CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
A complete dumpster fire
VANESSA
It’s been three days.
Three days since I’ve left my room.
Three days since I’ve talked to anyone.
Three days since my heart was set afire and turned into ash.
I’ve only left the comfort of my bed to get food from the kitchen or to write an exam. Maddie and Sydney have both tried talking to me, but my mouth comes up empty every time I try to open it. There’s nothing to say anyway.My brain is exhausted from studying and overthinking. I think I’ve given myself a permanent migraine.
There’s been an internal battle going on in my head, debating whether I should be mad or upset, or let the numbness take over.
I’m sure most people would say that Jake didn’t cheat on me because we were broken up that night. Those same people would agree that Ross and Rachel were on a break.
To me, it’s all the same. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to understand how Jake could sleep with someone else only hours after breaking up. I know I broke his heart, I’m not innocent here, but how does that give him the excuse to go sleep with someone right off the bat?
I was sulking in my bed that night while he was in someone else’s.
I can’t get the image out of my head. I didn’t need to see it firsthand to let my mind play it out for me. Imagining all the things he used to do to me, the things he probably did to her. Did he caress her face? Did he kiss her entire body and tell her how beautiful she is? I’m sure he did much more than that.
This is the spiral I keep going down.
I never should’ve let my guard down. You never know when the rug is going to be pulled out from under your feet.
I’ve kept my phone on Do Not Disturb since that night , not wanting anyone to bother me.I should block his number. I know I should, but every time I try, my finger hovers over the button, too scared to move.
Geez, I’m so pathetic.
“Vanessa?” Maddie’s voice carries through my closed door as she knocks. “Are you okay?”
No, I am far from being okay.
“I’m studying. Can we talk later?”
It’s a lie, but she doesn’t have to know that. I’m not the best company to have around right now. I’m sure she wants to talk about what’s going on and make me feel better, but I’m not in the headspace for conversations right now.
A few seconds pass before I hear an “Okay” whisper through the door and her retreating footsteps.
My friends have tried to comfort me—be a safe place, but I’m in no mood for comfort. When I came back from Jake’s the other night, Sydney was waiting for me in the living room with a soft blanket and a cup of tea.I have a feeling Maddie warned her before I got home.But instead of sitting on the couch with Sydney, I kindly took the tea from her and barricaded myself in my room instead. I built up a wall of silence, wanting to sit and wallow in my room until I turn into a crazy cat lady.
My alarm starts blaring next to me, shaking me out of my head fog.
Shit . If I don’t get out of bed right now I’m going to be late for my last exam if I don’t get out of bed. My feather duvet is heavy and cozy, I don’t know if I want to leave.
At least I’m lucky enough that my last final is for my film class. The study material consisted of me sitting in front of my laptop streaming all the films we watched this semester and going over class notes.
The first movie I watched for this class was The Godfather .
With Jake.
That usual butterfly feeling I’d get when thinking of him has been replaced with an empty, sinking feeling.
I change out of my day-old clothes, swapping my dirty sweatpants for a pair of clean jeans. I have zero motivation to do much else than toss on a baggy sweater and pull a toque over my head. Somehow, I find the energy to brush my teeth and put moisturizer on so at least I don’t feel like a complete mess.
The condo is quiet.It’s still early in the morning, so I tiptoe across the hardwood, trying to avoid my friends on my way out. Sydney and Maddie have both finished all of their exams, and I can’t wait to get this over with so I can officially be on winter break.
And, girl, do I need a break.
Campus isn’t a far walk from our building. I’d rather face the cold and freshly fallen snow than have to wait for a crowded city bus. And it gives me time to listen to music and clear my head.Music seems to be one of the only things that keeps me busy.
By the time I make it to campus, I can feel my cheeks burning from the icy wind. I’m sure they’re the same shade as a rose.The quad looks bare in the winter—snow covering the picnic tables that normally are crowded with people in the warmer months, trees stripped of all their leaves, nothing left besides footprints in the freshly fallen snow.
“Vanessa!”
My heart drops into my stomach at the sound of his voice.
Jake.
This is not what I needed this morning. Was it really too much to ask for an easy, uninterrupted morning? All I wanted was to finish my last exam then go home and curl into the fetal position in my bed.
I turn around to see him jogging over, his backpack hanging over his shoulders, bobbing as he makes his way toward me.It takes only seconds for his long legs to cover half of the quad and stand near me. He’s smart enough to keep some distance between us.
“What do you want?”I keep my tone cold and my words short. He is the last person I wanted to run into today.
“I-I wanted to know if we could talk?”
“I have an exam in ten minutes.” My words come out stronger than intended. I thought from days of crying that my throat would be hoarse by now.
“Okay, how about after? I can wait for you and we can get coffee.”
