22. Sebastian
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
SEBASTIAN
Several Weeks Later
W hen I handed over my paper and stood, I felt calm, relaxed.
I usually did well with exams, and I felt in my gut I’d passed this one.
Classes finished up at the end of November and for the first week in December, I’d been studying nonstop with Lily, either at one of our places or at the library.
Lily was a big advocate for flash cards and how they helped her memorize, so she’d put together a bunch with me, even though she was busy herself, and I found them incredibly helpful.
Now, with my first exam over, I was eager to see her.
She was upset for Beth. Unfortunately, the Caledonia United goalie, Baird McMillan, had suffered a terrible head injury during their game yesterday.
It made national news. He’d been carted off unconscious and Beth had witnessed it.
Baird wasn’t just Beth’s friend, he was Callan Keen’s best friend.
As a Caley United fan, I was gutted for Baird.
As Lily’s friend, I was concerned for her and the people she loved.
Baird was recovering, but it was an awful accident.
Lily was still shaken for Beth. I’d decided to take her mind off it and treat her to lunch after my exam.
As I was leaving the exam hall, a girl, not looking where she was going as she stuffed her phone and pen into her backpack, ran into me. Her phone clattered to the ground.
“I’m so sorry,” she huffed in what I assumed was self-directed annoyance.
We both lowered to our haunches to pick up the phone. I got it first.
“It’s fine.”
The girl looked up as she took the phone. Her blond hair was piled in a messy, sexy knot and her large black framed glasses sat at an angle, like they’d been knocked slightly too. Her wide gray eyes were gorgeous.
“Thanks.” She took the phone and we stood, getting out of people’s way. “Am a flustered mess after that exam. No’ sure I did aw that well.” The girl had a Scottish accent. It was thicker than Lily’s.
“Are you studying civil engineering?”
She nodded. “That I am. But this Finite Element Methods course has kicked ma arse aw semester.”
There was a lot of calculus in this course, which is why I took it. I was good at it. If you weren’t, I imagined it would be torture. “Sorry to hear that.”
The girl grimaced. “ You sailed through it, didn’t ye?”
I chuckled. “I’m afraid to admit it.”
She sighed heavily. “Ah wish ah hud a math brain.” Suddenly she held out her hand. “Am Julianne. Ah’ve seen ye in ma classes over the years.”
I suddenly felt bad for not noticing her because she had a fresh prettiness that usually caught my eye. “Sebastian,” I offered, shaking her hand.
A little tinge of red brightened her cheeks. “Ah ken who ye are.” Julianne shrugged her backpack higher on her shoulder. “Ah dinnae suppose ye’d fancy grabbin’ a coffee sometime? Maybe ye could help meh understand that crap.” She gestured toward the exam hall.
Smiling, I was contemplating how to turn her down when Zac and Harry’s recent needling infiltrated my mind. They’d grown insistently annoying about my lack of a sex life. Truthfully, they were right. I was going through a long dry spell. The reason for that dry spell was masochistic. Extremely.
Maybe it was time to get back to normal in that respect. “Sure, I’d like that.”
She grinned and it was very pretty, though I missed the lack of dimples. Pulling a pen out of her pocket, she then tugged my wrist and did something old school and charming. She wrote her number on the back of my hand. “Call meh.”
I laughed. “I will.”
Julianne gave me a little wave and then strolled off with a definite swing in her hips.
Smiling to myself, I turned toward the exit and halted abruptly.
Lily stood before me. It was clear by her strained expression she’d seen and heard everything.
Guilt tightened in an ugly knot in my gut.
I felt like I’d been planning to cheat on her.
What the hell?
Lily gave me a small smile. “Hey. I thought I’d come meet you. See how the exam went.”
I swallowed around the sudden thickness in my throat and forced a smile. “It went great. Your flash cards worked a treat.”
“I’m glad.”
I started walking and she fell into step beside me.
An awkward silence settled between us as we strolled out of the building. I sought to fill it. “I thought we’d do lunch at Bubba Qs. You like their burgers, right?”
“I do.”
Glancing down at her, I found her nibbling her bottom lip in thought.
My gut clenched.
Suddenly, Lily looked up, her hazel eyes searching my face. Whatever she found there made her smile soften into something more genuine. She bumped me with her shoulder. “You know we talk about everything except your dating life.” Her tone sounded breezy, natural.
Maybe she wasn’t bothered by my interaction with Julianne. Maybe she was merely surprised by it.
I didn’t know how I felt about that.
“There hasn’t been one in a while.” I shrugged. “I haven’t even been to my studio in weeks. I’m regurgitating the same videos on social media.”
Lily nodded. “Aye, it’s been crazy busy lately.”
More awkward silence I did not like in the least. Lily and I never had awkward silence between us.
“So, the girl?” she asked.
“Julianne.” Did my voice sound strained? “She was nice. She gave me her number.” I flashed my hand at her.
“Old school. Nice.” Her gaze darted away from my hand as if she didn’t want to look at it for too long.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I found myself assuring her. “If I met up with her, it would be casual.”
“Why doesn’t it ever mean anything?” There was something brittle about Lily’s tone. “It seems strange to me that you grow up in a house with two loving parents—at least during your formative years—but you end up being commitment phobic?”
“It’s just the way I am.”
“Sebastian.”
I exhaled heavily. “Lil, I don’t know why I am the way I am. I know I don’t want that kind of responsibility. And seeing what my parents are going through has only reinforced my belief that relying on one person to make you happy is asking to be destroyed.”
Lily stopped in the middle of the street to gape at me.
“You can’t believe that. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean relying on that person to make you happy.
That is asking for disappointment. You have to make yourself happy.
Aye, you can find a portion of that happiness in the person you love, but being in a relationship is having someone at your side to support you while you find the things that will make you happy on this strange, bloody planet?—”
“Lily!” I cut her off, raising my voice. Because what she was saying … it made me want to yank her into my arms and kiss her until neither one of us knew where the other ended.
And I couldn’t.
Not with her.
If it was anyone, it would be her.
But it could never be anyone.
Her lips clamped shut, her eyes wide with hurt.
I reached for her. “I didn’t mean to shout.” When she retreated, it felt like someone punched me in the gut. “Lily, I’m sorry. I’m just tired. Can we … can we drop it and have a nice lunch together?”
She considered me and then nodded tentatively. Yet she kept a physical distance between us as we walked in silence through Old Town toward the Royal Mile. And I hated every millimeter of that distance.
Worse, I loathed the tangled mess inside me that I feared might ruin everything between us one day.