Chapter 16 #2
And I was no one. A guy who’d betrayed his own dreams because he wasn’t brave enough to tell his asshole father to go to hell.
A guy who burdened his best friend with stopping in to care for his mom a few times a week because he played semi-professional hockey for shit money, not allowing anything to change in his life for fear that everything would just get worse.
Ash was a superstar NHL player, did amazing things for charity, and was now coaching. He had everything going for him.
And I was just me. The kid from a smallish city in Northern Ontario with a shitty dad and a job I should love, but instead, I had to force myself to perform every single day.
Could Ash really feel. . . No. I couldn’t entertain the thought. He’d driven me here because he was one of my coaches and simply a good human being.
There was nothing more to read into the situation, regardless of Kait’s wishful thinking.
As hard as I tried to force my mind to the conversation we needed to be having, the whisper of “what if” would not stop echoing inside me.
I checked the time on my phone in my hand. I needed to get to the ER fast if I was going to see her before all the pre-op stuff they had to do.
“Yeah right, Kait. He’s just a nice person.
It doesn’t mean anything,” I emphasized and waved the whole topic away.
I didn’t have the luxury of freaking out right this moment over what it meant if Ash did have any sort of feelings for me.
“Please tell me what happened when you found Mom?” My voice shook slightly with the question.
Kait flattened her lips like she didn’t want to drop the subject of Ash, but relented, probably hearing the worry in my voice.
“Fine. But when everything calms down, you need to think about it.” She poked me in the bicep to punctuate her point.
She took a deep breath before continuing.
“So, I went over to your place between my afternoon and night classes like I always do a of couple times a week. Your mom had physio yesterday. I just wanted to make sure she was okay for dinner because the accessible transport service she uses can take a long time, depending on the day.”
I nodded, beyond grateful that Kait was helping my mom out of the goodness of her heart when it was my job to be there for her.
Yet another reminder that I had a person in my life I didn’t deserve.
“When she didn’t answer the door like usual, and no lights were on in the kitchen, I got nervous.
Her favorite umbrella. . . You know, the one with the rubber ducks you got her as a joke for her birthday, but she ended up loving?
It was propped up on the porch, still damp from the rain we’d had yesterday.
I knew she wouldn’t risk getting soaked and having to sit in wet clothes for her appointment. ”
She paused, and a worried crinkle appeared in her forehead. Having memorized Kait’s facial expressions after all these years, I knew the next part was hard for her to say.
“Yeah, so I broke our rule about never going into your house without you, grabbed the spare key from under the frog statue in the garden, and let myself in. I called out from the doorway and heard your mom call back from the bathroom. When I got in there, she was on her side, the stupid bathmat’s grip had worn off, and she’d slipped getting out of the shower.
I knew it was possible she’d broken something, so I covered her with the towels, sat down with her on the floor, and called nine-one-one.
The EMTs got her into a fluffy robe before getting her on the gurney, and we waited all night in the ER to be told when she’d get her emergency hip surgery.
We got lucky. They’d had a couple of other surgeries moved around this morning, so she doesn’t have to wait any longer. ”
Bile rose in my throat, burning my esophagus as I swallowed against it. I’d grown up with a gnawing fear that my mom would have a fall without anyone in the house to help her. Not only had that happened, it’d happened when I was nearly five hundred kilometers away and powerless to help.
I was damn lucky that Kait cared about my mom as much as she did. Otherwise, who knows what could have happened?
“Thank you so much for helping her.” The words felt completely inadequate to encompass the major thing that Kait had just done for my family and me.
“And god-fucking-damn-it! She always told me not to worry. That she had the personal support worker visits twice a week, and she was supposed to wait for help!” I scrubbed my hands over my face, pressing so hard against my eyelids in frustration that I saw spots in my vision when I refocused on Kait.
“They said they were going to up her service time, but the PSWs are so fucking overstretched up here that they can’t cover all the need when they’re so understaffed. ”
“Okay, first of all, you are not in control of everything that happens to your mom, Caden. More than that, you are not responsible for this accident because I know that’s where your brain is going right now.” Kait cocked an eyebrow.
“But if I’d just gotten a normal job up here, then—”
She cut me off before I could finish my sentence.
“You would still not have been there even if you were working in town, Caden. It happened during normal business hours. If anything, you playing down in Lakeside helped get her to the hospital faster. If I hadn’t been able to borrow your car and hadn’t agreed to check on her, it could have been a longer wait for help.
