Chapter Eleven
T he two little candles Allie found were barely enough to light the bathroom, but they would have to do. The power had been out for four hours, and the storm still blustered and blew, blocking out the sun with a thick bank of black clouds. Allie, Sam, and Buttercup sat by a fire that was now just hot coals and some quickly disappearing cardboard Sam found in the garage. Allie wrapped herself in the lacy comforter from her bed, and Cuppie snuggled up with her, choosing the warmest spot possible underneath her left arm. The radar app on Sam’s phone showed a huge swath of yellow and red that meant a long day spent inside.
Allie was hungry for something other than the Oreo cookies from her personal cabinet and the beef jerky Sam shared. “I’m going to cook us something over the coals,” she said, disturbing Cuppie by standing. “Here you go, Cuppie-girl.” She covered the dog with her comforter.
The refrigerator held enough food to last them for several days, and she rifled through it as quickly as possible, hoping not to lose too much of the cold. She found carrots and chicken breasts. In the pantry there was vegetable stock and an onion. It wasn’t ideal, but with seasonings and maybe some teeny broken-up capellini noodles, she could make a decent soup. She chopped up the chicken and vegetables, added some olive oil, and scraped them into the base of her cast iron Dutch oven. Sam evened out the coals, and she set the pot on top, mixing occasionally. Chicken always tasted better when it was browned first, and it, along with the carrots and onion, browned quickly on the heat. She added the vegetable stock and waited.
Cuppie was very interested in what Allie was doing, her muzzle as close to the boiling soup as possible. Carrots took a long time to soften, and Allie hoped the coals would last. She and Sam took turns blowing on them, trying to extend the orange glow as long as possible. At one point, they blew at the same time, their faces closer than they’d ever been before. Allie laughed nervously. He wore a black winter coat and an army green knit hat, and she could feel the heat emanating from him more than from the fire. Her little sweatshirt wasn’t cutting it. She pulled her comforter from the couch and wrapped it around her, then sat back on the hearth next to Sam. They were losing the fire, but at least they would have hot soup, even if the carrots were crunchy.
He caught her eye and smiled. She smiled back, momentarily forgetting that she didn’t want to like him. He’d talked about chicks coming over. But really, it had been one silly comment that he’d probably meant as a joke. She hadn’t so much as heard him talking to a girl on the phone, and there certainly hadn’t been any at their house. She watched him from the corner of her eye as he prodded the fire. She had to admit that his broad shoulders, the shadow of a light beard, and his confident way of doing everything were attractive qualities.
There were some people who made you feel alone in their presence, like anything you cared about was of absolutely no concern to them. But Sam felt like a partner, like someone who was all in, and she knew for sure that if anything happened to her, he would do everything in his power to help. He would carry her with one arm, just like he did for Tulip.
Rain blew sideways onto the windows of the house, and the noise rattled Allie as much as the shutters. “It’s crazy how fast these storms blow in,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady. “It was so nice just yesterday.”
Sam nodded in agreement.
“Maybe we should move away from the window.”
Instead of ignoring her concern, Sam got up and checked every window at the back of the house. “They seem fairly solid, but I’ll close the curtains just in case.”
A closed curtain was better than nothing. And Sam taking her seriously was definitely more than nothing. She thanked him, but gratitude wasn’t the only thing she was feeling. Looking at him gave her goose bumps. The room got progressively darker, and the dying fire popped, landing a piece of burning ember on Allie’s blanket. Sam immediately flicked it off with his bare hand.
Safe. Cared for. She was feeling things she hadn’t felt in years. Her lip quivered.
“Are you okay?” he asked, taking his seat on the hearth beside her. “Did the spark burn you?”
She shook her head, trying to hide the fact that tears were about to spill over. He swiped all over the comforter with his hand, then he did the same to her hair, gently brushing his hand over it, searching for anything that might be alight. She sucked in her breath and was afraid to let it out. He would be able to hear the nervous staccato of her exhale.
“You’re trembling,” he said, his hands on the blanket covering her upper arms. “Come here.” He pulled her into his chest and held her, his right arm applying more force than his left. “You don’t have to be scared,” he whispered.
