Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
DEUS
The moment our group steps into Landon’s house, a streamer pops in my face. I karate chop it and grab the culprit by the throat.
“Honey… I think I might be interested in breath play,” Mark says.
“Fucking hell,” Nolan whispers.
“It’s weird when you find your new kinks with other people and then announce them out loud. We’ve talked about this before,” Patricia says.
“Right, right.”
“I’m confused, do I let him go or do I let him finish first?” I ask.
“Fucking hell, no! Stop! All of you,” Landon begs as he pulls me away from his father before looking at him. “That’s my friend, Dad… my friend.”
“I tease, I tease… mostly,” he says.
“We made dinner for all of you after you all worked so hard to destroy that building! We’re so proud of you, hon,” Patricia says as Lex watches in amusement while August and Ellison simply look defeated.
“We didn’t… destroy it. It was on fire when we showed up,” Ellison corrects.
“We saw the way you fucked up those super haters. I liked it when you punched that man in the face,” Patricia tells me.
“Thank you!”
“No, not thank you! We didn’t do it on purpose,” Ellison says.
“Was I not supposed to be doing it on purpose?” I ask, slightly confused.
Ellison shrugs. “I mean… I guess it’s fine.”
“Do they believe this is supposed to make us feel better?” I ask Ellison, who looks as horrified as Landon seems to be.
“Sit, sit, sit,” Patricia says. “We’ve made you lunch to fill your tumtums.”
“Mom, why are you speaking so strangely? Better yet… why are you in my house?” Landon asks as he looks around. “Dad, did you melt the fucking doorknobs off again?”
“Your brother let us in,” Mark says.
“Nolan? How dare you betray me like this?” Landon asks.
He holds his hands up. “I’m positive I’m not the brother they’re talking about.”
“Nolan, you did a good job staying off camera and playing dead,” Patricia says.
“Yes, you can thank your middle child for that,” Nolan replies with obvious dissatisfaction. I’m not sure he’ll ever forgive Brandon for that one.
“Now come on. Stop looking so terrified. Get your asses in here and sit down,” Patricia orders.
“I spent hours making you this meal. I really hope you boys like it. I got up at six to get the dough rising. And then your dad had to help cut things up for me. I thought I’d get to relax today, but I knew that I wanted my boys to eat a good, love-infused, home-cooked meal.
No one deserves a home-cooked meal more than my boys and their precious friends.
A real mom serves a home-cooked meal, just like this real mom did. ”
“Mom, I’m really confused,” Brandon says as he comes out holding a KFC container.
“Do I take the mashed potatoes out of this bowl and put them in another bowl? But then I put them in too small of a bowl so then I put them in too big of a bowl and then I just put them back in the original bowl. But Landon gets so fussy if I leave dishes in the sink, so like… why would I make more dishes to clean?”
“Home-cooked, eh?” Landon asks.
“It’s because she’s not our real mom, Landon. Remember, we were both switched at birth,” Nolan says.
Patricia frowns at him. “Nolan, I don’t think I switched you. And Landon, you were too young to remember, so just forget about it.”
“Don’t know if I can. Hey, Brandon? Did you finger all of the chicken as you moved it between bowls?” Landon asks.
“I sure did,” Brandon says.
“Did you wash your hands?”
“That’s a good question. I washed them before I peed, I know that for sure.”
“Why before you peed, Brandon? Why not after?” Nolan asks.
“I didn’t want my weenie to get dirty.”
“It’s okay, I handled the chicken, and I did wash my hands,” Brandon’s girlfriend says as she comes out of the kitchen. “He washed his hands too. He just doesn’t seem to remember.”
“Oh, so you finally allowed Paisley to meet our parents and she’s not yet running… that’s concerning,” Landon comments. “If you’re in it for the money, please know that all of the money is mine.”
She laughs. “You’re so funny. Your whole family is so funny, Brandon. Just like you.”
Brandon blushes and then hurries off into the kitchen.
“Why are your asses still not in chairs?” Patricia asks. “Do I need to force you into them? If you aren’t sitting in five seconds…” She pulls out a taser and clicks it as we all watch it crackle to life.
“Ooh, I like you even more now. May I call you Mother?” I ask.
“You may,” she decides.
“Mom, you can’t threaten my friends!” Landon snaps, sending the taser flying with a wave of his hand.
“Let me see that, Landon,” Nolan says, and Landon delivers it to his hand with his power. Nolan presses the button and then smiles fondly at it. “Hey, Brandon. I have something to talk to you about out back.”
“Don’t get too excited, it only tickles him when you do it to him,” Landon says, clearly from experience. “I was also horribly disappointed.”
