing my parents for their impeccable timing.
I head to the hallway that leads to the bathroom so that Jake and his family can’t overhear our conversation.
“Hello?” I answer quickly, annoyance clear in my tone.
“It’s about time you answered.” My dad’s voice is curt on the other end. I hear the whisper of wind in the background and can immediately tell that they’re both in the car, with me on speakerphone.
“Will you be joining us next weekend for Thanksgiving? Your Aunt Helen wants to host it at the Hamptons house. And since you missed the funeral, I’m sure everyone is expecting you to come.” Her voice is stern, wanting to get an answer out of me quickly.Our conversations are never long.
I’ve already given thought to this upcoming holiday, and I’ve been dreading talking to my parents about it. We’re getting to the end of the fall semester and I have a few big assignments coming up after the long weekend. I want to stay in the city and spend most of my time in my room. I’ll order myself a pizza on Thanksgiving and watch the Macy’s Parade by myself.
“Yeah, I don’t know if I can make it, I have a huge project due for my social media class—”
“Social media? How does that even qualify as a course? You should rethink changing your major if you want to find a career when you graduate.”
Her words are sharp, slicing small cuts into me. She does this every time we have a conversation. Mom always tries to make me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing and making horrible life choices.I thought that by now I’d be used to my parents’ disapproval, but every now and again a pang of guilt swallows me whole, making me feel like I’m a failure.
“If it makes you feel better, I’m still taking a political science course every semester like you asked, but you know that I’m pursuing photography.”
I hear a scoff on the other end of the phone, and then I hear my dad’s calming voice in the background, trying to advocate for me. “At least she’s taking some realistic classes. You never know, she could always change her mind.”
This is how it always goes. My dad will pretend to support me, but once Mom hints at any sign of disapproval, he immediately shifts his opinion to agree with her.I’m always fighting the two of them alone. Some days I wish I had a sibling to share the burden of my family with. But then I feel selfish for wishing that upon someone else.
“No, Dad, I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve loved photography my entire life, why is this so hard for the two of you to accept?” I wish that they understood my passion, or at least pretended to care.
“I’ll just tell the family she’s busy with a case study and doesn’t want to jeopardize her education.” As if they ignored everything I just said.
“ Or you could just tell them the truth.” The words come out low, almost a whisper, as if I didn’t really want them to hear me.
“And become the laughingstock of the family? I don’t think so.” Mom huffs out a breath before continuing, “Why can’t you be more like your cousins? Mark is interning on Wall Street, Theo is finishing his last year of undergrad and starts his residency at Johns Hopkins next year, and even little Sarah got accepted into MIT for computer science. Do you know how embarrassing it is when they ask us what you’re up to? While you’re wasting away your education taking photos and partying, your cousins are getting their lives together. So, no, Vanessa, I will not be telling them the truth. If I did, I would never hear the end of it, especially from Aunt Helen.”
Yeah well, Aunt Helen is a megabitch.
Sometimes I wonder if Mom ever gets exhausted trying to meet and uphold the standards of our family. She loves comparing me to my cousins because they’re all following the life plan that their parents perfectly laid out for them while I’ve rejected mine since the day I learned the word no .
I’ll never meet the standards of my family. Instead, I’ll be the castaway. The black sheep. Eventually I’ll stop being invited to events and I’ll be the one who they whisper about during family gatherings.The saddest part of it all is that I’m used to it by now.I always get compared to my family. Someone is always outperforming me or doing something worthy of my family’s attention. No one cares about me or what I’ve done. When I had my photographs displayed at a gallery back in high school, none of my family members showed up. They all claimed to have a valid excuse to not be present.
No matter what I do or how much I try to appease them, I know deep down that it’ll never be enough. I’ll never be enough.
I don’t allow my parents to continue their teardown, so I end the conversation. “I’m sorry that you’re so embarrassed by me that you feel the need to lie about my life. And I’m sorry I missed the funeral, but I won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving, use whatever excuse you want.”
My finger slams on the screen, ending the call. One single tear slips from my eye and I quickly bat it away not realizing how worked up I got during our conversation. One day I’m going to confront my family. I’ll find the courage to tell them all off and make a life of my own without them.
I take a couple of deep breaths to soothe myself before I make my way back to the table.My face is smiling but everything else feels heavy. Sunken. Empty.
“Is everything alright with your parents?” Mrs. Shepherd asks innocently. Her gaze is tender, concerned—like a parent should be. She has no idea what my family is like, so I force a smile and shove down the dark feeling.
My relationship with my parents is rocky, but I never thought that they would blatantly lie to my family about my life.
It makes me feel like a disappointment.
Instead of spilling this to Jake’s parents, I lock the feeling away so I can deal with it later. “Oh yes, my mom was checking in before the holidays.”
“Are you spending Thanksgiving with your folks?” His dad’s question tugs at my heartstrings.
I wish so badly that holidays with my family would be like everyone else’s. Everyone would get together around a squished dinner table, trading stories about their lives and being grateful for everything that we have. Instead, my family gatherings consist of low whispers and judgmental looks.
“I’m actually staying in the city for Thanksgiving. My family travels a lot, so sometimes plans change unexpectedly.”
It’s not technically a lie—but I don’t think breakfast is an appropriate time to air my family’s dirty laundry.
Jake rests his hand on my knee under the table and gives it a small squeeze, silently letting me know that he’s here for me.I’m sure he could tell by my expression when I got back to the table that it wasn’t a good conversation.
