24. Lily #2
His fingers bit into my hip for a second and then I was suddenly pushed onto my back and Sebastian’s mouth found mine.
Yes, yes, yes, yes . I groaned with relief into his kiss as he undulated against my spread legs.
For so long, I’d needed this. The hot, desperate taste of him on my tongue.
I was lost. He kissed me with a hunger that matched the thrust of his hips against mine.
Searching, ravaging. No one had ever kissed me like that before.
We were completely lost in each other with passion I thought only existed in books and movies.
Jerking my head back to catch my breath, I huffed out on a plea, “Touch me.”
“Lily …” Sebastian panted heavily against my lips. “Lily … Oh … fuck!”
A cool breeze whooshed over me as Sebastian scrambled off me and the bed.
Confused by the abrupt distance, I lay panting against the pillows. It was only when he reached over and pulled my dress down from where it had risen to my waist that cold, hard reality returned. A light flared from his bedside table.
Sebastian stood over the bed, scrubbing a hand down his face. Despite the erection still straining his sweatpants, dark tension radiated from him.
When his hand dropped back to his side, he wore the countenance of a destroyed man.
Just like that my arousal was extinguished.
I was suddenly nauseated.
He regretted touching me. More than that, he was appalled that he’d touched me.
Desperately needing to be anywhere but there, I fumbled across the mattress to get out on the opposite side.
“Lily.” Sebastian rounded the bed as I searched frantically for my shoes and coat. He took me by the shoulders. “Lily, please don’t rush out. We should … we should talk about this.”
“Apparently, what just happened was repulsive to you, so I’d really rather not.” I couldn’t even look at him.
He gave me a shake. “Lily, stop.”
I did, trying not to cry.
Sebastian’s hold on my upper arms tightened as he bent his head to mine. “Sawyer, it was anything but repulsive. But you’re my best friend, and I don’t want to ruin that because of some fumbling in the dark.”
Fumbling in the dark?
I yanked out of his hold.
As if he realized what he’d said, his face paled. “I didn’t mean it like that. You know I think you’re gorgeous. Clearly,” he bit out dryly. “But is an attraction worth ruining our friendship? No, absolutely not.”
Considering it was already awkward as hell, I asked the question that had been burning in my mind for months. “Why are you so adamant that friendship is all you and I can have?”
His expression hardened. “Because with friendship, I’m less likely to lose you.”
“Are you?”
That’s when I saw it. Panic. Real panic. “Lily, don’t even joke about it.”
His words suggested I was important to him and he was attracted to me … so … “I don’t understand,” I murmured sadly. I didn’t get it at all. As I reached for my boots, Sebastian attempted to steady me. I pushed him away. Instead, I leaned a palm against the wall and pulled on my footwear myself.
When I picked up my coat, he tugged on my hand. “Lil, please. I can’t lose you. If … just know if it could be anyone, it would be you.”
Fury shot through me as I whirled on him, wrenching free of his hold to yank on my coat. “You think that makes me feel better?”
Anger tautened his features. “I’m trying to be honest with you.”
“Honest with me? You told me that if it wasn’t for your messed-up commitment issues, you would be with me.”
“It’s the truth.”
Abruptly something terrible and heartbreaking dawned on me.
Sebastian Thorne was set on punishing himself for life. “This is about Lawrence.”
His head snapped back like I’d hit him. “What?”
I ignored the warning edge in the question.
“You love football, but you gave it up because Lawrence can’t play.
Lawrence lost his future. You love art, so you allow just enough of it to torture yourself with but are intent on a career that won’t make you happy.
And me? Do I fall into the same category?
Are you giving yourself just enough of me …
but refusing to give yourself all of me …
as some kind of punishment for what happened to Lawrence? ”
Sebastian turned chalk white and stumbled away from me. “Don’t. Don’t fucking psychoanalyze me, Lily. That’s not fair.”
It was true, then.
“Wow,” I whispered tearfully. Because in punishing himself, he was punishing me.
The debt he’d conjured in his mind toward Lawrence was more important than his feelings for me.
That’s when what wee bit of hope I’d tethered myself to over the past few months died.
“I need to get back to the flat.”
“Lily.”
I moved toward his bedroom door, feeling numb. “Happy Christmas, Sebastian.”
“No.” He yanked me back around, his strong hands gripping my arms as he pressed his forehead to mine. “I can’t lose you, Lily. That’s not a lie.”
The thing was, he was right. He hadn’t lied about our friendship. He’d made it clear from the start that it was all he’d give me. I just hadn’t understood why until now.
Could I forgive him for it? Could I forgive him for not being able to forgive himself?
My heart ached for him as much as I raged at him.
I didn’t know.
But even as heartbroken as I was, I didn’t want to hurt him like he’d hurt me. I didn’t want to leave him thinking it was hopeless.
Maybe I could find a way to recalibrate my feelings for him. If it meant some distance, that’s what it would have to mean. Sebastian would have to compromise.
I leaned up to press a sad kiss to his cheek. “We’ll talk soon. Happy Christmas,” I repeated as I drew back.
Reluctantly, Sebastian let go. His words were strained with anxiety as he replied, “Happy Christmas, Sawyer.”