Chapter Thirty
Later that night, Reuben drove back to Glasgow, keen to get a bit of space and some perspective on his thoughts.
Especially as his head was in a spin over Jessica and the effect she had on him.
He was annoyed at himself for being offhand and cold with her.
Especially when he saw the confusion and hurt in her eyes.
It hadn’t been intentional, it was just his clumsy attempt to protect himself from the feelings he had towards her.
Now Murray was back and, after hearing her on the phone at the inn the other day, he wasn’t quite sure how to behave.
He knew it was stupid to jump to conclusions but the doubt had crept in anyway and Reuben had started to wonder if she felt the same way.
Maybe that kiss had meant more to him than it had to her.
Maybe he had imagined the almost kiss at the bakery the other night.
Now everything just felt a mess and he had no idea how to fix it.
As he reached the outskirts of the city, he thought back to this time last year when he’d settled his dad into the home just before Christmas and how guilty he felt.
He had tried really hard to make the room as homely and comfortable as possible and made sure there were some reminders from home including his father’s favourite chair, some photographs of his mum and the print of Elvis Presley that he had always cherished.
He had tried to visit his dad as much as possible, but he was also in the midst of his marriage breakdown and juggling a challenging work project.
On Christmas Day, he had visited his dad, who had become quiet and withdrawn.
In fact, he would barely talk to him, which then just compounded all the feelings of guilt Reuben had.
Eventually, after sitting with him for a couple of hours, and trying his best to make some jolly conversation, he had driven back to Glasgow where he heated up a frozen pizza and ate it in front of the television.
Then the next day, when it was all over, he was left feeling sad and exhausted.
It was fair to say that the thought of doing the same again was leaving him completely subdued.
He let himself into his flat and wandered from room to room restlessly.
Picking up his phone, he scrolled through the pictures of Primrose Cottage, pleased that he had finished it on time for Murray.
He felt a flicker of envy at how welcoming and kind the Stewart family were.
He wished he was part of it — he always had been, growing up with Murray.
But something had changed — his feelings towards Jessica had changed, but she was obviously dealing with something or someone else.
Much as he tried to push her out of his mind, she had a way of dominating all his thoughts.
He told himself that was also why he was trying to distance himself.
Reuben knew that Christmas was a time of joyful anticipation for many people, that they looked forward to the festivities all year.
Since his mum died, when he was twenty-two, his dad had always tried to keep Christmas as upbeat as possible, knowing that’s what she would have wanted.
But her death had left a massive hole in both their lives that no amount of forced festivities could cover over.
He missed his mum even more this past year and felt her absence more keenly around Christmas.
He wished he could talk to her about Jessica.
She would have known what to say. You always did like her, Mum, he said to himself, smiling as he remembered his mum telling him off for pulling Jessica’s ponytail when she was younger.
What should I do now though? He could picture his mum smiling as she sat at the kitchen table, holding her favourite mug.
She always used to tell him that everything would be okay.
Whether it was studying for and worrying about exams or nerves before his driving test, she always had the same advice.
And even now all these years later, he could still hear her voice softly in his mind.
It was a reminder that he had to trust that things would work out.
Everything will be okay. You’ll always find a way.
He raked his hands through his hair, reminding himself that he was at risk of sounding like a maudlin idiot.
He had lots to be grateful for, and he was truly appreciative of Catriona’s invite to join them at Christmas.
But he didn’t want to intrude any more than he had or have anyone feeling sorry for him.
Giving himself a shake, he grabbed his gym bag.
He would go for a swim and use the steam room at the gym.
He shivered as he walked outside and to his car.
It was freezing, raining and almost dark.
He could now appreciate why Belinda was in such a rush to get back to the sunshine in Dubai.
The thought of azure skies and warm sunshine was a welcome one.
His brows furrowed. Maybe a huge dose of vitamin D was what he needed?
Perhaps he should just book himself a week away in the sun over Christmas.
Definitely not Dubai, but maybe somewhere else.
Then he remembered Brodie and his planned trip to Costa Rica.
Okay, flying to the Caribbean coast was perhaps a bit extreme, though tempting, and he was sure Brodie was heading there for two weeks.
But maybe he could go to one of the Canary Islands like Lanzarote or Gran Canaria.
It would definitely be warm this time of year and that way he could just remove himself from the whole festive situation and escape.
He allowed himself a smile before the small voice in his head reminded him he would need to visit his dad.
The guilt rippled through him again, and he took a breath, reasoning with himself that he could visit his dad before he flew off anywhere — it would only be for a week.
Would his dad mind? Would he even realise he hadn’t been to visit?
He sighed. There was a constant loop of swirling thoughts in his head around his dad and whether he was doing enough or could do more.
His dad had always told him to make the best of life and enjoy himself while he was young and he could.
He once again wished he had a sibling he could share the emotional load with.
Sometimes it just felt too much. Which is a sign you need a break, Reuben, he told himself.
It had been a long time since he’d had a proper holiday.
In fact, the last time he’d been away anywhere hot was to Dubai when he visited Belinda eighteen months ago.
Then shortly after, she cheated on him and broke the news that she‘d been having an affair.
With a sigh, he started the engine and thought about at least exploring his options. Perhaps a week’s holiday away from the joy of Christmas might well offer him some kind of solution.