I want to feel angry toward him— but I can’t. The old me would’ve told Jake to get lost and to go kick stones. But the Vanessa he’s looking at now is broken.
I mask my emotions so he can’t tell how destroyed I am seeing him face to face. “I can’t. I’m leaving for New York tonight.”
It’s not a full lie. I’m not leaving tonight but I am going home for a week to spend the holidays with my family. I wouldn’t normally accept their invitation, but I’d rather be anywhere but here.
He huffs out a laugh. “Really? You’d rather lie about visiting your family than give me ten minutes of your time? ”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I am going home. And you don’t deserve any of my time. Not anymore.”
His cold blue eyes narrow on me, trying to read if I’m lying. The fucking audacity.
“Why would you choose to spend a week with them knowing they’re just going to tear you apart?”
I spent a lot of time thinking about that.I made the adult decision to put everything behind me for now so at least I won’t be alone during the holidays.
“Y’know what, Jake, what I choose to do with my life is none of your damn business anymore. You lost that privilege when you were balls deep in Caroline.” I turn away, about to make my way toward the student center, but the little green monster inside of me wants to hurt Jake. “I’d like to say it was great seeing you, but it wasn’t. And the next time you see me, pretend you don’t.”
I don’t wait for his response.I pump my legs faster until I reach the inside of the student center. My cheeks finally start thawing as soon as the heat hits my face, but the warmth also seems to unfreeze my tear ducts. I bat away a couple loose tears, I don’t want to be that girl crying on campus before an exam.
Before heading to the auditorium, I run to the washroom to do a once-over.My eyes are puffy from nights of crying and my cheeks are still a little red from the cold. At least my fogged-up glasses have cleared up.
I just have to get through this exam and then I’m free.Free to go home for the holidays and probably hate my life the entire time I’m there. Maybe by the time I’m back on campus for the Winter Wonder tournament, I’ll be ready to face Jake without wanting to curl up into a ball and cry.
By the time I left campus the sun had been captured by gray clouds and the tolerable midday chill turned agonizingly cold.
The second I got home I shed all of my winter gear and huddled myself in a thick pair of sweats.
While I was trying to find a hoodie to put on, I found myself finding things of Jake’s—his Wolves hoodie, many of his T-shirts, and his favorite pair of black sweatpants he left here back in November.I remember the night he gave them to me. He came over after a home game, promising me great sex and a cozy night. We stayed in my room, ordered dinner, and spent hours watching The Office , gorging ourselves on snacks. He even tried a salt and vinegar chip that night—he gagged after taking a bite.
Goddammit. M y stupid emotions.
Every thought, every memory of him swallows me whole, drowning me in a sea of sadness.I’m stuck between wanting to eat a pint of ice cream while crying in my bed or burning everything in sight that reminds me of him.
Okay, that might be a little too dramatic.
Instead of doing either, I find myself collecting the things that remind me of him and packing them into an empty box. Everything—his clothes, the custom camera strap he got for my birthday, the postcards I collected from each city we had an out-of-town game, and other memorabilia from the time we spent together.All of it fits perfectly in the box, as if it was made to tuck away all of my memories, never to be opened again.
As I tape the box shut, I feel a sense of relief wash over me. I don’t feel completely better, but closing the box made me feel lighter.
I hear the front door swing open and close and a wave of guilt rushes over me. Maybe it is time for me to talk to my friends. I shouldn’t leave for winter break without speaking to them.
My door squeaks as I open it, finding Maddie in the hall undoing her boots.
“Hey.”
Her head whips in my direction. “Hi. How are you feeling?”
I shrug. “Is now a good time to talk?”
“Yeah, yes, definitely, my ears are wide open.” She grabs her boot and flings it off her foot.
I motion my thumb to the living room. “Couch?”
We settle onto the sectional as Sydney walks through the door.
“Oooh, just in time for girl talk! Wow, I have great timing.” She squeals, running into the room, not caring that her snow-soaked boots are getting all over the hardwood floors.
Sydney slides off her black platform boots, chucks them toward the hallway, and shimmies out of her coat as she settles comfortably on the couch with us.
“What’d I miss?”
“Nothing, we literally just sat down.”
The two of them look at me, patiently waiting for me to talk first. Sydney sits with her legs crossed and her freshly manicured hands folded in her lap. This is might be the longest we’ve gone without speaking—all by my doing. For the past few days I’ve been lost. I didn’t want to say anything to them because I don’t want to come off pathetic, because I do still care about Jake. As much as it pains me to admit.
“So…how were exams?”
They both look at me with dead eyes. Yeah, that’s definitely not what they wanted to hear.