It wasn’t the storm that made her emotional. It was the Christmas tree and the fire and the soup and the way she felt safe in that tiny house with him. She allowed herself to sink into his body, the threat of tears gone, but the threat of developing feelings for him stronger than ever. She wanted to hate him. A girl couldn’t fall in love with her roommate. That would be unseemly, and it would put them both in a vulnerable position. What would happen if someone got their heart broken? They would still have to see that person every day. That would be crazy. She would be stupid to allow any feelings aside from the possibility of friendship.
She felt his chest rise and fall under her cheek, his heartbeat strong and sure. He was like their house in the storm, solid and quietly strong enough to keep them both protected from the onslaught.
“I’ll serve us up some soup,” she said, pulling away.
“I’ll get the soup,” he said, but he didn’t move to leave.
“Thank you.” She scooted away from him and cuddled up with her blanket. “My comforter smells like smoke. I’m gonna have to wash it.”
He paused like he had something to say but wasn’t sure if he should. “Hey, Allie?”
She had just pulled the blanket up over her head so only her face was showing. She turned to face him, fairly certain she looked like a Russian nesting doll.
“You’re beautiful.”
There was no expectation on his face, but his eyes crinkled in the corners as they boldly looked straight into hers. She immediately looked away. “I need to—” She stood and bunched the blanket in her arms. She needed to leave. She should go. A line had just been crossed, and that was dangerous.
No more bad choices , she told herself . But what difference would one more make? Dammit, she was going to let whatever happened happen today. She threw the blanket to the floor and sat back down beside him. “You think I’m beautiful?”
He nodded. “I do.”
The truth was, he was one of the most attractive men she’d ever seen, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him that. It would be giving up some of her power. Just because he’d said it to her didn’t mean she had to say it back. She wasn’t ready to be vulnerable. She might never be ready. Opening her heart to someone meant she could lose them. He was so bold in the way he kept his eyes on her. And he had that half grin that he always seemed to have around her. His nearness was still imprinted on her—his steady heartbeat and strong, even breaths.
Would his lips be soft? Or would they be firm and bold? Kissing him could be nothing. She’d had meaningless kisses before. Or kissing him could be something. It could change everything. But she didn’t have to decide what it meant just then. She could decide later if she wanted more kisses or if they should just be friends. A kiss didn’t mean a relationship. So, she should kiss him. She should absolutely kiss him. She bravely moved her face toward his.
“Don’t mess with me.” His voice was deep and pleading, making it clear that she had the upper hand. But he didn’t move. He was just inches away. She felt his warmth and parted her lips slightly, then closed her eyes.
It was the slightest brush of skin at first, the gentlest sigh of a kiss. Then a pause to ensure it wasn’t a mistake. His lips touched hers again with both pressure and restraint, both soft and firm, not one or the other. He was careful, respectful, but there was a passion underneath—one that made her dizzy. Each kiss built with intensity, his breath short and choppy against her lips. She abruptly turned her head away.
“Allie—” Sam began.
“Don’t tell anyone about this. This didn’t happen.” Cuppie barked as Allie walked as fast as she could from the room. She locked the door to the bathroom where one remaining candle gave off barely enough light to see. What had she done? Yesterday she’d tried to kiss her coworker and today she’d kissed her roommate. The water was as cold as possible as she splashed it on her face over and over again. Then she brushed her teeth, even though it felt like she was scrubbing Sam away. She didn’t want to scrub Sam away. She wanted to keep Sam close. And that was exactly why she needed to brush harder.
She closed the toilet seat and sat with her head in her hands. How was she supposed to walk back out there? She looked around at the man stuff in the bathroom—a bottle of three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and body soap, his thin navy blue towel next to her fluffy white one, a black toothbrush, plug-in razor, and deodorant. She already knew what his soap and his deodorant smelled like. Now she knew what he felt like too. He felt good. Too good. Exciting. She had no intention of leaving that bathroom, until she remembered—soup. Eating the soup would give them something to do. Then she wouldn’t go near him again. His words rang in her ears: don’t mess with me . She wasn’t messing with him. She was messing with herself. He had family in Montana. He had a dog. She had nothing. She was the one whose heart was on the line.
She grabbed her winter coat from her bedroom closet and pulled on her leather gloves before heading out to face the consequences of her actions. She hadn’t noticed that the storm had briefly quieted, and she hadn’t heard the doorbell ring. But when she walked back into the main living area of the house, she found Sam talking with Tulip and Jessa.