37. Sebastian
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
SEBASTIAN
W hen I came out of my shower, I found Harry lounging on my bed reading one of the books Lily had lent me.
“Mate, do you know this is filthy?” Harry muttered as he turned the page, seemingly engrossed.
“It’s a romance book.” I scrubbed the towel through my hair as I crossed the room to slump in my armchair.
“One of Lil’s?” he asked tentatively, still not looking up from the page.
“Yeah.”
“It’s pretty funny. Can I borrow it?”
I smirked sadly, thinking Lily would get a kick out of turning our flat of blokes into a romance book club. “Knock yourself out.”
Satisfied, Harry closed the book. “Glad you’re back.”
“Thanks. Sorry if I … I didn’t mean to make anyone worry.”
He nodded, studying me. “You’ve lost a bit of weight.”
I sighed. “Haven’t been eating much. Or going to the gym.” Thinking about it, I missed the exercise. “I think I’ll go tomorrow.”
“I’ll come with.”
“Sounds good.”
“We’re going out tonight.” Harry swung his legs off the bed. “You’re coming with us.”
The thought exhausted me. “I’m not in the mood.”
“I invited Maddie, Sierra, and Lily. They said they’ll be there.”
My heart turned in my chest. “Lily will be there?”
Harry nodded grimly. “Yeah, she’ll be there. Maybe … maybe you can talk to her. Sort out this shit between you.”
“You’re sure she knows I’ll be there?” At his silence, I groaned. “Harry, I can’t ambush her. Sorry, I’m not going.”
“Okay, I didn’t want to have to do this, but I overheard Zac listening to Lily’s podcast and I think you need to hear this morning’s episode.”
“Harry—”
He cut me off, producing his phone with a flourish. Seconds later, Lily’s voice filled my bedroom, and I squeezed my eyes closed.
I missed her so much.
“If he doesn’t want to risk your friendship, he doesn’t feel the way you feel about him and you’re only going to end up getting hurt,” Lily was saying.
My eyes flew open as the words hit very, very close to home.
“If you stay in the friendship, you’re going to pine for more, lose out on opportunities with other guys, and get hurt watching him move on easily with other girls. Get out now while you can.”
“That advice tasted strangely bitter.” That was from Maddie.
I frowned. “What are they talking about?”
“Some bird called in asking for advice about liking a guy in her friend group.”
Scowling, I listened to a Lily who sounded bitter and angry and not at all like herself. When she told Jan to go screw herself and a few long seconds later Maddie explained Lily had walked out, I stared stonily at the carpet.
Jan’s voice filled my room, explaining to their audience they’d decided not to edit the moment out of their episode because it was real. Then she said, “And to the person who screwed with my sister’s head, I’ll make sure Karma gets you, arsehole.”
“That would be you,” Harry needlessly pointed out as he switched off the episode.
“I gathered that, thanks.” I scrubbed a hand over my face, feeling that terrible pit in my gut swell into something unbearable.
“Look, she’s in just as bad a shape as you. I don’t know what you’re thinking or what the details are … but you’ve got to fix this. For both your sakes.”
“I wouldn’t even know what to say.”
“Just show up and let nature take its course.” Harry stood and gave me a pitying look. “Bloody hell, Bas. If this is love, I hope it never happens to me.” He clapped a hand on my shoulder, giving me a comforting pat before he strode from the room. “Be ready to go in two hours!”
LILY
Jan stood in our living room, arms crossed over her chest as I stared up at her from the couch. Maddie had let her in. She and Sierra shared the armchair, watching me and my sister like we were a tennis match.
The truth is I wanted to apologize to Jan, but I also didn’t think I was entirely wrong earlier.
“We didn’t edit the episode,” Jan announced. “We aired it with you telling me to go screw myself and storming out.”
We rarely edited the real stuff, so I shouldn’t have been surprised.
Still, it wouldn’t take our audience much to deduce I was heartbroken.
For some reason, this time having my private life in the public arena made me feel naked and vulnerable, and I resented all of them for not editing the episode.
“Are you going to speak at some point?” my sister prodded with a huff of annoyance.
I shrugged. “I shouldn’t have told you to go screw yourself, but you’re treating me like I’m being a drama queen who needs to get over this. Proof, January Sawyer, that you’ve never felt about someone the way I, unfortunately, feel about Sebastian.”
“Bastian is a bastard.”
“I’m sure he’s never heard that before,” I mumbled.
“Oh, I’m sorry, are my insults not witty enough for you?”
I narrowed my eyes. “I have never felt our three-year age gap more than I do right now.”
Jan’s expression veered between indignant and considering.
Finally, her shoulders slumped. “Fine. I’m being immature.
I … I’m not used to seeing you like this.
Anytime a guy hurt you in the past you bounced back with this inspiring determination to move on.
You’re acting … lovesick. And it’s not very inspiring. It’s pathetic.”
Hurt, I sneered. “Pathetic? Do you even hear yourself sometimes? I’m not allowed to be infallible? To be human? I have to be the poster child of feminism even while I feel like I’ve lost a limb? Inspiring in my heartbreak to make me worthy of your affection and respect?”
My wee sister’s expression tightened. “I didn’t … I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Didn’t you?”
Uncharacteristic tears brightened Jan’s eyes. “I’m sorry. You’re right. And I’m sorry. I … maybe there’s a part of me that resents Sebastian.”
“For hurting me?”
“That. But … for taking you away.” Her gaze cast downward, and she looked so young and lost.
I sat forward on the couch. “Taking me away?”
“From me.” Jan shrugged. “It started happening when you began uni without me. New friends, new life. Finding the guy who’s the guy is the beginning of everything really changing.
I’ll never be your priority again. I know how selfish I am making this about me, believe me.
But I hate it, and I hate that he changed you. ”
Pushing up off the sofa, I crossed the room to pull my sister into my arms. She embraced me so tightly, it was almost painful.
Jan rarely made herself vulnerable. When she did, I wanted to roll her in bubble wrap to protect her from the world.
Or at the very least, make her feel safe in sharing her vulnerabilities.
“You will always be my priority,” I whispered.
“Sisters forever. No one can ever come between that. You could be thousands of miles away on some adventure and we’d still never be apart. ”
Jan sniffled as she nodded. Then she gave me one last painful squeeze and released me. She wiped at her nose, her cheeky grin appearing along with her dimples. “Okay, enough cheesiness.”
Sierra and Maddie chuckled, reminding me they were in the room.
“We’re good?” I asked them all.
“We’re good. I’m sorry,” Jan said sincerely.
“I’m sorry too. I know I haven’t been myself lately.”
“And we’re all going to be more patient about that.
” Sierra gave Maddie and Jan a stern look before turning to me.
Her expression softened, but there was still a hard glint of determination in her eyes.
“And we will be patient. But you also have to try to return to the land of the living. No more burying yourself in schoolwork and your dissertation. These are our last few months together,” she reminded me.
Remorseful, I winced. How I felt about the situation with Sebastian had made me forget that we were all going our separate ways after this semester.
Four years we’d spent as close as sisters.
Even if I had to force myself, I needed to be more present and enjoy what time we had left. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Sierra gave me a relieved nod. “We’re going dancing tonight and you, my gorgeous friend, are coming with us.”
I glanced between them all. While I was tired and dreaded the idea of being in a busy club …
I also wanted to get out from under this black cloud.
The thought of feeling this depressed for months to come made me want to rock in a dark corner.
I had to try to break out of it. It wouldn’t miraculously happen overnight, but baby steps toward it might help.
“Okay. We’re going dancing.”