“Nope. You’re not weaseling you’re way out of this conversation. We want all the details, Vanessa. We’ve given you your space, allowing you to sulk and mope around for days, but it’s time to share what happened with Jake. We hate seeing you like this.” Sydney leans over toward me, putting her hand on my knee.
“What do you want to know exactly?”
“ Everything. One moment you were ready to win Jake back, and then literally forty minutes later you come home in tears.”
I let out a long sigh before starting, “I went over to Jake’s to apologize. And when I got there…”I close my eyes, picturing Jake’s shirtless body standing in front of Caroline. He looked so relaxed, his broad arms encasing her on the counter. Before I can stop myself, my brain imagines what they did together and I swallow back the sob that wants to break free.“He slept with Caroline.”
Sydney’s mouth drops open in an O shape.
“You’re kidding me?” She rolls her sleeves up to her elbows. “Oh, I’m going to fucking kill him. I’ll call Nate right now. Maddie, you study dead bodies, surely you know how to get rid of one.”
“I mean, you’re not wrong.”
“Guys, it’s fine.” It’s not, but isn’t that what people normally say in this type of situation? “I ran into him today.”
Maddie squints her eyes, focusing on me. “What did he say?”
“He asked if I’d go for coffee with him to talk.”
“And?”
“And I basically told him to forget that I exist.”
Sydney nods her head at my response, understanding where I’m coming from. She’s had her fair share of bad breakups, so if anyone knows my situation best, it would be her.
“Do you really think he slept with her? Maybe you should hear him out.”
Maddie’s suggestion has both me and Sydney whipping our heads in her direction.
“Why the hell should I do that?”
“I don’t know, but if he’s trying to reach out to you, there has to be a reason why. Maybe he lied about Caroline just to hurt your feelings. I mean, you broke up with him, maybe he wanted to even the score and hurt your feelings?”
Even the score?
I can’t imagine Jake lying to me about sleeping with someone only to hurt me. Why would he do that? Why would anyone do that?
The anger I so badly want to feel toward Jake now comes to the surface, but instead of it being directed at him, it’s narrowed in on Maddie.
“So what, you’re defending him now?”
She holds her hands out in defense. “No, I just thought you two could come to an understanding, since you guys are going to be around each other until the season is over.”
Sydney’s eyes bounce back and forth between us as if she’s watching a tennis match.
If Maddie wants us to talk so badly, who’s to say she didn’t tell Jake I was on campus today. It would make sense, because how else would he have known I’d be there today at that specific time?
“Did you tell Jake that I was going to campus today?”
The look on her face answers my question.
“What the hell? Maddie, why would you do that?”
“I think the two of you need to talk, that’s all. I was there that night. If he and Caroline did hook up, Kieran and I would’ve heard it.”
“Wait, hold up. You were with Kieran ? You were there when all this went down and you didn’t tell me? I hate being left out of things.” Sydney tries to lighten the mood but it fails.
As practical and honest as Maddie sounds, my brain doesn’t want to hear it. There’s no excuse for Jake’s behavior. Even if they didn’t sleep together at the house, who knows what they did before they got home.
“I’m done with this conversation. I have to pack.”
I storm off to my room, not wanting to listen to Maddie take Jake’s side in all of this.Maybe a trip home will do me some good.
Or it could be a complete dumpster fire.
I grab my suitcase from my closet and start packing.I’m only staying for the week since I need to be back by Boxing Day. The Wolves have their annual winter tournament the following weekend, and I need to prepare a crap ton of social media posts for them.
My body mindlessly moves around my room, grabbing enough sweaters, shirts, and jeans to last me my entire trip. I’m not paying much attention to where I’m going, until my foot catches on something that makes me fall flat on the floor.
The box of Jake’s things.
Fuck this box and fuck Jake Shepherd.
I lift the box into my arms, glad that it’s not overbearingly heavy, and walk back out into the living room, finding only Maddie occupying the space.
“Here.” I drop the box in front of her feet. “Can you give this to Jake the next time you’re visiting Kieran?”
She pauses the show she was watching and looks up at me with those pouty blue eyes.
“Sure.”I’m about to turn back to my room when Maddie grabs my hand. “I’m sorry for telling Jake where you were today. He’s been asking about you every day and I thought if the two of you could just talk, then maybe he’d leave you alone.” She sighs. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have meddled.”
Suddenly my anger melts away. It’s so damn hard to stay mad at my friends because they genuinely want what’s best for me. Even if sometimes we don’t agree on everything.
“You’re lucky it’s hard to stay mad at you.” I join her again on the couch, tucking away all thoughts of Jake. “So, what’s this thing going on between you and Kieran? Anything serious?”
“It’s…complicated. I’ll fill you in when we figure it out.”
It seems like everyone’s life has been complicated lately.