Nolan still wants to experience this himself as Brandon comes in and sets a container down before Nolan jabs him with the taser. Brandon squirms a little while he laughs.
“That tickles!”
“Yeah? Does it?” Nolan growls, jabbing him a few more times before Brandon’s girlfriend comes and Nolan grudgingly lowers it to pretend he’s the normal one.
“I shot him once and it did nothing. So if you really want to let your frustrations out…” I pull out three guns and display them to Nolan, who oddly looks less excited about this than I expected.
“I… don’t think that’s what you should do,” Ellison informs me.
“Well, that’s disappointing. Anyone else want to shoot Brandon?”
“I kind of do but also realize that’s morbid,” Landon says. “Honey, is it morbid if I shoot my brother?”
“I… I don’t know,” August replies. “I never thought I’d have to answer that question.”
“Understandable,” Landon says.
“Let’s eat, you foolish fucks,” Patricia says. “Oh wait… I’m supposed to act normal… whatever that is. Brandon, you wouldn’t know normal if it shot you in the ass and called you by your name.”
“Mom, stop embarrassing me!” Brandon cries.
“Paisley, did Brandon tell you that he crawled naked into bed with my dear August?” Landon asks once Paisley sits down.
“I don’t think he did,” she says with a raised eyebrow.
“I have to sleep in the nude or I can’t sleep at all!” Brandon states.
“He also—” Landon is cut short when Brandon cups a hand over his mouth.
“Don’t listen to him. He never looks up from his books. He knows nothing,” Brandon tries to claim.
“I know everything. I am so talented that I can read an entire book and still follow along with a conversation.”
“He can,” August says. “I was watching a movie while he read the other night and was extremely confused. He lowered his book and told me everything that was going on and he wasn’t even watching it. He’d even figured out who the killer was!”
“Thank you. I would make a phenomenal serial killer,” Landon declares.
“I think you’re supposed to claim that you’d make a phenomenal detective,” Ellison says.
“You? A serial killer?” I burst out laughing. “You’d fail the second you’d try! You’d just fall over and give up right then and there the moment it required you to move your limbs.”
“I actually thought he was never going to learn to walk,” Patricia says. “He immediately gave up and lay on the floor where he seemed happiest whipping shit around with his powers.”
“You gave up too,” Nolan tells his mother. “I remember you going, ‘Welp, the little shit doesn’t want to walk, guess I’ll find something else for him to do.’ And then you wandered off and returned with a knife.”
“It was a plastic knife! I just thought I could train him to use his powers to throw knives at people. Wouldn’t that be cool?” Patricia asks.
I nod. “That would have been awesome. Landon, why don’t you do that?”
“First off, because even if I’m the ‘villain’ of the group, I’m not super into murder. I mean, in books it’s cool. In real life I’m a bit less into it, you know? Like Deus, if you want to go fuck up a group of bad guys, I’m all for it, but for me to do it… it’s a bit much.”
“Deus… you seem to have sketchy morals,” Patricia says. “What are your thoughts on joining SAVCGEM as an official member?”
“I would be blessed to,” I whisper.
“You are not becoming a villain,” Ellison says.
“But only if Ellison can join with me.”
“He blew up that clinic with pizazz; I would love to have him as an official member,” Mark says. “I was proud of you.”
Ellison hesitates as I realize that he’s probably never been told that by a parental figure.
“Not… quite… what I’d like to be known for,” Ellison chokes out.
“Really?” Mark asks. “People are calling you a hero. That place was toxic and it hurt so many people. It’s too bad someone didn’t blow it up sooner.”
Ellison seems a little unsure of what to do with these compliments.
“Mom, Dad, don’t steal my friends,” Landon says.
“Sorry, honey. I’m just so proud of you for having friends. I just… it brings a tear to my dried-up eyes.” Patricia responds.
“There’s no tear coming out of those damn eyes! You haven’t cried since the day I broke into that first vault.”
“I was just so happy,” she says. “Before we eat… I want us to come together as a family so I can say how thankful I am for each and every one of you… and once I have you buttered up, I would like to know your thoughts on this vault here.” She slaps down a blueprint of a nearby bank.
“I could get that open with my eyes closed,” I assure her.
“That’s my boy.”
I beam at Ellison, eager to show off that I’ve been accepted as well.
Landon shakes his head. “Guys, no! Don’t fall for their tricks. You don’t want a family like this. They’re weird, they’re not good people, and they get their joy in life from the minor suffering of others.”
“I don’t know. I like how quirky they are,” I say.
“I will not break into a vault,” Ellison declares.