Chapter 16
SAMRAT
I ’d been holding onto the edge of the counter, not wanting to touch Meher without her permission. But the minute she kissed me, all bets were off.
At one level, I knew I was a fool. This was Meher, the woman who had cheated on me when I was ready to marry her. But she was also Meher, the only woman I had ever loved. I had hated her for the past eight years with all my might, but somehow, I hadn’t learned how to stop loving her.
I wrapped my arms around her and poured eight years’ worth of angst, anger, and pain into the kiss.
As did she. I felt tears sliding down Meher’s face, and pulled away to kiss each drop away.
And when she smiled in response, I claimed her lips again.
Over and over in deep, wet kisses that left us both breathless.
This was a bad idea. I didn’t think I’d ever make love to a woman I didn’t trust. But there was nothing rational about the way Meher made me feel.
I was obsessed with her, mind, body, and soul, and even though I knew she was going to break my heart over and over again, I couldn’t stay away from her.
She was a fever in my blood, a hunger in my heart, and the only thing I could do was slake my desperate need of her.
Meher raked her nails down my back and widened her hips even more.
I stepped as close to her as I could and thrust my hardness against her core.
She pressed back against me and moaned into my mouth.
I cupped her full breasts and squeezed them hard, pausing only to pinch the nipples until she gasped against my lips.
I ripped open the buttons on her shirt and pushed the panels aside, exposing her black, lacy bra. Her nipples stood out hard against the soft fabric. I tweaked them again, and she ground her hips into mine wildly. I undid the hook of her bra, and she let it fall slowly.
I dropped hot, open-mouthed kisses over her bare skin, nipping at it lightly, and then hard enough to leave a mark.
Bending my head, I sucked first one nipple into my mouth, and then the other, cupping her breasts hard.
The sight of my hands against her bare skin made me rock hard, even harder than I already was.
Meher wriggled out of her jeans and sent them flying across the bathroom.
I grabbed her face and looked deep into her eyes.
“Are you sure, Meher?”
“What kind of dumbass question is that?” she asked irritably.
“It’s the most important one,” I insisted.
Her eyes softened, and she reached out to cup me over my shorts.
“Yes, I do want this, Samrat. More than anything else.”
That’s all I needed to hear. I eased my shorts and boxers over my raging erection and waited as she wriggled out of her black lace panties.
Just in time, I remembered to rummage in the bathroom cupboard and found a pack of unused condoms. Luckily, they hadn’t expired yet, because we’d both implode with frustrated desire if we’d had to wait any longer.
I held Meher’s eyes as I slid the condom on. She grabbed me by the cock and pulled closer to her. I dipped a finger in her and found her sopping wet and tight. Really, really tight.
Her pupils dilated as I claimed her lips in a deep kiss and rubbed the tip of my erection against her slit. She grew even wetter and writhed against my hardness with a whimper.
“What do you need?” I asked, before I sent my tongue adventuring into her mouth.
“You,” she mumbled before she sucked on my tongue hard, making me see stars. “I need you…inside me…now!”
“Whatever you say, princess,” I said, with a wild grin, as I tilted her hips and slid in slowly.
To my surprise, I was barely a few inches in when I felt some resistance. I looked down at Meher’s face in shock. She had scrunched up her eyes and was taking rapid, shallow breaths.
“Is this your first time?” I asked in disbelief.
Her eyes shot open, and she glared at me.
“So what?” she demanded.
“How the fuck is this possible, Meher Rathore?”
She understood what I was referring to, and all the passion drained out of her face. She looked close to tears now. I withdrew slowly, trying not to hurt her, and stepped away. Meher crossed her arms over her chest as she hopped off the bathroom counter.
I paced up and down the small space, running my hands through my hair in frustration.
“What the hell, Meher?” I finally roared, coming to a stop in front of her.
“Don’t you yell at me, Maj. Deora,” she said softly, tears pooling in her eyes, her lips wobbling as she tried to hold them in. “I told you I did not sleep with that rat bastard. I told you, and you didn’t believe me. Nobody believed me.”
“Oh. My. God.”
My chest felt tight as the enormity of what I had done got through to me.
Meher hadn’t slept with Sanjay all those years ago.