“Well, you’re more than welcome to come to our home for the holiday. It’s not like we haven’t hosted some of Jake’s friends before, we have more than enough space.”
His mom’s offer warms my heart. It’s not often you’ll find someone willing to extend an invite to a girl they just met.
“No-no, I don’t want to intrude.”
Jake’s dad interjects, “Nonsense. You and Jake can come out next Friday and spend the weekend. We love hosting. Hopefully the remaining leaves stay on the trees for another week. We’ve had such a lovely fall season so far.”
I look at Jake and he smiles at me. His family is genuinely sweet and they’re not offering for me to join them because I’m his girlfriend but because I’m simply his friend . It would be rude of me to decline.
“Okay, thank you for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd.”
“Please, all of Jake’s friends call us by our names—Amelia and Parker.”
I give his mom a warm smile.
I spend the rest of breakfast listening to Jake tell his family about school and his other friends. They’re attentive the whole time, listening to everything that he’s saying. Autumn makes comments here and there, casually teasing Jake.
Maybe spending a holiday with an actual loving and supportive family will be exactly what I need.
I’ve never been more grateful to be back at school and not cramped on a Greyhound with tired, grumpy hockey players. I think my butt is permanently numb from those seats.
We got home early Monday morning and I ended up staying the night at Jake’s house, not wanting to Uber from the campus back home or risk waking up Sydney or Maddie.Waking up for my class the next morning was brutal. I think the only reason I got out of bed was because of the aroma of the coffee beans wafting up the stairs from the kitchen. Jake brewed an extra-strong pot so we could all survive the day.
As I shove another salt and vinegar chip into my mouth, our front door whips open and Sydney walks in, her hands overflowing with textbooks, her laptop, notes, and other school supplies.
“Where the hell is your bag?”
She tumbles into the living room, dropping her belongings onto the couch next to me. “It broke! I was walking on campus and all of a sudden, poof. ” Her hands flare like a firework. “All of my shit fell out and I had to carry it all back here.” Sydney plops on the couch and dramatically flails her arms up, clearly agitated. “Ugh, anyway.” She sits up and clears her throat before yelling, “Maddie! Get your ass out here.”
It’s silent for a moment, but then we hear the click of Maddie’s door open and her footsteps rush to us on the couch.
“Oh good, we’re all finally home.” Maddie takes a seat, joining us. “All right, girl, fill us in on everything since you barely responded to our texts all weekend.”
My cheeks blush thinking about the events of the weekend.I don’t know where to start, so I spill everything to them in the span of thirty minutes, not sparing any details, even the nitty gritty stuff.
“Wait wait wait, so Jake punched him because he said he wanted to fuck you?”
“Yeah, something along those lines. He didn’t want to go into all the details with me because he said it would make me vomit, so I let it go.”
Sydney fans her face. “Wow, that’s hot. If my friends-with-benefits companion punched a guy in his face for making a gross comment, I’d be naked in a heartbeat.”
I roll my eyes at her. She believes that Jake and I are meant to be after I told them about our night spent walking around with each other.
Maddie sits quietly in the corner of the couch, picking at the skin of her nail beds. She only does this when she has something to say but is choosing to keep quiet.
“What’s wrong?”
She looks up at me and then to Sydney, silently communicating before her eyes finally land back on me, giving me a stressed look. “That sounds very boyfriend to me. Same with meeting his parents and inviting you to Thanksgiving.”
The honesty of Maddie’s observation hits me.I’ve been trying to not think about it that way. Is going to Jake’s home for Thanksgiving a step too far?A part of me is curious and wants to go. I’m almost excited to see his childhood home and the town where he grew up. I want to see old photo albums and the way he decorated his room.
Maddie’s eyes go wide. “ Oh my god! Are you guys dating?” Her face immediately turns to joy, Sydney’s eyes popping at the accusation.
“No! No way.” The excitement immediately fades from them as I continue, “We’re just not sleeping with other people.”
Sydney’s brow raises. “So you’re dating without labels?”
Maddie nods her head, agreeing with Sydney’s question.
“Well…no. We’re still friends with benefits, but now we’re exclusively sleeping together.”
“That’s basically dating.”
“Yeah, you guys hang out all the time, sleep together, study together. Didn’t you say that he brought you a latte to practice? Sounds a lot like a relationship to me.” Maddie agrees.
“Can we move on?”
It’s not that I’m fully against relationships. But every time I feel like I’m ready to open myself up to someone, fear freezes me in place. Maybe one day I’ll allow myself that kind of happiness.
“Okay, fine, we’ll move on. You mentioned your parents called you at breakfast, what did Veronica and William have to say now?” Maddie spits their name out like acid.
She’s never respected my parents because of the way they treat me. She and Sydney both have two parents who are very involved in their lives—sometimes I can see the pity in their eyes when I tell them childhood stories.
I take a deep breath before I open that wound. “Let’s sum it up for you—I’m an embarrassment of a daughter, they told me that they constantly lie about my life to my family, and I’ll never be enough for them.”My voice hitches at the end of my statement, coming out more like a hiccup.
Sydney moves next to me and wraps me in a hug. “I’m sorry they’re so shitty to you. Just know that we are both very proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished. Your family might not see how amazing and unique and gifted you are, but your friends see you.”
I stifle a sob.I truly have the best friends on this planter. And Sydney’s right, I don’t need my parents approval. The only people whose opinions I care about are sitting in this room with me, showing me their unconditional love.