” She set her jaw, daring me to fight her on this.
My gut and brain thought Kait was wrong because if I didn’t take care of my mom, who would? Between disability payments and the services provided by the government, my mom scraped by with the minimum ancillary therapies when she needed so much more.
This was an ongoing debate between my best friend and me that wasn’t to be solved under the unforgiving fluorescent lights of a hospital corridor.
Kait’s skin had taken on a slight ashen color, and the dark circles under her eyes, usually caused by staying up too late studying, had a greenish-purple tinge more like a healing bruise.
My stomach ached at the thought of Kait overextending herself between nursing school, her part-time medical reception job, and dropping in to help my mom several days a week.
Some best friend I was. Friends were supposed to make your life easier, the way Kait and Ash had come to my rescue over the past twelve hours, not upend your daily routine with a tidal wave of bullshit inconvenience like I’d brought to their plates.
I asked my most dreaded question, even though I knew the answer before Kait even spoke.
“Has my dad been in to help? You said you stayed all night, right?”
“He came in about six this morning, though the hospital had been calling since last night to try to get a hold of him. Apparently, he’d been ‘doing a cash job’ for a friend on a piece of property outside the city and had no reception.
” Kait grimaced. “At least your mom was conscious, so there weren’t any issues with power of attorney or anything like that. ”
I’d bet my entire salary with the Hammerheads that my dad’s idea of “working” was getting drunk while sitting around some campfire outside his buddy’s old barn. And his version of no cell reception was forgetting to charge his fucking phone in case of emergencies like this one.
Yeah, my dad could always be counted on to come up with a tissue-paper-thin excuse for why he wasn’t there when it counted.
“So, he’s still here then?” I asked.
“Yep.” She popped the p, imbuing the word with disgust. Kait never hid her dislike of my father’s presence in my life. “He’s in the ER playing the role of ‘bare-minimum concerned husband’ and looking like he slept in yesterday’s clothes. He ignored me completely.”
“So, any other Tuesday, then?” I grimaced. Could he act like a decent human being even one day in his life and thank Kait for her help? “God, I don’t want to go deal with him, but I can’t miss seeing my mom before her surgery. What if something goes wrong?”
Worry had the blood draining from my limbs, causing my fingertips to go numb from lack of blood.
“Nothing bad is going to happen. They do hip replacements every single day.” She gestured to the area around us.
“The doctors and nurses have been great so far. Your mom will be well taken care of. The good news, if it can be called that, is that the ER is full of fucking people at all times. And though your dad is one of the world’s biggest douchebags, he still hasn’t sunk to airing his asshole-true-self in front of that many witnesses. ”
Yet. I heard the word clearly, even though she didn’t say it out loud.
But then, even Kait didn’t know what it had been like getting called to pick up my drunk, angry father from any given bar before I could legally drive. I’d never told her the whole truth about what home was like.
“You’re the best. Please tell me you can rest today after being up all night?” I didn’t want her to miss any more classes, but she deserved a good meal and some quality sleep. “I’ll DoorDash from your favorite Thai place for dinner. It’s an inadequate thank you, I know. Pad Thai for saving my mom.”
Kait poked my arm again, digging her finger into the muscle, sharpening the small bite of pain.
“Hey!” I brought my opposite hand up to rub the aching skin through my hoodie.
“There’s no keeping score between friends, Caden Kelly. When will you get that through your head? I know you’d do the same for me. But I’m not going to say no to a dinner I don’t have to cook.” She hefted the tote she used for school more securely onto her shoulder, in preparation to leave.
I couldn’t blame her, wanting to get the hell out of this hospital. As much as it made me a coward, I would do almost anything else to avoid my dad. I hadn’t been away from him long enough to build a wall of numbness toward the verbal attacks that would be aimed my way.
“Tell your mom I said bye, okay? When she’s out of the hospital, I’ll be around to help like usual. Think your dad will get her to the rehab stuff after?”
“I will tell her. I don’t know about rehab, but I’ll figure it out, don’t worry.”
Her expression looked unconvinced as she started walking away, presumably to one of the other exits.
I had no idea how I’d do anything except stand here, my anxiety eating me up inside.
But I had to see my mom.
And to do that, I’d have to face whatever hurtful bullshit my dad decided to throw in my face today.