Nilanjana had lied to me, and the fool that I was, I had believed her.
I had abandoned Meher right when she needed me.
All because I believed the evidence of my eyes.
But that evidence was clearly wrong. It was made up. And I was the world’s biggest asshole.
I had ruined both our lives. I had wasted eight years of my life thinking she had betrayed me, when it was the opposite that was true. I was the one who had betrayed her.
Meher bent to grab her clothes, and I moved aside while she threw them on silently. I put on my clothes as well, and then took her by the hand and led her to the bedroom.
“Meher, I know there is nothing I can say to make up for making the biggest mistake of our lives. I won’t stop you if you want to leave the room right now. But can you at least hear my apology?”
She turned to face me and studied my face for a few seconds, and then, without warning, she raised her hand and slapped me across the face. Hard.
“You fucking asshole! Do you think your apology is going to make my life better? I know our past relationship has suddenly become golden in your mind because the taint on it has been removed. But what about me? I have rotted in this palace for eight long years, and my life hasn’t magically gone back to normal because you now know the truth. ”
“Okay, I admit I deserved that slap for abandoning you when you needed me, but that is the only time you get to raise your hand at me. We do not hit each other in anger ever, Meher,” I said, trying to stay calm.
“There is no we , Samrat. And there never will be,” she said softly, tears running down her face. “I want you more than anything on earth. But I cannot forgive the fact that you did not believe me when I needed you the most.”
My heart clenched in agony as I understood that I had thrown away the most beautiful thing in my life out of jealousy and a lack of trust. And that there was no going back.
“I am very, very sorry about that, Meher. And I accept your decision. There is nothing I can do to turn the clock back, but I am completely and heartily ashamed of myself. And you have every right to kick me out of your life. But can you please allow me one thing?”
“What’s that?” she asked bitterly.
“Can you please allow me to protect you until we find out why that guy shot at you? I don’t deserve your love, but please let me keep you safe. Consider it my penance, if you will,” I begged.
“I will take you up on your offer to keep my family safe. But I will pay you for it,” she insisted.
“I don’t need your money, Meher,” I snarled in frustration.
“And I don’t need your penance, Samrat,” she snarled back just as viciously. “Take it or leave it.”
I understood what she was doing. She was taking what lay between us and reducing it to the lowest common denominator - money.
And I was going to let her do it, because she had the right to punish me however she liked.
After what I had done, I had no right to ask for anything.
I had no right to try and get my own way.
“Fine! Throw money at me if it makes you feel better. But please, can I hold you one last time, Meher?” I asked bleakly.
She nodded, and I pulled her into my arms gently.
I held her as she cried her heart out. I wished I could cry with her, but my tears had frozen solid a long time ago.
Maybe around the time my father died. Probably around the time I walked out on Meher and destroyed our lives.
Or maybe when Mani died. They were definitely frozen when Bhai Sa died.
All I had left was this block of pain where my heart used to be.
Maybe Meher’s tears raining on it would start to melt it at some point.
We sat on the bed, and I held her until her sobs calmed.
“I have to go,” said Meher at last, wiping her face with her sleeves. “I have a houseful of guests. I need to take you all on safari tomorrow morning.”
“No way,” I declared. “You can’t go out in the open until we’ve figured out who was shooting at you and why. This is very serious, Meher.”
“How does it matter, Samrat? The chap’s been arrested.
And I know from speaking to other conservationists that poachers are a desperate breed.
They will do anything to protect their business.
If not this guy, someone else will come and shoot me someday.
That’s a risk I’m willing to take because it’s a professional hazard, just like in your profession. ”
“Of course, it matters,” I exclaimed.
She gave me a cynical smile.
“Why? Because now I’m suddenly a ‘good girl’ in your book? I bet you’d have sung a different tune a few minutes ago.”
“Yeah, that’s why I risked my life and took a bullet for your sake,” I said sarcastically.
She looked a little deflated at that.
“I could cut you out of my life eight years ago, Meher, but for the life of me, I couldn’t cut you out of my heart,” I said wearily.
“For eight long years, I carried you in my heart, telling myself you were a treacherous bitch, and that I didn’t love you anymore.
But every time I told myself that, I didn’t realise it was just another excuse to think of you. ”